Cheney Sets New Record
By Bill Britton
In order to dispel the notion that enhanced interrogation methods like waterboarding are torture, former Vice President Dick Cheney recently subjected himself to this interrogation technique and, in the process, set a new world record. The old record of 183 times was set in March 2003 by Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the self-described planner of the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center. Cheney set a new standard of 200 times in only three weeks.
“Actually, it was quite enjoyable,” said Cheney. “The Bushes say it’s similar to part of the Skull and Bones Society initiation at Yale, where they pour Champagne Philipponnat through a split croissant fastened to the mouth with an almond glaze. Of course, I never joined, being somewhat busy chasing furburger while attending Yale.” When asked by a reporter if it was true that he had flunked out of Yale, Cheney scowled, “Executive privilege, you little wanker.”
The vice president certainly dressed the part. He came fully clad in shiny black leather shorts and laced bustier, which enhanced his physique. However, he did have some difficulty negotiating the stairway leading down to the interrogation room wearing five-inch, spiked heels. Only one newsman, Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, was allowed in the room with Cheney to verify the count. Screams of “Yes, yes, yes” could be heard echoing through a ventilation duct, reminding one reporter of the final chapter in James Joyce’s Ulysses.
When the ordeal was over, Cheney exited the interrogation room, his signature smirk having shifted from the left side of his mouth to the right, with strands of toweling stuck between his teeth. “Well, boys, I did it,” said Cheney. “Next week I’m going for the world record of stacked, naked bodies. I’ve already contacted the women’s 2008 roller derby champions, the Gotham Girls of New York City. Of course, I’ll be at the top of the heap.” O'Reilly was heard murmuring, "Can I come, can I come?" repeatedly.