Pat Robertson: God’s Will Has Been Done

Pat Robertson: God’s Will Has Been Done

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Excited by Republican/Tea Party wins in Tuesday’s midterm elections, televangelist Pat Robertson has decided to expand 700 Club membership by offering free tickets on the Rapture Express. The Rapture Express is similar in design to Noah’s Ark, but instead of animal stalls, the vessel is outfitted with luxury staterooms.

Guest host Terry Meeuwsen is in charge of the overall decorating scheme and has promised “a tasteful combination of scenes from Mel Gibson’s ‘The Passion of the Christ,’ which depicts the final hours of our Lord’s agony on the Cross.” The Rapture Express will incorporate a window in the bottom of the hull through which the saved can view those Left Behind.

Membership in the 700 Club starts at $250 per year. Upgrades on the Rapture Express include several penthouses being offered at the discounted price of $9,000. Checks should be made out to P. Robertson and addressed to Acct. 42-8996-37, CH-8098 Zurich (Switzerland).

Robertson talked to Jesus recently who assured him that his Second Coming was imminent: “But before I return, I must get the nasty business of the Tribulation out of the way, those seven years where anyone who chooses not to follow me before the Rapture will experience disaster, pain, and suffering, which will wipe out 75% of all life on the earth. Sort of like the Inquisition, but a hell of a lot worse.”

First responders to this offer include several prominent names in the Tea Party movement: Sarah Palin, Delaware’s Christine O'Donnell, South Carolina’s Jim DeMint, and Nevada’s Sharron Angle. Ms. O’Donnell is a recently reformed witch who has pledged that her “coven will be given over to the Lord, despite the fact that He screwed me out of the Senate seat in Delaware.”