Monday, July 6, 2009

Palin to Become Rhodes Scholar

Palin to Become Rhodes Scholar

by Bill Britton

In a surprising development, Sarah Palin’s decision to quit the governorship of Alaska has been tied to her acceptance of a Rhodes scholarship to Oxford University. The Right Honorable Lord Patten of Barnes, chancellor of Oxford, released a prepared statement in which he praised “Governor Palin’s broad knowledge of world affairs” and her “deep understanding of environmental issues.”

Professor Sally Shuttleworth, Dean of Humanities at Oxford, said that Palin has signed on to a rigorous schedule that will lead to a Ph.D. in General Linguistics and Comparative Philology. Asked about her decision not to pursue a course of study leading to a degree in law or politics, Palin said, “Heck, I don’t need to know any more about politics. I’m the new brand of politics. And law? There’s too much law in this country. Look how the law’s keeping oil money out of the pockets of folks who really need it.”

The governor elaborated on her degree choice, saying that “linguistics is something that will help me communicate with all those primitive folks in places like Russia, Brooklyn, and Mexico. Plus, maybe I’ll be able to understand those folks who writhe on the floor of my church, speaking in tongues. Darn it, that babbling is bad enough, but the snake handling gets on my nerves and is the reason I pack my Glock 9-millimeter every Sunday morning.”

In an interview late yesterday, a reporter asked Palin if it would be difficult to find time to study and still care for her family. “Doncha worry,” said Palin. “Todd, the First Dude, knows all about poopy diapers and math homework. I got him as well-trained as a sled dog. I yell ‘mush,’ and my little issorartuyok [lead dog] runs up to me dripping and whining.”

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