Chinese Drywall Linked to both Global Warming and Infertility
By Bill Britton
Chinese drywall manufactured by Knauf Plasterboard in China and exported to the U.S. from 2001 to 2007 has been linked to both global warming and infertility. Earlier complaints included headaches and the corrosion of electrical wiring and plumbing pipes in homes.
As a practical joke, Knauf, from its headquarters in Germany, posted this statement on its website: “Constant improvement is a permanent objective of our company. The basic prerequisite for this is a strong quality management system.” Managing partner Nikolaus Knauf said that he “felt a lighter note was needed to ease homeowner stress.”
Regarding the global warming issue, Knauf believes this will help reduce overhead: “Now that the Arctic region has become ice-free in the warmer months, we’ll be able to reduce shipping mileage to the U.S. by as much as 10,000 nautical miles.”
In a more recent finding, Saprolegnia ferax, a pathogen, has been found in Chinese drywall. This pathogen leads to the “Ambrose Effect” and has been linked to infertility in amphibians. It was first identified by Otto Ambrose, a known Nazi chemist and director of the I.G. Farben Company, which supplied gasoline for Hitler's war effort.
Farben began producing S. ferax in large quantities with plans to release it during bombing attacks over regions harboring large Jewish populations—like New York’s Crown Heights—toward the end of World War II. Those plans were derailed once Hitler found out that his Minister of War Production, Albert Speer, had been producing imaginary Luftwaffe bombers for 18 months.
Suspicions are high that the Chinese government has similar plans for population control, ever since Chinese President Hu Jintao said to President Obama during his recent visit, “We Chinee have rearn many resson, rike how to eriminate poverty, but we can’t seem to rower Chinee ribido.”
Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Obama Accepts Peace Prize in Oslo
Obama Accepts Peace Prize in Oslo
By Bill Britton
OSLO, NORWAY (December 10, 2009) — Today President Obama, our most prominent immigrant from Hawaii, accepted the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize amid some controversy. The Peace Prize is awarded each year to the world figure who can best hide his real intentions from the Nobel committee. The inventor of dynamite and creator of the awards, Alfred Nobel, would be especially pleased by this year’s selection.
The committee consists of five members—Thorbjørn Jagland, Kaci Kullmann Five, Sissel Marie Rønbeck, Inger-Marie Ytterhorn, and Ågot Valle—all of whom are, coincidentally, charter members of Oslo’s Dum Navnet Klubben (Silly Name Club). A delicious lunch was served by IKEA personnel under the watchful eye of founder Ingvar Kamprad, current president of Dum Navnet Klubben. Mr. Obama was asked by Kamprad to be an honorary member of the club.
After the ceremony, attendees were treated to a live demonstration by American mercenaries from Blackwater USA. Especially impressive was the shattering of a huge iceberg by a GBU-28 bunker buster. This was followed by a series of napalm strikes that crisscrossed a nearby fjord in the flag colors of the United States and Norway—red, white, and blue—to the accompaniment of Edvard Grieg’s “In the Hall of the Mountain King.”
During his acceptance speech, Mr. Obama said that the war in Iraq was “just a war,” but then corrected himself by saying it was “a just war.” He closed his speech with this call to action: “Let us reach for our guns when need be and ignite the passions of the crusader that still stirs within each of our souls.” Marwan Bishara, Al Jazeera's senior political analyst, responded by saying, “Holy Allah! Next thing they’ll be Knights Templar knocking on my mosque’s door.”
By Bill Britton
OSLO, NORWAY (December 10, 2009) — Today President Obama, our most prominent immigrant from Hawaii, accepted the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize amid some controversy. The Peace Prize is awarded each year to the world figure who can best hide his real intentions from the Nobel committee. The inventor of dynamite and creator of the awards, Alfred Nobel, would be especially pleased by this year’s selection.
The committee consists of five members—Thorbjørn Jagland, Kaci Kullmann Five, Sissel Marie Rønbeck, Inger-Marie Ytterhorn, and Ågot Valle—all of whom are, coincidentally, charter members of Oslo’s Dum Navnet Klubben (Silly Name Club). A delicious lunch was served by IKEA personnel under the watchful eye of founder Ingvar Kamprad, current president of Dum Navnet Klubben. Mr. Obama was asked by Kamprad to be an honorary member of the club.
After the ceremony, attendees were treated to a live demonstration by American mercenaries from Blackwater USA. Especially impressive was the shattering of a huge iceberg by a GBU-28 bunker buster. This was followed by a series of napalm strikes that crisscrossed a nearby fjord in the flag colors of the United States and Norway—red, white, and blue—to the accompaniment of Edvard Grieg’s “In the Hall of the Mountain King.”
During his acceptance speech, Mr. Obama said that the war in Iraq was “just a war,” but then corrected himself by saying it was “a just war.” He closed his speech with this call to action: “Let us reach for our guns when need be and ignite the passions of the crusader that still stirs within each of our souls.” Marwan Bishara, Al Jazeera's senior political analyst, responded by saying, “Holy Allah! Next thing they’ll be Knights Templar knocking on my mosque’s door.”
Friday, November 13, 2009
National Duct Tape Council Praises Bush
National Duct Tape Council Praises Bush
By Bill Britton
The normally apolitical National Duct Tape Council has issued a statement in support of former President Bush’s call to invade Canada. Chairman Herb Rimple explained the council’s reasoning at a televised news conference held in Crawford, Texas: “We at the council believe that President Bush is showing the way to a more secure nation. Duct tape has long been known as the ‘handyman’s secret weapon.’ Now its importance is being kicked up a notch with the council’s fresh slogan, ‘Duct Tape—America’s New Defense.’”
Bush turned aside reporters’ questions regarding Rimple’s possible appointment as Republican National Chairperson to replace Michael Steele. “Mr. Rimple’s leadership in the demanding field of duct tape development certainly qualifies him to be head of this organization. However, Mike Steele has done much to allay concerns that the word ‘compassionate’ has been taken out of the word ‘conservative.’ The party’s luncheon for street people in Washington is testimony to this.” (All were given empty Frigidaire cartons personally initialed by the former president.)
As anticipated, the National Duct Tape Council will soon be merging with the United Drop Cloth Association. The natural synergy of this union has been boosted by the logic of encouraging Americans to seal off a “clean room” in their homes that would keep them safe in the event of a chemical or biological attack.
Chairman George W. Buckley of the 3M Company joined Rimple with a pledge to “ramp up production so that no American will go tapeless.” To symbolize their commitment, Rimple and Buckley met with Tom Silva of TV’s award-winning program, This Old House, and announced that Silva will host a special edition of the program to be called, “Taping the Lincoln Bedroom—The First Family’s Clean Room,” which will feature President Obama as “First Taper.”
By Bill Britton
The normally apolitical National Duct Tape Council has issued a statement in support of former President Bush’s call to invade Canada. Chairman Herb Rimple explained the council’s reasoning at a televised news conference held in Crawford, Texas: “We at the council believe that President Bush is showing the way to a more secure nation. Duct tape has long been known as the ‘handyman’s secret weapon.’ Now its importance is being kicked up a notch with the council’s fresh slogan, ‘Duct Tape—America’s New Defense.’”
Bush turned aside reporters’ questions regarding Rimple’s possible appointment as Republican National Chairperson to replace Michael Steele. “Mr. Rimple’s leadership in the demanding field of duct tape development certainly qualifies him to be head of this organization. However, Mike Steele has done much to allay concerns that the word ‘compassionate’ has been taken out of the word ‘conservative.’ The party’s luncheon for street people in Washington is testimony to this.” (All were given empty Frigidaire cartons personally initialed by the former president.)
As anticipated, the National Duct Tape Council will soon be merging with the United Drop Cloth Association. The natural synergy of this union has been boosted by the logic of encouraging Americans to seal off a “clean room” in their homes that would keep them safe in the event of a chemical or biological attack.
Chairman George W. Buckley of the 3M Company joined Rimple with a pledge to “ramp up production so that no American will go tapeless.” To symbolize their commitment, Rimple and Buckley met with Tom Silva of TV’s award-winning program, This Old House, and announced that Silva will host a special edition of the program to be called, “Taping the Lincoln Bedroom—The First Family’s Clean Room,” which will feature President Obama as “First Taper.”
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The Real Reason Dobbs Dumped CNN
The Real Reason Dobbs Dumped CNN
By Bill Britton
Atlanta — Lou Dobbs, mired in controversy because of his opinion-laden commentary, abruptly resigned from CNN. A spokesperson for the Hispanic community in Miami, Grito N. Altavoz, said, “Good riddance to that gringo maricón. He want to send my 29 cousins back to Cuba.”
Rumor has it that Dobbs will take up the reins at AARP (American Association of Recalcitrant Pundits), a subsidiary of Fox News. Dobbs has vowed to “reinvigorate what has historically been Fox’s mission: to throw objectivity to the winds and instill a sense of self-righteousness in dumb America, my America.” Dobbs plans to maintain those invectives he levels against illegal immigrants and has put forward a plan to deal with, as he calls it, the “chili menace.”
First, he would like to see the establishment of an internment camp in Brightmoor, the poorest neighborhood in Detroit. “Brightmoor is a natural,” said Dobbs. “Plenty of abandoned homes. From there, they can board ships, sail across Lake Erie to Buffalo, and, via the canal system, down to New York Harbor, where they can be sent to where they’re more welcome. Chile, for example, a ‘Chilis-to-Chile Program,’ so to speak.”
To replace the crop pickers and house cleaners lost to deportation, Dobbs envisions the creation of an agency similar to Roosevelt’s CCC (Civilian Conservation Corps) set up during the Great Depression. “What young man wouldn’t like to trade in his Nintendo for a pick and shovel and all that fresh air? What young woman wouldn’t want to work in the home of a Wall Street broker or bank executive, all dying to pay cash for a little on the side?—Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale with benefits. We could rechristen the CCC as the Civilian Conservative’s Corps, complete with brown shirts and hobnail boots.”
By Bill Britton
Atlanta — Lou Dobbs, mired in controversy because of his opinion-laden commentary, abruptly resigned from CNN. A spokesperson for the Hispanic community in Miami, Grito N. Altavoz, said, “Good riddance to that gringo maricón. He want to send my 29 cousins back to Cuba.”
Rumor has it that Dobbs will take up the reins at AARP (American Association of Recalcitrant Pundits), a subsidiary of Fox News. Dobbs has vowed to “reinvigorate what has historically been Fox’s mission: to throw objectivity to the winds and instill a sense of self-righteousness in dumb America, my America.” Dobbs plans to maintain those invectives he levels against illegal immigrants and has put forward a plan to deal with, as he calls it, the “chili menace.”
First, he would like to see the establishment of an internment camp in Brightmoor, the poorest neighborhood in Detroit. “Brightmoor is a natural,” said Dobbs. “Plenty of abandoned homes. From there, they can board ships, sail across Lake Erie to Buffalo, and, via the canal system, down to New York Harbor, where they can be sent to where they’re more welcome. Chile, for example, a ‘Chilis-to-Chile Program,’ so to speak.”
To replace the crop pickers and house cleaners lost to deportation, Dobbs envisions the creation of an agency similar to Roosevelt’s CCC (Civilian Conservation Corps) set up during the Great Depression. “What young man wouldn’t like to trade in his Nintendo for a pick and shovel and all that fresh air? What young woman wouldn’t want to work in the home of a Wall Street broker or bank executive, all dying to pay cash for a little on the side?—Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale with benefits. We could rechristen the CCC as the Civilian Conservative’s Corps, complete with brown shirts and hobnail boots.”
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Anh Cao Drummed Out of Republican Party
Anh Cao Drummed Out of Republican Party
by Bill Britton, November 8, 2009
Washington — Representative Anh Cao of Louisiana, the only Republican to vote in favor of the health-care measure passed last night by the lower house, was formally drummed out of the party on Sunday morning. The formal ceremony was led by House minority whip Eric Cantor (R–VA). Cantor’s whip is similar to those once used by first mates on the Royal Navy’s sailing ships and are commonly called “cat-o’-nine-tails.”
In attendance, and adding a pleasant note to the proceedings, was the American Nazi Party’s Drum-and-Bugle Corps, which played “Whip It,” written by Jerry Casale and Mark Mothersbaugh, better known as the singing duo, Devo. In the background, Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) could be heard chanting, “Kill the bill, kill the bill.” Bachmann has been shouting her mantra since Thursday when she organized a large protest on Capitol Hill.
Blue Dog Democrat Bill Foster of Illinois expressed concern that Bachmann might now be rabid. “She certainly was frothing at the mouth earlier. I’m afraid that she might associate my first name with the word 'bill' as it relates to health care. After all, she is known to bite.”
President Obama called on the Democratic caucus before the House vote and urged its members to vote for the bill. Apparently this strategy worked when coupled with the well-known fact that House majority whip, James Clyburn (D–SC), keeps a cat-o’-twelve-tails in his desk.
Key to passage of the bill was an amendment to prohibit federal funds from being used to pay for abortions. Representative Jack Kingston (R–GA) said, “Abortions are in violation of God’s law. That Great Satan, your president, has done his best to move abortions out of alleyways where they belong. I’ve dedicated my 17 years in Congress to keeping them there.”
by Bill Britton, November 8, 2009
Washington — Representative Anh Cao of Louisiana, the only Republican to vote in favor of the health-care measure passed last night by the lower house, was formally drummed out of the party on Sunday morning. The formal ceremony was led by House minority whip Eric Cantor (R–VA). Cantor’s whip is similar to those once used by first mates on the Royal Navy’s sailing ships and are commonly called “cat-o’-nine-tails.”
In attendance, and adding a pleasant note to the proceedings, was the American Nazi Party’s Drum-and-Bugle Corps, which played “Whip It,” written by Jerry Casale and Mark Mothersbaugh, better known as the singing duo, Devo. In the background, Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) could be heard chanting, “Kill the bill, kill the bill.” Bachmann has been shouting her mantra since Thursday when she organized a large protest on Capitol Hill.
Blue Dog Democrat Bill Foster of Illinois expressed concern that Bachmann might now be rabid. “She certainly was frothing at the mouth earlier. I’m afraid that she might associate my first name with the word 'bill' as it relates to health care. After all, she is known to bite.”
President Obama called on the Democratic caucus before the House vote and urged its members to vote for the bill. Apparently this strategy worked when coupled with the well-known fact that House majority whip, James Clyburn (D–SC), keeps a cat-o’-twelve-tails in his desk.
Key to passage of the bill was an amendment to prohibit federal funds from being used to pay for abortions. Representative Jack Kingston (R–GA) said, “Abortions are in violation of God’s law. That Great Satan, your president, has done his best to move abortions out of alleyways where they belong. I’ve dedicated my 17 years in Congress to keeping them there.”
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Murdoch / O’Reilly Nuptials Set
Murdoch / O’Reilly Nuptials Set
By Bill Britton
New York — following six months of rumor, media mogul Rupert Murdoch and Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly announced wedding plans during a joint news conference. “We’re a natural fit,” said Murdoch. “And for those of you who seem somewhat aghast at this, there have been stranger bedfellows. Look at Barney Frank and his, um, ‘spouse,’ Fannie Mae executive Herb Moses.”
This will be Murdoch’s fourth marriage. His current wife, Wendi Deng, a director for MySpace in China, was less sanguine: “If Rupert wants to switch from Szechuan dining to street hotdogs, that’s his business, as long as he makes good on our pre-nup agreement.”
O’Reilly said he was “. . . floating on cloud-nine. Ever since I began working at Fox, I could sense a chemistry between Murdy and me, something beyond the fact that we both drench ourselves with Old Spice Body Spray. And, just to prove the point that old dogs can learn new tricks, on our wedding night we plan to switch from the ‘Swagger’ fragrance to ‘After Hours.’”
In an admission that his coming out registered more than a hint of irony with his viewers, O’Reilly said, “Over the last few months, I’ve conducted a dialogue with my inner being and come to recognize the plight of the—quote—‘other’ in American society, the minorities that make this country great. I’d even go to the White House and break bread with that colored boy, our President, as long as he doesn’t serve collard greens and chittlins.”
In the rear of the conference room, Sean Hannity, O’Reilly’s rival at Fox News, was seen in tears. “I thought Bill-O only had eyes for me. But I knew we were through when he refused to share his cherry wine cooler last week. And to add insult to injury, Rosie O’Donnell wants her leathers back.”
By Bill Britton
New York — following six months of rumor, media mogul Rupert Murdoch and Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly announced wedding plans during a joint news conference. “We’re a natural fit,” said Murdoch. “And for those of you who seem somewhat aghast at this, there have been stranger bedfellows. Look at Barney Frank and his, um, ‘spouse,’ Fannie Mae executive Herb Moses.”
This will be Murdoch’s fourth marriage. His current wife, Wendi Deng, a director for MySpace in China, was less sanguine: “If Rupert wants to switch from Szechuan dining to street hotdogs, that’s his business, as long as he makes good on our pre-nup agreement.”
O’Reilly said he was “. . . floating on cloud-nine. Ever since I began working at Fox, I could sense a chemistry between Murdy and me, something beyond the fact that we both drench ourselves with Old Spice Body Spray. And, just to prove the point that old dogs can learn new tricks, on our wedding night we plan to switch from the ‘Swagger’ fragrance to ‘After Hours.’”
In an admission that his coming out registered more than a hint of irony with his viewers, O’Reilly said, “Over the last few months, I’ve conducted a dialogue with my inner being and come to recognize the plight of the—quote—‘other’ in American society, the minorities that make this country great. I’d even go to the White House and break bread with that colored boy, our President, as long as he doesn’t serve collard greens and chittlins.”
In the rear of the conference room, Sean Hannity, O’Reilly’s rival at Fox News, was seen in tears. “I thought Bill-O only had eyes for me. But I knew we were through when he refused to share his cherry wine cooler last week. And to add insult to injury, Rosie O’Donnell wants her leathers back.”
Friday, October 16, 2009
All Nippon to Pinch Onboard Output
All Nippon to Pinch Onboard Output
By Bill Britton
Japanese carrier All Nippon Airways (ANA) is asking passengers to relieve themselves before boarding its aircraft to reduce weight and thus lower fuel consumption. “A typical human bladder holds up to a liter of liquid and weighs 2.2 pounds,” said CEO Mineo Yamamoto. “Since a Boeing 777 holds 247 people, this would mean a weight savings of 550 pounds per flight and thus reduce carbon emissions by 4.2 tons per month, system-wide.”
ANA is in the process of installing advanced relief stations made by ARS, Ltd. at each of its boarding stations. A urine gauge will indicate the total weight savings for each flight. Those passengers refusing to comply will pay a 5-percent ticket surcharge. To further encourage participation, compliant passengers will be given a free bag of Pee-Nuts®, ANA’s way of saying, “Thank you.”
Part of ANA’s campaign to publicize this “green” initiative will include free samples of WaterDump®, a diuretic used to increase urinary output. Because liquid refreshments will no longer be offered on ANA flights of fewer than 6 hours, flight attendants will distribute mouth swabs similar to those used in hospitals. “We are also considering giving passengers a box of Altoids to ease their thirst,” said ANA PR head Damion Martin. ANA’s bathrooms will also be smartcard-operated in future, with a flush charge of 50 cents per 100 milliliters.
President Halten Siewasser of PAUL (Protesters Against Urinary Limits) plans to organize a boycott of ANA and offered this observation: “The danger is that ANA’s initiative might spill over into other modes of transportation. I believe a congressional investigation is in order, starting with Halliburton’s recent purchase of the Porta-Potti company. Besides, who’s going to pee a liter? A sumo wrestler?”
By Bill Britton
Japanese carrier All Nippon Airways (ANA) is asking passengers to relieve themselves before boarding its aircraft to reduce weight and thus lower fuel consumption. “A typical human bladder holds up to a liter of liquid and weighs 2.2 pounds,” said CEO Mineo Yamamoto. “Since a Boeing 777 holds 247 people, this would mean a weight savings of 550 pounds per flight and thus reduce carbon emissions by 4.2 tons per month, system-wide.”
ANA is in the process of installing advanced relief stations made by ARS, Ltd. at each of its boarding stations. A urine gauge will indicate the total weight savings for each flight. Those passengers refusing to comply will pay a 5-percent ticket surcharge. To further encourage participation, compliant passengers will be given a free bag of Pee-Nuts®, ANA’s way of saying, “Thank you.”
Part of ANA’s campaign to publicize this “green” initiative will include free samples of WaterDump®, a diuretic used to increase urinary output. Because liquid refreshments will no longer be offered on ANA flights of fewer than 6 hours, flight attendants will distribute mouth swabs similar to those used in hospitals. “We are also considering giving passengers a box of Altoids to ease their thirst,” said ANA PR head Damion Martin. ANA’s bathrooms will also be smartcard-operated in future, with a flush charge of 50 cents per 100 milliliters.
President Halten Siewasser of PAUL (Protesters Against Urinary Limits) plans to organize a boycott of ANA and offered this observation: “The danger is that ANA’s initiative might spill over into other modes of transportation. I believe a congressional investigation is in order, starting with Halliburton’s recent purchase of the Porta-Potti company. Besides, who’s going to pee a liter? A sumo wrestler?”
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Minnesotan Unaware of Jackson Death
Minnesotan Unaware of Jackson Death
By Bill Britton
Minneapolis, MN (INS) Bleiben Dunkel of Minnesota acknowledged today that he is unfamiliar with late entertainer, Michael Jackson. Contacted at his home in the remote village of Waskish, Dunkel said that his TV screen went blank on June 12. When told that he needed a converter box to receive the new digital TV signals, Dunkel said, “Gott im Himmel. Ist nasty Commie plot!
Dunkel drew national attention after being identified as the only person in America who was not tuned in to the Jackson funeral held at the Staples Center. News reader Wolf Blitzer of CNN encapsulated media astonishment by saying, “The greater question is whether Dunkel should be allowed to continue on this reckless path. Without the complete participation of the public, advertising dollars will suffer along with my income. I’ll no longer be able to afford $300 beard trims.” Jack Cafferty, as part of his Cafferty File segment, released a poll that indicated unanimous disapproval of Dunkel’s behavior.
Taken aboard a CNN van and shown a video from “Thriller,” Jackson’s hugely popular studio album, as well as film clips from the funeral, Dunkel shouted, “Holy scheisse, dot guy scares me like a rotten bratwurst. He ist a man, right? Bitte, bitte, stoppen die music! Und who is die blondie you show mit die almost black guy? Elizabeth Taylor? She’s been trinken too much Jagermeister.”
In Washington, Senator Roland Burris (D-IL) sponsored a bill to allow the FBI to investigate Dunkel’s un-American activity. “My brother Michael’s memory should not be sullied by some white honky’s indifference to the sensitivities of the black community,” he said. “After all, without the musicological direction taken by Michael, we’d still be listening to the likes of the Grateful Dead, a band that has less soul than dry wall.”
By Bill Britton
Minneapolis, MN (INS) Bleiben Dunkel of Minnesota acknowledged today that he is unfamiliar with late entertainer, Michael Jackson. Contacted at his home in the remote village of Waskish, Dunkel said that his TV screen went blank on June 12. When told that he needed a converter box to receive the new digital TV signals, Dunkel said, “Gott im Himmel. Ist nasty Commie plot!
Dunkel drew national attention after being identified as the only person in America who was not tuned in to the Jackson funeral held at the Staples Center. News reader Wolf Blitzer of CNN encapsulated media astonishment by saying, “The greater question is whether Dunkel should be allowed to continue on this reckless path. Without the complete participation of the public, advertising dollars will suffer along with my income. I’ll no longer be able to afford $300 beard trims.” Jack Cafferty, as part of his Cafferty File segment, released a poll that indicated unanimous disapproval of Dunkel’s behavior.
Taken aboard a CNN van and shown a video from “Thriller,” Jackson’s hugely popular studio album, as well as film clips from the funeral, Dunkel shouted, “Holy scheisse, dot guy scares me like a rotten bratwurst. He ist a man, right? Bitte, bitte, stoppen die music! Und who is die blondie you show mit die almost black guy? Elizabeth Taylor? She’s been trinken too much Jagermeister.”
In Washington, Senator Roland Burris (D-IL) sponsored a bill to allow the FBI to investigate Dunkel’s un-American activity. “My brother Michael’s memory should not be sullied by some white honky’s indifference to the sensitivities of the black community,” he said. “After all, without the musicological direction taken by Michael, we’d still be listening to the likes of the Grateful Dead, a band that has less soul than dry wall.”
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Bernanke Recommends Increasing Retirement Age to 108
Bernanke Recommends Increasing Retirement Age to 108
by Bill Britton
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Wednesday, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said Congress should rein in future Social Security and Medicare costs by raising the retirement age to 108. The Fed chief's comments stirred political ripples, with Senator John Kerry (D-MA) saying he would favor sending members of Congress, who vote in favor of reduced benefits, to Guantanamo Bay’s terrorist resort where they could live out their Golden Years. Other Capitol Hill Democrats said the previous administration’s tax cuts were to blame, although they admitted to benefitting from them.
President Obama said he would safeguard those at or near retirement, in particular Vice President Biden, something that former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan suggested as well. Urging swift action on the spiraling budget deficit, forecast to hit a record $482 billion this year, Greenspan told the House of Representatives Budget Committee that spending restraints were the best way to meet future commitments, rather than raising taxes on millionaires and endangering their children’s inheritance: “The exact magnitude of said risk is very difficult to calculate, given the egregious duplicitousness of arbitrage compexities in the secondary market, but they are of enough alarm, in my judgment, to warrant closing the fiscal fissure primarily, if not wholly, by reducing benefits due the common Joe-the-Plumber, or Rosy-the-Riveter, or other marginally contributory fringe input to economic viability.”
In response to questions, Greenspan said failure to tackle looming budget shortfalls would push long-term interest rates higher—a potential constraint on the economy—and would jeopardize his personal fortune and thus annoy his wife, NBC correspondent Andrea Mitchell. He emphasized that “if Congress were to reduce social security benefits, it had better do so quickly to minimize the pain on voters near retirement. In this way, later retirees would have time to digest a smaller piece of the retirement pie as well as to cultivate a taste for Alpo.”
Obama warned of this looming budget crunch as tens of millions of baby boomers, born in the years after World War II, begin to qualify for early retirement benefits and look for ways to gas up their now-idle Hummers and SUVs. “This dramatic demographic change is certain to place enormous demands on our country's ability to maintain our national ethos of materialism unless action is taken,” he said. “For a variety of reasons, that action is better taken as soon as possible and should come out of the hides of the average Joe, or Rosy, or any other Fox News addict.”
Representative John Boehner (R-OH) said that “even with the so-called normal retirement age climbing to 80 or higher in the next two decades, the years people spend in retirement—sitting in web chairs, drinking six-packs of Bud, and dipping their Twinkies in guacamole—will increase, since Americans are living longer. In view of the upward ratcheting of government programs and the enormous uncertainty about the upper bounds of future demands for medical care, I believe that a thorough review of our commitment to allow old people to screw up their bodies is prudent in the long term.”
by Bill Britton
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Wednesday, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said Congress should rein in future Social Security and Medicare costs by raising the retirement age to 108. The Fed chief's comments stirred political ripples, with Senator John Kerry (D-MA) saying he would favor sending members of Congress, who vote in favor of reduced benefits, to Guantanamo Bay’s terrorist resort where they could live out their Golden Years. Other Capitol Hill Democrats said the previous administration’s tax cuts were to blame, although they admitted to benefitting from them.
President Obama said he would safeguard those at or near retirement, in particular Vice President Biden, something that former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan suggested as well. Urging swift action on the spiraling budget deficit, forecast to hit a record $482 billion this year, Greenspan told the House of Representatives Budget Committee that spending restraints were the best way to meet future commitments, rather than raising taxes on millionaires and endangering their children’s inheritance: “The exact magnitude of said risk is very difficult to calculate, given the egregious duplicitousness of arbitrage compexities in the secondary market, but they are of enough alarm, in my judgment, to warrant closing the fiscal fissure primarily, if not wholly, by reducing benefits due the common Joe-the-Plumber, or Rosy-the-Riveter, or other marginally contributory fringe input to economic viability.”
In response to questions, Greenspan said failure to tackle looming budget shortfalls would push long-term interest rates higher—a potential constraint on the economy—and would jeopardize his personal fortune and thus annoy his wife, NBC correspondent Andrea Mitchell. He emphasized that “if Congress were to reduce social security benefits, it had better do so quickly to minimize the pain on voters near retirement. In this way, later retirees would have time to digest a smaller piece of the retirement pie as well as to cultivate a taste for Alpo.”
Obama warned of this looming budget crunch as tens of millions of baby boomers, born in the years after World War II, begin to qualify for early retirement benefits and look for ways to gas up their now-idle Hummers and SUVs. “This dramatic demographic change is certain to place enormous demands on our country's ability to maintain our national ethos of materialism unless action is taken,” he said. “For a variety of reasons, that action is better taken as soon as possible and should come out of the hides of the average Joe, or Rosy, or any other Fox News addict.”
Representative John Boehner (R-OH) said that “even with the so-called normal retirement age climbing to 80 or higher in the next two decades, the years people spend in retirement—sitting in web chairs, drinking six-packs of Bud, and dipping their Twinkies in guacamole—will increase, since Americans are living longer. In view of the upward ratcheting of government programs and the enormous uncertainty about the upper bounds of future demands for medical care, I believe that a thorough review of our commitment to allow old people to screw up their bodies is prudent in the long term.”
Friday, August 14, 2009
Republicans Tout Healthcare Plan
Republicans Tout Healthcare Plan
by Bill Britton
House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio today announced his party’s plan for sweeping healthcare reform. “It’s a no-brainer,” said Boehner. “It takes the best parts found in the Democrats’ plan and weds them to ours. This will put to rest all those claims that Republicans cannot work with Democrats.” Senator Charles Grassley (R-IA) echoed similar sentiments when he said that “Grandmas around the country need not fear us pulling the plug on them. We’ll let them dribble away on life support for as long as it takes to get me reelected. This includes all the grandpas like me in the Senate who have been comatose for decades.”
The plan is national in scope, as demanded by Democrats, and calls for the elimination of all healthcare insurance coverage for households earning less than $250,000 per year, as favored by Republicans. Those making more than this ceiling will have the option of retaining their coverage and will receive a tax rebate of 150% of their premium costs to offset the obvious hardship. Members of Congress will continue to be covered by their government plan, and the limit on direct campaign contributions will be raised to $100,000 per donor to ensure that special interests like insurance companies are protected.
Those making less than $250,000 per year will have their medical needs attended to by the existing network of emergency rooms found in hospitals around the country. These facilities will be available to American citizens of Christian birth only. Funding for this care will come from reduced social security payments, which “ensures that the effect on the budget will be a zero-sum game, so to speak,” said Boehner. Illegal aliens and non-Christians will be cared for in an abandoned Ace Hardware store in northern Montana that has been converted to a clinic staffed by medical students from Grenada, a “vital ally in our war on terrorism,” as described by Senator John McCain (R-AZ).
When asked if Jewish doctors will be qualified to practice medicine in the emergency-room network, Boehner replied, “If these facilities cannot hire enough Indian or Pakistani MDs, of course they’ll be allowed to practice. After all, ID [Intelligent Design] has blessed them with the skills necessary to care for us goyim, as the Hebes like to say, although I think He should have paid more attention to the finer details. What’s with the foreskin anyway? Or with wisdom teeth?”
by Bill Britton
House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio today announced his party’s plan for sweeping healthcare reform. “It’s a no-brainer,” said Boehner. “It takes the best parts found in the Democrats’ plan and weds them to ours. This will put to rest all those claims that Republicans cannot work with Democrats.” Senator Charles Grassley (R-IA) echoed similar sentiments when he said that “Grandmas around the country need not fear us pulling the plug on them. We’ll let them dribble away on life support for as long as it takes to get me reelected. This includes all the grandpas like me in the Senate who have been comatose for decades.”
The plan is national in scope, as demanded by Democrats, and calls for the elimination of all healthcare insurance coverage for households earning less than $250,000 per year, as favored by Republicans. Those making more than this ceiling will have the option of retaining their coverage and will receive a tax rebate of 150% of their premium costs to offset the obvious hardship. Members of Congress will continue to be covered by their government plan, and the limit on direct campaign contributions will be raised to $100,000 per donor to ensure that special interests like insurance companies are protected.
Those making less than $250,000 per year will have their medical needs attended to by the existing network of emergency rooms found in hospitals around the country. These facilities will be available to American citizens of Christian birth only. Funding for this care will come from reduced social security payments, which “ensures that the effect on the budget will be a zero-sum game, so to speak,” said Boehner. Illegal aliens and non-Christians will be cared for in an abandoned Ace Hardware store in northern Montana that has been converted to a clinic staffed by medical students from Grenada, a “vital ally in our war on terrorism,” as described by Senator John McCain (R-AZ).
When asked if Jewish doctors will be qualified to practice medicine in the emergency-room network, Boehner replied, “If these facilities cannot hire enough Indian or Pakistani MDs, of course they’ll be allowed to practice. After all, ID [Intelligent Design] has blessed them with the skills necessary to care for us goyim, as the Hebes like to say, although I think He should have paid more attention to the finer details. What’s with the foreskin anyway? Or with wisdom teeth?”
Monday, July 6, 2009
Palin to Become Rhodes Scholar
Palin to Become Rhodes Scholar
by Bill Britton
In a surprising development, Sarah Palin’s decision to quit the governorship of Alaska has been tied to her acceptance of a Rhodes scholarship to Oxford University. The Right Honorable Lord Patten of Barnes, chancellor of Oxford, released a prepared statement in which he praised “Governor Palin’s broad knowledge of world affairs” and her “deep understanding of environmental issues.”
Professor Sally Shuttleworth, Dean of Humanities at Oxford, said that Palin has signed on to a rigorous schedule that will lead to a Ph.D. in General Linguistics and Comparative Philology. Asked about her decision not to pursue a course of study leading to a degree in law or politics, Palin said, “Heck, I don’t need to know any more about politics. I’m the new brand of politics. And law? There’s too much law in this country. Look how the law’s keeping oil money out of the pockets of folks who really need it.”
The governor elaborated on her degree choice, saying that “linguistics is something that will help me communicate with all those primitive folks in places like Russia, Brooklyn, and Mexico. Plus, maybe I’ll be able to understand those folks who writhe on the floor of my church, speaking in tongues. Darn it, that babbling is bad enough, but the snake handling gets on my nerves and is the reason I pack my Glock 9-millimeter every Sunday morning.”
In an interview late yesterday, a reporter asked Palin if it would be difficult to find time to study and still care for her family. “Doncha worry,” said Palin. “Todd, the First Dude, knows all about poopy diapers and math homework. I got him as well-trained as a sled dog. I yell ‘mush,’ and my little issorartuyok [lead dog] runs up to me dripping and whining.”
by Bill Britton
In a surprising development, Sarah Palin’s decision to quit the governorship of Alaska has been tied to her acceptance of a Rhodes scholarship to Oxford University. The Right Honorable Lord Patten of Barnes, chancellor of Oxford, released a prepared statement in which he praised “Governor Palin’s broad knowledge of world affairs” and her “deep understanding of environmental issues.”
Professor Sally Shuttleworth, Dean of Humanities at Oxford, said that Palin has signed on to a rigorous schedule that will lead to a Ph.D. in General Linguistics and Comparative Philology. Asked about her decision not to pursue a course of study leading to a degree in law or politics, Palin said, “Heck, I don’t need to know any more about politics. I’m the new brand of politics. And law? There’s too much law in this country. Look how the law’s keeping oil money out of the pockets of folks who really need it.”
The governor elaborated on her degree choice, saying that “linguistics is something that will help me communicate with all those primitive folks in places like Russia, Brooklyn, and Mexico. Plus, maybe I’ll be able to understand those folks who writhe on the floor of my church, speaking in tongues. Darn it, that babbling is bad enough, but the snake handling gets on my nerves and is the reason I pack my Glock 9-millimeter every Sunday morning.”
In an interview late yesterday, a reporter asked Palin if it would be difficult to find time to study and still care for her family. “Doncha worry,” said Palin. “Todd, the First Dude, knows all about poopy diapers and math homework. I got him as well-trained as a sled dog. I yell ‘mush,’ and my little issorartuyok [lead dog] runs up to me dripping and whining.”
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Argentina to Buy Section of Appalachian Trail
Argentina to Buy Section of Appalachian Trail
By Bill Britton
To accommodate its country’s avid hikers, Argentina has offered to buy part of the Appalachian Trail. During a press conference at Government House in Buenos Aires, President Cristina Fernandez, who met last week with South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, said: “The benefits for both countries are tremendous. On the one hand, people like Governor Sanford won’t have to escape to Argentina to pursue their active lifestyle. On the other hand, Argentine hikers will have a lovely tool to satisfy their hiking needs.”
Maria Belen Chapur, Sanford’s frequent hiking companion, was equally enthusiastic: “The governor’s schedule is very demanding, and after a day of hiking with me, he’s exhausted. By having part of the Appalachian Trail under Argentine sovereignty, I can come and go as I please. Plus, the governor won’t have to use his frequent-flyer mileage or taxpayer money to pursue his favorite hobby.”
Said the governor’s wife, Jenny, “He can hike all day, if he wants. I haven’t hiked with him for years, and don’t intend to. He’s admitted to having a bevy of hiking companions, which is OK, as long as I don’t have to wash his dirty shorts.”
Final details are yet to be worked out, but since none of the trail lies in South Carolina, the section from Ball Mountain to Greasy Mountain in Georgia is a likely candidate. “I get into Georgia to hike as often as I can,” said Sanford. “Some of my fondest memories are of slogging through the bush near Ball.”
By Bill Britton
To accommodate its country’s avid hikers, Argentina has offered to buy part of the Appalachian Trail. During a press conference at Government House in Buenos Aires, President Cristina Fernandez, who met last week with South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, said: “The benefits for both countries are tremendous. On the one hand, people like Governor Sanford won’t have to escape to Argentina to pursue their active lifestyle. On the other hand, Argentine hikers will have a lovely tool to satisfy their hiking needs.”
Maria Belen Chapur, Sanford’s frequent hiking companion, was equally enthusiastic: “The governor’s schedule is very demanding, and after a day of hiking with me, he’s exhausted. By having part of the Appalachian Trail under Argentine sovereignty, I can come and go as I please. Plus, the governor won’t have to use his frequent-flyer mileage or taxpayer money to pursue his favorite hobby.”
Said the governor’s wife, Jenny, “He can hike all day, if he wants. I haven’t hiked with him for years, and don’t intend to. He’s admitted to having a bevy of hiking companions, which is OK, as long as I don’t have to wash his dirty shorts.”
Final details are yet to be worked out, but since none of the trail lies in South Carolina, the section from Ball Mountain to Greasy Mountain in Georgia is a likely candidate. “I get into Georgia to hike as often as I can,” said Sanford. “Some of my fondest memories are of slogging through the bush near Ball.”
Monday, June 29, 2009
Shunning Salvation
Shunning Salvation
by Bill Britton
In Abram's streets and alleyways
his sons preach conflagration,
as mothers of these selfsame sons
shout cheers of adoration.
Flocks of faithful line a square
in rabid admiration,
drawn by the lure of papal love
and papal accusation.
Radios in Southern towns
eruct their allocation
of Bible lore and cures for souls
through cash remuneration.
Mosque, synagogue, and church demand
unwavering affirmation
of tales and lessons clerics mold
to suit a congregation.
Their ills of mind and mortal flesh
are rendered adulation
apropos of God's mysteries
and willful approbation.
Suffer the little children, He says,
and suffer the humiliation
of original sin's ancient decrees
and eternal castigation.
Believers shun those who sense
the twisted conjuration
of gods who martyr innocents
while granting dispensation.
Still, the Godhead myth persists unchecked
by thoughtful contemplation,
and like a virus lingers on
in every generation.
by Bill Britton
In Abram's streets and alleyways
his sons preach conflagration,
as mothers of these selfsame sons
shout cheers of adoration.
Flocks of faithful line a square
in rabid admiration,
drawn by the lure of papal love
and papal accusation.
Radios in Southern towns
eruct their allocation
of Bible lore and cures for souls
through cash remuneration.
Mosque, synagogue, and church demand
unwavering affirmation
of tales and lessons clerics mold
to suit a congregation.
Their ills of mind and mortal flesh
are rendered adulation
apropos of God's mysteries
and willful approbation.
Suffer the little children, He says,
and suffer the humiliation
of original sin's ancient decrees
and eternal castigation.
Believers shun those who sense
the twisted conjuration
of gods who martyr innocents
while granting dispensation.
Still, the Godhead myth persists unchecked
by thoughtful contemplation,
and like a virus lingers on
in every generation.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Walmart Announces New 3-Tier Pricing Strategy
Walmart Announces New 3-Tier Pricing Strategy
Strategy mimics earlier Sears’s effort
By Bill Britton
Lee Scott, Walmart President and CEO, unveiled an exciting new pricing strategy for its 6,100 stores around the world. Scott said his model is “based on a Sears strategy from years ago that segmented products into ‘Good,’ ‘Better,’ ‘Best’ categories.” To distinguish Walmart’s effort, their marketers have assigned these category names: “Shoddiest,” “Shoddier,” and “Shoddy.”
To further leverage Walmart’s position in the marketplace, the company will emphasize the “Shoddiest” category in its buying plans. “Walmart wants to be second to none in offering the lowest prices and poorest quality, always.” The word “Always” has become synonymous with the Walmart logo and is proudly displayed on its store fronts and trucks.
The Walmart announcement is apparently the cause of last week’s 400-plus-point drop in the U.S. stock market and the 9-percent drop in equities around the world. The managing director general of the Asian Development Bank, Rajat M. Nag, said that “the shift toward lower-priced merchandise at Walmart will certainly depress the long-term growth of the Chinese economy and at the same time rein in consumer spending in the U.S.”
Strategy mimics earlier Sears’s effort
By Bill Britton
Lee Scott, Walmart President and CEO, unveiled an exciting new pricing strategy for its 6,100 stores around the world. Scott said his model is “based on a Sears strategy from years ago that segmented products into ‘Good,’ ‘Better,’ ‘Best’ categories.” To distinguish Walmart’s effort, their marketers have assigned these category names: “Shoddiest,” “Shoddier,” and “Shoddy.”
To further leverage Walmart’s position in the marketplace, the company will emphasize the “Shoddiest” category in its buying plans. “Walmart wants to be second to none in offering the lowest prices and poorest quality, always.” The word “Always” has become synonymous with the Walmart logo and is proudly displayed on its store fronts and trucks.
The Walmart announcement is apparently the cause of last week’s 400-plus-point drop in the U.S. stock market and the 9-percent drop in equities around the world. The managing director general of the Asian Development Bank, Rajat M. Nag, said that “the shift toward lower-priced merchandise at Walmart will certainly depress the long-term growth of the Chinese economy and at the same time rein in consumer spending in the U.S.”
U.S. Mint to China
U.S. Mint to China
by Bill Britton
Washington, D.C. —This morning, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced that the U.S. Mint will be moved to the Wujiang Economic Development Zone in Jiangsu Province, China. The move had been expected because of the “exorbitant labor costs associated with its present locations in Denver and Philadelphia,” said Geithner. In honor of the move, a commemorative set of coins will be struck bearing the likenesses of Chinese president Hu Jintao on one side and a red panda (Ailurus fulgens fulgens), a native of southwest China, on the other.
To further reduce costs, Geithner said that, beginning January 2010, the current mix of metals used for coinage will be restricted to aluminum. “Aluminum will be much easier on the pockets and purses of Americans due to its lighter weight,” claims Edmund C. Moy, Director of the Mint. “Plus, we’ll be able to tap into the volume of beverage cans now littering the nation’s roadways for raw material.”
The Bureau of Engraving and Printing will remain in Washington, although several initiatives will reduce the cost of printing paper currency. Larry R. Felix, the bureau’s director, will phase out the printing of the “green” side of all bills. “The ink savings incurred will be substantial,” said Felix. “In addition, having a blank side will allow consumers to jot down shopping lists and other notes, although, sadly, the term ‘greenback’ will disappear from the English lexicon.”
As of January 2009, China held more than $700 billion in U.S. securities. “Having the U.S. Mint in China will facilitate the purchase of coinage,” asserted Geithner. “The People’s Bank of China has a branch office in Jiangsu, and we will be meeting with its representatives shortly at The Joy Luck Club in Nanjiing, along with Hong Kong actor Aaron Kwok, famous for his role in ‘After This Our Exile’ and now PR Director for People’s Bank.”
by Bill Britton
Washington, D.C. —This morning, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced that the U.S. Mint will be moved to the Wujiang Economic Development Zone in Jiangsu Province, China. The move had been expected because of the “exorbitant labor costs associated with its present locations in Denver and Philadelphia,” said Geithner. In honor of the move, a commemorative set of coins will be struck bearing the likenesses of Chinese president Hu Jintao on one side and a red panda (Ailurus fulgens fulgens), a native of southwest China, on the other.
To further reduce costs, Geithner said that, beginning January 2010, the current mix of metals used for coinage will be restricted to aluminum. “Aluminum will be much easier on the pockets and purses of Americans due to its lighter weight,” claims Edmund C. Moy, Director of the Mint. “Plus, we’ll be able to tap into the volume of beverage cans now littering the nation’s roadways for raw material.”
The Bureau of Engraving and Printing will remain in Washington, although several initiatives will reduce the cost of printing paper currency. Larry R. Felix, the bureau’s director, will phase out the printing of the “green” side of all bills. “The ink savings incurred will be substantial,” said Felix. “In addition, having a blank side will allow consumers to jot down shopping lists and other notes, although, sadly, the term ‘greenback’ will disappear from the English lexicon.”
As of January 2009, China held more than $700 billion in U.S. securities. “Having the U.S. Mint in China will facilitate the purchase of coinage,” asserted Geithner. “The People’s Bank of China has a branch office in Jiangsu, and we will be meeting with its representatives shortly at The Joy Luck Club in Nanjiing, along with Hong Kong actor Aaron Kwok, famous for his role in ‘After This Our Exile’ and now PR Director for People’s Bank.”
NCC Issues Fatwa against Maher
NCC Issues Fatwa against Maher
By Bill Britton
The National Council of Churches (NCC: http://www.ncccusa.org) has issued a fatwa, in the form of a death sentence, against Bill Maher (http://billmaher.com) for his 2008 production of the film, “Religulous” (http://lionsgate.com/religulous). NCC president, Archbishop Vicken Aykazian, said in a news conference, held at Armenian Orthodox Church of America headquarters, that the unusual step “was necessary to hinder the movement of Americans away from religion and toward secularism.” The most famous recent fatwa was that issued by Ayatollah Khomeini in 1989 when the Muslim cleric pronounced a death sentence on Salman Rushdie (http://www.subir.com/rushdie.html), author of The Satanic Verses.
When asked if the NCC member congregations were altering their fundamental doctrinal tenets to align with Islam’s sacred text, the Qur'an, Archbishop Aykazian said, “Oh, yes. It’s our effort to become a more multicultural organization. What better way than to embrace a tactic from our Abrahamic brothers by ending the life of this spokesman for atheism while simultaneously reaching out to other apostates?”
Liz Robbins of the New York Times asked Aykazian if Maher’s hand might instead be severed as a symbolic act or if “he was, in fact, to be assassinated?” The archbishop responded that “The details haven’t been worked out” but that “the media would be given ample notice. We are also giving consideration to modifying the edict to a mere stoning, a tradition found in both Christian and Islamic histories.”
Maher’s reaction was swift: “My agent is in negotiation with the council. She’s suggesting waterboarding instead of either death or stoning. Even former Vice president Cheney feels that this would be the more humane approach. Either that or send me on holiday to Abu Ghraib.”
By Bill Britton
The National Council of Churches (NCC: http://www.ncccusa.org) has issued a fatwa, in the form of a death sentence, against Bill Maher (http://billmaher.com) for his 2008 production of the film, “Religulous” (http://lionsgate.com/religulous). NCC president, Archbishop Vicken Aykazian, said in a news conference, held at Armenian Orthodox Church of America headquarters, that the unusual step “was necessary to hinder the movement of Americans away from religion and toward secularism.” The most famous recent fatwa was that issued by Ayatollah Khomeini in 1989 when the Muslim cleric pronounced a death sentence on Salman Rushdie (http://www.subir.com/rushdie.html), author of The Satanic Verses.
When asked if the NCC member congregations were altering their fundamental doctrinal tenets to align with Islam’s sacred text, the Qur'an, Archbishop Aykazian said, “Oh, yes. It’s our effort to become a more multicultural organization. What better way than to embrace a tactic from our Abrahamic brothers by ending the life of this spokesman for atheism while simultaneously reaching out to other apostates?”
Liz Robbins of the New York Times asked Aykazian if Maher’s hand might instead be severed as a symbolic act or if “he was, in fact, to be assassinated?” The archbishop responded that “The details haven’t been worked out” but that “the media would be given ample notice. We are also giving consideration to modifying the edict to a mere stoning, a tradition found in both Christian and Islamic histories.”
Maher’s reaction was swift: “My agent is in negotiation with the council. She’s suggesting waterboarding instead of either death or stoning. Even former Vice president Cheney feels that this would be the more humane approach. Either that or send me on holiday to Abu Ghraib.”
Mel Gibson Elevated to Cardinal
Mel Gibson Elevated to Cardinal
by Bill Britton
WASHINGTON (Reuters) – At a special convocation of the College of Cardinals, Pope Benedict announced the elevation of Mel Gibson to the position of Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church. Although rumors had been circulating ever since the release of Gibson’s film, “The Passion of the Christ,” most of those close to the Pope had expected an announcement on Easter Sunday in April.
Dominican Father Augustine Di Noia, undersecretary of the doctrinal congregation, called the film the best scourging of flesh he had seen in a long time. “Those 12 minutes will live with me forever,” Di Noia said. “I went back to my apartment and immediately tried to recreate the scene before several of my peers. Before I knew it, we were all dressed in loincloths, heads rimmed with thorns, beating the hell out of each other. Thank God, we had just received a new cask of wine for the Eucharist. Eased the pain, you know.”
Percy Godot, Gibson’s agent, said that his client was not available for comment, having gone into seclusion for an indefinite period: “Mel needs time to take in his new-found sanctity. Plus he is being fitted for his new robes, a tasteful mélange of lily white with splashes of red.” Asked if it was true that now-Cardinal Gibson was planning a sequel to “The Passion,” Godot said that His Eminence was merely waiting Vatican approval of the film’s tentative title, “Son of the Passion of the Christ.”
by Bill Britton
WASHINGTON (Reuters) – At a special convocation of the College of Cardinals, Pope Benedict announced the elevation of Mel Gibson to the position of Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church. Although rumors had been circulating ever since the release of Gibson’s film, “The Passion of the Christ,” most of those close to the Pope had expected an announcement on Easter Sunday in April.
Dominican Father Augustine Di Noia, undersecretary of the doctrinal congregation, called the film the best scourging of flesh he had seen in a long time. “Those 12 minutes will live with me forever,” Di Noia said. “I went back to my apartment and immediately tried to recreate the scene before several of my peers. Before I knew it, we were all dressed in loincloths, heads rimmed with thorns, beating the hell out of each other. Thank God, we had just received a new cask of wine for the Eucharist. Eased the pain, you know.”
Percy Godot, Gibson’s agent, said that his client was not available for comment, having gone into seclusion for an indefinite period: “Mel needs time to take in his new-found sanctity. Plus he is being fitted for his new robes, a tasteful mélange of lily white with splashes of red.” Asked if it was true that now-Cardinal Gibson was planning a sequel to “The Passion,” Godot said that His Eminence was merely waiting Vatican approval of the film’s tentative title, “Son of the Passion of the Christ.”
Florida Strengthens Northern Border
Florida Strengthens Northern Border
by Bill Britton
Because of the threatened influx of retiring baby boomers, Florida’s Governor Christ has decided to strengthen the state’s northern border with Alabama and Georgia. At present there are only ten entry checkpoints found at Interstates 75, 95, and 10 and seven other major highway border crossings. The original purpose of these checkpoints was to inspect tractor-trailer contents for agricultural products that might contain insect or disease pests.
“Now we have a more serious pest,” said Christ from his offices in Tallahassee. “The expected invasion of soon-to-be retirees will affect our ability to fund Medicaid over the long term. Plus, they represent a hazard to a driving public who must be on constant guard against their mindless turns and indecisive drifting from lane to lane.”
The governor’s plan includes tripling the number of checkpoints and building a 12-foot fence along the entire northern border, similar to that found on the U.S. border with Mexico. Funding for the project will be shared by the state and federal governments, with 80 percent coming from billions in federal stimulus money allocated to Florida. “Yes, schools will get less than originally intended,” said Christ, “but we must maintain our image as the Sunshine State rather than the Sunset State, as some pundits would describe it.” The other 20 percent will come from an excise tax placed on mobility scooters and incontinence pads.
Reaction was swift from several quarters. A. Barry Rand, CEO of AARP, fired off a scathing memo to Christ, which closed with these lines: “. . . and, who’s going to replace the residents of Florida’s trailer parks as their owners die off? My mother, who lives in La Palma Verde Grande, is frightened at the prospect of having no more neighbors in a few years. Who will she play Mahjong with?” Urto Fissatore, speaking for the Florida Association of Motor Vehicle Body Shops, was equally angry: “At least half the body shops in Florida will shut down. Seniors are our best customers, and they are repeat customers with Lincolns and Caddies.”
Christ emphasized that this is all perfectly legal, and to help in the transition, he has ordered five-million “Welcome” brochures from North Dakota’s Department of Economic Development. An equal number of roadmaps has been ordered as well to facilitate the emigration of retirees to that state. Said Christ, “North Dakota’s a great place for retirees. The cost of living is low, and there’s always a breeze, just like Florida.”
by Bill Britton
Because of the threatened influx of retiring baby boomers, Florida’s Governor Christ has decided to strengthen the state’s northern border with Alabama and Georgia. At present there are only ten entry checkpoints found at Interstates 75, 95, and 10 and seven other major highway border crossings. The original purpose of these checkpoints was to inspect tractor-trailer contents for agricultural products that might contain insect or disease pests.
“Now we have a more serious pest,” said Christ from his offices in Tallahassee. “The expected invasion of soon-to-be retirees will affect our ability to fund Medicaid over the long term. Plus, they represent a hazard to a driving public who must be on constant guard against their mindless turns and indecisive drifting from lane to lane.”
The governor’s plan includes tripling the number of checkpoints and building a 12-foot fence along the entire northern border, similar to that found on the U.S. border with Mexico. Funding for the project will be shared by the state and federal governments, with 80 percent coming from billions in federal stimulus money allocated to Florida. “Yes, schools will get less than originally intended,” said Christ, “but we must maintain our image as the Sunshine State rather than the Sunset State, as some pundits would describe it.” The other 20 percent will come from an excise tax placed on mobility scooters and incontinence pads.
Reaction was swift from several quarters. A. Barry Rand, CEO of AARP, fired off a scathing memo to Christ, which closed with these lines: “. . . and, who’s going to replace the residents of Florida’s trailer parks as their owners die off? My mother, who lives in La Palma Verde Grande, is frightened at the prospect of having no more neighbors in a few years. Who will she play Mahjong with?” Urto Fissatore, speaking for the Florida Association of Motor Vehicle Body Shops, was equally angry: “At least half the body shops in Florida will shut down. Seniors are our best customers, and they are repeat customers with Lincolns and Caddies.”
Christ emphasized that this is all perfectly legal, and to help in the transition, he has ordered five-million “Welcome” brochures from North Dakota’s Department of Economic Development. An equal number of roadmaps has been ordered as well to facilitate the emigration of retirees to that state. Said Christ, “North Dakota’s a great place for retirees. The cost of living is low, and there’s always a breeze, just like Florida.”
Cheney Sets New Record
Cheney Sets New Record
By Bill Britton
In order to dispel the notion that enhanced interrogation methods like waterboarding are torture, former Vice President Dick Cheney recently subjected himself to this interrogation technique and, in the process, set a new world record. The old record of 183 times was set in March 2003 by Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the self-described planner of the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center. Cheney set a new standard of 200 times in only three weeks.
“Actually, it was quite enjoyable,” said Cheney. “The Bushes say it’s similar to part of the Skull and Bones Society initiation at Yale, where they pour Champagne Philipponnat through a split croissant fastened to the mouth with an almond glaze. Of course, I never joined, being somewhat busy chasing furburger while attending Yale.” When asked by a reporter if it was true that he had flunked out of Yale, Cheney scowled, “Executive privilege, you little wanker.”
The vice president certainly dressed the part. He came fully clad in shiny black leather shorts and laced bustier, which enhanced his physique. However, he did have some difficulty negotiating the stairway leading down to the interrogation room wearing five-inch, spiked heels. Only one newsman, Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, was allowed in the room with Cheney to verify the count. Screams of “Yes, yes, yes” could be heard echoing through a ventilation duct, reminding one reporter of the final chapter in James Joyce’s Ulysses.
When the ordeal was over, Cheney exited the interrogation room, his signature smirk having shifted from the left side of his mouth to the right, with strands of toweling stuck between his teeth. “Well, boys, I did it,” said Cheney. “Next week I’m going for the world record of stacked, naked bodies. I’ve already contacted the women’s 2008 roller derby champions, the Gotham Girls of New York City. Of course, I’ll be at the top of the heap.” O'Reilly was heard murmuring, "Can I come, can I come?" repeatedly.
By Bill Britton
In order to dispel the notion that enhanced interrogation methods like waterboarding are torture, former Vice President Dick Cheney recently subjected himself to this interrogation technique and, in the process, set a new world record. The old record of 183 times was set in March 2003 by Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the self-described planner of the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center. Cheney set a new standard of 200 times in only three weeks.
“Actually, it was quite enjoyable,” said Cheney. “The Bushes say it’s similar to part of the Skull and Bones Society initiation at Yale, where they pour Champagne Philipponnat through a split croissant fastened to the mouth with an almond glaze. Of course, I never joined, being somewhat busy chasing furburger while attending Yale.” When asked by a reporter if it was true that he had flunked out of Yale, Cheney scowled, “Executive privilege, you little wanker.”
The vice president certainly dressed the part. He came fully clad in shiny black leather shorts and laced bustier, which enhanced his physique. However, he did have some difficulty negotiating the stairway leading down to the interrogation room wearing five-inch, spiked heels. Only one newsman, Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, was allowed in the room with Cheney to verify the count. Screams of “Yes, yes, yes” could be heard echoing through a ventilation duct, reminding one reporter of the final chapter in James Joyce’s Ulysses.
When the ordeal was over, Cheney exited the interrogation room, his signature smirk having shifted from the left side of his mouth to the right, with strands of toweling stuck between his teeth. “Well, boys, I did it,” said Cheney. “Next week I’m going for the world record of stacked, naked bodies. I’ve already contacted the women’s 2008 roller derby champions, the Gotham Girls of New York City. Of course, I’ll be at the top of the heap.” O'Reilly was heard murmuring, "Can I come, can I come?" repeatedly.
Boehner Wins Pissing Contest
Boehner Wins Pissing Contest
By Bill Britton
House Republican Leader, John (Man-Tan) Boehner (R-Ohio), came out on top in the Republican Party’s annual pissing contest. Dubbed “Pee for Democracy,” the contest has been waged every year since 1980 when Ronald Reagan outdistanced George H. W. Bush with a mark of 14 feet, 3 inches, a record that still stands. That win guaranteed Reagan’s victory in the subsequent presidential contest. The combined record of 32.75 points (distance plus volume) is held by Rush (Telatubby) Limbaugh. Point totals are determined by an arcane formula devised by former Federal Reserve Chairman, Alan Greenspan.
The contest, at Mitch O’Neill’s Pub in Syosset, NY, was held over a period of four days and coincided with the playing of the U.S. Open golf championship in nearby Bethpage. Because of rain delays at the Bethpage course, attendance at the golf classic suffered. In addition, Pee for Democracy’s organizers offered Bud Lite Draft, the contest’s sponsors, to spectators at 1960 prices—50¢ per pint, which further dampened Open attendance.
This year’s finalists included winner Boehner, perennial favorite Limbaugh (second), Bill O’Reilly of Fox (third), and author and conservative activist, Ann Coulter (fourth). Coulter’s participation was a first for women and reflected a desire of the Republican Party to be more inclusive. Like golf, the women’s pee-tee-off spot was circumscribed to offset the male penile advantages of adjustable elevation and tighter stream.
Disappointing was the performance of the early favorite, President George W. Bush, who barely reached the 3-foot hash mark. “I cain’t unnerstan it,” said Bush. “I been practicin’ for months and was spectacle. If we hadda skeet virgin of the contest, I woulda’ won hands down. Last week, ah was like a dead-eye dick, hittin’ them skitterin’ tumbleweed down at the Crawford ranch.”
Boehner was his usual, magnanimous self, offering O’Reilly a redo of a misdirected effort in the final round. “I saw that Bill was momentarily distracted by a picket shouting, ‘O’Reilly sucks fox - - - -*,’ so after a 30-minute delay and two pints of Bud, Bill recovered his composure and edged out Ann by a stroke, so to speak.”
Limbaugh was bitter: “I’m not used to dealing with a headwind and should have had a redo. I guess O’Reilly is the only one that gets fair and balanced treatment around here.” Contest head, Pat Buchanan, countered Limbaugh’s complaint by saying, “Rush should be more flexible, not so rigid. He should have listened to his handlers and reduced his angle of elevation.”
*Not on George Carlin’s forbidden words list.
By Bill Britton
House Republican Leader, John (Man-Tan) Boehner (R-Ohio), came out on top in the Republican Party’s annual pissing contest. Dubbed “Pee for Democracy,” the contest has been waged every year since 1980 when Ronald Reagan outdistanced George H. W. Bush with a mark of 14 feet, 3 inches, a record that still stands. That win guaranteed Reagan’s victory in the subsequent presidential contest. The combined record of 32.75 points (distance plus volume) is held by Rush (Telatubby) Limbaugh. Point totals are determined by an arcane formula devised by former Federal Reserve Chairman, Alan Greenspan.
The contest, at Mitch O’Neill’s Pub in Syosset, NY, was held over a period of four days and coincided with the playing of the U.S. Open golf championship in nearby Bethpage. Because of rain delays at the Bethpage course, attendance at the golf classic suffered. In addition, Pee for Democracy’s organizers offered Bud Lite Draft, the contest’s sponsors, to spectators at 1960 prices—50¢ per pint, which further dampened Open attendance.
This year’s finalists included winner Boehner, perennial favorite Limbaugh (second), Bill O’Reilly of Fox (third), and author and conservative activist, Ann Coulter (fourth). Coulter’s participation was a first for women and reflected a desire of the Republican Party to be more inclusive. Like golf, the women’s pee-tee-off spot was circumscribed to offset the male penile advantages of adjustable elevation and tighter stream.
Disappointing was the performance of the early favorite, President George W. Bush, who barely reached the 3-foot hash mark. “I cain’t unnerstan it,” said Bush. “I been practicin’ for months and was spectacle. If we hadda skeet virgin of the contest, I woulda’ won hands down. Last week, ah was like a dead-eye dick, hittin’ them skitterin’ tumbleweed down at the Crawford ranch.”
Boehner was his usual, magnanimous self, offering O’Reilly a redo of a misdirected effort in the final round. “I saw that Bill was momentarily distracted by a picket shouting, ‘O’Reilly sucks fox - - - -*,’ so after a 30-minute delay and two pints of Bud, Bill recovered his composure and edged out Ann by a stroke, so to speak.”
Limbaugh was bitter: “I’m not used to dealing with a headwind and should have had a redo. I guess O’Reilly is the only one that gets fair and balanced treatment around here.” Contest head, Pat Buchanan, countered Limbaugh’s complaint by saying, “Rush should be more flexible, not so rigid. He should have listened to his handlers and reduced his angle of elevation.”
*Not on George Carlin’s forbidden words list.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Rush Limbaugh’s Genome Mapped
Rush Limbaugh’s Genome Mapped
by Bill Britton
J. Craig Venter, founder of The Institute for Genomic Research, announced that Rush Limbaugh’s genome has been sequenced. In what Venter describes as an “atypical genome,” Limbaugh was shown to have only 11,000 genes, roughly one-third that of humans in general. “Surprisingly,” said Venter, “this is the same number found in the nematode, or roundworm, one species of which can be found in the gut of infected dogs.”
Venter would not comment on the significance of this finding, saying only that Limbaugh could represent a danger to higher animals should they ingest any tissue fragments that slough off his body. “Of particular concern are domestic animals, especially canines, that are known to lick bare skin,” said Venter. “You wouldn’t want Rover to have a Limbaugh growing in his gut. Nematodes do reproduce asexually rather than “bud” off new individuals, as do hydra. But a danger does exist. And remember, we have entered a vast unknown in the person of Limbaugh.” When asked if humans were at risk, Venter replied, “Very unlikely. After all, who would want to lick Rush Limbaugh?”
Except for his girth, Limbaugh appears to bear an uncanny resemblance to the typical human male. However, his tendency to bounce up and down when agitated is inconsistent with adult human behavior. America’s leading psychologist, Dr. Phil (drphil.com), offers up this explanation: “Without a doubt, Rush Limbaugh is missing genetic material present in higher animals. In particular, his amygdala, that region of the brain controlling behavior, is likely to be shortchanged. It would be unfair of me to compare his conduct with that of a territorial great ape, but the parallel is certainly there.”
by Bill Britton
J. Craig Venter, founder of The Institute for Genomic Research, announced that Rush Limbaugh’s genome has been sequenced. In what Venter describes as an “atypical genome,” Limbaugh was shown to have only 11,000 genes, roughly one-third that of humans in general. “Surprisingly,” said Venter, “this is the same number found in the nematode, or roundworm, one species of which can be found in the gut of infected dogs.”
Venter would not comment on the significance of this finding, saying only that Limbaugh could represent a danger to higher animals should they ingest any tissue fragments that slough off his body. “Of particular concern are domestic animals, especially canines, that are known to lick bare skin,” said Venter. “You wouldn’t want Rover to have a Limbaugh growing in his gut. Nematodes do reproduce asexually rather than “bud” off new individuals, as do hydra. But a danger does exist. And remember, we have entered a vast unknown in the person of Limbaugh.” When asked if humans were at risk, Venter replied, “Very unlikely. After all, who would want to lick Rush Limbaugh?”
Except for his girth, Limbaugh appears to bear an uncanny resemblance to the typical human male. However, his tendency to bounce up and down when agitated is inconsistent with adult human behavior. America’s leading psychologist, Dr. Phil (drphil.com), offers up this explanation: “Without a doubt, Rush Limbaugh is missing genetic material present in higher animals. In particular, his amygdala, that region of the brain controlling behavior, is likely to be shortchanged. It would be unfair of me to compare his conduct with that of a territorial great ape, but the parallel is certainly there.”
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