Friday, August 14, 2009

Republicans Tout Healthcare Plan

Republicans Tout Healthcare Plan

by Bill Britton

House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio today announced his party’s plan for sweeping healthcare reform. “It’s a no-brainer,” said Boehner. “It takes the best parts found in the Democrats’ plan and weds them to ours. This will put to rest all those claims that Republicans cannot work with Democrats.” Senator Charles Grassley (R-IA) echoed similar sentiments when he said that “Grandmas around the country need not fear us pulling the plug on them. We’ll let them dribble away on life support for as long as it takes to get me reelected. This includes all the grandpas like me in the Senate who have been comatose for decades.”

The plan is national in scope, as demanded by Democrats, and calls for the elimination of all healthcare insurance coverage for households earning less than $250,000 per year, as favored by Republicans. Those making more than this ceiling will have the option of retaining their coverage and will receive a tax rebate of 150% of their premium costs to offset the obvious hardship. Members of Congress will continue to be covered by their government plan, and the limit on direct campaign contributions will be raised to $100,000 per donor to ensure that special interests like insurance companies are protected.

Those making less than $250,000 per year will have their medical needs attended to by the existing network of emergency rooms found in hospitals around the country. These facilities will be available to American citizens of Christian birth only. Funding for this care will come from reduced social security payments, which “ensures that the effect on the budget will be a zero-sum game, so to speak,” said Boehner. Illegal aliens and non-Christians will be cared for in an abandoned Ace Hardware store in northern Montana that has been converted to a clinic staffed by medical students from Grenada, a “vital ally in our war on terrorism,” as described by Senator John McCain (R-AZ).

When asked if Jewish doctors will be qualified to practice medicine in the emergency-room network, Boehner replied, “If these facilities cannot hire enough Indian or Pakistani MDs, of course they’ll be allowed to practice. After all, ID [Intelligent Design] has blessed them with the skills necessary to care for us goyim, as the Hebes like to say, although I think He should have paid more attention to the finer details. What’s with the foreskin anyway? Or with wisdom teeth?”

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