Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Post-War Plans See Afghanistan as 51st State

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Post-War Plans See Afghanistan as 51st State

By Bill Britton

WASHINGTON, DC — In an interview with Larry King on CNN, White House Adviser Rahm Emanuel hinted that Afghanistan would become the fifty-first state soon after the country is democratized. “It will be a mutually beneficial relationship,” Emanuel said. “The people of Afghanistan are excited about their impending statehood.” Asked about how they felt about the U.S. war effort, Emanuel responded, “The Afghani people have enough sense to stay away from targeted areas. Besides, who wants to live next to a terrorist camp? That’s not particularly good for your long-term health.”

When King wondered what form of government the fifty-first state might take, Emanuel said, “I think we’d use the Louisiana model with parishes instead of counties, but they’d be called mosquettes so as not to offend the populace. I can see actor Johnny Depp finishing up his career as governor of our new state, a soft and cuddly version of bin Laden. Sort of looks like General MacArthur. And you know how the Japs came to love Doug. At least that’s the image we want to project.”

Emanuel continued, “We have to give these folks a whole new identity. President Obama had a great idea the other day by suggesting that Afghanistan be renamed Texistan. Kind of bring together the people of Afghanistan and the people of Texas through all they have in common—oil, submissive women, cocaine trafficking, highly religious closet drinkers—a great idea.”

Treasury Secretary Ben Bernanke was less sanguine. “This could be the cost that breaks the bank. We’d have to replace the 240 thousand 50-star flags located on federal property. And, since they’re all made in China, that change would increase our trade deficit by five million dollars, unless we can get a better deal through Walmart.”

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