Minnesotan Unaware of Jackson Death
By Bill Britton
Minneapolis, MN (INS) Bleiben Dunkel of Minnesota acknowledged today that he is unfamiliar with late entertainer, Michael Jackson. Contacted at his home in the remote village of Waskish, Dunkel said that his TV screen went blank on June 12. When told that he needed a converter box to receive the new digital TV signals, Dunkel said, “Gott im Himmel. Ist nasty Commie plot!
Dunkel drew national attention after being identified as the only person in America who was not tuned in to the Jackson funeral held at the Staples Center. News reader Wolf Blitzer of CNN encapsulated media astonishment by saying, “The greater question is whether Dunkel should be allowed to continue on this reckless path. Without the complete participation of the public, advertising dollars will suffer along with my income. I’ll no longer be able to afford $300 beard trims.” Jack Cafferty, as part of his Cafferty File segment, released a poll that indicated unanimous disapproval of Dunkel’s behavior.
Taken aboard a CNN van and shown a video from “Thriller,” Jackson’s hugely popular studio album, as well as film clips from the funeral, Dunkel shouted, “Holy scheisse, dot guy scares me like a rotten bratwurst. He ist a man, right? Bitte, bitte, stoppen die music! Und who is die blondie you show mit die almost black guy? Elizabeth Taylor? She’s been trinken too much Jagermeister.”
In Washington, Senator Roland Burris (D-IL) sponsored a bill to allow the FBI to investigate Dunkel’s un-American activity. “My brother Michael’s memory should not be sullied by some white honky’s indifference to the sensitivities of the black community,” he said. “After all, without the musicological direction taken by Michael, we’d still be listening to the likes of the Grateful Dead, a band that has less soul than dry wall.”