Tuesday, December 31, 2013

President Obama to Reinvent the Wheel

Prototypes of new wheel designs

By Bill Britton

Special to TPN — After the resounding success of the Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare), President Obama has decided to launch a new effort to reinvent the wheel. Leading this initiative will be former U.S. President Jimmy Carter, best known for having put Skippy Peanut Butter on the menu for all state dinners.

The announcement came during a routine news conference, when the President emphasized that “The Chinese have been active in this area for several years. We don’t want America to fall victim to a wheel gap, similar to the missile gap that surfaced during the Cold War.” When Chuck Todd of NBC News reminded the President that the missile gap was essentially illusory, the President shot back, “That’s ancient history. Even Senator Ted Cruz has stated that roundness is not the ultimate answer to wheel shape. His subcommittee is to hold hearings on the issue beginning next week.”

Former President Carter will be leaving his post as Honorary Chairman of the International UFO Bureau in Dallas, Texas. “My work here is done,” said Carter. “I’ll be giving a speech at the Roswell UFO Museum, then it’s off to Washington to solve the mysteries of wheel shape. I’ve been around long enough to know that there are no final answers, except for the wisdom derived from that wheel-shaper in the sky, Great God Almighty Himself, or Herself, Itself, or Whatever.”

In related news, Russian researchers are rumored to have found an alternative to “roundness” for wheel shape. Russian president Vladimir Putin will announce the researchers’ findings after the grand opening of the Gulag Workers Resort in northern Siberia but before the Sochi Winter Olympics begin in February. Putin is training for judo competition in the 2016 Olympics in Brazil, where he hopes to extend his record to more than 3,000 wins.

Monday, December 30, 2013

Chewing Gum: The New Pavement Protector

Park Avenue at 43rd Street in NYC
By Bill Britton

Special to TPN — Constance Masticar, of the International Chewing Gum association, released data that offered hope for the world’s deteriorating infrastructure: “Chewing gum has been building up on the world’s paved surfaces since it was first used 9,000 years ago. Total consumption reached 100,000 tons in 2013, according to Wrigley research.”

The impact on paved surfaces is dramatic. In New York City, for example, the one-inch black splotches seen on the city’s sidewalks are “merging together and protecting the concrete from the ravages of weather and ice-melting compounds, in particular,” said former mayor Michael Bloomberg, now heading up the Department of Sanitation.

The preferred flavor of most masticators, spearmint, is also favored by the city’s residents. “It adds a minty aroma to the city’s streets,” according to Park Avenue shopper Spittle Patel, a recent immigrant from Pakistan. “In Lahore, it’s all odors of arm pits and fish curry. You can’t even watch a Lollywood film without being assaulted by the smells. At least you can shoot the terrorists.”

The $19 billion gum industry is attracting investors the world over. Abel Chompowitz of Zinger Partners sees a definite synergy between chewing gum and high tech: “Chewing and smartphone thumbing are habits in common. Apple has already begun production of iPhones with plastic cases that give off gum scents. The first model names are the iPhone Spearmint and the iPhone Juicy Fruit.”

In related news, the American Chiropractic Association has warned raised concerns about excessive chewing and thumbing, both of which can lead to repetitive injuries. “We’ve had reports of patients with both problems. Therapy includes a liquid diet for the compulsive chewers, and voice communication lessons for the thumbers,” said ACA spokesperson Ossie Articulacion.

Revised MacDonald's Employee Budget

Recently, MacDonald's came under fire for its suggested employee budget, which listed a second job for a single person to stay above the poverty line. I sent MacD's my revision, which, by adding a third job and the sale of 1 gram of crack cocaine each month, would move employees out of the bottom 5 percent.