Friday, November 5, 2010

Republicans Begin Search for New War

Republicans Begin Search for New War

By Bill Britton

Buoyed by the Republican Party’s victories in the mid-term elections, likely House Speaker John (“Weepy”) Boehner (R-Ohio) pledged to find a new war for America: “Let’s face it,” said Boehner, “The American people became totally bored by the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. We need to rouse them out of their lethargy.”

When reminded that those two wars were still ongoing, Boehner replied, “What happened to ‘Mission Accomplished’? I must be spending too much time on the golf course. I’ll have to have a TV screen installed in my tanning bed so I can catch up during cocktail hour. I’m a multitasker, you know.”

Although Iran seems an obvious choice, neocon Richard Perle, who did such a superb job fabricating an excuse to invade Iraq, has a short list that includes Iceland and Grenada. Perle justified both choices by saying, “Iceland has no standing army, so it would be easy pickings. And what an emotional lift it would be for the U.S. public to see our Marines once again storming the beaches of Grenada.”

A GAO report confirmed that both operations would add only $30 to $40 billion to the budget. These funds could be offset easily by cutting the food stamp budget. Tea Party senator-elect Rand Paul (KY) agreed: “Cutting the food stamp program makes sense. The beneficiaries of the program are too fat anyway. The overall health of the country would definitely improve.”

In a related story, Tea Party rising star Christine O’Donnell, who lost in the Delaware Senate race, is early favorite to be Sarah Palin’s choice as Secretary of State after Palin wins the presidency in 2012. Said Palin, “Chrissie is highly qualified. She just needs to sign up for a few political science courses at Delaware County Community College.”

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