Boehner Wins Pissing Contest

Boehner Wins Pissing Contest

By Bill Britton

House Republican Leader, John (Man-Tan) Boehner (R-Ohio), came out on top in the Republican Party’s annual pissing contest. Dubbed “Pee for Democracy,” the contest has been waged every year since 1980 when Ronald Reagan outdistanced George H. W. Bush with a mark of 14 feet, 3 inches, a record that still stands. That win guaranteed Reagan’s victory in the subsequent presidential contest. The combined record of 32.75 points (distance plus volume) is held by Rush (Telatubby) Limbaugh. Point totals are determined by an arcane formula devised by former Federal Reserve Chairman, Alan Greenspan.

The contest, at Mitch O’Neill’s Pub in Syosset, NY, was held over a period of four days and coincided with the playing of the U.S. Open golf championship in nearby Bethpage. Because of rain delays at the Bethpage course, attendance at the golf classic suffered. In addition, Pee for Democracy’s organizers offered Bud Lite Draft, the contest’s sponsors, to spectators at 1960 prices—50¢ per pint, which further dampened Open attendance.

This year’s finalists included winner Boehner, perennial favorite Limbaugh (second), Bill O’Reilly of Fox (third), and author and conservative activist, Ann Coulter (fourth). Coulter’s participation was a first for women and reflected a desire of the Republican Party to be more inclusive. Like golf, the women’s pee-tee-off spot was circumscribed to offset the male penile advantages of adjustable elevation and tighter stream.

Disappointing was the performance of the early favorite, President George W. Bush, who barely reached the 3-foot hash mark. “I cain’t unnerstan it,” said Bush. “I been practicin’ for months and was spectacle. If we hadda skeet virgin of the contest, I woulda’ won hands down. Last week, ah was like a dead-eye dick, hittin’ them skitterin’ tumbleweed down at the Crawford ranch.”

Boehner was his usual, magnanimous self, offering O’Reilly a redo of a misdirected effort in the final round. “I saw that Bill was momentarily distracted by a picket shouting, ‘O’Reilly sucks fox - - - -*,’ so after a 30-minute delay and two pints of Bud, Bill recovered his composure and edged out Ann by a stroke, so to speak.”

Limbaugh was bitter: “I’m not used to dealing with a headwind and should have had a redo. I guess O’Reilly is the only one that gets fair and balanced treatment around here.” Contest head, Pat Buchanan, countered Limbaugh’s complaint by saying, “Rush should be more flexible, not so rigid. He should have listened to his handlers and reduced his angle of elevation.”

*Not on George Carlin’s forbidden words list.