Thursday, February 24, 2011

Glenn Beck is Certified a “Looney”

Beck undergoing "scream" therapy

Glenn Beck is Certified a “Looney”

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The American Psychiatric Association (APA) announced that it has created a new category of mental illness, “Looney,” to describe the unique mental state of Glenn Beck.

An abstract from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) states that “The Looney is typically characterized as being a combination of Messianic, Napoleonic, and Occult personalities with overtones of martyrdom and a tendency toward self-flagellation and self-pleasuring. . . . There is no known cure, although isolation and streaming videos of MSNBC’s Chris Matthews might ease the symptoms.”

APA President Carol A. Bernstein, MD, said that the inspiration for this new category came from association member Seekim Odbalim, MD, who has been observing media, sports, and entertainment figures for the past forty years: “I have had no problem classifying a Lady Gaga, a John McEnroe, or even a Rush Limbaugh, but Beck did not fit into a neat slot like these examples of nut cases. Put simply, Glenn Beck occupies a special place in the nut world because his symptoms overlap a wide range of clinical disorders, and thus the name ‘Looney’.”

Fox News President Roger Ailes summed up his company’s reaction to the APA announcement: “Why do you think we hired him?”

Although pressure has been building to categorized Congresswoman Michele Bachmann as a Looney, Odbalim said, “We must maintain the distinction among certifiable Loonies, Idiots, and the Dim-Witted. After consulting with several colleagues, I felt that Bachmann belongs in the latter category. After all, she cannot remember her third-grade history, although I understand that she can now tell the difference between the Civil and Revolutionary Wars. That old saying, ‘The eyes are windows on the soul,’ certainly applies to her. If you’ll notice, there’s nothing in there.”

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Exclusive: Dozen Tea Party Members Fall from Sky

Bachmann during recent Fox News interview

Exclusive: Dozen Tea Party Members Fall from Sky

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Today on Fox News, the Nationwide Tea Party Coalition explained the reasons behind the sight of a dozen of its members falling from the sky near Roswell, New Mexico. Spokesman Christian Wright said, “It had nothing to do with an alien attack, although Roswell has suffered from them over the years. We believe it was a practice run for the Rapture that is about to take place during the End Times. I guess those poor souls just weren’t born again like me and my son Farr.”

Roswell Police Chief Selden Wronk disagreed with Wright and said that autopsies revealed that most of the deceased had only half a brain. “I believe this indicates the work of aliens,” said Wronk. “Their brains were sucked out by those little green men that run rampant around here.” In contrast, House leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) said that the new Tea Party members in Congress “always seemed to be a little light upstairs—just like me—not quite a full cup of tea, so to speak.”

Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann (R-MN), a Tea Party activist and much admired by the Minnesota Militia, blamed the human “fallout” on a Democratic Party attempt to weaken the Tea Party movement. Sporting a brown shirt with lightning bolt monograms above each breast, Bachmann goose-stepped her way to the podium at a rally in Minneapolis and screeched, “The Founding Fathers knew about the dangers presented by Democrats like Thomas Madison and James Jefferson.”

When told that she had mixed up their names and that they were two of the Founding Fathers, Bachmann replied, “That’s not the way it is in the history book I’m writing. Just ask Sarah. By the way, can anyone recommend an ophthalmologist? My eyes seem to wander.”

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Dear Dr. Jones

This comment was written in response to a real doctor’s letter circulating on the Internet. It has appeared in various forms, but the gist of the letter has been verified by In the doctor’s words, “I contend that our nation's ‘health care crisis’ . . . is the result of a ‘crisis of culture’, a culture in which it is perfectly acceptable to spend money on luxuries and vices while refusing to take care of one's self or, heaven forbid, purchase health insurance [and] based in the irresponsible credo that ‘I can do whatever I want to because someone else will always take care of me’. Once you fix this ‘culture crisis’ that rewards irresponsibility and dependency, you'll be amazed at how quickly our nation's health care difficulties will disappear.”


Dear Dr. Jones:

During the past thirty years, I have had the pleasure of becoming a grandfather a dozen times. Samantha was the eighth and was a delight from the moment she uttered her first cry at the indignity of being exposed to the assessing eyes of her mom and dad and the delivery room doctors and staff. As responsible parents, my son and his wife acquired healthcare coverage to offset the costs of any medical needs that might arise for them and their two children.

At age 6, Samantha developed a malignant brain tumor (anaplastic astrocytoma). Her parents were aware that not all of Samantha’s needs would be covered by their policy, but they were not prepared for the shock of receiving bills totaling about $240,000 in unreimbursed expenses, this despite her being a patient at St. Jude Children’s Hospital for eight weeks where virtually all her expenses were paid in full.

Thirteen months later, Samantha died. Over this period, my son’s family income was cut to less than half, a result of a tanking economy (he is a carpenter) and the fact that my son spent so much time in repeated visits to doctors and hospitals for treatment of seizures and all those other semi-emergencies that accompany a terminal illness like brain cancer.

In their case, there was no “crisis of culture” that rewarded irresponsibility and dependency. Few dollars were spent by my son and daughter-in-law on luxuries and vices (save an occasional jug of cheap wine) while refusing to take care of their family. However, a crisis of culture does exist when a society fails to provide a safety net for family members struck down by a medical disaster, which, I’m sure you’d agree, is a fair definition of an affliction like anaplastic astrocytoma.

Yes, there are people in America who could be called irresponsible in anyone’s eyes. However, there are many more like my son who make yeoman efforts to preserve and protect their families. These include the tens of millions in the lower economic brackets who must make the choice between bread on the table and top-drawer healthcare coverage. Unfortunately, it all comes down to assigning top priority to the most immediate need.

Your letter implies that “irresponsibility” is the rule for those without healthcare coverage. I suggest it is society that is irresponsible for not providing a way to at least subsidize basic preventive care and to provide a safety net for those who are victims of chance and circumstances not of their own making. And as middle and lower incomes continue to stagnate (while wealth becomes further concentrated at the top), the disparity between those who can and cannot afford basic coverage will only grow.


Bill Britton