Supreme Court Justice Scalia Expands SCROTUM
By Bill Britton
Special to TP News — Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has decided to expand his fraternal organization, SCROTUM (Supreme Court Republican Organization to Uncover Moderates). SCROTUM was established by Scalia in 2011 to aid in the fight against liberals and progressives, who often disguise themselves as “moderates.”
Founding members included the other four conservative members of the court, but after Chief Justice John Roberts betrayed his blood oath by affirming the constitutionality of “Obamacare,” he was removed from the SCROTUM roster. Said Roberts, “I don’t believe I should be penalized by SCROTUM. After all, I did lead the effort in the transformation of corporations into people.”
Representatives Bill Johnson (R-OH) and Billy Long (R-MO) have been nominated for SCROTUM membership. Tea Party poster-boy Long recently scolded “good government types” who criticized his four-day junket to the Wynn Casino in Las Vegas paid for by the Consumer Electronics Association. “My experience as an auctioneer in Missouri made me uniquely qualified to evaluate technology. That outfit Apple might have a future.”
Johnson outlined his approach to the legislative process in an interview today: “If Obama's for it, I’m against it. If someone says it's good for the environment, I'll oppose it. If it's a tax, I hate it. If it's a regulation, I don't want it. If it has anything to do with the military, I’m for it. Other countries and religions are bad. The U.N. is worse. The only good government is dead government.” He then doffed a white hood and drove off in a BMW escorted by a contingent of bodyguards dressed in brown shirts.
Justice Scalia announced that the annual SCROTUM Ball will take place at the Watergate Hotel in honor of the late Richard Nixon, the unfairly maligned 37th President of the United States. “Big Dick, as we like to call him, would have been close to SCROTUM had he lived. If he’d only been a Catholic,” Scalia said tearfully.