Monday, October 8, 2012

Todd Akin To Build “Berghof West” in Missouri

Adolph Hitler’s Residence Serves as Model

By Bill Britton

Special to TPN — Rep. Todd Akin (R–MO) is building a new summer home atop Taum Sauk Mountain, the highest point in Missouri. Rep. Akin is known famously as the one who clarified the difference between “rape” and “legitimate rape.” To his credit, he also wants to eliminate Social Security, Medicare, and lipstick, the “devil’s paint,” according to Akin.

Modeled after Adolph Hitler’s residence in the Bavarian Alps, Berghof West will be heavily fortified to lessen the risk of invasion by progressives and other fringe groups. A particular threat is Liam Breton, erstwhile candidate for president, who attempted to incite a national rebellion earlier this year (see

Albert Speer, Jr., son of Hitler’s architect and a respected draftsman in his own right, is the lead architect for Berghof West. “There will be no reminders of the good old days,” said Speer. “However, Todd feels that a razor-wire-topped-electrified fence would be appropriate, although he doesn’t want his German shepherd Blondi to be harmed. We might have to opt for guard towers. I saw some nice ones when I was a child.”

Adolph and friends at Berghof

When asked how he received permission to build on state park land, Akin said, “As a U.S. senator, I can do any damn thing I want.” He went on to remind reporters that he can “say anything I want, too. My record’s impeccable on that score. Next week I’m going to clarify the difference between ‘pedophilia’ and ‘legitimate pedophilia.’” 

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Dante’s Circles of Hell to Be Augmented

Rep. Todd Akin (R–MO) develops initiative for Republican Party platform

By Bill Britton

Satan on holiday

Special to TNP — At his daily news conference, Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee (RNC), claimed that “a new version of Dante’s Inferno is necessary to ensure the long-term health of the country. In fact, I anticipate that it will form the basis of a 28th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, that sacred document which was modified so eloquently by the Citizens United case, humanizing corporations. If only I could clone Antonin Scalia and get rid of Ruth Ginsberg, that left-wing troublemaker on the Supreme Court.” (Ed. note: Inferno is the first part of Dante Alighieri's 14th-century epic poem Divine Comedy. It describes Hell as comprised of nine circles for different categories of sinners.)

Rep. Todd Akin (R–MO), the author of the initiative, is famous for the term “legitimate rape” and for telling uninsured cancer victims that “selling their car” would allow them to buy coverage. Priebus provided an outline of Akin’s proposal for the assembled press corps. The format retains the original sinner categories but adds to the punishments:

First Circle (Limbo) for virtuous non-Christians. The punishment is in not being able to rise up to Heaven, the best deal in the Nine Circles. It even has a Happy Hour hosted by Socrates, Einstein, and other notables. To this non-punishment, Akin has added videos of a Michelle Bachmann Fox News interview, thus transforming it into real punishment.

Second Circle (Lust) for those who overdose on pornography and Viagra. Quite appropriately, these sinners are blown about by violent winds. Cleopatra is the most famous celebrity being blown, but Bill Clinton can be seen in the distance. The additional punishment has Dick Cheney targeting the fly-bys with his highly inaccurate 10-guage shotgun.

Third Circle (Gluttony) for those who fail Weight Watchers or buy Oreos in bulk. Gluttons spend eternity lying in slushy poop, which has been favorably compared to the sewage outflow from the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Here can be found Nero and Marlon Brando, among others. Akins has added a recording of Roseanne Barr screaming, “You’re too goddam fat. You’re too goddam fat . . . ,” ad infinitum.

Fourth Circle (Greed) for avaricious clergy and misers like Ebenezer Scrooge.  This happy group competes in a never-ending contest involving pushing enormous weights against each other. A popular resident is Pope Leo X who is often pitted against recently deceased securities traders from Goldman Sachs. The new punishment has everyone in this group wearing smiley Bill Gates masks, with the constant drone of “Beast of Burden,” chanted by Mick Jagger, in the background.

Fifth Circle (Anger) for those, for example, who give the “bird” to senior citizens at stoplights. Depending on the degree of anger, sinners battle each other either above or below the surface of a dark marsh. Weapons include brass knuckles and lead fly swatters. From their skiff, various fallen angels accompanied by Cruella De Vil beat down sinners with their oars. Akin has placed Ayn Rand at the helm, who recites passages from her book, Atlas Shrugged.

Sixth Circle (Heresy) for those who do not take the Bible literally, in other words, non-Baptists. Heretics are placed in fiery tombs and subsist on cayenne-flavored napalm spread on burnt toast. The most famous heretics, Martin Luther and Liam Breton, are seen basting the tombs with hot tar. As added punishment, Akin has the image of Tim Tebow at prayer projected onto the sulfurous clouds, while the Grateful Dead sing “Hell in a Bucket.”   

Seventh Circle (Violence) for those who think Hannibal Lecter is a kindred spirit. This is the most picturesque circle, where sinners are either boiled in blood, fed to Harpies, or left in a flaming desert with fiery flakes raining down. Adolph Hitler and Joseph Stalin are seen dancing to another Grateful Dead tune, “Friend of the Devil.” In future, Akins plans on having Madonna sing in a burned and wrinkled leather bikini that matches her burned and wrinkled skin.

Eighth Circle (Fraud) for used-car salesmen in particular, but also for those who sell holistic medical cures. Punishments include being boiled in pitch, biting snakes, and Akin’s favorite, whipping by demons. Noted fraudsters Jack Abramoff and Amway Chairman, Steve Van Andel, are seen selling condos in Heaven and snakebite remedies, respectively, to suffering sinners. Akin is in the process of developing clones of Fox News’ Ann Coulter to be scattered around the circle, wagging their fingers in derision.

Ninth Circle (Treachery) for those who enjoy both back-stabbing and front-stabbing. Famous back-stabbers include Senator Joseph Lieberman (I–RI), who left the Democratic Party and endorsed John McCain (R–AZ) for president in 2008 (still living, Lieberman has been placed on the waiting list). The most famous front-stabber, of course, is Marcus Junius Brutus, who assassinated Julius Caesar in 44 BC and is on loan from Satan. Akin plans on having wax images of himself, dressed in attire reminiscent of Moses, holding stone tablets that are inscribed with the Ten Commandments, placed at strategic locations around this circle. Like the center of Hell, this circle is kept at absolute zero (−459.67° F), which will allow the wax likenesses to survive throughout eternity.

At the very center of Hell, condemned for committing the ultimate sin, personal treachery against God, rests Satan, encased in ice. On special occasions, Satan is released from the ice and allowed to visit South Park, a small town in Colorado.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Government to Test Cell-Phone Lanes on Interstates

Government to Test Cell-Phone Lanes on Interstates

By Bill Britton

Special to TPN — Chairman Deborah Hearseman of the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) announced that several major U.S. cities will test the practicality of constructing separate cell-phone lanes on interstate highways.  The purpose of this initiative is to reduce the risk of injury or death to non cell-phone users.

“The National Safety Council estimates that in 2010, 1.6 million car crashes occurred while drivers were talking or texting on wireless devices,” said Hearseman.  “The NTSB believes that it makes sense to segregate these drivers so that non cell-phone users enjoy a higher survival rate.”

Approximately 20 miles of the I-495 Capitol Beltway around Washington D.C., from North Bethesda, MD to Alexandria, VA, will see an additional lane constructed with appropriate barriers installed between the new lane and adjacent lanes.  Caterpillar 908H Wheel Loaders will be placed at strategic points to push incapacitated vehicles into a deep ditch that will be cleared periodically.  A barge terminal is being constructed where I-495 crosses the Potomac River to receive the wreckage.

The All-Thumbs Coalition has been lobbying for a cell-phone lane for years.  President Leon Carpal feels that the I-495 project is “a way to prove that mobile device users can be responsible citizens.  We’ll only have ourselves to blame if an accident does happen.  The one downside is the possibility that we’ll be discriminated against with higher insurance rates.”

In related news, Fox TV has announced a new reality show for the fall season: “I-495 Survival.”

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

“God Particle” Found To Be Mormon Messenger

“God Particle” Found To Be Mormon Messenger

 Moroni at the center of the Higgs particle cluster

By Bill Britton

Special to TP News — Physicists at the CERN Laboratory in Switzerland announced that the Higgs boson, the so-called “God particle,” resembles the Mormon angel Moroni. Moroni is the keeper of the golden plates on which is inscribed the Book of Mormon. The angel gave the plates to Joseph Smith, who founded to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church), more commonly known as Mormonism.

Smith buried the plates near his plot of psilocybin mushrooms, known for their psychedelic properties. After translating the inscriptions, Smith returned the Moronic plates to the angel. The plates have not been seen since, although the mushroom garden is still being cared for by a Moronic disciple, called Rocket Man, whose website is

CERN spokesman Sergio Bertolucci said, “Initially we only saw the cluster of particles emanating from the center of the particle burst. However, on closer examination, the Moronic image was seen at the very center, angel horn and all. It was quite a thrill. A group of us are going to the LDS temple at Bern and convert to Mormonism.”

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney was extremely upbeat over the discovery: “My life story reflects my Moronic upbringing. With the discovery at CERN, I know that my Moronic principles will stand me in good stead as I debate President Obama, who, as we know, is not quite an American. Just ask Rush Limbaugh, my authority in these matters.”

Friday, June 29, 2012

Supreme Court Justice Scalia Expands SCROTUM

Supreme Court Justice Scalia Expands SCROTUM

Godfather Scalia

By Bill Britton

Special to TP News — Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has decided to expand his fraternal organization, SCROTUM (Supreme Court Republican Organization to Uncover Moderates). SCROTUM was established by Scalia in 2011 to aid in the fight against liberals and progressives, who often disguise themselves as “moderates.”

Founding members included the other four conservative members of the court, but after Chief Justice John Roberts betrayed his blood oath by affirming the constitutionality of “Obamacare,” he was removed from the SCROTUM roster. Said Roberts, “I don’t believe I should be penalized by SCROTUM. After all, I did lead the effort in the transformation of corporations into people.”

Representatives Bill Johnson (R-OH) and Billy Long (R-MO) have been nominated for SCROTUM membership. Tea Party poster-boy Long recently scolded “good government types” who criticized his four-day junket to the Wynn Casino in Las Vegas paid for by the Consumer Electronics Association. “My experience as an auctioneer in Missouri made me uniquely qualified to evaluate technology. That outfit Apple might have a future.”

Johnson outlined his approach to the legislative process in an interview today: “If Obama's for it, I’m against it. If someone says it's good for the environment, I'll oppose it. If it's a tax, I hate it. If it's a regulation, I don't want it. If it has anything to do with the military, I’m for it. Other countries and religions are bad. The U.N. is worse. The only good government is dead government.” He then doffed a white hood and drove off in a BMW escorted by a contingent of bodyguards dressed in brown shirts.

Justice Scalia announced that the annual SCROTUM Ball will take place at the Watergate Hotel in honor of the late Richard Nixon, the unfairly maligned 37th President of the United States. “Big Dick, as we like to call him, would have been close to SCROTUM had he lived. If he’d only been a Catholic,” Scalia said tearfully.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Romney To Buy Wife Ann a Clothes Washer for Mother’s Day

Ann Romney's Mother's Day Gift
By Bill Britton

Likely Teapublican presidential candidate Mitt Romney revealed that he will be purchasing a new clothes washer for wife Ann this week. “I think it’s the ideal gift for a stay-at-home mom like Ann,” said Romney during a break from the campaign trail. “Up until now, she’s been using a washboard and tub like most LDS [Mormon] wives. But with me running for president, she didn’t have enough time to do a proper job washing my skivvies, and with Mother’s Day coming up, I thought I’d surprise her.”

Former candidate Rick Santorum reacted immediately from his estate in Pennsylvania: “Next thing you know, he’ll be getting Ann an electric stove. If I were president, I’d reinstall a wood stove in the White House kitchen. What was good enough for Martha Washington is good enough for my wife Karen. I’d call her in, but she’s out back chopping wood for the smokehouse. She shot a deer last week and ground it all up for sausage.”

When Romney was asked if he was just trying to shore up his conservative credentials, his response was quick: “You mainstream media guys are all the same. First you start a rumor connecting me with the healthcare plan in Massachusetts, then you accuse me of being pro-choice, when you know I said that just to get a few votes. That has nothing to do with my core beliefs—if you get ill, you’re on your own, and if you have an unwanted pregnancy, send the child to Santorum’s or Bachmann’s house. I’ve got my hands full trying to keep the damn dog off the roof of the car.”

In related news, former candidate Newt Gingrich was arrested while attempting to steal some okra from Michelle Obama’s kitchen garden. Said Gingrich, “I thought they’d go with my cheesy grits. I didn’t know how good cheesy grits were until Mitt mentioned them.”

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Santorum Pledges “New Inquisition”

Dunce cap being modeled by unhappy heretic

Santorum Pledges “New Inquisition”

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Once he is elected, Teapublican presidential candidate Rick Santorum has promised to organize a “New Inquisition” to root out heretics in America. At a news conference yesterday, Santorum said, “I ran the concept before the five Supreme Court Justices who are friendly to the cause, and they were unanimous in their approval.” After the announcement, Justices Antonin Scalia and John Roberts were seen skipping through the Supreme Court building, giving high-fives to staff members.

Tribunals will be set up in each of the 89 federal district courts to deal with the rush of heresy cases expected in 2013. Members of the tribunals will be drawn from both Roman Catholic and Southern Baptist Convention churches. Fox News has already signed a contract granting it exclusive coverage.

“I’ve been working on a list of institutions that are suspected of heresy,” said Santorum to a huge crowd today at Penn State’s Beaver Stadium. “Of particular interest are those universities in the north, especially, that have been forcing students to study secular subjects like languages, history, math, and science. Why study a foreign language? English not good enough for them? The only history students need is the Old Testament. As for science, throw out evolution and bring on Intelligent Design and Creationism! Let’s give them a choice!”

Grounds for heresy are listed in an online brochure available at www.santorum/ These include watching MSNBC, intercourse for pleasure, reading The New York Times, eating dessert on Sunday, and associating with known liberals. The tribunals will determine appropriate punishments, which will range from water-boarding to listening to Christian rock music in an empty ship’s container.

In a related item, Guangzhou Funland Amusement Co., Ltd. in Guangdong, China, announced that it has received an order for 100,000 medieval dunce caps from an unidentified U.S. entity.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Republican Party Changes Name to Teapublican Party

Been brewed too long . . .

Republican Party Changes Name to Teapublican Party

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — After weeks of rancorous internal debate, the Republican National Committee (RNC) passed a resolution renaming itself the Teapublican Party. Although the cost of the change is estimated at close to $53 million, Chairman Reince Priebus said the Teapublican caucus in Congress will pass a special resolution to fund the change through cuts in the National School Lunch Program.

Other names were considered by the RNC (now TNC), including Nopublican, but Teapublican was felt to be more unifying. As part of its constitution, the TNC has added this preamble, which must be memorized by all Teapublicans if they intend to acquire lobbying positions with a military supplier or oil company after leaving Congress:

“We, the Teapublicans of the United States, in Order to destroy all Unions, diminish Social Justice, procure Domestic Handguns, provide for an electrified Border Fence, corrupt the General Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Lobbying to ourselves and our Inferiors, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Teapublican Party of America.”

Priebus, of Greek descent, believes that U.S. salvation depends on its moving toward a Spartan society: “By having the most frightening military establishment in the world,” said Priebus, “we are well on the way toward that goal. However, Congress must pass what I call the ‘Parris Island Initiative,’ in which 3,000 Marine Corps-designed training facilities are set up around the country. Young men would spend their teen years getting ready for the next dozen wars we have planned. We were going to recruit Penn state coach Jerry Sandusky to oversee the program, but we didn’t want the boys turned into cannon fodder, so to speak, before they’re armed and dangerous.”

Heidi Fleiss, Famed Hollywood Madam, is working with the TNC to set up 3,000 satellite facilities near each of the soon-to-be-launched Spartan-inspired Στρατόπεδα Εκπαίδευσης [training camps].”

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Sawdust Approved as Food Supplement

New high-fiber, high-protein sawdust cereal with fly maggots

Sawdust Approved as Food Supplement

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved sawdust as a food supplement. FDA administrator Constance Twiddle announced that the following varieties are suitable for human consumption: white pine, white birch, and white ash. Specifically excluded from the list are black walnut, black oak, and black locust. “The latter three varieties are too difficult to integrate into breakfast cereals and bread products,” said Twiddle, “although yellow pine and red oak might be approved pending further testing.”

Beyond the obvious uses in cereals (for example, shredded wheat) and whole-grain breads, sawdust will most likely be blended into other foods as well, including chopped beef, sausages, canned soups, and a variety of prepared foods. McDonald’s has already branded one new entrée in its fast-food lineup, the McWoody. Chicken McTwiggins is also being considered.

FDA approval came on the heels of the latest survey on obesity in the United States conducted by Surgeon General’s office, which found that 34% of adult Americans are obese. Spokesperson Prudence Gurth said that the addition of sawdust to the American diet “will reduce caloric uptake, while its scouring properties will reduce the need for tooth brushing.” Gurth’s statement had an immediate effect on toothcare-related stocks, with Colgate falling 28% by close on Tuesday.

In contrast, lumber giant Georgia-Pacific stock rose 22%. CEO Tim Berland saw this as a great opportunity to expand the company’s presence in Africa: “All those starving people could use a little sawdust in their diet. I’m working out a deal with the De Beers diamond folks to pay their miners in part with sawdust. It’s just the right thing to do and part of the West’s effort to ease the plight of Africans who still remain the so-called white man’s burden, as English poet Rudyard Kipling once wrote.”

Gingrich’s “Brilliance” Outshines Einstein's

"Mine's this long, Mitt. Can you beat that?"

Gingrich’s “Brilliance” Outshines Einstein's

By Bill Britton

In a nationally televised news conference, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich revealed that his I.Q. is 20 points higher than renowned physicist Albert Einstein. “The American people know that I am basically a modest individual, but I felt I owed it to my adoring public to no longer hide my intellectual brilliance under a bushel, so to speak,” said Gingrich who now wears his academic robes 24/7.

As verification of that brilliance, Bob Jones University has created a new academic award, summa cum bubba, which will be reserved for those whose intellectual capacity exceeds that of Einstein. Gingrich, who graduated magna cum-a, cum-a, cum-a laude from Tulane University, has enjoyed a steady stream of academic awards, beginning with the DuPont science award that he received at age 6 for discovering the reason why peanuts split into two sections: “Essentially, I concluded that it was God’s will, and another example of Intelligent Design.”

Gingrich said he enjoys debating with the other Republican candidates: “My credentials are impeccable and include my capacity to womanize even ugly bitches. I’m just hoping the committee finally agrees to put my podium next to Rick Perry’s in the next debate. I’ll destroy his concentration with my best come-hither glances. Plus I’ll point out that he graduated magna cum nada from Texas State.

Concerning the potential male candidates, Gingrich was equally dismissive: “Romney’s a Mormon—‘nuf said, and Herman Cain’s pizza is too salty, which is why he bailed. By the time I’m finished with ‘em, they won’t know the difference between Lincoln and Washington, which in the case of Perry is a done deal.”

Breton Announces Luddite Party Candidacy

Breton Announces Luddite Party Candidacy

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Liam Breton, who fell short in his attempt to incite a national rebellion, has decided to run for U.S. President on the Luddite Party ticket. The Luddite Party was founded by Breton in response to the failure of the major political parties to address the loss of national purpose caused by a preoccupation with iPhones, iPads, and iPods, among other iStuff. [Ed. note: The Luddites were a movement in 19th-century England that viewed the textile machines of the Industrial Age as inherently evil.]

“We must return to our roots,” said Breton, “and toss these devices into the dustbin of history. Steve Jobs is dead — Long live Steve Jobs! — but let’s get his legacy out of our lives before Apple’s latest device, the iSelf, is implanted into the cerebral cortex of every newborn baby.” As noted in an earlier press release, the iSelf was Jobs’ last project at Apple. It is a WiFi-enabled unit that merges PC functionality with 4G networks and a virtual monitor located on the inside of the forehead.

Ron Paul, the libertarian candidate and darling of the Tea Party, was quick to respond to Breton’s announcement: “Who’s this guy think he is? I’ve been a Luddite ever since I began wiping my ass with leaves at age three. What this country really needs is to toss aside all government agencies and all those other things that have corrupted the American dream, from municipal sewer systems to hospitals. Let’s get back to basics and have disease and pestilence cull the weak from society.”

Michelle Bachmann, former candidate and darling of the Tea Party, whose demented eyes had frightened away her most ardent supporters, has now laid claim to being an early Luddite as well: “I burned my bra in seventh grade. My credentials can be seen whenever the temperature dips below 65 degrees.”

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

American Dream Redux

American Dream Redux

by Bill Britton

My country ‘tis of thee,
I sing of your spacious skies and plains
and purple mountains ambered by sulfurous smoke,
of your Congress whose grim beat grinds down the downtrodden
longing for release from a wilderness of otherness.
I sing of stern-visaged laws
that shroud liberty with words spoken
by caretakers of public morality—airwave preachers
who diddle the faithful as if they were young boys
babbling catechism in a cloakroom.
America, your patriot dreams suffer years of tears in cities,
whose alabaster blocks swarm with bastards of fatherless sons
captured by the myth of God’s grace.
Sweet land of liberty,
your Wall Street altars
are attended by worshippers
who trample out a vintage of capital
on the backs of working men and women
bent by the terrible swift sword of necessity.
America, you stare at red-glaring rockets
and bursting bombs,
insane recreations of Dresden
sanitized into episodes of Star Wars.
America, a government of, by, and for the greediest
leaves the neediest reaching for the bottom rung
of a ladder broken by lobbyists
who slither through hallowed halls
in pursuit of silver-haired senators
with Bahamian junkets on their minds
while wondering what else their country
can do for them.
I once had a dream of freedom,
of oppression defeated by justice in men’s souls,
of crooked places made straight,
of freedom from every mole hill to every mountain,
of freedom from sea to shining sea,
of freedom at last.