God Announces 2011 Angel Quota

Two angels from 2009 quota

God Announces 2011 Angel Quota

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Bryant Wright, President of the Southern Baptist Convention, announced today that a committee of fellow pastors recently completed a conference call with God. Preliminary results from this confab indicate that God will require 52,000 new angels in 2011. The age limit of 5, imposed by Emperor Constantine in 335 C.E., will continue in force.

“God was calling for twice that number,” said Wright, “but we convinced Him that the lower figure would be sufficient.” When asked where the new angels would come from, Wright replied, “Half will come from sub-Sahara Africa. They get bleached once they pass through the Pearly Gates, so they can be any color.”

The pastors expressed some concern that Heaven might be getting overcrowded. God reassured them that this was impossible, since Heaven was flat and only ten miles square. The oldest angels are routinely pushed over the edge where they enjoy eternal peace in Oblivion, the last stop for believers.

Pressed as to whether there were angels assembled in Heaven from other parts of the universe, God admitted that one alien group was en route and was to arrive during Hanukkah on December 4, which upset several in the Baptist group. “Why couldn’t God delay their arrival until December 25th?” asked Rev. Jimmy Bob Haggler from Pascagoula, Mississippi. “The Jews get all the breaks and even get credit for the fact that Jesus was a rabbi.”

Apparently, the alien angels are from a planet circling Delta Clitori, some 11-million light years from Earth and 6-billion light years from Heaven. To keep them occupied, the children’s program and intergalactic favorite, Teletubbies©, runs continuously. Another group from Alpha Viagri is scheduled to arrive on Easter Sunday, much to the relief of the pastors.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Last U.S. Manufacturer Moves to China

Engineer Ingvold Aibinstuggen pin-testing his latest design

Last U.S. Manufacturer Moves to China

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Not unexpectedly, the Autsch Pin Company announced today that it will move its manufacturing operations to China. CEO Arvid Lindstrom cited a shrinking labor force in Bagville, Minnesota where the company is headquartered. “Young people just don’t seem turned on by pins like they were when I graduated college. They’d rather get a degree in fine arts and flip burgers in an urban cesspool like St. Cloud.”

Lindstrom continued, “Several years ago, an attempt was made to change our city’s name from Bagville to Pinville which was felt to be much more apropos ever since the Lebensmittelgeschäft Bag Company pulled up stakes and moved to Dubai. But then we found a 40-year supply of envelopes in the city hall basement with ‘Bagville’ printed on them, so the mayor decided to withdraw a proposed referendum.”

R&D will remain in Bagville, where Autsch product designers have begun work on an Ouch-Less Pin®, which features a blunt instead of pointed tip. When asked if this would defeat the pin’s purpose, design engineer Ingvold Aibinstuggen replied, “We still have a lot of work to do, but I feel confident that the future of this business lies in being ouch-less. Look what it did for Johnson & Johnson and their Band-Aides.”

Several years ago, the Science Channel came to Bagville to film a feature on pin-making for its program, “How It's Made.” However, program director Herb Ennui said that no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get the segment to run more than 45 seconds. “It seems that thin wire goes in one end of a machine, and a pin comes out the other,” said Ennui. “Maybe the ouch-less pin will give us something more to work with.”

Republicans Begin Search for New War

Republicans Begin Search for New War

By Bill Britton

Buoyed by the Republican Party’s victories in the mid-term elections, likely House Speaker John (“Weepy”) Boehner (R-Ohio) pledged to find a new war for America: “Let’s face it,” said Boehner, “The American people became totally bored by the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. We need to rouse them out of their lethargy.”

When reminded that those two wars were still ongoing, Boehner replied, “What happened to ‘Mission Accomplished’? I must be spending too much time on the golf course. I’ll have to have a TV screen installed in my tanning bed so I can catch up during cocktail hour. I’m a multitasker, you know.”

Although Iran seems an obvious choice, neocon Richard Perle, who did such a superb job fabricating an excuse to invade Iraq, has a short list that includes Iceland and Grenada. Perle justified both choices by saying, “Iceland has no standing army, so it would be easy pickings. And what an emotional lift it would be for the U.S. public to see our Marines once again storming the beaches of Grenada.”

A GAO report confirmed that both operations would add only $30 to $40 billion to the budget. These funds could be offset easily by cutting the food stamp budget. Tea Party senator-elect Rand Paul (KY) agreed: “Cutting the food stamp program makes sense. The beneficiaries of the program are too fat anyway. The overall health of the country would definitely improve.”

In a related story, Tea Party rising star Christine O’Donnell, who lost in the Delaware Senate race, is early favorite to be Sarah Palin’s choice as Secretary of State after Palin wins the presidency in 2012. Said Palin, “Chrissie is highly qualified. She just needs to sign up for a few political science courses at Delaware County Community College.”

Pat Robertson: God’s Will Has Been Done

Pat Robertson: God’s Will Has Been Done

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Excited by Republican/Tea Party wins in Tuesday’s midterm elections, televangelist Pat Robertson has decided to expand 700 Club membership by offering free tickets on the Rapture Express. The Rapture Express is similar in design to Noah’s Ark, but instead of animal stalls, the vessel is outfitted with luxury staterooms.

Guest host Terry Meeuwsen is in charge of the overall decorating scheme and has promised “a tasteful combination of scenes from Mel Gibson’s ‘The Passion of the Christ,’ which depicts the final hours of our Lord’s agony on the Cross.” The Rapture Express will incorporate a window in the bottom of the hull through which the saved can view those Left Behind.

Membership in the 700 Club starts at $250 per year. Upgrades on the Rapture Express include several penthouses being offered at the discounted price of $9,000. Checks should be made out to P. Robertson and addressed to Acct. 42-8996-37, CH-8098 Zurich (Switzerland).

Robertson talked to Jesus recently who assured him that his Second Coming was imminent: “But before I return, I must get the nasty business of the Tribulation out of the way, those seven years where anyone who chooses not to follow me before the Rapture will experience disaster, pain, and suffering, which will wipe out 75% of all life on the earth. Sort of like the Inquisition, but a hell of a lot worse.”

First responders to this offer include several prominent names in the Tea Party movement: Sarah Palin, Delaware’s Christine O'Donnell, South Carolina’s Jim DeMint, and Nevada’s Sharron Angle. Ms. O’Donnell is a recently reformed witch who has pledged that her “coven will be given over to the Lord, despite the fact that He screwed me out of the Senate seat in Delaware.”

Former BP CEO Receives New Brain

Former BP CEO Receives New Brain

By Bill Britton

BP's former CEO, Tony Hayward, received a new brain on Friday after the original was found to be functioning at only 20 percent of typical brain capacity. The new brain came from a donor described by Hayward's doctors as a "twenty-something manager of a McDonald's who suffered a heart attack while refilling a Fryolator."

Chief surgeon Ernest Cutter noted an immediate improvement in Hayward's cognitive abilities. He can now make change in denominations of up to ten dollars and is able to distinguish between a Quarter Pounder and a Big Mac. He is still unsure as to the difference between a Big Mac and a Big 'N Tasty, but that is expected to be resolved within the next week.

Hayward also has difficulty determining the difference between motor oil and the canola oil used to cook McDonald's French fries, which led to an altercation between him and the franchise's manager, Spuds Borey. The matter was complicated by the intervention of several customers who claimed that Hayward's new French fry recipe imparted "a more robust flavor" to this McDonald's staple.

Although a spokesperson for McDonald's would not comment on the nutritional value of motor oil, Josh Hoodliwink of the American Petroleum Institute said, "Most oil workers consume various petroleum products as a regular part of their diet. We encourage the residents of the Gulf Coast to do the same, instead of complaining about a few tar balls stuck to their toes. By the way, those tar balls make a terrific charcoal lighter for the family barbeque."

Hayward is expected to be retained by BP and is to lead a fact-finding panel, which will attempt to assign blame for the Gulf oil spill on a temporary worker from Guatemala.

Afghanistan War Logs: The Musical

Afghanistan War Logs: The Musical

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Andrew Lloyd Weber, whose smash hit, Phantom of the Opera, continues to set records on the world’s stages, has agreed to compose the musical score for The New York Times best-seller, Afghanistan War Logs. “The material is great,” said Weber. “Plus there is no shortage of talent in the Pentagon. There are any number of song-and-dance men among the senior staff who have expressed interest in auditioning.”

General David Petraeus, commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan, was asked during an interview in Kabul whether he would audition. “Yes, I’m thinking seriously of taking on the lead role. I’ve always been great at anything I’ve attempted and would likely use my high school nickname, ‘Peaches,’ as my stage name.”

The Pentagon reported that General Petreus sings in the choir at Washington’s Church of the Fabricated Annunciation, which made headlines recently when parishioner Lady Gaga led a holy roll through the church’s Gethsemane Garden. A few pansies were crushed, but all the threatened lawsuits were subsequently dropped.

At his weekly briefing, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was elated: “I see this as a great opportunity to tell the story of the American fighting man from a new perspective. With a few catchy tunes, the plight of the soldiers and Marines in the trenches won’t seem so bad. You can get all the blood and mayhem you want playing video games. Let’s bring a little joy into the lives of the American people and leave the violence where it belongs—in some Third World cesspool.”

Outside the St. James Theater in New York City, where the musical American Idiot is now playing, theatergoer Betty Noire summed up the reaction of the crowd: “I mean, where is Afghanistan anyway? In Canada?”

Canada Places New Restrictions on Use of "eh?"

Canada Places New Restrictions on Use of "eh?"

By Bill Britton

Canada's Culture Minister Kevin Krueger today announced that Canadians will no longer be allowed to use the expression "eh?" with abandon: "I believe that this linguistic identifier places Canadians at a disadvantage in the English-speaking world, eh? Plus, Canadian expatriate comedians like Dan Aykroyd, Martin Short, and John Candy-he's now gone, thank God-have turned us all into a nation of bumpkins by glorifying its use, eh?"

Krueger is to establish guidelines that will go into effect in the New Year. The particulars depend on the outcome of a months-long debate in Parliament over whether such use should be limited to sixes or sevens. "Personally, I think it should be done in steps, beginning with the present 102 average uses per day and moving it down by two each month, eh? We'd have the problem cashed in three years, and wouldn't cost a loonie, eh?"

Québec premier, Jean Charest, suggested it would make more sense to say, "I have to go to ze loo, oui? zan, I have to go to ze loo, eh?" Krueger countered by saying, "Charest's got himself in a kerfluffle over this. Either that or he's had one mickey too many. He should stick to making poutine for his wife and three kids."

NYSE Podium Deserted at Close

NYSE Podium Deserted at Close

By Bill Britton

Confusion reigned on Wall Street when New York Stock Exchange (NYSE.com) CEO Duncan L. Niederauer could not be reached for comment after no one mounted the stock exchange podium to ring the closing bell on Wednesday. This tradition, complete with celebrity guests, has become a media event for companies that wish to highlight their successes in the marketplace.
After a delay of 20 minutes, custodian Emil Fosdick was seen being pushed onto the podium by armed security guards, screaming, "Why me? Why me?" Fosdick finally struck the bell with a toilet brush, much to the relief of floor traders, several of whom had smashed their Blackberries in frustration.

NYSE Vice President Joseph Mecane expressed dismay at the embarrassment: "I had Angelina Jolie lined up to join executives from General Motors on the podium, but their corporate jet was repossessed minutes before boarding the plane in Detroit. Then we asked the Revlon people to fill in, but they refused, seeing that Jolie had a contract with Shiseido Cosmetics."

Jim Cramer of CNBC's "Mad Money" said on his Thursday program that investors should not be alarmed. He also reiterated his earlier recommendation to buy Bear Stearns stock. When reminded that Bear Stearns suffered huge losses and was now a part of JP Morgan Chase, Cramer replied, "I never meant that Bear Stearns. I was referring to a toy company in China."

OMB's Orszag: Sacrifices Will Be Made

OMB's Orszag: Sacrifices Will Be Made

By Bill Britton

USA Today reported that the percentage of federal workers who make more than $100,000 increased from 14 percent to 19 percent during the first eighteen months of the recession. Peter Orszag, Director of the Office of Management and Budget (OMB), said, "We've all had to make sacrifices at the federal level during these difficult economic times. We originally had a target of 25 percent just to keep up with Wall Street, but Congress felt that 19 percent would better reflect the Administration's intention to get serious about government spending."

Chico Meatornillan, head caretaker at Vice President Joe Biden's residence, located on the grounds of the United States Naval Observatory, responded angrily to this reporter's question about his two assistant's salaries: "Sure my cousin José is OK at $119,000 a year, but his son José, or Hose-B as we like to call him-he's in charge of winding up the garden hoses-is only making $79,000. How can you live on that and still have fourteen kids?"

One government department that will see its share of $100,000-plus workers increase substantially is the National Weather Service. Director Dr. John L. Hayes said to this reporter that "My guys and gals deserve it. They've increased the accuracy of the agency's 3-day forecasts to 6 percent, up from a measly 5 percent during the Bush Administration. Now you can plan your weekend with the certainty that it will be sunny, or maybe not, depending on what El Niño, or La Niña, or whatever the heck's out there right now, is doing. Excuse me, but the duck paté served with tapanade, cornichons, herb Dijon mustard, and housemade chutney that I had at L'Auberge Provençale last night just kicked in my dyslexia. But what a deal at $129 for two!"

Cheney Signs on Water Dowser to Find WMD

Cheney Signs on Water Dowser to Find WMD

By Bill Britton

Former Vice President Dick Cheney outlined a new strategy to find former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's WMD programs, which Cheney says "will justify the ten-year war." Ernest Quilby, a farmer from Gnosall Heath (UK), and a world-renown dowser, will be airlifted to Baghdad where he will begin applying his skills. "Quilby represents the cutting edge of an approach devised by Junior Bush and me," Cheney said. "It might seem low-tech, but in Britain dowsers locate everything from lost wedding rings to ancient Roman walls."

A call to Quilby found him in the midst of his latest project, finding additional remains of Piltdown man, an alleged primitive hominid found in Sussex, England, in 1912. When told that this discovery proved to be a hoax, Quilby responded, "Oh no, not a hoax at all, lad. In that same quarry where Pilty was found, some local folk found the missing link between turtles and chickens, a queer thing with a feathered shell and thin legs, but in all other respects, a turtle."

When asked if he'd talked with Cheney, Quilby responded, "Dicky's quite a young lad. I believe he's going places. A get-up-and-goer, as we say around here." Asked if he was confident of finding WMD, Quilby said, "My dowsing rod rarely lets me down. After 55 years of dowsing, its accuracy is better than 97%. The secret is simply to follow it around like an old dog. The younger dowsers try too hard."

Quilby seemed unfazed by his new "project," as he calls it. "No raggie-head A-rab is clever enough to fool old Quilby. If it's buried, I'll find it, unless it's deeper than nine feet. That's me limit, but if there's a pint of bitters hidden in the sand, then there's no limit," he chuckled.

Good News for Vietnam-Era Veterans

Good News for Vietnam-Era Veterans

By Bill Britton

Special to INS - A Florida Vietnam-era veteran was surprised recently when he applied for Social Security. Solomon Dullhed found that he would receive a supplement to his regular award of $1,320 per month. "Wow, was I excited. After plugging in my time in service of four years, I was told that I would receive an additional $10 per month. It's great to know that the government is looking out for you."

When asked about his service in Vietnam, Dullhed replied, "Oh, I never went there. Never got shot at-nothing. But I guess the guys who did get a heck of a lot more than that." After being told that, no, the typical supplement was $10 per month, Bratton felt that Congress would soon remedy this disparity.

But one local Veterans Administration executive, who requested anonymity for fear of being waterboarded, said, "We constantly hear how much Congress cares about our military, but the truth is that Congress is only interested in maximizing bang for the buck. The care here [in our hospital] is excellent and the staff is outstanding-but we've recently been told to institute triage for wounded veterans."

When queried, Department of Defense spokesperson Ruth Lesson said that the new triage system is defined as (1) those who can walk and still have a trigger finger (with the option of reenlisting as a rifleman); (2) those who can't walk but still have a trigger finger (with the option of reenlisting as a tank gunner); and (3) those who can't walk and are missing their trigger fingers (with the option of reenlisting as a recruiter).

U.S. Treasury to Issue “Two-Fers”

U.S. Treasury to Issue “Two-Fers”

By Bill Britton

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to bolster the economy, the Treasury Department authorized the nation’s banks to issue “two-fers.” Beginning Monday, all account withdrawals will in effect be doubled, or “double-downed,” as Treasury Secretary Ben Bernanke preferred to describe the initiative. In an interview with NPR’s Cokie Roberts, the secretary said, “This program will double the purchasing power of all Americans, from impoverished A.I.G. executives to the illegal aliens who trim their hedges.”

When reminded that it could result in 100-percent inflation overnight, Bernanke replied, “Yes, that might be true. But just think: a $600 bottle of fine French wine would in reality only cost $300. And all that inventory piling up at Nieman’s and on Mercedes Benz dealer lots would be cleaned out. Plus I’d have to add a third shift at the printing office just to keep up with the demand for new banknotes. The impact on the unemployed will be tremendous. To supply the needed cotton for these bills, ragpicking could become a growth industry.”

This program is the latest in a string of proposals to cure the nation’s financial woes. “Look what the easy availability of money did for Germany during the Great Depression,” said Bernanke. “Granted, Germans were carting paper money home in wheelbarrows because of hyperinflation, but they beat the crap out of Europe in short order just a few years later.”

If successful, the two-fer approach might be extended to toxic assets held by the nation’s banks, assets that were purchased by the federal government for $1 trillion. “Why not offer these assets, essentially homes, at two for the price of one?” said Bernanke in his weekly press conference. “It’s better than having our highly regarded financial institutions go down the drain.”

Post-War Plans See Afghanistan as 51st State

New Flag

Post-War Plans See Afghanistan as 51st State

By Bill Britton

WASHINGTON, DC — In an interview with Larry King on CNN, White House Adviser Rahm Emanuel hinted that Afghanistan would become the fifty-first state soon after the country is democratized. “It will be a mutually beneficial relationship,” Emanuel said. “The people of Afghanistan are excited about their impending statehood.” Asked about how they felt about the U.S. war effort, Emanuel responded, “The Afghani people have enough sense to stay away from targeted areas. Besides, who wants to live next to a terrorist camp? That’s not particularly good for your long-term health.”

When King wondered what form of government the fifty-first state might take, Emanuel said, “I think we’d use the Louisiana model with parishes instead of counties, but they’d be called mosquettes so as not to offend the populace. I can see actor Johnny Depp finishing up his career as governor of our new state, a soft and cuddly version of bin Laden. Sort of looks like General MacArthur. And you know how the Japs came to love Doug. At least that’s the image we want to project.”

Emanuel continued, “We have to give these folks a whole new identity. President Obama had a great idea the other day by suggesting that Afghanistan be renamed Texistan. Kind of bring together the people of Afghanistan and the people of Texas through all they have in common—oil, submissive women, cocaine trafficking, highly religious closet drinkers—a great idea.”

Treasury Secretary Ben Bernanke was less sanguine. “This could be the cost that breaks the bank. We’d have to replace the 240 thousand 50-star flags located on federal property. And, since they’re all made in China, that change would increase our trade deficit by five million dollars, unless we can get a better deal through Walmart.”

Murdoch Parties with Filthy at Oyster Bay Estate

Murdoch Parties with Filthy at Oyster Bay Estate

By Bill Britton

SPECIAL TO INS — On Thursday, more than 100 filthy people from Long Island were treated to a luncheon hosted by Fox News CEO Rupert Murdoch. The festivities were held in a corner of Murdoch’s estate normally used by his dog, Hypocrite. In an effort to make the participants feel at home, newly discarded Frigidaire cartons were arranged tastefully on the pee-spot-marked turf. Baked chitlins à l’orange and turnips-sans-dirt served as the main course, along with heaps of day-old bread and tubs of Kool-Aid fortified with Sterno. The meal ended with a delightful sorbet made from recycled fish-market ice and jug wine.

Murdoch’s appearance after dessert was greeted by the assembled guests with much enthusiasm. “This is a great moment for compassionate conservatism,” exclaimed Sean Hannity, Fox News’ second in command of the Fake News Division and event MC. “You will no longer suffer under the Obama label of ‘the homeless.’ From this day forward, you will be known, at least in Oyster Bay, as simply ‘The Filthy.’ This afternoon, you will be herded to temporary quarters near a Long Island Expressway interchange.”

Seven cattle cars are being converted to house The Filthy. Former Secretary of HUD, Mel Martinez, assured the gathering that the cars are “sound and watertight.” His mother-in-law will have the honor of taking up residence in Space 1 on Car 1.

Hannity closed the celebration with a rousing salute to the filthy. “You are America’s true heartland. So let’s lift up our cups and give three cheers for our host, Rupert!” The festivities ended with Rev. Pat Robertson's stirring benediction, which compared The Filthy with the children of Israel, sort of.

Top Commander in Afghanistan Replaced by Sergeant

Top Commander in Afghanistan Replaced by Sergeant

By Bill Britton

General Stanley A. McChrystal, the top U.S. commander in Afghanistan, was forced to step down from his post today. His replacement, Master Sergeant Goober Heap, will assume his duties immediately. McChrystal’s position became untenable after he gave the “bird” to Vice President Biden, U.S. Ambassador to Afghanistan, Karl Eikenberry, and an unnamed minister in the French government. McChrystal’s conduct was exposed in an article that appeared in a recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine.

“We cannot have a hired gun like McChrystal giving the bird to members of this Administration,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “The French, yes, and it’s OK to flip one when Senator Man Tan [Rep. John Boehner, R-OH] walks by. After all, Boehner, or Big Boner as we prefer to call him in the White House, does it to the President all the time. One of the President’s goals is to bring more civility to Washington.”

McChrystal was interviewed by this reporter at his retreat in Bladensburg, MD, where he was found cleaning a 155-mm howitzer. “Yeah, I picked up this baby in Kuwait. It’s a bit rusty, but I figure once it’s tidied up, I’ll test her out with a few dummy rounds. Has a range of 16,350 yards, you know—about from here to downtown D.C.”

Sergeant Heap was somewhat confused by his new appointment: “Who the [bleep’s] supposed to salute who? I’m up to my [bleepin’] ass in [bleepin’] majors and [bleepin’] colonels who earn ribbons sittin’ on their [bleepin’] butts playing with each other. Meanwhile, I’m on my fourth [bleepin’] tour in [bleepin’] turbanland with a new [bleepin’] baby at home that looks like the [bleepin’] Tasty Freeze man.”

Larry King, rumored to be still alive, will interview Sergeant Heap on his show this week.

Obesity: A Cure for Climate Change?

Obesity: A Cure for Climate Change?

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has released the results of a study that sees worldwide obesity as key to reducing carbon emissions and halting climate change. Spokesman Offenscus Contradiscu said that “. . . the amount of carbon that the world population could capture by each adult putting on, say, 100 pounds is tremendous. Of that, 18 pounds is carbon. Multiply that by an adult population of 4 billion and, presto, 72-billion pounds, or 36-million tons, captured.”

Bernhard Snufsdenhendsenson, a reporter from Norway, pointed out that this would amount to only a tiny fraction of carbon emitted by motor vehicles, buildings, and industry each year. This resulted in a heated exchange between Snufsdenhendsenson and Contradiscu, which ended when Contradiscu sat his 350-pound bulk on Snufsdenhendsenson and screamed, “Magre er ikke bety!” (“Lean is not mean!”).

A flushed Contradiscu later suggested that the proposed weight gains might have to be ratcheted up and could be extended to children. Snufsdenhendsenson countered by saying, “The negative effects from this undertaking would be significant: Airline seat widths would have to be increased, reducing passenger capacity. Walmart would have to buy larger shopping baskets and establish a one-way policy for its aisles. And where would the additional Twinkies come from?”

Monsanto, whose genetically modified seed corn has a virtual monopoly on corn production, was elated. “This is a great opportunity,” said Monsanto’s CEO. “Our biggest customers, farmers who grow for Archer Daniels Midland [ADM], have our phones ringing off the hook, saying that soda bottlers like Coke and bakers like Entenmann’s are clamoring for more high-fructose corn syrup to satisfy demand. And look at the impact on manufacturers of diabetes drugs. Eli Lilly is up 8 percent on the IPCC recommendation.”

Moose Fever Grips the Nation

Moose Fever Grips the Nation

By Bill Britton

In the wake of Sarah Palin’s continuing surge in popularity following the 2008 election, the nation has been caught up in “moose mania.” Images of Palin hovering over a moose kill in Alaska have electrified the NRA’s membership. Bumper stickers saying “I Killed a Moose for God” are proliferating across the land. Lines hundreds long are forming outside of hunting license outlets in the Northeast and Alaska for permits to kill a moose.

Palin has stoked the mania by offering up her recipes for moose stew and moose-steak tartare. “No chocolate-chip recipes from this babe,” Palin shouted before thousands of adoring fans at a Tea Party rally in Ohio. “My long-term goal is to open up my home state to unrestricted oil drilling and hunting. You’re all invited! Party time on the tundra! BP rules!”

Despite the P.A. system breaking down, Palin was heard loud and clear. “What a voice,” one onlooker exclaimed. Palin was then carried away above the crowd to her waiting limousine in what had turned into a 1980s-style mosh pit.

The scene has been repeated at rallies across America, although several have been disrupted by grandmothers wearing Bullwinkle masks, shouting, “Palin’s a stinky! Save our Bull-winkie! / It’s back to Wasilla for Palin the killer!”

Lost in all the confusion was groupie John McCain, whose murmured words were barely heard by a few stragglers still standing in front of the stadium after the rally: “Drill, Drill, Drill! Kill, Kill, Kill!” He was later seen wandering aimlessly in the parking lot, muttering, “Where the hell are my Secret-Service agents? What state is this?”

Florida Homeowners’ Association Bans Dead Leaves

Florida Homeowners’ Association Bans Dead Leaves

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Pierre Saber, president of the Verde Dandé Homeowners’ Association, a 55+ community on Florida’s Gulf Coast, announced that the VD board of directors has passed a series of innovative by-laws designed to protect the community’s home values. “We see the dead-leaf issue as one that has plagued the community for years,” said Saber. “Of course dead palm fronds are unsightly as well, and like all dead things, they should be given a proper Christian burial. To this end, the association has purchased vacant lot 35, now designated Special Holy Interment Terrain, or SHIT for short.”

Other by-laws changes include these measures: reducing maximum grass height from 3.87 to 3.66 inches, prohibiting residents from wearing or playing Grateful Dead-related material between 10:00 pm and 8:00 am, prohibiting topless or bottomless (or both) swimming in residents’ pools unless the participants have a body-mass index (BMI) of less than 25, and requiring residents to install speed bumps in driveways.

A referendum to determine homeowner approval of the new by-laws found 57% in favor, 46% against, and 33% undecided (22% made two or more selections). Eighty-eight-year-old Levi Troll, a former Navy captain and chairman of the HOA’s Nitti Gritty Committee, which formulated the changes, expressed his reaction to the vote: “This is an example of oligarchy in action. I see this as a new beginning for Verde Dandé. At the next committee meeting, I’m going to propose that all 139 homes in the community be painted battleship grey and that razor wire be strung around its borders to keep out undesirables like alligators, kids, and Democrats.”

Google Names YouTube Spin-Offs

Google Names YouTube Spin-Offs

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Chief economist at Google, Hal Varian, announced that YouTube, acquired by the search-engine giant in 2007, will spin off a separate entity, YouCrap, to deal with the increased flood of home videos uploaded to its servers. “We want to differentiate newsworthy material from the ton of crappy stuff we get every second of the day,” said Varian. “We felt we had to distinguish things like Japanese toilet pranks and skateboard disasters from worthwhile videos like Lady Gaga and her sparking bra. YouCrap will satisfy the insatiable demand of video contributors who love to bore the crap out of each other—hence the name.”

If successful, other spin-offs could evolve, including YouBoobs, YouButt, YouIncoherentRanting, and YouOffkeySinging, among others. YouWhatsWithJacquesDerrida was dropped after it was determined that such a subset would match the interests of YouIncoherentRanting’s viewership. However, some potential was seen with niche categories such as YouWienerWolfing, YouBulimiaBarfing, YouWalmartWaddler, and other diet-related abnormalities.

Varian expanded on his company’s philosophy, saying, “As with all Google initiatives, the YouTube spin-offs will be in beta mode indefinitely. In this way, we can improve the crap that pays and ditch the rest. For example, there’s a natural synergy between YouBoob and the bra and plastics industries, a mélange that envelops both the A- and B-cup gals and their significant others, particularly those with penile implants. We expect ancillary revenues from ad tie-ins to expand dramatically in parallel with the increased dimensions of nation’s breasts and male members.”

Sales of Attack Chipmunks Rise

Sales of Attack Chipmunks Rise

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Wall Street Journal reported that sales of attack chipmunks increased dramatically in 2009. It estimates that more than 270 thousand of the small rodents have been purchased by Americans in response to terrorist threats since 2001. Moose Rodin, president of Incisors-for-Hire©, said that his operation near Waco, Texas trained and sold 2,200 packs of the vicious animals in the past two years. (Attack chipmunks are generally sold in packs of 10.)

“We expect to double our sales in 2010,” said Rodin. “Their extremely territorial nature allows us to re-channel that aspect of their persona into a kind of take-no-prisoners attitude when it comes to fending off intruders and terrorists. In fact, I’ve just signed a contract with the Defense Department to provide 100 ChipPacks® for Marines in Afghanistan, where they’ll be used to secure defensive perimeters in remote areas.”

A tour of Rodin’s facility by Giuseppe Nunzio of INS was an eye-opener. “I always thought of chipmunks as cute little acorn-eaters,” reported Nunzio. “First I went through the chipmunk barracks, where cagefuls of the little brutes reared up and snarled at me, gnashing out with their razor-sharp yellow teeth. Then I went to the training area where drill instructors ran them though an obstacle course and had them attack robed-and-turbaned dummies. Of course, they spend hours conditioning on spinning treadmills. It was quite impressive.”

Celebrities and other notables are major purchasers. Ellen DeGeneres has more than ten packs, all of which sleep with her. Rush Limbaugh tried a pack, but his insistence that they share his rigid diet of goose-liver pâté and Fritos led to their premature deaths from heart attack and stroke.

60Minutes will air a segment devoted attack chipmunks in late 2010.

NIH: Iceberg Lettuce “Useless”

NIH: Iceberg Lettuce “Useless”

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — During his weekly press briefing, Gerhard Veracity, a spokesman for the National Institutes of Health (NIH), said that consuming iceberg lettuce is a “useless exercise in mastication” and that you “might as well eat wet wallboard, unless it’s made in China in which case it’s loaded with certain vital nutrients that come from duck-farm manure used as a binding agent.” When reminded that Chinese wallboard has been found to be toxic because of high levels of heavy metals, Veracity replied, “True, true, but a related study found that it builds strong teeth, although the side effect of phosphorescence is somewhat alarming.”

R. Greenleaf Crisp, president of the National Iceberg Lettuce League (NILL), countered Veracity’s claim during the league’s annual conference held in Salinas, California. “Iceberg lettuce forms the foundation of the American salad bowl. It’s flavorless and, except for the outer leaves, is almost colorless, which means that it doesn’t interfere with the magic of a Wishbone or Newman’s salad dressing topped with a generous portion of Bacos, all of which have nutritive value, except for those things on their labels dreamed up by the boys at ADM that nobody can pronounce.”

Roger I. Wilcome, dietary guru to numerous Hollywood celebrities, was found with two Rock Hudson look-a-likes in the Dionysus Inn on Vine Street. “The NIH is bent on wrecking my livelihood, and right after receiving stimulus money from the Feds. I’ve been pushing iceberg lettuce for years, saying it led one down the path to colonic health. ‘Bigger Heads for Better Health’ is on all my scented stationary. Look at Chad and Winslow here. Have you ever seen smoother skin? It’s all because they gobble nothing but the best heads.”

Glenn Beck: “Drain, Baby, Drain!”

Glenn Beck: “Drain, Baby, Drain!”

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Fox News’ Glenn Beck announced the results of a week-long conference he organized to find a way to deal with oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico from the destroyed BP drilling rig: “The best long-term solution would be to drain all the water from the Gulf of Mexico so that the oil can be recovered with minimal damage to the ecosystem while at the same time ensuring BP’s profitability. BP could then, of course, run a pipeline directly to a Louisiana refinery. Just think—oystermen and shrimpers could harvest their catch using farmers’ combines instead of having to risk their lives on the water.”

The benefits to all concerned are obvious, claimed Beck, who has been in touch with Dick Cheney, former chair of Halliburton. “Dick told me that the way to expedite the whole operation would be to tender a no-bid contract to Halliburton, since his former company perfected this business method in the early decades of the Iraq war. He has assured me that a levee could be built between the Florida Everglades and the Cancun, Mexico in a matter of weeks. Then it’s simply a matter of getting that creepy governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal, to position the state’s fire trucks along the levee and pump all the water out of the Gulf.”

One concern is the fact that illegal aliens would have additional access to hundreds of miles of coastal America’s borders, plus the question was raised about what to do with the continuing flow of water from the Mississippi River. “No problem,” countered Beck. “We could just direct that water up the Rio Grande. That ditch has been damn-near dry for 50 years anyway. Help with the illegals nuisance too.”

Goin’ Back to Ocracoke

Goin’ Back to Ocracoke

By Bill Britton

Each spring I heed the sand dunes’ call and pack the campin’ gear:
the best Dead discs, the fishin’ poles, a case or two of beer.
The risin’ sun draws me south to sandy isles they named
the Outer Banks where Teach’s wealth lies buried and unclaimed.
I cross the bridge at Currituck with Kitty Hawk in view
and one eye out for state police who thirst for revenue.

Goin’ back to Ocracoke, the land of goodsome folks
who look on summer lads like me as migratory jokes.
Dingbatters all, we try our best to mummock them the least,
but quamished looks reveal the fact we’ve driven too far east.

Pea Island’s sign reminds me soon of liquids drunk en route.
I stop to ease my achin’ gut midst poison ivy shoots.
The itch won’t start to drive me mad until a night has passed,
then calamine and sea-salt soaks will lend relief at last.
I wave at Avon, Buxton too, and Frisco’s scalawags,
then charter boats at Hatteras wave back at me with flags.
I rumble ‘cross the ferry ramp onto the steel-plate decks
and weave between the channel gates and shoals designed for wrecks.
I dash down 12, the first car off, “Hello, Molasses Creek,”
mosquito hoardes a-lyin’ low, a-honin’ bloody beaks.
The campground sign spurs me on, the village is close by,
my cubes of ice a mem’ry now, my beer as hot as pie.
The V’riety Store glows in mist, I slow to twenty per
and nudge my sleepy soulmate who is growlin’ like a cur.
Her carpin’ fails to faze me as I walk in through the door
with visions of a peaceful sea, Bikinied babes galore.
“Two bags of ice, if you please, and what’s the current price?”
“Sorry sir, but I’ve bad news. We’ve just run out of ice.”

I’m back again in Ocracoke, the land of goodsome folks
who look on summer lads like me as migratory jokes.
Dingbatters all, we try our best to mummock them the least,
but quamished looks reveal the fact, we’ve driven too far east.

I.Q. of Intelligent Design’s Creator Pegged at 78

I.Q. of Intelligent Design’s Creator Pegged at 78

By Bill Britton

After a series of exhaustive tests, researchers at the U.S. Department of Education have found that the “higher being” responsible for Intelligent Design (ID) has an IQ of 78. This number falls within a range signifying “borderline deficiency in intelligence.” The release of the news sparked a number of protests around the country. John H. Calvert, Managing Director of the ID Network, claimed that the test was unfair: “How can a two-hour test be fair? It took God millions of years to design the human eye. How can He be expected to complete a 100-word quiz in two hours? I never said He was a Mensa candidate.”

Leading atheist Richard Dawkins disputed the findings. “I cannot attest to the validity of this, quote, ‘God,’ being the Big Banger himself, or herself, for that matter. I believe He should undergo rigorous scrutiny. For example, can He recite the Bible and Qur’an word-for-word? Where’s his laboratory? I think the whole thing’s a sham meant to equate His intelligence with the typical believer’s. Ask the folks stranded by volcanic ash if they think He’s so clever. Ask the people in Haiti, for that matter.”

Education Secretary Arne Duncan said that “it looks like God never had the benefit of the ‘No Child Left Behind’ program. Perhaps we can get Him some remedial help. First I’d have to check with Director Pete Orszag over at the Office of Management and Budget to see if we can come up with the necessary money. If not, we could always get a smaller White House Christmas tree this year and sign on a tutor funded with the savings.”

Coleman Tent to Tailor Suits for Limbaugh

Coleman Tent to Tailor Suits for Limbaugh

By Bill Britton

The Coleman Company announced today that it has signed a contract with Rush Limbaugh to make the media personality’s garments. CEO Sam Solomon said that “Coleman is uniquely qualified to fabricate Mr. Limbaugh’s clothing. Our oversize equipment is designed to sew family-size tents. Why not clothing of similar dimensions? Our tent fabric can take any amount of abuse, from excessive perspiration to teeth-gnashing. We just need to test it to see if it can tolerate mouth foam.”

Recognizing Limbaugh’s special needs, Coleman is designing a suit with a pocket large enough to hold a 48-quart Coleman cooler. Stitched into the collar will be a back-up camera similar to those found in motor homes, which will allow him to maneuver in close quarters. Back-up warning beepers will be integrated as well, since his bulk makes this mandatory in most states.

“All of Mr. Limbaugh’s clothing will be sewn to the highest standards,” said Solomon, “and each item will be expandable by employing quick-release fabric looseners and through the extensive incorporation of NASA-grade elastics. Neckties large enough to accommodate Mr. Limbaugh’s 32-inch neck will be a challenge, but we expect to subcontract them to an area upholsterer.”

To offset the cost of the suits especially, Limbaugh is expected to sell advertizing space on his outer garments. Two companies in particular have shown interest and include Häagen-Dazs and Burger King. At a joint news conference, company representatives agreed that both have done for Limbaugh what they hope to do for America.

Palin Given Top Spot at ASHOL

Palin Given Top Spot at ASHOL

By Bill Britton

Sarah Palin’s publicist, Rick Maver, announced today that Alaska’s former governor has been signed on as head of ASHOL (American Society of Hateful and Odious Loonies). Society headquarters are located in Clayton, Michigan, where a number of similar organizations are based, including Hutaree, whose members believe that the Antichrist is attempting to establish a "New World Order" and that all law enforcement officials are part of the conspiracy and must be killed.

Maver said that Palin “would be a great asset to ASHOL” and that she would “take on the commie Democrats and kick butt.” Earlier attempts to sign on Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) as chairperson failed because of her heavy schedule as Fox News’ unofficial Washington correspondent. Said Bachmann, “I have every confidence that Sarah will take charge of all the ASHOLs around the country and help flush liberal America down the toilet.”

Palin said that she will continue to work closely with the Tea Party movement: “There are a large number of Tea Party ASHOLs who would kinda’ like to see the two organizations merge. Together we can work to put the squeeze on the Democrats during the midterm elections and send them on down the tract, er, track.”

The ASHOL movement has a long history in the United States. Prominent ASHOLs include Republican National Committee chair Richard Steele, former history professor Newt Gingrich, and House Republican Leader John Boehner, who has fought long and hard to penetrate and destroy the liberal bloc. ASHOL t-shirts are available from SarahPAC for $17.76 plus S&H.

CNN: Tsunami Baloney

CNN: Tsunami Baloney
By Bill Britton

Atlanta, GA (INS). CNN president Jonathan Klein expressed dismay at the disappointing results from Saturday’s tsunami. “We had news feeds set up from California to Pango Pango, wherever the heck that is, and what did we get? I’ve seen bigger ripples in my grandson’s wading pool.”

Klein has called a meeting of CNN’s top executives to discuss future tsunami marketing plans for its Disaster Division. “We thought we could do this with inside staff,” said Klein, “but Nancy Grace got so excited that her accent became incoherent. We would have been better off with Christiane Amanpour, despite her hair. And Sanjay was worn out from his Haiti stint.”

A confidential source at CNN said that attempts to lure David Shuster away from MSNBC failed. Shuster’s non-stop speaking style apparently impressed Klein and would have been a complementary offset to Larry King’s sometimes dithering reportage. Shuster is said to be recuperating at home and is no longer is connected to an oxygen tank.

The same source revealed that negotiations with Disney’s Pixar to assume the reins of CNN’s Disaster Division are nearing completion. Apparently, a Buzz Lightyear look-a-like is being considered with voiceovers provided by Dennis Haysbert, the spokesman for Allstate Insurance, whose sonorous intonations have staunched the flow of customers toward GEICO and its precious gecko.

Pixar has privately assured CNN that its latest animation technology will allow Lightyear’s character to be superimposed onto Haysbert’s face. Still to be decided is the flesh color, although Pantone shade number A1864F, a tan hue, is felt to be a satisfactory compromise between Haysbert and Lightyear’s skin tones.

PGA Presents Plan for Recycling Goose Droppings

PGA Presents Plan for Recycling Goose Droppings

By Bill Britton

INS News — The PGA presented a plan today to offset the cost of cleaning up the Canada goose droppings that plague golf courses around the country. Speaking on behalf of its membership, PGA President M.G. Orender traced the history of the Canada goose and its effects on America’s number one pastime.

“The Canada goose is a non-native species,” Orender stated. “Their arrival in this country began with the expulsion of several Canadian newscasters from the repressive regime to the north. The Department of Homeland Security has assured me that our northern border will be fortified to prevent further intrusions by either species.” Canada geese can be recognized by their distinctive call, which sounds like a nasal “oot.” In a strange coincidence, Canadian broadcasters utter the same sound when they pronounce the word “out.”

The PGA plan calls for converting ice hockey’s Zambonis to collect the droppings, which will then be steamed to destroy harmful bacteria. The objective is to produce a palatable goose liver pâté substitute from the muck. Laboratory efforts have yielded a product that is similar to pâté in texture and taste. However, saturated fat levels are much lower.

To avoid confusion with pâté de foie gras, initial marketing will use the trade name, “Pâté de Pooh Gras.” Hormel Foods has agreed to process the first run of Pooh Gras. First-year revenue estimates are pegged at $30 to $50 million.

Hormel pooh-poohed the rumor that Tiger Woods would be its spokesperson, but French conglomerate Peugeot has expressed interest in licensing the name Pooh Gras as a brand enhancer for its fine line of automobiles. “The synergy between Peugeot and Pooh Gras is un gagnant,” joked chairman Pierre Peugeot as he left Hormel headquarters

Aggressive atheism - The Word from Pat Condell

Aggressive atheism - 10 Translation(s) | dotSUB

Mississippi Schools to Ban Reading

Mississippi Schools to Ban Reading

By Bill Britton

In an effort to delist Mississippi as the third-lowest ranking school in national test scores of reading ability, Governor Haley Barbour has decided to ban reading in public schools: “The people of the great state of Mississippi will no longer tolerate this form of humiliation being foisted upon them by the pointy-eared intellectual elite.” When reminded that the intellectual elite actually have pointy heads, he responded, “Not the ones I’ve seen. Just think of Spock in Star Trek.”

To reinforce the ban, Mississippi will institute a new program called DIM (Dumb in Mississippi), which is to replace the current All Children Left Underteached (ACLU) syllabus. This change is necessary because the American Civil Liberties Union brought suit in Federal Court in an effort to prohibit the use of the acronym ACLU by the state, claiming copyright infringement. L.T. Senter, Jr., Senior District Court Judge, ruled in favor of the ACLU, saying, “In the cote’s opinion, Mississippi ain’t got no claim to these four lettas. ‘ Sides, the cote believes they dumb asses betta off with DIM, which they is anyways.”

To counter Mississippi’s initiative, Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana has asked his legislature to adopt a new program called DULL (Dumb Under Louisiana Law). “This will enable us to continue our race to the bottom and mebbe beat out D.C. Without it, literacy rates will clahm, which will allow more voters to unnerstan’ what’s goin’ on in guv’ment.”

In Washington, Education Secretary Arne Duncan said that he has adopted a hands-off approach: “What difference would it make? What with global warming on top of the possibility of another Katrina, both states will become swamp buggy heaven in a few years. Then Mississippi and Louisiana can battle it out for the bottom spot in the Gulf of Mexico.”

How are things in Tora Bora?

How are things in Tora Bora?

(Sung to the tune, “How Are Things in Glocca Morra?”)

By Bill Britton

How are things in Tora Bora?
Is that Saudi creep still sleeping there?
Does he miss his friends in Khanabad,
in Kabul town, or in sandy Kandahar?

How are things in Tora Bora?
Are the Daisy Cutters still dropping there?
Is his turban still pulled o'er his ears?
Is there a need each day
to change his underwear,
does he really care not to breathe fresh air?

So I ask the Special Forces
and Marines along the way,
and each goat that comes a-singin'
"Yea, yea, yea":
Is it time for O bin Laden's auto-de-fe?
Is it time for O bin Laden's auto-de-fe?

Walmart to Offer Terrorist Accessories

Walmart to Offer Terrorist Accessories

By Bill Britton

Recognizing shifting U.S. demographics, Walmart’s 2010 product line will include useful accessories specifically designed to appeal to the terrorist segment. “This is an important customer group for us,” said Walmart spokesperson Shabaella Fou. “Plus it promises excellent long-term growth.”

The initial offering will be restricted to three products. “We want to see what’s most viable for the active terrorist. Focus group results have indicated that the items should be both practical and stylish.” Fou’s assistant Randy Heedless continued, “The products should exude a sense of mystery and intrigue, as well as appeal to all ethnicities, from IRA bombers to Chetznian rebels.”

Heading up the list of new products is “Bomb Thongs for Men®,” which come in Guantanamo Grey, Dynamite Red, and Crazy-Man Stripes. The thongs feature multiple pockets attached to the waistband, two of which are pre-wired for detonation devices. An equivalent for women, “Bomb Thongs for Gals®,” will be offered in the fall.

An ADA-approved walker, with a capacity of 2 pounds of plastic explosives or six sticks of dynamite, will be available for the older terrorist. The “Wanker-Walker®,” designed by I.M. Wanker, includes a detailed instruction book and a 3-ounce spray can of bat guano essence, which, when applied to underarms, will deter body searches by airport security personnel or border guards.

In Walmart’s effort to appeal to all age groups, an “Osama Squeeze-Me Doll®” in various skin tones will come to market for the 2010 Holiday season. A pressure-sensitive trigger is hidden in its chubby cheeks and wired to the explosives compartment. With a suggested retail price of $18.99 (batteries and explosives not included), Walmart executives expect the doll to exceed Barbie® sales by a factor of two.

All products are being offered with a money-back guarantee.