Monday, July 6, 2009

Palin to Become Rhodes Scholar

Palin to Become Rhodes Scholar

by Bill Britton

In a surprising development, Sarah Palin’s decision to quit the governorship of Alaska has been tied to her acceptance of a Rhodes scholarship to Oxford University. The Right Honorable Lord Patten of Barnes, chancellor of Oxford, released a prepared statement in which he praised “Governor Palin’s broad knowledge of world affairs” and her “deep understanding of environmental issues.”

Professor Sally Shuttleworth, Dean of Humanities at Oxford, said that Palin has signed on to a rigorous schedule that will lead to a Ph.D. in General Linguistics and Comparative Philology. Asked about her decision not to pursue a course of study leading to a degree in law or politics, Palin said, “Heck, I don’t need to know any more about politics. I’m the new brand of politics. And law? There’s too much law in this country. Look how the law’s keeping oil money out of the pockets of folks who really need it.”

The governor elaborated on her degree choice, saying that “linguistics is something that will help me communicate with all those primitive folks in places like Russia, Brooklyn, and Mexico. Plus, maybe I’ll be able to understand those folks who writhe on the floor of my church, speaking in tongues. Darn it, that babbling is bad enough, but the snake handling gets on my nerves and is the reason I pack my Glock 9-millimeter every Sunday morning.”

In an interview late yesterday, a reporter asked Palin if it would be difficult to find time to study and still care for her family. “Doncha worry,” said Palin. “Todd, the First Dude, knows all about poopy diapers and math homework. I got him as well-trained as a sled dog. I yell ‘mush,’ and my little issorartuyok [lead dog] runs up to me dripping and whining.”

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Argentina to Buy Section of Appalachian Trail

Argentina to Buy Section of Appalachian Trail

By Bill Britton

To accommodate its country’s avid hikers, Argentina has offered to buy part of the Appalachian Trail. During a press conference at Government House in Buenos Aires, President Cristina Fernandez, who met last week with South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, said: “The benefits for both countries are tremendous. On the one hand, people like Governor Sanford won’t have to escape to Argentina to pursue their active lifestyle. On the other hand, Argentine hikers will have a lovely tool to satisfy their hiking needs.”

Maria Belen Chapur, Sanford’s frequent hiking companion, was equally enthusiastic: “The governor’s schedule is very demanding, and after a day of hiking with me, he’s exhausted. By having part of the Appalachian Trail under Argentine sovereignty, I can come and go as I please. Plus, the governor won’t have to use his frequent-flyer mileage or taxpayer money to pursue his favorite hobby.”

Said the governor’s wife, Jenny, “He can hike all day, if he wants. I haven’t hiked with him for years, and don’t intend to. He’s admitted to having a bevy of hiking companions, which is OK, as long as I don’t have to wash his dirty shorts.”

Final details are yet to be worked out, but since none of the trail lies in South Carolina, the section from Ball Mountain to Greasy Mountain in Georgia is a likely candidate. “I get into Georgia to hike as often as I can,” said Sanford. “Some of my fondest memories are of slogging through the bush near Ball.”