"It's all muscle!"
By Bill Britton
Special to TPN — Special assistant Goober Flatus announced that New Jersey governor Chris Christie has chosen the curse words to be used in his second inaugural speech following the swearing-in ceremony on Tuesday, January 21. “The governor has worked extremely hard on this speech,” said Flatus. “He received input from a number of sources, including Dennis Rodman and Keith Richards, but in the end we decided that George Carlin’s list was the best, although the governor might add to it.”
Carlin’s famous seven include s**t, p**s, f**k, c**t, c**ks****r, m****rf****r, and t**s (as a former Christian, this reporter felt obliged to hide the actual spellings). Unlike the governor’s marathon speech explaining Bridgegate, Flatus assured the assembled reporters that it would take not more than one hour.
Once the ceremony is completed, the audience will be allowed to approach Christie and kiss his ring. The governor preferred that a different part of his anatomy be honored but did not want the proceedings to be undignified. A Bob Marley impersonator will sing reggae tunes during a limbo competition to be held in the front of Newark’s New Hope Baptist Church, the site of the inauguration. Flatus said that the governor has been practicing the limbo for months and has lowered the bar to 65 inches.
In related news, tolls on the New Jersey Turnpike will be increased by 50 percent on Inauguration Day to cover the day’s cost. Any surplus will be used to fund Christie’s presidential run, once the U.S. Supreme Court lets stand a lower court order to allow this funding source for Teapublican candidates.