Mississippi Schools to Ban Reading

Mississippi Schools to Ban Reading

By Bill Britton

In an effort to delist Mississippi as the third-lowest ranking school in national test scores of reading ability, Governor Haley Barbour has decided to ban reading in public schools: “The people of the great state of Mississippi will no longer tolerate this form of humiliation being foisted upon them by the pointy-eared intellectual elite.” When reminded that the intellectual elite actually have pointy heads, he responded, “Not the ones I’ve seen. Just think of Spock in Star Trek.”

To reinforce the ban, Mississippi will institute a new program called DIM (Dumb in Mississippi), which is to replace the current All Children Left Underteached (ACLU) syllabus. This change is necessary because the American Civil Liberties Union brought suit in Federal Court in an effort to prohibit the use of the acronym ACLU by the state, claiming copyright infringement. L.T. Senter, Jr., Senior District Court Judge, ruled in favor of the ACLU, saying, “In the cote’s opinion, Mississippi ain’t got no claim to these four lettas. ‘ Sides, the cote believes they dumb asses betta off with DIM, which they is anyways.”

To counter Mississippi’s initiative, Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana has asked his legislature to adopt a new program called DULL (Dumb Under Louisiana Law). “This will enable us to continue our race to the bottom and mebbe beat out D.C. Without it, literacy rates will clahm, which will allow more voters to unnerstan’ what’s goin’ on in guv’ment.”

In Washington, Education Secretary Arne Duncan said that he has adopted a hands-off approach: “What difference would it make? What with global warming on top of the possibility of another Katrina, both states will become swamp buggy heaven in a few years. Then Mississippi and Louisiana can battle it out for the bottom spot in the Gulf of Mexico.”