Friday, November 11, 2016

Occupancy Rate at Trump Hotels Drops Below 25%

Special to TPN – A former advisor to President-elect Donald Trump has revealed that the real-estate magnate’s properties have suffered in the aftermath of his presidential campaign. The advisor, Punksky Borinskovich, once Russian President Vladimir Putin’s right-hand man, quit the Trump team after Trump failed to pay the $300,000 owed him for services rendered. Borinskovich revealed his frustration in a televised interview with MSNBC’s Rachel Madow: “Who does he think I am? One of his illegals on a job site? I, Punksky Borinskovich [see photo], the best computer hacker in the world! Just ask Putin.”

Trump sidekick, and likely Attorney General Rudy Giuliani, quipped that once Trump is sworn in as President, “He’ll be immune from all lawsuits and monetary claims, since I’ll be the new Attorney General. Look at what the current guy did, covering up the fact that Obama was born in Nigeria, or wherever. Real Americans look like me – white and with an all-American name. 
Giuliani – is there anything more American than that?”

Trump’s sons have a plan in place to boost occupancy in their hotels. Hostesses will be installed in all rooms when requested by an occupant at a small upcharge of $300 to $1,000 per night. Donald Trump, Jr. said, “Hey, my dad had no problem with having a hostess greet him in his penthouse. Hell, he even married a few of them.” 

By Bill Britton

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Cheetos to Sponsor Trump TV Station CRUD

By Bill Britton

Special to TPN – Cheetos’ parent company, Frito-Lay, announced that it will be a primary sponsor of President-elect Trump’s TV station, CRUD (Conservative Republicans Under Donald). “It’s a natural fit,” said Vivek Sankaran, COO of Frito-Lay North America. “Trump has been a life-long consumer of Cheetos, as evidenced by his complexion. We believe that tanning creams could become obsolete now that the ‘Cheetos-effect’ on skin tone was determined by researchers at the FDA and verified by the President-elect. Who needs tanning creams or the sun’s rays when you can toss a bag of Cheetos down your gullet every day?”

Shortly after Sankaran’s announcement, Frito-Lay stock rose 16 percent in overnight trading. Wall Street feels that a significant share of the 59 million Trump voters will sign onto the Cheetos bag-a-day habit, even those on salt-restricted diets. Warren Teddumb, a Frito-Lay delivery man from Grand Rapids, Michigan, told our reporter that his truck was broken into and all the Cheetos taken: “Now that the Trump rallies are over, millions of people have nothing to do, and they’re broke after giving all their money to the Trump campaign. I guess they’re just desperate to get the Trump facial look.”

Trump spokesman and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said, “This is only the beginning. We are in negotiations with the Orange GLO furniture polish people and the Florida Citrus Council. Orange is the new black! To show our commitment to these sponsors, all Trump signage and logos will be changed from gold to orange.”

In other news, another 43,000 Hillary Clinton emails have been released by WikiLeaks. This brings the 8-year daily rolling average of emails sent by her to 648 per day, a new Guinness record.