National Duct Tape Council Praises Bush
By Bill Britton
The normally apolitical National Duct Tape Council has issued a statement in support of former President Bush’s call to invade Canada. Chairman Herb Rimple explained the council’s reasoning at a televised news conference held in Crawford, Texas: “We at the council believe that President Bush is showing the way to a more secure nation. Duct tape has long been known as the ‘handyman’s secret weapon.’ Now its importance is being kicked up a notch with the council’s fresh slogan, ‘Duct Tape—America’s New Defense.’”
Bush turned aside reporters’ questions regarding Rimple’s possible appointment as Republican National Chairperson to replace Michael Steele. “Mr. Rimple’s leadership in the demanding field of duct tape development certainly qualifies him to be head of this organization. However, Mike Steele has done much to allay concerns that the word ‘compassionate’ has been taken out of the word ‘conservative.’ The party’s luncheon for street people in Washington is testimony to this.” (All were given empty Frigidaire cartons personally initialed by the former president.)
As anticipated, the National Duct Tape Council will soon be merging with the United Drop Cloth Association. The natural synergy of this union has been boosted by the logic of encouraging Americans to seal off a “clean room” in their homes that would keep them safe in the event of a chemical or biological attack.
Chairman George W. Buckley of the 3M Company joined Rimple with a pledge to “ramp up production so that no American will go tapeless.” To symbolize their commitment, Rimple and Buckley met with Tom Silva of TV’s award-winning program, This Old House, and announced that Silva will host a special edition of the program to be called, “Taping the Lincoln Bedroom—The First Family’s Clean Room,” which will feature President Obama as “First Taper.”