Coleman Tent to Tailor Suits for Limbaugh
By Bill Britton
The Coleman Company announced today that it has signed a contract with Rush Limbaugh to make the media personality’s garments. CEO Sam Solomon said that “Coleman is uniquely qualified to fabricate Mr. Limbaugh’s clothing. Our oversize equipment is designed to sew family-size tents. Why not clothing of similar dimensions? Our tent fabric can take any amount of abuse, from excessive perspiration to teeth-gnashing. We just need to test it to see if it can tolerate mouth foam.”
Recognizing Limbaugh’s special needs, Coleman is designing a suit with a pocket large enough to hold a 48-quart Coleman cooler. Stitched into the collar will be a back-up camera similar to those found in motor homes, which will allow him to maneuver in close quarters. Back-up warning beepers will be integrated as well, since his bulk makes this mandatory in most states.
“All of Mr. Limbaugh’s clothing will be sewn to the highest standards,” said Solomon, “and each item will be expandable by employing quick-release fabric looseners and through the extensive incorporation of NASA-grade elastics. Neckties large enough to accommodate Mr. Limbaugh’s 32-inch neck will be a challenge, but we expect to subcontract them to an area upholsterer.”
To offset the cost of the suits especially, Limbaugh is expected to sell advertizing space on his outer garments. Two companies in particular have shown interest and include Häagen-Dazs and Burger King. At a joint news conference, company representatives agreed that both have done for Limbaugh what they hope to do for America.