PGA Presents Plan for Recycling Goose Droppings
By Bill Britton
INS News — The PGA presented a plan today to offset the cost of cleaning up the Canada goose droppings that plague golf courses around the country. Speaking on behalf of its membership, PGA President M.G. Orender traced the history of the Canada goose and its effects on America’s number one pastime.
“The Canada goose is a non-native species,” Orender stated. “Their arrival in this country began with the expulsion of several Canadian newscasters from the repressive regime to the north. The Department of Homeland Security has assured me that our northern border will be fortified to prevent further intrusions by either species.” Canada geese can be recognized by their distinctive call, which sounds like a nasal “oot.” In a strange coincidence, Canadian broadcasters utter the same sound when they pronounce the word “out.”
The PGA plan calls for converting ice hockey’s Zambonis to collect the droppings, which will then be steamed to destroy harmful bacteria. The objective is to produce a palatable goose liver pâté substitute from the muck. Laboratory efforts have yielded a product that is similar to pâté in texture and taste. However, saturated fat levels are much lower.
To avoid confusion with pâté de foie gras, initial marketing will use the trade name, “Pâté de Pooh Gras.” Hormel Foods has agreed to process the first run of Pooh Gras. First-year revenue estimates are pegged at $30 to $50 million.
Hormel pooh-poohed the rumor that Tiger Woods would be its spokesperson, but French conglomerate Peugeot has expressed interest in licensing the name Pooh Gras as a brand enhancer for its fine line of automobiles. “The synergy between Peugeot and Pooh Gras is un gagnant,” joked chairman Pierre Peugeot as he left Hormel headquarters