Sunday, February 28, 2010

CNN: Tsunami Baloney

CNN: Tsunami Baloney
By Bill Britton

Atlanta, GA (INS). CNN president Jonathan Klein expressed dismay at the disappointing results from Saturday’s tsunami. “We had news feeds set up from California to Pango Pango, wherever the heck that is, and what did we get? I’ve seen bigger ripples in my grandson’s wading pool.”

Klein has called a meeting of CNN’s top executives to discuss future tsunami marketing plans for its Disaster Division. “We thought we could do this with inside staff,” said Klein, “but Nancy Grace got so excited that her accent became incoherent. We would have been better off with Christiane Amanpour, despite her hair. And Sanjay was worn out from his Haiti stint.”

A confidential source at CNN said that attempts to lure David Shuster away from MSNBC failed. Shuster’s non-stop speaking style apparently impressed Klein and would have been a complementary offset to Larry King’s sometimes dithering reportage. Shuster is said to be recuperating at home and is no longer is connected to an oxygen tank.

The same source revealed that negotiations with Disney’s Pixar to assume the reins of CNN’s Disaster Division are nearing completion. Apparently, a Buzz Lightyear look-a-like is being considered with voiceovers provided by Dennis Haysbert, the spokesman for Allstate Insurance, whose sonorous intonations have staunched the flow of customers toward GEICO and its precious gecko.

Pixar has privately assured CNN that its latest animation technology will allow Lightyear’s character to be superimposed onto Haysbert’s face. Still to be decided is the flesh color, although Pantone shade number A1864F, a tan hue, is felt to be a satisfactory compromise between Haysbert and Lightyear’s skin tones.

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