Walmart to Offer Terrorist Accessories
By Bill Britton
Recognizing shifting U.S. demographics, Walmart’s 2010 product line will include useful accessories specifically designed to appeal to the terrorist segment. “This is an important customer group for us,” said Walmart spokesperson Shabaella Fou. “Plus it promises excellent long-term growth.”
The initial offering will be restricted to three products. “We want to see what’s most viable for the active terrorist. Focus group results have indicated that the items should be both practical and stylish.” Fou’s assistant Randy Heedless continued, “The products should exude a sense of mystery and intrigue, as well as appeal to all ethnicities, from IRA bombers to Chetznian rebels.”
Heading up the list of new products is “Bomb Thongs for Men®,” which come in Guantanamo Grey, Dynamite Red, and Crazy-Man Stripes. The thongs feature multiple pockets attached to the waistband, two of which are pre-wired for detonation devices. An equivalent for women, “Bomb Thongs for Gals®,” will be offered in the fall.
An ADA-approved walker, with a capacity of 2 pounds of plastic explosives or six sticks of dynamite, will be available for the older terrorist. The “Wanker-Walker®,” designed by I.M. Wanker, includes a detailed instruction book and a 3-ounce spray can of bat guano essence, which, when applied to underarms, will deter body searches by airport security personnel or border guards.
In Walmart’s effort to appeal to all age groups, an “Osama Squeeze-Me Doll®” in various skin tones will come to market for the 2010 Holiday season. A pressure-sensitive trigger is hidden in its chubby cheeks and wired to the explosives compartment. With a suggested retail price of $18.99 (batteries and explosives not included), Walmart executives expect the doll to exceed Barbie® sales by a factor of two.
All products are being offered with a money-back guarantee.