Top Commander in Afghanistan Replaced by Sergeant
By Bill Britton
General Stanley A. McChrystal, the top U.S. commander in Afghanistan, was forced to step down from his post today. His replacement, Master Sergeant Goober Heap, will assume his duties immediately. McChrystal’s position became untenable after he gave the “bird” to Vice President Biden, U.S. Ambassador to Afghanistan, Karl Eikenberry, and an unnamed minister in the French government. McChrystal’s conduct was exposed in an article that appeared in a recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine.
“We cannot have a hired gun like McChrystal giving the bird to members of this Administration,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “The French, yes, and it’s OK to flip one when Senator Man Tan [Rep. John Boehner, R-OH] walks by. After all, Boehner, or Big Boner as we prefer to call him in the White House, does it to the President all the time. One of the President’s goals is to bring more civility to Washington.”
McChrystal was interviewed by this reporter at his retreat in Bladensburg, MD, where he was found cleaning a 155-mm howitzer. “Yeah, I picked up this baby in Kuwait. It’s a bit rusty, but I figure once it’s tidied up, I’ll test her out with a few dummy rounds. Has a range of 16,350 yards, you know—about from here to downtown D.C.”
Sergeant Heap was somewhat confused by his new appointment: “Who the [bleep’s] supposed to salute who? I’m up to my [bleepin’] ass in [bleepin’] majors and [bleepin’] colonels who earn ribbons sittin’ on their [bleepin’] butts playing with each other. Meanwhile, I’m on my fourth [bleepin’] tour in [bleepin’] turbanland with a new [bleepin’] baby at home that looks like the [bleepin’] Tasty Freeze man.”
Larry King, rumored to be still alive, will interview Sergeant Heap on his show this week.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Obesity: A Cure for Climate Change?
Obesity: A Cure for Climate Change?
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has released the results of a study that sees worldwide obesity as key to reducing carbon emissions and halting climate change. Spokesman Offenscus Contradiscu said that “. . . the amount of carbon that the world population could capture by each adult putting on, say, 100 pounds is tremendous. Of that, 18 pounds is carbon. Multiply that by an adult population of 4 billion and, presto, 72-billion pounds, or 36-million tons, captured.”
Bernhard Snufsdenhendsenson, a reporter from Norway, pointed out that this would amount to only a tiny fraction of carbon emitted by motor vehicles, buildings, and industry each year. This resulted in a heated exchange between Snufsdenhendsenson and Contradiscu, which ended when Contradiscu sat his 350-pound bulk on Snufsdenhendsenson and screamed, “Magre er ikke bety!” (“Lean is not mean!”).
A flushed Contradiscu later suggested that the proposed weight gains might have to be ratcheted up and could be extended to children. Snufsdenhendsenson countered by saying, “The negative effects from this undertaking would be significant: Airline seat widths would have to be increased, reducing passenger capacity. Walmart would have to buy larger shopping baskets and establish a one-way policy for its aisles. And where would the additional Twinkies come from?”
Monsanto, whose genetically modified seed corn has a virtual monopoly on corn production, was elated. “This is a great opportunity,” said Monsanto’s CEO. “Our biggest customers, farmers who grow for Archer Daniels Midland [ADM], have our phones ringing off the hook, saying that soda bottlers like Coke and bakers like Entenmann’s are clamoring for more high-fructose corn syrup to satisfy demand. And look at the impact on manufacturers of diabetes drugs. Eli Lilly is up 8 percent on the IPCC recommendation.”
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has released the results of a study that sees worldwide obesity as key to reducing carbon emissions and halting climate change. Spokesman Offenscus Contradiscu said that “. . . the amount of carbon that the world population could capture by each adult putting on, say, 100 pounds is tremendous. Of that, 18 pounds is carbon. Multiply that by an adult population of 4 billion and, presto, 72-billion pounds, or 36-million tons, captured.”
Bernhard Snufsdenhendsenson, a reporter from Norway, pointed out that this would amount to only a tiny fraction of carbon emitted by motor vehicles, buildings, and industry each year. This resulted in a heated exchange between Snufsdenhendsenson and Contradiscu, which ended when Contradiscu sat his 350-pound bulk on Snufsdenhendsenson and screamed, “Magre er ikke bety!” (“Lean is not mean!”).
A flushed Contradiscu later suggested that the proposed weight gains might have to be ratcheted up and could be extended to children. Snufsdenhendsenson countered by saying, “The negative effects from this undertaking would be significant: Airline seat widths would have to be increased, reducing passenger capacity. Walmart would have to buy larger shopping baskets and establish a one-way policy for its aisles. And where would the additional Twinkies come from?”
Monsanto, whose genetically modified seed corn has a virtual monopoly on corn production, was elated. “This is a great opportunity,” said Monsanto’s CEO. “Our biggest customers, farmers who grow for Archer Daniels Midland [ADM], have our phones ringing off the hook, saying that soda bottlers like Coke and bakers like Entenmann’s are clamoring for more high-fructose corn syrup to satisfy demand. And look at the impact on manufacturers of diabetes drugs. Eli Lilly is up 8 percent on the IPCC recommendation.”
Moose Fever Grips the Nation
Moose Fever Grips the Nation
By Bill Britton
In the wake of Sarah Palin’s continuing surge in popularity following the 2008 election, the nation has been caught up in “moose mania.” Images of Palin hovering over a moose kill in Alaska have electrified the NRA’s membership. Bumper stickers saying “I Killed a Moose for God” are proliferating across the land. Lines hundreds long are forming outside of hunting license outlets in the Northeast and Alaska for permits to kill a moose.
Palin has stoked the mania by offering up her recipes for moose stew and moose-steak tartare. “No chocolate-chip recipes from this babe,” Palin shouted before thousands of adoring fans at a Tea Party rally in Ohio. “My long-term goal is to open up my home state to unrestricted oil drilling and hunting. You’re all invited! Party time on the tundra! BP rules!”
Despite the P.A. system breaking down, Palin was heard loud and clear. “What a voice,” one onlooker exclaimed. Palin was then carried away above the crowd to her waiting limousine in what had turned into a 1980s-style mosh pit.
The scene has been repeated at rallies across America, although several have been disrupted by grandmothers wearing Bullwinkle masks, shouting, “Palin’s a stinky! Save our Bull-winkie! / It’s back to Wasilla for Palin the killer!”
Lost in all the confusion was groupie John McCain, whose murmured words were barely heard by a few stragglers still standing in front of the stadium after the rally: “Drill, Drill, Drill! Kill, Kill, Kill!” He was later seen wandering aimlessly in the parking lot, muttering, “Where the hell are my Secret-Service agents? What state is this?”
By Bill Britton
In the wake of Sarah Palin’s continuing surge in popularity following the 2008 election, the nation has been caught up in “moose mania.” Images of Palin hovering over a moose kill in Alaska have electrified the NRA’s membership. Bumper stickers saying “I Killed a Moose for God” are proliferating across the land. Lines hundreds long are forming outside of hunting license outlets in the Northeast and Alaska for permits to kill a moose.
Palin has stoked the mania by offering up her recipes for moose stew and moose-steak tartare. “No chocolate-chip recipes from this babe,” Palin shouted before thousands of adoring fans at a Tea Party rally in Ohio. “My long-term goal is to open up my home state to unrestricted oil drilling and hunting. You’re all invited! Party time on the tundra! BP rules!”
Despite the P.A. system breaking down, Palin was heard loud and clear. “What a voice,” one onlooker exclaimed. Palin was then carried away above the crowd to her waiting limousine in what had turned into a 1980s-style mosh pit.
The scene has been repeated at rallies across America, although several have been disrupted by grandmothers wearing Bullwinkle masks, shouting, “Palin’s a stinky! Save our Bull-winkie! / It’s back to Wasilla for Palin the killer!”
Lost in all the confusion was groupie John McCain, whose murmured words were barely heard by a few stragglers still standing in front of the stadium after the rally: “Drill, Drill, Drill! Kill, Kill, Kill!” He was later seen wandering aimlessly in the parking lot, muttering, “Where the hell are my Secret-Service agents? What state is this?”
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Florida Homeowners’ Association Bans Dead Leaves
Florida Homeowners’ Association Bans Dead Leaves
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Pierre Saber, president of the Verde Dandé Homeowners’ Association, a 55+ community on Florida’s Gulf Coast, announced that the VD board of directors has passed a series of innovative by-laws designed to protect the community’s home values. “We see the dead-leaf issue as one that has plagued the community for years,” said Saber. “Of course dead palm fronds are unsightly as well, and like all dead things, they should be given a proper Christian burial. To this end, the association has purchased vacant lot 35, now designated Special Holy Interment Terrain, or SHIT for short.”
Other by-laws changes include these measures: reducing maximum grass height from 3.87 to 3.66 inches, prohibiting residents from wearing or playing Grateful Dead-related material between 10:00 pm and 8:00 am, prohibiting topless or bottomless (or both) swimming in residents’ pools unless the participants have a body-mass index (BMI) of less than 25, and requiring residents to install speed bumps in driveways.
A referendum to determine homeowner approval of the new by-laws found 57% in favor, 46% against, and 33% undecided (22% made two or more selections). Eighty-eight-year-old Levi Troll, a former Navy captain and chairman of the HOA’s Nitti Gritty Committee, which formulated the changes, expressed his reaction to the vote: “This is an example of oligarchy in action. I see this as a new beginning for Verde Dandé. At the next committee meeting, I’m going to propose that all 139 homes in the community be painted battleship grey and that razor wire be strung around its borders to keep out undesirables like alligators, kids, and Democrats.”
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Pierre Saber, president of the Verde Dandé Homeowners’ Association, a 55+ community on Florida’s Gulf Coast, announced that the VD board of directors has passed a series of innovative by-laws designed to protect the community’s home values. “We see the dead-leaf issue as one that has plagued the community for years,” said Saber. “Of course dead palm fronds are unsightly as well, and like all dead things, they should be given a proper Christian burial. To this end, the association has purchased vacant lot 35, now designated Special Holy Interment Terrain, or SHIT for short.”
Other by-laws changes include these measures: reducing maximum grass height from 3.87 to 3.66 inches, prohibiting residents from wearing or playing Grateful Dead-related material between 10:00 pm and 8:00 am, prohibiting topless or bottomless (or both) swimming in residents’ pools unless the participants have a body-mass index (BMI) of less than 25, and requiring residents to install speed bumps in driveways.
A referendum to determine homeowner approval of the new by-laws found 57% in favor, 46% against, and 33% undecided (22% made two or more selections). Eighty-eight-year-old Levi Troll, a former Navy captain and chairman of the HOA’s Nitti Gritty Committee, which formulated the changes, expressed his reaction to the vote: “This is an example of oligarchy in action. I see this as a new beginning for Verde Dandé. At the next committee meeting, I’m going to propose that all 139 homes in the community be painted battleship grey and that razor wire be strung around its borders to keep out undesirables like alligators, kids, and Democrats.”
Google Names YouTube Spin-Offs
Google Names YouTube Spin-Offs
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Chief economist at Google, Hal Varian, announced that YouTube, acquired by the search-engine giant in 2007, will spin off a separate entity, YouCrap, to deal with the increased flood of home videos uploaded to its servers. “We want to differentiate newsworthy material from the ton of crappy stuff we get every second of the day,” said Varian. “We felt we had to distinguish things like Japanese toilet pranks and skateboard disasters from worthwhile videos like Lady Gaga and her sparking bra. YouCrap will satisfy the insatiable demand of video contributors who love to bore the crap out of each other—hence the name.”
If successful, other spin-offs could evolve, including YouBoobs, YouButt, YouIncoherentRanting, and YouOffkeySinging, among others. YouWhatsWithJacquesDerrida was dropped after it was determined that such a subset would match the interests of YouIncoherentRanting’s viewership. However, some potential was seen with niche categories such as YouWienerWolfing, YouBulimiaBarfing, YouWalmartWaddler, and other diet-related abnormalities.
Varian expanded on his company’s philosophy, saying, “As with all Google initiatives, the YouTube spin-offs will be in beta mode indefinitely. In this way, we can improve the crap that pays and ditch the rest. For example, there’s a natural synergy between YouBoob and the bra and plastics industries, a mélange that envelops both the A- and B-cup gals and their significant others, particularly those with penile implants. We expect ancillary revenues from ad tie-ins to expand dramatically in parallel with the increased dimensions of nation’s breasts and male members.”
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Chief economist at Google, Hal Varian, announced that YouTube, acquired by the search-engine giant in 2007, will spin off a separate entity, YouCrap, to deal with the increased flood of home videos uploaded to its servers. “We want to differentiate newsworthy material from the ton of crappy stuff we get every second of the day,” said Varian. “We felt we had to distinguish things like Japanese toilet pranks and skateboard disasters from worthwhile videos like Lady Gaga and her sparking bra. YouCrap will satisfy the insatiable demand of video contributors who love to bore the crap out of each other—hence the name.”
If successful, other spin-offs could evolve, including YouBoobs, YouButt, YouIncoherentRanting, and YouOffkeySinging, among others. YouWhatsWithJacquesDerrida was dropped after it was determined that such a subset would match the interests of YouIncoherentRanting’s viewership. However, some potential was seen with niche categories such as YouWienerWolfing, YouBulimiaBarfing, YouWalmartWaddler, and other diet-related abnormalities.
Varian expanded on his company’s philosophy, saying, “As with all Google initiatives, the YouTube spin-offs will be in beta mode indefinitely. In this way, we can improve the crap that pays and ditch the rest. For example, there’s a natural synergy between YouBoob and the bra and plastics industries, a mélange that envelops both the A- and B-cup gals and their significant others, particularly those with penile implants. We expect ancillary revenues from ad tie-ins to expand dramatically in parallel with the increased dimensions of nation’s breasts and male members.”
Sales of Attack Chipmunks Rise
Sales of Attack Chipmunks Rise
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — The Wall Street Journal reported that sales of attack chipmunks increased dramatically in 2009. It estimates that more than 270 thousand of the small rodents have been purchased by Americans in response to terrorist threats since 2001. Moose Rodin, president of Incisors-for-Hire©, said that his operation near Waco, Texas trained and sold 2,200 packs of the vicious animals in the past two years. (Attack chipmunks are generally sold in packs of 10.)
“We expect to double our sales in 2010,” said Rodin. “Their extremely territorial nature allows us to re-channel that aspect of their persona into a kind of take-no-prisoners attitude when it comes to fending off intruders and terrorists. In fact, I’ve just signed a contract with the Defense Department to provide 100 ChipPacks® for Marines in Afghanistan, where they’ll be used to secure defensive perimeters in remote areas.”
A tour of Rodin’s facility by Giuseppe Nunzio of INS was an eye-opener. “I always thought of chipmunks as cute little acorn-eaters,” reported Nunzio. “First I went through the chipmunk barracks, where cagefuls of the little brutes reared up and snarled at me, gnashing out with their razor-sharp yellow teeth. Then I went to the training area where drill instructors ran them though an obstacle course and had them attack robed-and-turbaned dummies. Of course, they spend hours conditioning on spinning treadmills. It was quite impressive.”
Celebrities and other notables are major purchasers. Ellen DeGeneres has more than ten packs, all of which sleep with her. Rush Limbaugh tried a pack, but his insistence that they share his rigid diet of goose-liver pâté and Fritos led to their premature deaths from heart attack and stroke.
60Minutes will air a segment devoted attack chipmunks in late 2010.
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — The Wall Street Journal reported that sales of attack chipmunks increased dramatically in 2009. It estimates that more than 270 thousand of the small rodents have been purchased by Americans in response to terrorist threats since 2001. Moose Rodin, president of Incisors-for-Hire©, said that his operation near Waco, Texas trained and sold 2,200 packs of the vicious animals in the past two years. (Attack chipmunks are generally sold in packs of 10.)
“We expect to double our sales in 2010,” said Rodin. “Their extremely territorial nature allows us to re-channel that aspect of their persona into a kind of take-no-prisoners attitude when it comes to fending off intruders and terrorists. In fact, I’ve just signed a contract with the Defense Department to provide 100 ChipPacks® for Marines in Afghanistan, where they’ll be used to secure defensive perimeters in remote areas.”
A tour of Rodin’s facility by Giuseppe Nunzio of INS was an eye-opener. “I always thought of chipmunks as cute little acorn-eaters,” reported Nunzio. “First I went through the chipmunk barracks, where cagefuls of the little brutes reared up and snarled at me, gnashing out with their razor-sharp yellow teeth. Then I went to the training area where drill instructors ran them though an obstacle course and had them attack robed-and-turbaned dummies. Of course, they spend hours conditioning on spinning treadmills. It was quite impressive.”
Celebrities and other notables are major purchasers. Ellen DeGeneres has more than ten packs, all of which sleep with her. Rush Limbaugh tried a pack, but his insistence that they share his rigid diet of goose-liver pâté and Fritos led to their premature deaths from heart attack and stroke.
60Minutes will air a segment devoted attack chipmunks in late 2010.
NIH: Iceberg Lettuce “Useless”
NIH: Iceberg Lettuce “Useless”
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — During his weekly press briefing, Gerhard Veracity, a spokesman for the National Institutes of Health (NIH), said that consuming iceberg lettuce is a “useless exercise in mastication” and that you “might as well eat wet wallboard, unless it’s made in China in which case it’s loaded with certain vital nutrients that come from duck-farm manure used as a binding agent.” When reminded that Chinese wallboard has been found to be toxic because of high levels of heavy metals, Veracity replied, “True, true, but a related study found that it builds strong teeth, although the side effect of phosphorescence is somewhat alarming.”
R. Greenleaf Crisp, president of the National Iceberg Lettuce League (NILL), countered Veracity’s claim during the league’s annual conference held in Salinas, California. “Iceberg lettuce forms the foundation of the American salad bowl. It’s flavorless and, except for the outer leaves, is almost colorless, which means that it doesn’t interfere with the magic of a Wishbone or Newman’s salad dressing topped with a generous portion of Bacos, all of which have nutritive value, except for those things on their labels dreamed up by the boys at ADM that nobody can pronounce.”
Roger I. Wilcome, dietary guru to numerous Hollywood celebrities, was found with two Rock Hudson look-a-likes in the Dionysus Inn on Vine Street. “The NIH is bent on wrecking my livelihood, and right after receiving stimulus money from the Feds. I’ve been pushing iceberg lettuce for years, saying it led one down the path to colonic health. ‘Bigger Heads for Better Health’ is on all my scented stationary. Look at Chad and Winslow here. Have you ever seen smoother skin? It’s all because they gobble nothing but the best heads.”
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — During his weekly press briefing, Gerhard Veracity, a spokesman for the National Institutes of Health (NIH), said that consuming iceberg lettuce is a “useless exercise in mastication” and that you “might as well eat wet wallboard, unless it’s made in China in which case it’s loaded with certain vital nutrients that come from duck-farm manure used as a binding agent.” When reminded that Chinese wallboard has been found to be toxic because of high levels of heavy metals, Veracity replied, “True, true, but a related study found that it builds strong teeth, although the side effect of phosphorescence is somewhat alarming.”
R. Greenleaf Crisp, president of the National Iceberg Lettuce League (NILL), countered Veracity’s claim during the league’s annual conference held in Salinas, California. “Iceberg lettuce forms the foundation of the American salad bowl. It’s flavorless and, except for the outer leaves, is almost colorless, which means that it doesn’t interfere with the magic of a Wishbone or Newman’s salad dressing topped with a generous portion of Bacos, all of which have nutritive value, except for those things on their labels dreamed up by the boys at ADM that nobody can pronounce.”
Roger I. Wilcome, dietary guru to numerous Hollywood celebrities, was found with two Rock Hudson look-a-likes in the Dionysus Inn on Vine Street. “The NIH is bent on wrecking my livelihood, and right after receiving stimulus money from the Feds. I’ve been pushing iceberg lettuce for years, saying it led one down the path to colonic health. ‘Bigger Heads for Better Health’ is on all my scented stationary. Look at Chad and Winslow here. Have you ever seen smoother skin? It’s all because they gobble nothing but the best heads.”
Glenn Beck: “Drain, Baby, Drain!”
Glenn Beck: “Drain, Baby, Drain!”
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Fox News’ Glenn Beck announced the results of a week-long conference he organized to find a way to deal with oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico from the destroyed BP drilling rig: “The best long-term solution would be to drain all the water from the Gulf of Mexico so that the oil can be recovered with minimal damage to the ecosystem while at the same time ensuring BP’s profitability. BP could then, of course, run a pipeline directly to a Louisiana refinery. Just think—oystermen and shrimpers could harvest their catch using farmers’ combines instead of having to risk their lives on the water.”
The benefits to all concerned are obvious, claimed Beck, who has been in touch with Dick Cheney, former chair of Halliburton. “Dick told me that the way to expedite the whole operation would be to tender a no-bid contract to Halliburton, since his former company perfected this business method in the early decades of the Iraq war. He has assured me that a levee could be built between the Florida Everglades and the Cancun, Mexico in a matter of weeks. Then it’s simply a matter of getting that creepy governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal, to position the state’s fire trucks along the levee and pump all the water out of the Gulf.”
One concern is the fact that illegal aliens would have additional access to hundreds of miles of coastal America’s borders, plus the question was raised about what to do with the continuing flow of water from the Mississippi River. “No problem,” countered Beck. “We could just direct that water up the Rio Grande. That ditch has been damn-near dry for 50 years anyway. Help with the illegals nuisance too.”
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Fox News’ Glenn Beck announced the results of a week-long conference he organized to find a way to deal with oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico from the destroyed BP drilling rig: “The best long-term solution would be to drain all the water from the Gulf of Mexico so that the oil can be recovered with minimal damage to the ecosystem while at the same time ensuring BP’s profitability. BP could then, of course, run a pipeline directly to a Louisiana refinery. Just think—oystermen and shrimpers could harvest their catch using farmers’ combines instead of having to risk their lives on the water.”
The benefits to all concerned are obvious, claimed Beck, who has been in touch with Dick Cheney, former chair of Halliburton. “Dick told me that the way to expedite the whole operation would be to tender a no-bid contract to Halliburton, since his former company perfected this business method in the early decades of the Iraq war. He has assured me that a levee could be built between the Florida Everglades and the Cancun, Mexico in a matter of weeks. Then it’s simply a matter of getting that creepy governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal, to position the state’s fire trucks along the levee and pump all the water out of the Gulf.”
One concern is the fact that illegal aliens would have additional access to hundreds of miles of coastal America’s borders, plus the question was raised about what to do with the continuing flow of water from the Mississippi River. “No problem,” countered Beck. “We could just direct that water up the Rio Grande. That ditch has been damn-near dry for 50 years anyway. Help with the illegals nuisance too.”
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Goin’ Back to Ocracoke
Goin’ Back to Ocracoke
By Bill Britton
Each spring I heed the sand dunes’ call and pack the campin’ gear:
the best Dead discs, the fishin’ poles, a case or two of beer.
The risin’ sun draws me south to sandy isles they named
the Outer Banks where Teach’s wealth lies buried and unclaimed.
I cross the bridge at Currituck with Kitty Hawk in view
and one eye out for state police who thirst for revenue.
Goin’ back to Ocracoke, the land of goodsome folks
who look on summer lads like me as migratory jokes.
Dingbatters all, we try our best to mummock them the least,
but quamished looks reveal the fact we’ve driven too far east.
Pea Island’s sign reminds me soon of liquids drunk en route.
I stop to ease my achin’ gut midst poison ivy shoots.
The itch won’t start to drive me mad until a night has passed,
then calamine and sea-salt soaks will lend relief at last.
I wave at Avon, Buxton too, and Frisco’s scalawags,
then charter boats at Hatteras wave back at me with flags.
I rumble ‘cross the ferry ramp onto the steel-plate decks
and weave between the channel gates and shoals designed for wrecks.
I dash down 12, the first car off, “Hello, Molasses Creek,”
mosquito hoardes a-lyin’ low, a-honin’ bloody beaks.
The campground sign spurs me on, the village is close by,
my cubes of ice a mem’ry now, my beer as hot as pie.
The V’riety Store glows in mist, I slow to twenty per
and nudge my sleepy soulmate who is growlin’ like a cur.
Her carpin’ fails to faze me as I walk in through the door
with visions of a peaceful sea, Bikinied babes galore.
“Two bags of ice, if you please, and what’s the current price?”
“Sorry sir, but I’ve bad news. We’ve just run out of ice.”
I’m back again in Ocracoke, the land of goodsome folks
who look on summer lads like me as migratory jokes.
Dingbatters all, we try our best to mummock them the least,
but quamished looks reveal the fact, we’ve driven too far east.
By Bill Britton
Each spring I heed the sand dunes’ call and pack the campin’ gear:
the best Dead discs, the fishin’ poles, a case or two of beer.
The risin’ sun draws me south to sandy isles they named
the Outer Banks where Teach’s wealth lies buried and unclaimed.
I cross the bridge at Currituck with Kitty Hawk in view
and one eye out for state police who thirst for revenue.
Goin’ back to Ocracoke, the land of goodsome folks
who look on summer lads like me as migratory jokes.
Dingbatters all, we try our best to mummock them the least,
but quamished looks reveal the fact we’ve driven too far east.
Pea Island’s sign reminds me soon of liquids drunk en route.
I stop to ease my achin’ gut midst poison ivy shoots.
The itch won’t start to drive me mad until a night has passed,
then calamine and sea-salt soaks will lend relief at last.
I wave at Avon, Buxton too, and Frisco’s scalawags,
then charter boats at Hatteras wave back at me with flags.
I rumble ‘cross the ferry ramp onto the steel-plate decks
and weave between the channel gates and shoals designed for wrecks.
I dash down 12, the first car off, “Hello, Molasses Creek,”
mosquito hoardes a-lyin’ low, a-honin’ bloody beaks.
The campground sign spurs me on, the village is close by,
my cubes of ice a mem’ry now, my beer as hot as pie.
The V’riety Store glows in mist, I slow to twenty per
and nudge my sleepy soulmate who is growlin’ like a cur.
Her carpin’ fails to faze me as I walk in through the door
with visions of a peaceful sea, Bikinied babes galore.
“Two bags of ice, if you please, and what’s the current price?”
“Sorry sir, but I’ve bad news. We’ve just run out of ice.”
I’m back again in Ocracoke, the land of goodsome folks
who look on summer lads like me as migratory jokes.
Dingbatters all, we try our best to mummock them the least,
but quamished looks reveal the fact, we’ve driven too far east.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
I.Q. of Intelligent Design’s Creator Pegged at 78
I.Q. of Intelligent Design’s Creator Pegged at 78
By Bill Britton
After a series of exhaustive tests, researchers at the U.S. Department of Education have found that the “higher being” responsible for Intelligent Design (ID) has an IQ of 78. This number falls within a range signifying “borderline deficiency in intelligence.” The release of the news sparked a number of protests around the country. John H. Calvert, Managing Director of the ID Network, claimed that the test was unfair: “How can a two-hour test be fair? It took God millions of years to design the human eye. How can He be expected to complete a 100-word quiz in two hours? I never said He was a Mensa candidate.”
Leading atheist Richard Dawkins disputed the findings. “I cannot attest to the validity of this, quote, ‘God,’ being the Big Banger himself, or herself, for that matter. I believe He should undergo rigorous scrutiny. For example, can He recite the Bible and Qur’an word-for-word? Where’s his laboratory? I think the whole thing’s a sham meant to equate His intelligence with the typical believer’s. Ask the folks stranded by volcanic ash if they think He’s so clever. Ask the people in Haiti, for that matter.”
Education Secretary Arne Duncan said that “it looks like God never had the benefit of the ‘No Child Left Behind’ program. Perhaps we can get Him some remedial help. First I’d have to check with Director Pete Orszag over at the Office of Management and Budget to see if we can come up with the necessary money. If not, we could always get a smaller White House Christmas tree this year and sign on a tutor funded with the savings.”
By Bill Britton
After a series of exhaustive tests, researchers at the U.S. Department of Education have found that the “higher being” responsible for Intelligent Design (ID) has an IQ of 78. This number falls within a range signifying “borderline deficiency in intelligence.” The release of the news sparked a number of protests around the country. John H. Calvert, Managing Director of the ID Network, claimed that the test was unfair: “How can a two-hour test be fair? It took God millions of years to design the human eye. How can He be expected to complete a 100-word quiz in two hours? I never said He was a Mensa candidate.”
Leading atheist Richard Dawkins disputed the findings. “I cannot attest to the validity of this, quote, ‘God,’ being the Big Banger himself, or herself, for that matter. I believe He should undergo rigorous scrutiny. For example, can He recite the Bible and Qur’an word-for-word? Where’s his laboratory? I think the whole thing’s a sham meant to equate His intelligence with the typical believer’s. Ask the folks stranded by volcanic ash if they think He’s so clever. Ask the people in Haiti, for that matter.”
Education Secretary Arne Duncan said that “it looks like God never had the benefit of the ‘No Child Left Behind’ program. Perhaps we can get Him some remedial help. First I’d have to check with Director Pete Orszag over at the Office of Management and Budget to see if we can come up with the necessary money. If not, we could always get a smaller White House Christmas tree this year and sign on a tutor funded with the savings.”
Coleman Tent to Tailor Suits for Limbaugh
Coleman Tent to Tailor Suits for Limbaugh
By Bill Britton
The Coleman Company announced today that it has signed a contract with Rush Limbaugh to make the media personality’s garments. CEO Sam Solomon said that “Coleman is uniquely qualified to fabricate Mr. Limbaugh’s clothing. Our oversize equipment is designed to sew family-size tents. Why not clothing of similar dimensions? Our tent fabric can take any amount of abuse, from excessive perspiration to teeth-gnashing. We just need to test it to see if it can tolerate mouth foam.”
Recognizing Limbaugh’s special needs, Coleman is designing a suit with a pocket large enough to hold a 48-quart Coleman cooler. Stitched into the collar will be a back-up camera similar to those found in motor homes, which will allow him to maneuver in close quarters. Back-up warning beepers will be integrated as well, since his bulk makes this mandatory in most states.
“All of Mr. Limbaugh’s clothing will be sewn to the highest standards,” said Solomon, “and each item will be expandable by employing quick-release fabric looseners and through the extensive incorporation of NASA-grade elastics. Neckties large enough to accommodate Mr. Limbaugh’s 32-inch neck will be a challenge, but we expect to subcontract them to an area upholsterer.”
To offset the cost of the suits especially, Limbaugh is expected to sell advertizing space on his outer garments. Two companies in particular have shown interest and include Häagen-Dazs and Burger King. At a joint news conference, company representatives agreed that both have done for Limbaugh what they hope to do for America.
By Bill Britton
The Coleman Company announced today that it has signed a contract with Rush Limbaugh to make the media personality’s garments. CEO Sam Solomon said that “Coleman is uniquely qualified to fabricate Mr. Limbaugh’s clothing. Our oversize equipment is designed to sew family-size tents. Why not clothing of similar dimensions? Our tent fabric can take any amount of abuse, from excessive perspiration to teeth-gnashing. We just need to test it to see if it can tolerate mouth foam.”
Recognizing Limbaugh’s special needs, Coleman is designing a suit with a pocket large enough to hold a 48-quart Coleman cooler. Stitched into the collar will be a back-up camera similar to those found in motor homes, which will allow him to maneuver in close quarters. Back-up warning beepers will be integrated as well, since his bulk makes this mandatory in most states.
“All of Mr. Limbaugh’s clothing will be sewn to the highest standards,” said Solomon, “and each item will be expandable by employing quick-release fabric looseners and through the extensive incorporation of NASA-grade elastics. Neckties large enough to accommodate Mr. Limbaugh’s 32-inch neck will be a challenge, but we expect to subcontract them to an area upholsterer.”
To offset the cost of the suits especially, Limbaugh is expected to sell advertizing space on his outer garments. Two companies in particular have shown interest and include Häagen-Dazs and Burger King. At a joint news conference, company representatives agreed that both have done for Limbaugh what they hope to do for America.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Palin Given Top Spot at ASHOL
Palin Given Top Spot at ASHOL
By Bill Britton
Sarah Palin’s publicist, Rick Maver, announced today that Alaska’s former governor has been signed on as head of ASHOL (American Society of Hateful and Odious Loonies). Society headquarters are located in Clayton, Michigan, where a number of similar organizations are based, including Hutaree, whose members believe that the Antichrist is attempting to establish a "New World Order" and that all law enforcement officials are part of the conspiracy and must be killed.
Maver said that Palin “would be a great asset to ASHOL” and that she would “take on the commie Democrats and kick butt.” Earlier attempts to sign on Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) as chairperson failed because of her heavy schedule as Fox News’ unofficial Washington correspondent. Said Bachmann, “I have every confidence that Sarah will take charge of all the ASHOLs around the country and help flush liberal America down the toilet.”
Palin said that she will continue to work closely with the Tea Party movement: “There are a large number of Tea Party ASHOLs who would kinda’ like to see the two organizations merge. Together we can work to put the squeeze on the Democrats during the midterm elections and send them on down the tract, er, track.”
The ASHOL movement has a long history in the United States. Prominent ASHOLs include Republican National Committee chair Richard Steele, former history professor Newt Gingrich, and House Republican Leader John Boehner, who has fought long and hard to penetrate and destroy the liberal bloc. ASHOL t-shirts are available from SarahPAC for $17.76 plus S&H.
By Bill Britton
Sarah Palin’s publicist, Rick Maver, announced today that Alaska’s former governor has been signed on as head of ASHOL (American Society of Hateful and Odious Loonies). Society headquarters are located in Clayton, Michigan, where a number of similar organizations are based, including Hutaree, whose members believe that the Antichrist is attempting to establish a "New World Order" and that all law enforcement officials are part of the conspiracy and must be killed.
Maver said that Palin “would be a great asset to ASHOL” and that she would “take on the commie Democrats and kick butt.” Earlier attempts to sign on Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) as chairperson failed because of her heavy schedule as Fox News’ unofficial Washington correspondent. Said Bachmann, “I have every confidence that Sarah will take charge of all the ASHOLs around the country and help flush liberal America down the toilet.”
Palin said that she will continue to work closely with the Tea Party movement: “There are a large number of Tea Party ASHOLs who would kinda’ like to see the two organizations merge. Together we can work to put the squeeze on the Democrats during the midterm elections and send them on down the tract, er, track.”
The ASHOL movement has a long history in the United States. Prominent ASHOLs include Republican National Committee chair Richard Steele, former history professor Newt Gingrich, and House Republican Leader John Boehner, who has fought long and hard to penetrate and destroy the liberal bloc. ASHOL t-shirts are available from SarahPAC for $17.76 plus S&H.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
CNN: Tsunami Baloney
CNN: Tsunami Baloney
By Bill Britton
Atlanta, GA (INS). CNN president Jonathan Klein expressed dismay at the disappointing results from Saturday’s tsunami. “We had news feeds set up from California to Pango Pango, wherever the heck that is, and what did we get? I’ve seen bigger ripples in my grandson’s wading pool.”
Klein has called a meeting of CNN’s top executives to discuss future tsunami marketing plans for its Disaster Division. “We thought we could do this with inside staff,” said Klein, “but Nancy Grace got so excited that her accent became incoherent. We would have been better off with Christiane Amanpour, despite her hair. And Sanjay was worn out from his Haiti stint.”
A confidential source at CNN said that attempts to lure David Shuster away from MSNBC failed. Shuster’s non-stop speaking style apparently impressed Klein and would have been a complementary offset to Larry King’s sometimes dithering reportage. Shuster is said to be recuperating at home and is no longer is connected to an oxygen tank.
The same source revealed that negotiations with Disney’s Pixar to assume the reins of CNN’s Disaster Division are nearing completion. Apparently, a Buzz Lightyear look-a-like is being considered with voiceovers provided by Dennis Haysbert, the spokesman for Allstate Insurance, whose sonorous intonations have staunched the flow of customers toward GEICO and its precious gecko.
Pixar has privately assured CNN that its latest animation technology will allow Lightyear’s character to be superimposed onto Haysbert’s face. Still to be decided is the flesh color, although Pantone shade number A1864F, a tan hue, is felt to be a satisfactory compromise between Haysbert and Lightyear’s skin tones.
By Bill Britton
Atlanta, GA (INS). CNN president Jonathan Klein expressed dismay at the disappointing results from Saturday’s tsunami. “We had news feeds set up from California to Pango Pango, wherever the heck that is, and what did we get? I’ve seen bigger ripples in my grandson’s wading pool.”
Klein has called a meeting of CNN’s top executives to discuss future tsunami marketing plans for its Disaster Division. “We thought we could do this with inside staff,” said Klein, “but Nancy Grace got so excited that her accent became incoherent. We would have been better off with Christiane Amanpour, despite her hair. And Sanjay was worn out from his Haiti stint.”
A confidential source at CNN said that attempts to lure David Shuster away from MSNBC failed. Shuster’s non-stop speaking style apparently impressed Klein and would have been a complementary offset to Larry King’s sometimes dithering reportage. Shuster is said to be recuperating at home and is no longer is connected to an oxygen tank.
The same source revealed that negotiations with Disney’s Pixar to assume the reins of CNN’s Disaster Division are nearing completion. Apparently, a Buzz Lightyear look-a-like is being considered with voiceovers provided by Dennis Haysbert, the spokesman for Allstate Insurance, whose sonorous intonations have staunched the flow of customers toward GEICO and its precious gecko.
Pixar has privately assured CNN that its latest animation technology will allow Lightyear’s character to be superimposed onto Haysbert’s face. Still to be decided is the flesh color, although Pantone shade number A1864F, a tan hue, is felt to be a satisfactory compromise between Haysbert and Lightyear’s skin tones.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
PGA Presents Plan for Recycling Goose Droppings
PGA Presents Plan for Recycling Goose Droppings
By Bill Britton
INS News — The PGA presented a plan today to offset the cost of cleaning up the Canada goose droppings that plague golf courses around the country. Speaking on behalf of its membership, PGA President M.G. Orender traced the history of the Canada goose and its effects on America’s number one pastime.
“The Canada goose is a non-native species,” Orender stated. “Their arrival in this country began with the expulsion of several Canadian newscasters from the repressive regime to the north. The Department of Homeland Security has assured me that our northern border will be fortified to prevent further intrusions by either species.” Canada geese can be recognized by their distinctive call, which sounds like a nasal “oot.” In a strange coincidence, Canadian broadcasters utter the same sound when they pronounce the word “out.”
The PGA plan calls for converting ice hockey’s Zambonis to collect the droppings, which will then be steamed to destroy harmful bacteria. The objective is to produce a palatable goose liver pâté substitute from the muck. Laboratory efforts have yielded a product that is similar to pâté in texture and taste. However, saturated fat levels are much lower.
To avoid confusion with pâté de foie gras, initial marketing will use the trade name, “Pâté de Pooh Gras.” Hormel Foods has agreed to process the first run of Pooh Gras. First-year revenue estimates are pegged at $30 to $50 million.
Hormel pooh-poohed the rumor that Tiger Woods would be its spokesperson, but French conglomerate Peugeot has expressed interest in licensing the name Pooh Gras as a brand enhancer for its fine line of automobiles. “The synergy between Peugeot and Pooh Gras is un gagnant,” joked chairman Pierre Peugeot as he left Hormel headquarters
By Bill Britton
INS News — The PGA presented a plan today to offset the cost of cleaning up the Canada goose droppings that plague golf courses around the country. Speaking on behalf of its membership, PGA President M.G. Orender traced the history of the Canada goose and its effects on America’s number one pastime.
“The Canada goose is a non-native species,” Orender stated. “Their arrival in this country began with the expulsion of several Canadian newscasters from the repressive regime to the north. The Department of Homeland Security has assured me that our northern border will be fortified to prevent further intrusions by either species.” Canada geese can be recognized by their distinctive call, which sounds like a nasal “oot.” In a strange coincidence, Canadian broadcasters utter the same sound when they pronounce the word “out.”
The PGA plan calls for converting ice hockey’s Zambonis to collect the droppings, which will then be steamed to destroy harmful bacteria. The objective is to produce a palatable goose liver pâté substitute from the muck. Laboratory efforts have yielded a product that is similar to pâté in texture and taste. However, saturated fat levels are much lower.
To avoid confusion with pâté de foie gras, initial marketing will use the trade name, “Pâté de Pooh Gras.” Hormel Foods has agreed to process the first run of Pooh Gras. First-year revenue estimates are pegged at $30 to $50 million.
Hormel pooh-poohed the rumor that Tiger Woods would be its spokesperson, but French conglomerate Peugeot has expressed interest in licensing the name Pooh Gras as a brand enhancer for its fine line of automobiles. “The synergy between Peugeot and Pooh Gras is un gagnant,” joked chairman Pierre Peugeot as he left Hormel headquarters
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Mississippi Schools to Ban Reading
Mississippi Schools to Ban Reading
By Bill Britton
In an effort to delist Mississippi as the third-lowest ranking school in national test scores of reading ability, Governor Haley Barbour has decided to ban reading in public schools: “The people of the great state of Mississippi will no longer tolerate this form of humiliation being foisted upon them by the pointy-eared intellectual elite.” When reminded that the intellectual elite actually have pointy heads, he responded, “Not the ones I’ve seen. Just think of Spock in Star Trek.”
To reinforce the ban, Mississippi will institute a new program called DIM (Dumb in Mississippi), which is to replace the current All Children Left Underteached (ACLU) syllabus. This change is necessary because the American Civil Liberties Union brought suit in Federal Court in an effort to prohibit the use of the acronym ACLU by the state, claiming copyright infringement. L.T. Senter, Jr., Senior District Court Judge, ruled in favor of the ACLU, saying, “In the cote’s opinion, Mississippi ain’t got no claim to these four lettas. ‘ Sides, the cote believes they dumb asses betta off with DIM, which they is anyways.”
To counter Mississippi’s initiative, Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana has asked his legislature to adopt a new program called DULL (Dumb Under Louisiana Law). “This will enable us to continue our race to the bottom and mebbe beat out D.C. Without it, literacy rates will clahm, which will allow more voters to unnerstan’ what’s goin’ on in guv’ment.”
In Washington, Education Secretary Arne Duncan said that he has adopted a hands-off approach: “What difference would it make? What with global warming on top of the possibility of another Katrina, both states will become swamp buggy heaven in a few years. Then Mississippi and Louisiana can battle it out for the bottom spot in the Gulf of Mexico.”
By Bill Britton
In an effort to delist Mississippi as the third-lowest ranking school in national test scores of reading ability, Governor Haley Barbour has decided to ban reading in public schools: “The people of the great state of Mississippi will no longer tolerate this form of humiliation being foisted upon them by the pointy-eared intellectual elite.” When reminded that the intellectual elite actually have pointy heads, he responded, “Not the ones I’ve seen. Just think of Spock in Star Trek.”
To reinforce the ban, Mississippi will institute a new program called DIM (Dumb in Mississippi), which is to replace the current All Children Left Underteached (ACLU) syllabus. This change is necessary because the American Civil Liberties Union brought suit in Federal Court in an effort to prohibit the use of the acronym ACLU by the state, claiming copyright infringement. L.T. Senter, Jr., Senior District Court Judge, ruled in favor of the ACLU, saying, “In the cote’s opinion, Mississippi ain’t got no claim to these four lettas. ‘ Sides, the cote believes they dumb asses betta off with DIM, which they is anyways.”
To counter Mississippi’s initiative, Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana has asked his legislature to adopt a new program called DULL (Dumb Under Louisiana Law). “This will enable us to continue our race to the bottom and mebbe beat out D.C. Without it, literacy rates will clahm, which will allow more voters to unnerstan’ what’s goin’ on in guv’ment.”
In Washington, Education Secretary Arne Duncan said that he has adopted a hands-off approach: “What difference would it make? What with global warming on top of the possibility of another Katrina, both states will become swamp buggy heaven in a few years. Then Mississippi and Louisiana can battle it out for the bottom spot in the Gulf of Mexico.”
Sunday, January 3, 2010
How are things in Tora Bora?
How are things in Tora Bora?
(Sung to the tune, “How Are Things in Glocca Morra?”)
By Bill Britton
How are things in Tora Bora?
Is that Saudi creep still sleeping there?
Does he miss his friends in Khanabad,
in Kabul town, or in sandy Kandahar?
How are things in Tora Bora?
Are the Daisy Cutters still dropping there?
Is his turban still pulled o'er his ears?
Is there a need each day
to change his underwear,
does he really care not to breathe fresh air?
So I ask the Special Forces
and Marines along the way,
and each goat that comes a-singin'
"Yea, yea, yea":
Is it time for O bin Laden's auto-de-fe?
Is it time for O bin Laden's auto-de-fe?
(Sung to the tune, “How Are Things in Glocca Morra?”)
By Bill Britton
How are things in Tora Bora?
Is that Saudi creep still sleeping there?
Does he miss his friends in Khanabad,
in Kabul town, or in sandy Kandahar?
How are things in Tora Bora?
Are the Daisy Cutters still dropping there?
Is his turban still pulled o'er his ears?
Is there a need each day
to change his underwear,
does he really care not to breathe fresh air?
So I ask the Special Forces
and Marines along the way,
and each goat that comes a-singin'
"Yea, yea, yea":
Is it time for O bin Laden's auto-de-fe?
Is it time for O bin Laden's auto-de-fe?
Friday, January 1, 2010
Walmart to Offer Terrorist Accessories
Walmart to Offer Terrorist Accessories
By Bill Britton
Recognizing shifting U.S. demographics, Walmart’s 2010 product line will include useful accessories specifically designed to appeal to the terrorist segment. “This is an important customer group for us,” said Walmart spokesperson Shabaella Fou. “Plus it promises excellent long-term growth.”
The initial offering will be restricted to three products. “We want to see what’s most viable for the active terrorist. Focus group results have indicated that the items should be both practical and stylish.” Fou’s assistant Randy Heedless continued, “The products should exude a sense of mystery and intrigue, as well as appeal to all ethnicities, from IRA bombers to Chetznian rebels.”
Heading up the list of new products is “Bomb Thongs for Men®,” which come in Guantanamo Grey, Dynamite Red, and Crazy-Man Stripes. The thongs feature multiple pockets attached to the waistband, two of which are pre-wired for detonation devices. An equivalent for women, “Bomb Thongs for Gals®,” will be offered in the fall.
An ADA-approved walker, with a capacity of 2 pounds of plastic explosives or six sticks of dynamite, will be available for the older terrorist. The “Wanker-Walker®,” designed by I.M. Wanker, includes a detailed instruction book and a 3-ounce spray can of bat guano essence, which, when applied to underarms, will deter body searches by airport security personnel or border guards.
In Walmart’s effort to appeal to all age groups, an “Osama Squeeze-Me Doll®” in various skin tones will come to market for the 2010 Holiday season. A pressure-sensitive trigger is hidden in its chubby cheeks and wired to the explosives compartment. With a suggested retail price of $18.99 (batteries and explosives not included), Walmart executives expect the doll to exceed Barbie® sales by a factor of two.
All products are being offered with a money-back guarantee.
By Bill Britton
Recognizing shifting U.S. demographics, Walmart’s 2010 product line will include useful accessories specifically designed to appeal to the terrorist segment. “This is an important customer group for us,” said Walmart spokesperson Shabaella Fou. “Plus it promises excellent long-term growth.”
The initial offering will be restricted to three products. “We want to see what’s most viable for the active terrorist. Focus group results have indicated that the items should be both practical and stylish.” Fou’s assistant Randy Heedless continued, “The products should exude a sense of mystery and intrigue, as well as appeal to all ethnicities, from IRA bombers to Chetznian rebels.”
Heading up the list of new products is “Bomb Thongs for Men®,” which come in Guantanamo Grey, Dynamite Red, and Crazy-Man Stripes. The thongs feature multiple pockets attached to the waistband, two of which are pre-wired for detonation devices. An equivalent for women, “Bomb Thongs for Gals®,” will be offered in the fall.
An ADA-approved walker, with a capacity of 2 pounds of plastic explosives or six sticks of dynamite, will be available for the older terrorist. The “Wanker-Walker®,” designed by I.M. Wanker, includes a detailed instruction book and a 3-ounce spray can of bat guano essence, which, when applied to underarms, will deter body searches by airport security personnel or border guards.
In Walmart’s effort to appeal to all age groups, an “Osama Squeeze-Me Doll®” in various skin tones will come to market for the 2010 Holiday season. A pressure-sensitive trigger is hidden in its chubby cheeks and wired to the explosives compartment. With a suggested retail price of $18.99 (batteries and explosives not included), Walmart executives expect the doll to exceed Barbie® sales by a factor of two.
All products are being offered with a money-back guarantee.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Chinese Drywall Linked to both Global Warming and Infertility
Chinese Drywall Linked to both Global Warming and Infertility
By Bill Britton
Chinese drywall manufactured by Knauf Plasterboard in China and exported to the U.S. from 2001 to 2007 has been linked to both global warming and infertility. Earlier complaints included headaches and the corrosion of electrical wiring and plumbing pipes in homes.
As a practical joke, Knauf, from its headquarters in Germany, posted this statement on its website: “Constant improvement is a permanent objective of our company. The basic prerequisite for this is a strong quality management system.” Managing partner Nikolaus Knauf said that he “felt a lighter note was needed to ease homeowner stress.”
Regarding the global warming issue, Knauf believes this will help reduce overhead: “Now that the Arctic region has become ice-free in the warmer months, we’ll be able to reduce shipping mileage to the U.S. by as much as 10,000 nautical miles.”
In a more recent finding, Saprolegnia ferax, a pathogen, has been found in Chinese drywall. This pathogen leads to the “Ambrose Effect” and has been linked to infertility in amphibians. It was first identified by Otto Ambrose, a known Nazi chemist and director of the I.G. Farben Company, which supplied gasoline for Hitler's war effort.
Farben began producing S. ferax in large quantities with plans to release it during bombing attacks over regions harboring large Jewish populations—like New York’s Crown Heights—toward the end of World War II. Those plans were derailed once Hitler found out that his Minister of War Production, Albert Speer, had been producing imaginary Luftwaffe bombers for 18 months.
Suspicions are high that the Chinese government has similar plans for population control, ever since Chinese President Hu Jintao said to President Obama during his recent visit, “We Chinee have rearn many resson, rike how to eriminate poverty, but we can’t seem to rower Chinee ribido.”
By Bill Britton
Chinese drywall manufactured by Knauf Plasterboard in China and exported to the U.S. from 2001 to 2007 has been linked to both global warming and infertility. Earlier complaints included headaches and the corrosion of electrical wiring and plumbing pipes in homes.
As a practical joke, Knauf, from its headquarters in Germany, posted this statement on its website: “Constant improvement is a permanent objective of our company. The basic prerequisite for this is a strong quality management system.” Managing partner Nikolaus Knauf said that he “felt a lighter note was needed to ease homeowner stress.”
Regarding the global warming issue, Knauf believes this will help reduce overhead: “Now that the Arctic region has become ice-free in the warmer months, we’ll be able to reduce shipping mileage to the U.S. by as much as 10,000 nautical miles.”
In a more recent finding, Saprolegnia ferax, a pathogen, has been found in Chinese drywall. This pathogen leads to the “Ambrose Effect” and has been linked to infertility in amphibians. It was first identified by Otto Ambrose, a known Nazi chemist and director of the I.G. Farben Company, which supplied gasoline for Hitler's war effort.
Farben began producing S. ferax in large quantities with plans to release it during bombing attacks over regions harboring large Jewish populations—like New York’s Crown Heights—toward the end of World War II. Those plans were derailed once Hitler found out that his Minister of War Production, Albert Speer, had been producing imaginary Luftwaffe bombers for 18 months.
Suspicions are high that the Chinese government has similar plans for population control, ever since Chinese President Hu Jintao said to President Obama during his recent visit, “We Chinee have rearn many resson, rike how to eriminate poverty, but we can’t seem to rower Chinee ribido.”
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Obama Accepts Peace Prize in Oslo
Obama Accepts Peace Prize in Oslo
By Bill Britton
OSLO, NORWAY (December 10, 2009) — Today President Obama, our most prominent immigrant from Hawaii, accepted the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize amid some controversy. The Peace Prize is awarded each year to the world figure who can best hide his real intentions from the Nobel committee. The inventor of dynamite and creator of the awards, Alfred Nobel, would be especially pleased by this year’s selection.
The committee consists of five members—Thorbjørn Jagland, Kaci Kullmann Five, Sissel Marie Rønbeck, Inger-Marie Ytterhorn, and Ågot Valle—all of whom are, coincidentally, charter members of Oslo’s Dum Navnet Klubben (Silly Name Club). A delicious lunch was served by IKEA personnel under the watchful eye of founder Ingvar Kamprad, current president of Dum Navnet Klubben. Mr. Obama was asked by Kamprad to be an honorary member of the club.
After the ceremony, attendees were treated to a live demonstration by American mercenaries from Blackwater USA. Especially impressive was the shattering of a huge iceberg by a GBU-28 bunker buster. This was followed by a series of napalm strikes that crisscrossed a nearby fjord in the flag colors of the United States and Norway—red, white, and blue—to the accompaniment of Edvard Grieg’s “In the Hall of the Mountain King.”
During his acceptance speech, Mr. Obama said that the war in Iraq was “just a war,” but then corrected himself by saying it was “a just war.” He closed his speech with this call to action: “Let us reach for our guns when need be and ignite the passions of the crusader that still stirs within each of our souls.” Marwan Bishara, Al Jazeera's senior political analyst, responded by saying, “Holy Allah! Next thing they’ll be Knights Templar knocking on my mosque’s door.”
By Bill Britton
OSLO, NORWAY (December 10, 2009) — Today President Obama, our most prominent immigrant from Hawaii, accepted the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize amid some controversy. The Peace Prize is awarded each year to the world figure who can best hide his real intentions from the Nobel committee. The inventor of dynamite and creator of the awards, Alfred Nobel, would be especially pleased by this year’s selection.
The committee consists of five members—Thorbjørn Jagland, Kaci Kullmann Five, Sissel Marie Rønbeck, Inger-Marie Ytterhorn, and Ågot Valle—all of whom are, coincidentally, charter members of Oslo’s Dum Navnet Klubben (Silly Name Club). A delicious lunch was served by IKEA personnel under the watchful eye of founder Ingvar Kamprad, current president of Dum Navnet Klubben. Mr. Obama was asked by Kamprad to be an honorary member of the club.
After the ceremony, attendees were treated to a live demonstration by American mercenaries from Blackwater USA. Especially impressive was the shattering of a huge iceberg by a GBU-28 bunker buster. This was followed by a series of napalm strikes that crisscrossed a nearby fjord in the flag colors of the United States and Norway—red, white, and blue—to the accompaniment of Edvard Grieg’s “In the Hall of the Mountain King.”
During his acceptance speech, Mr. Obama said that the war in Iraq was “just a war,” but then corrected himself by saying it was “a just war.” He closed his speech with this call to action: “Let us reach for our guns when need be and ignite the passions of the crusader that still stirs within each of our souls.” Marwan Bishara, Al Jazeera's senior political analyst, responded by saying, “Holy Allah! Next thing they’ll be Knights Templar knocking on my mosque’s door.”
Friday, November 13, 2009
National Duct Tape Council Praises Bush
National Duct Tape Council Praises Bush
By Bill Britton
The normally apolitical National Duct Tape Council has issued a statement in support of former President Bush’s call to invade Canada. Chairman Herb Rimple explained the council’s reasoning at a televised news conference held in Crawford, Texas: “We at the council believe that President Bush is showing the way to a more secure nation. Duct tape has long been known as the ‘handyman’s secret weapon.’ Now its importance is being kicked up a notch with the council’s fresh slogan, ‘Duct Tape—America’s New Defense.’”
Bush turned aside reporters’ questions regarding Rimple’s possible appointment as Republican National Chairperson to replace Michael Steele. “Mr. Rimple’s leadership in the demanding field of duct tape development certainly qualifies him to be head of this organization. However, Mike Steele has done much to allay concerns that the word ‘compassionate’ has been taken out of the word ‘conservative.’ The party’s luncheon for street people in Washington is testimony to this.” (All were given empty Frigidaire cartons personally initialed by the former president.)
As anticipated, the National Duct Tape Council will soon be merging with the United Drop Cloth Association. The natural synergy of this union has been boosted by the logic of encouraging Americans to seal off a “clean room” in their homes that would keep them safe in the event of a chemical or biological attack.
Chairman George W. Buckley of the 3M Company joined Rimple with a pledge to “ramp up production so that no American will go tapeless.” To symbolize their commitment, Rimple and Buckley met with Tom Silva of TV’s award-winning program, This Old House, and announced that Silva will host a special edition of the program to be called, “Taping the Lincoln Bedroom—The First Family’s Clean Room,” which will feature President Obama as “First Taper.”
By Bill Britton
The normally apolitical National Duct Tape Council has issued a statement in support of former President Bush’s call to invade Canada. Chairman Herb Rimple explained the council’s reasoning at a televised news conference held in Crawford, Texas: “We at the council believe that President Bush is showing the way to a more secure nation. Duct tape has long been known as the ‘handyman’s secret weapon.’ Now its importance is being kicked up a notch with the council’s fresh slogan, ‘Duct Tape—America’s New Defense.’”
Bush turned aside reporters’ questions regarding Rimple’s possible appointment as Republican National Chairperson to replace Michael Steele. “Mr. Rimple’s leadership in the demanding field of duct tape development certainly qualifies him to be head of this organization. However, Mike Steele has done much to allay concerns that the word ‘compassionate’ has been taken out of the word ‘conservative.’ The party’s luncheon for street people in Washington is testimony to this.” (All were given empty Frigidaire cartons personally initialed by the former president.)
As anticipated, the National Duct Tape Council will soon be merging with the United Drop Cloth Association. The natural synergy of this union has been boosted by the logic of encouraging Americans to seal off a “clean room” in their homes that would keep them safe in the event of a chemical or biological attack.
Chairman George W. Buckley of the 3M Company joined Rimple with a pledge to “ramp up production so that no American will go tapeless.” To symbolize their commitment, Rimple and Buckley met with Tom Silva of TV’s award-winning program, This Old House, and announced that Silva will host a special edition of the program to be called, “Taping the Lincoln Bedroom—The First Family’s Clean Room,” which will feature President Obama as “First Taper.”
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The Real Reason Dobbs Dumped CNN
The Real Reason Dobbs Dumped CNN
By Bill Britton
Atlanta — Lou Dobbs, mired in controversy because of his opinion-laden commentary, abruptly resigned from CNN. A spokesperson for the Hispanic community in Miami, Grito N. Altavoz, said, “Good riddance to that gringo maricón. He want to send my 29 cousins back to Cuba.”
Rumor has it that Dobbs will take up the reins at AARP (American Association of Recalcitrant Pundits), a subsidiary of Fox News. Dobbs has vowed to “reinvigorate what has historically been Fox’s mission: to throw objectivity to the winds and instill a sense of self-righteousness in dumb America, my America.” Dobbs plans to maintain those invectives he levels against illegal immigrants and has put forward a plan to deal with, as he calls it, the “chili menace.”
First, he would like to see the establishment of an internment camp in Brightmoor, the poorest neighborhood in Detroit. “Brightmoor is a natural,” said Dobbs. “Plenty of abandoned homes. From there, they can board ships, sail across Lake Erie to Buffalo, and, via the canal system, down to New York Harbor, where they can be sent to where they’re more welcome. Chile, for example, a ‘Chilis-to-Chile Program,’ so to speak.”
To replace the crop pickers and house cleaners lost to deportation, Dobbs envisions the creation of an agency similar to Roosevelt’s CCC (Civilian Conservation Corps) set up during the Great Depression. “What young man wouldn’t like to trade in his Nintendo for a pick and shovel and all that fresh air? What young woman wouldn’t want to work in the home of a Wall Street broker or bank executive, all dying to pay cash for a little on the side?—Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale with benefits. We could rechristen the CCC as the Civilian Conservative’s Corps, complete with brown shirts and hobnail boots.”
By Bill Britton
Atlanta — Lou Dobbs, mired in controversy because of his opinion-laden commentary, abruptly resigned from CNN. A spokesperson for the Hispanic community in Miami, Grito N. Altavoz, said, “Good riddance to that gringo maricón. He want to send my 29 cousins back to Cuba.”
Rumor has it that Dobbs will take up the reins at AARP (American Association of Recalcitrant Pundits), a subsidiary of Fox News. Dobbs has vowed to “reinvigorate what has historically been Fox’s mission: to throw objectivity to the winds and instill a sense of self-righteousness in dumb America, my America.” Dobbs plans to maintain those invectives he levels against illegal immigrants and has put forward a plan to deal with, as he calls it, the “chili menace.”
First, he would like to see the establishment of an internment camp in Brightmoor, the poorest neighborhood in Detroit. “Brightmoor is a natural,” said Dobbs. “Plenty of abandoned homes. From there, they can board ships, sail across Lake Erie to Buffalo, and, via the canal system, down to New York Harbor, where they can be sent to where they’re more welcome. Chile, for example, a ‘Chilis-to-Chile Program,’ so to speak.”
To replace the crop pickers and house cleaners lost to deportation, Dobbs envisions the creation of an agency similar to Roosevelt’s CCC (Civilian Conservation Corps) set up during the Great Depression. “What young man wouldn’t like to trade in his Nintendo for a pick and shovel and all that fresh air? What young woman wouldn’t want to work in the home of a Wall Street broker or bank executive, all dying to pay cash for a little on the side?—Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale with benefits. We could rechristen the CCC as the Civilian Conservative’s Corps, complete with brown shirts and hobnail boots.”
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Anh Cao Drummed Out of Republican Party
Anh Cao Drummed Out of Republican Party
by Bill Britton, November 8, 2009
Washington — Representative Anh Cao of Louisiana, the only Republican to vote in favor of the health-care measure passed last night by the lower house, was formally drummed out of the party on Sunday morning. The formal ceremony was led by House minority whip Eric Cantor (R–VA). Cantor’s whip is similar to those once used by first mates on the Royal Navy’s sailing ships and are commonly called “cat-o’-nine-tails.”
In attendance, and adding a pleasant note to the proceedings, was the American Nazi Party’s Drum-and-Bugle Corps, which played “Whip It,” written by Jerry Casale and Mark Mothersbaugh, better known as the singing duo, Devo. In the background, Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) could be heard chanting, “Kill the bill, kill the bill.” Bachmann has been shouting her mantra since Thursday when she organized a large protest on Capitol Hill.
Blue Dog Democrat Bill Foster of Illinois expressed concern that Bachmann might now be rabid. “She certainly was frothing at the mouth earlier. I’m afraid that she might associate my first name with the word 'bill' as it relates to health care. After all, she is known to bite.”
President Obama called on the Democratic caucus before the House vote and urged its members to vote for the bill. Apparently this strategy worked when coupled with the well-known fact that House majority whip, James Clyburn (D–SC), keeps a cat-o’-twelve-tails in his desk.
Key to passage of the bill was an amendment to prohibit federal funds from being used to pay for abortions. Representative Jack Kingston (R–GA) said, “Abortions are in violation of God’s law. That Great Satan, your president, has done his best to move abortions out of alleyways where they belong. I’ve dedicated my 17 years in Congress to keeping them there.”
by Bill Britton, November 8, 2009
Washington — Representative Anh Cao of Louisiana, the only Republican to vote in favor of the health-care measure passed last night by the lower house, was formally drummed out of the party on Sunday morning. The formal ceremony was led by House minority whip Eric Cantor (R–VA). Cantor’s whip is similar to those once used by first mates on the Royal Navy’s sailing ships and are commonly called “cat-o’-nine-tails.”
In attendance, and adding a pleasant note to the proceedings, was the American Nazi Party’s Drum-and-Bugle Corps, which played “Whip It,” written by Jerry Casale and Mark Mothersbaugh, better known as the singing duo, Devo. In the background, Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) could be heard chanting, “Kill the bill, kill the bill.” Bachmann has been shouting her mantra since Thursday when she organized a large protest on Capitol Hill.
Blue Dog Democrat Bill Foster of Illinois expressed concern that Bachmann might now be rabid. “She certainly was frothing at the mouth earlier. I’m afraid that she might associate my first name with the word 'bill' as it relates to health care. After all, she is known to bite.”
President Obama called on the Democratic caucus before the House vote and urged its members to vote for the bill. Apparently this strategy worked when coupled with the well-known fact that House majority whip, James Clyburn (D–SC), keeps a cat-o’-twelve-tails in his desk.
Key to passage of the bill was an amendment to prohibit federal funds from being used to pay for abortions. Representative Jack Kingston (R–GA) said, “Abortions are in violation of God’s law. That Great Satan, your president, has done his best to move abortions out of alleyways where they belong. I’ve dedicated my 17 years in Congress to keeping them there.”
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Murdoch / O’Reilly Nuptials Set
Murdoch / O’Reilly Nuptials Set
By Bill Britton
New York — following six months of rumor, media mogul Rupert Murdoch and Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly announced wedding plans during a joint news conference. “We’re a natural fit,” said Murdoch. “And for those of you who seem somewhat aghast at this, there have been stranger bedfellows. Look at Barney Frank and his, um, ‘spouse,’ Fannie Mae executive Herb Moses.”
This will be Murdoch’s fourth marriage. His current wife, Wendi Deng, a director for MySpace in China, was less sanguine: “If Rupert wants to switch from Szechuan dining to street hotdogs, that’s his business, as long as he makes good on our pre-nup agreement.”
O’Reilly said he was “. . . floating on cloud-nine. Ever since I began working at Fox, I could sense a chemistry between Murdy and me, something beyond the fact that we both drench ourselves with Old Spice Body Spray. And, just to prove the point that old dogs can learn new tricks, on our wedding night we plan to switch from the ‘Swagger’ fragrance to ‘After Hours.’”
In an admission that his coming out registered more than a hint of irony with his viewers, O’Reilly said, “Over the last few months, I’ve conducted a dialogue with my inner being and come to recognize the plight of the—quote—‘other’ in American society, the minorities that make this country great. I’d even go to the White House and break bread with that colored boy, our President, as long as he doesn’t serve collard greens and chittlins.”
In the rear of the conference room, Sean Hannity, O’Reilly’s rival at Fox News, was seen in tears. “I thought Bill-O only had eyes for me. But I knew we were through when he refused to share his cherry wine cooler last week. And to add insult to injury, Rosie O’Donnell wants her leathers back.”
By Bill Britton
New York — following six months of rumor, media mogul Rupert Murdoch and Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly announced wedding plans during a joint news conference. “We’re a natural fit,” said Murdoch. “And for those of you who seem somewhat aghast at this, there have been stranger bedfellows. Look at Barney Frank and his, um, ‘spouse,’ Fannie Mae executive Herb Moses.”
This will be Murdoch’s fourth marriage. His current wife, Wendi Deng, a director for MySpace in China, was less sanguine: “If Rupert wants to switch from Szechuan dining to street hotdogs, that’s his business, as long as he makes good on our pre-nup agreement.”
O’Reilly said he was “. . . floating on cloud-nine. Ever since I began working at Fox, I could sense a chemistry between Murdy and me, something beyond the fact that we both drench ourselves with Old Spice Body Spray. And, just to prove the point that old dogs can learn new tricks, on our wedding night we plan to switch from the ‘Swagger’ fragrance to ‘After Hours.’”
In an admission that his coming out registered more than a hint of irony with his viewers, O’Reilly said, “Over the last few months, I’ve conducted a dialogue with my inner being and come to recognize the plight of the—quote—‘other’ in American society, the minorities that make this country great. I’d even go to the White House and break bread with that colored boy, our President, as long as he doesn’t serve collard greens and chittlins.”
In the rear of the conference room, Sean Hannity, O’Reilly’s rival at Fox News, was seen in tears. “I thought Bill-O only had eyes for me. But I knew we were through when he refused to share his cherry wine cooler last week. And to add insult to injury, Rosie O’Donnell wants her leathers back.”
Friday, October 16, 2009
All Nippon to Pinch Onboard Output
All Nippon to Pinch Onboard Output
By Bill Britton
Japanese carrier All Nippon Airways (ANA) is asking passengers to relieve themselves before boarding its aircraft to reduce weight and thus lower fuel consumption. “A typical human bladder holds up to a liter of liquid and weighs 2.2 pounds,” said CEO Mineo Yamamoto. “Since a Boeing 777 holds 247 people, this would mean a weight savings of 550 pounds per flight and thus reduce carbon emissions by 4.2 tons per month, system-wide.”
ANA is in the process of installing advanced relief stations made by ARS, Ltd. at each of its boarding stations. A urine gauge will indicate the total weight savings for each flight. Those passengers refusing to comply will pay a 5-percent ticket surcharge. To further encourage participation, compliant passengers will be given a free bag of Pee-Nuts®, ANA’s way of saying, “Thank you.”
Part of ANA’s campaign to publicize this “green” initiative will include free samples of WaterDump®, a diuretic used to increase urinary output. Because liquid refreshments will no longer be offered on ANA flights of fewer than 6 hours, flight attendants will distribute mouth swabs similar to those used in hospitals. “We are also considering giving passengers a box of Altoids to ease their thirst,” said ANA PR head Damion Martin. ANA’s bathrooms will also be smartcard-operated in future, with a flush charge of 50 cents per 100 milliliters.
President Halten Siewasser of PAUL (Protesters Against Urinary Limits) plans to organize a boycott of ANA and offered this observation: “The danger is that ANA’s initiative might spill over into other modes of transportation. I believe a congressional investigation is in order, starting with Halliburton’s recent purchase of the Porta-Potti company. Besides, who’s going to pee a liter? A sumo wrestler?”
By Bill Britton
Japanese carrier All Nippon Airways (ANA) is asking passengers to relieve themselves before boarding its aircraft to reduce weight and thus lower fuel consumption. “A typical human bladder holds up to a liter of liquid and weighs 2.2 pounds,” said CEO Mineo Yamamoto. “Since a Boeing 777 holds 247 people, this would mean a weight savings of 550 pounds per flight and thus reduce carbon emissions by 4.2 tons per month, system-wide.”
ANA is in the process of installing advanced relief stations made by ARS, Ltd. at each of its boarding stations. A urine gauge will indicate the total weight savings for each flight. Those passengers refusing to comply will pay a 5-percent ticket surcharge. To further encourage participation, compliant passengers will be given a free bag of Pee-Nuts®, ANA’s way of saying, “Thank you.”
Part of ANA’s campaign to publicize this “green” initiative will include free samples of WaterDump®, a diuretic used to increase urinary output. Because liquid refreshments will no longer be offered on ANA flights of fewer than 6 hours, flight attendants will distribute mouth swabs similar to those used in hospitals. “We are also considering giving passengers a box of Altoids to ease their thirst,” said ANA PR head Damion Martin. ANA’s bathrooms will also be smartcard-operated in future, with a flush charge of 50 cents per 100 milliliters.
President Halten Siewasser of PAUL (Protesters Against Urinary Limits) plans to organize a boycott of ANA and offered this observation: “The danger is that ANA’s initiative might spill over into other modes of transportation. I believe a congressional investigation is in order, starting with Halliburton’s recent purchase of the Porta-Potti company. Besides, who’s going to pee a liter? A sumo wrestler?”
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Minnesotan Unaware of Jackson Death
Minnesotan Unaware of Jackson Death
By Bill Britton
Minneapolis, MN (INS) Bleiben Dunkel of Minnesota acknowledged today that he is unfamiliar with late entertainer, Michael Jackson. Contacted at his home in the remote village of Waskish, Dunkel said that his TV screen went blank on June 12. When told that he needed a converter box to receive the new digital TV signals, Dunkel said, “Gott im Himmel. Ist nasty Commie plot!
Dunkel drew national attention after being identified as the only person in America who was not tuned in to the Jackson funeral held at the Staples Center. News reader Wolf Blitzer of CNN encapsulated media astonishment by saying, “The greater question is whether Dunkel should be allowed to continue on this reckless path. Without the complete participation of the public, advertising dollars will suffer along with my income. I’ll no longer be able to afford $300 beard trims.” Jack Cafferty, as part of his Cafferty File segment, released a poll that indicated unanimous disapproval of Dunkel’s behavior.
Taken aboard a CNN van and shown a video from “Thriller,” Jackson’s hugely popular studio album, as well as film clips from the funeral, Dunkel shouted, “Holy scheisse, dot guy scares me like a rotten bratwurst. He ist a man, right? Bitte, bitte, stoppen die music! Und who is die blondie you show mit die almost black guy? Elizabeth Taylor? She’s been trinken too much Jagermeister.”
In Washington, Senator Roland Burris (D-IL) sponsored a bill to allow the FBI to investigate Dunkel’s un-American activity. “My brother Michael’s memory should not be sullied by some white honky’s indifference to the sensitivities of the black community,” he said. “After all, without the musicological direction taken by Michael, we’d still be listening to the likes of the Grateful Dead, a band that has less soul than dry wall.”
By Bill Britton
Minneapolis, MN (INS) Bleiben Dunkel of Minnesota acknowledged today that he is unfamiliar with late entertainer, Michael Jackson. Contacted at his home in the remote village of Waskish, Dunkel said that his TV screen went blank on June 12. When told that he needed a converter box to receive the new digital TV signals, Dunkel said, “Gott im Himmel. Ist nasty Commie plot!
Dunkel drew national attention after being identified as the only person in America who was not tuned in to the Jackson funeral held at the Staples Center. News reader Wolf Blitzer of CNN encapsulated media astonishment by saying, “The greater question is whether Dunkel should be allowed to continue on this reckless path. Without the complete participation of the public, advertising dollars will suffer along with my income. I’ll no longer be able to afford $300 beard trims.” Jack Cafferty, as part of his Cafferty File segment, released a poll that indicated unanimous disapproval of Dunkel’s behavior.
Taken aboard a CNN van and shown a video from “Thriller,” Jackson’s hugely popular studio album, as well as film clips from the funeral, Dunkel shouted, “Holy scheisse, dot guy scares me like a rotten bratwurst. He ist a man, right? Bitte, bitte, stoppen die music! Und who is die blondie you show mit die almost black guy? Elizabeth Taylor? She’s been trinken too much Jagermeister.”
In Washington, Senator Roland Burris (D-IL) sponsored a bill to allow the FBI to investigate Dunkel’s un-American activity. “My brother Michael’s memory should not be sullied by some white honky’s indifference to the sensitivities of the black community,” he said. “After all, without the musicological direction taken by Michael, we’d still be listening to the likes of the Grateful Dead, a band that has less soul than dry wall.”
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Bernanke Recommends Increasing Retirement Age to 108
Bernanke Recommends Increasing Retirement Age to 108
by Bill Britton
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Wednesday, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said Congress should rein in future Social Security and Medicare costs by raising the retirement age to 108. The Fed chief's comments stirred political ripples, with Senator John Kerry (D-MA) saying he would favor sending members of Congress, who vote in favor of reduced benefits, to Guantanamo Bay’s terrorist resort where they could live out their Golden Years. Other Capitol Hill Democrats said the previous administration’s tax cuts were to blame, although they admitted to benefitting from them.
President Obama said he would safeguard those at or near retirement, in particular Vice President Biden, something that former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan suggested as well. Urging swift action on the spiraling budget deficit, forecast to hit a record $482 billion this year, Greenspan told the House of Representatives Budget Committee that spending restraints were the best way to meet future commitments, rather than raising taxes on millionaires and endangering their children’s inheritance: “The exact magnitude of said risk is very difficult to calculate, given the egregious duplicitousness of arbitrage compexities in the secondary market, but they are of enough alarm, in my judgment, to warrant closing the fiscal fissure primarily, if not wholly, by reducing benefits due the common Joe-the-Plumber, or Rosy-the-Riveter, or other marginally contributory fringe input to economic viability.”
In response to questions, Greenspan said failure to tackle looming budget shortfalls would push long-term interest rates higher—a potential constraint on the economy—and would jeopardize his personal fortune and thus annoy his wife, NBC correspondent Andrea Mitchell. He emphasized that “if Congress were to reduce social security benefits, it had better do so quickly to minimize the pain on voters near retirement. In this way, later retirees would have time to digest a smaller piece of the retirement pie as well as to cultivate a taste for Alpo.”
Obama warned of this looming budget crunch as tens of millions of baby boomers, born in the years after World War II, begin to qualify for early retirement benefits and look for ways to gas up their now-idle Hummers and SUVs. “This dramatic demographic change is certain to place enormous demands on our country's ability to maintain our national ethos of materialism unless action is taken,” he said. “For a variety of reasons, that action is better taken as soon as possible and should come out of the hides of the average Joe, or Rosy, or any other Fox News addict.”
Representative John Boehner (R-OH) said that “even with the so-called normal retirement age climbing to 80 or higher in the next two decades, the years people spend in retirement—sitting in web chairs, drinking six-packs of Bud, and dipping their Twinkies in guacamole—will increase, since Americans are living longer. In view of the upward ratcheting of government programs and the enormous uncertainty about the upper bounds of future demands for medical care, I believe that a thorough review of our commitment to allow old people to screw up their bodies is prudent in the long term.”
by Bill Britton
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Wednesday, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said Congress should rein in future Social Security and Medicare costs by raising the retirement age to 108. The Fed chief's comments stirred political ripples, with Senator John Kerry (D-MA) saying he would favor sending members of Congress, who vote in favor of reduced benefits, to Guantanamo Bay’s terrorist resort where they could live out their Golden Years. Other Capitol Hill Democrats said the previous administration’s tax cuts were to blame, although they admitted to benefitting from them.
President Obama said he would safeguard those at or near retirement, in particular Vice President Biden, something that former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan suggested as well. Urging swift action on the spiraling budget deficit, forecast to hit a record $482 billion this year, Greenspan told the House of Representatives Budget Committee that spending restraints were the best way to meet future commitments, rather than raising taxes on millionaires and endangering their children’s inheritance: “The exact magnitude of said risk is very difficult to calculate, given the egregious duplicitousness of arbitrage compexities in the secondary market, but they are of enough alarm, in my judgment, to warrant closing the fiscal fissure primarily, if not wholly, by reducing benefits due the common Joe-the-Plumber, or Rosy-the-Riveter, or other marginally contributory fringe input to economic viability.”
In response to questions, Greenspan said failure to tackle looming budget shortfalls would push long-term interest rates higher—a potential constraint on the economy—and would jeopardize his personal fortune and thus annoy his wife, NBC correspondent Andrea Mitchell. He emphasized that “if Congress were to reduce social security benefits, it had better do so quickly to minimize the pain on voters near retirement. In this way, later retirees would have time to digest a smaller piece of the retirement pie as well as to cultivate a taste for Alpo.”
Obama warned of this looming budget crunch as tens of millions of baby boomers, born in the years after World War II, begin to qualify for early retirement benefits and look for ways to gas up their now-idle Hummers and SUVs. “This dramatic demographic change is certain to place enormous demands on our country's ability to maintain our national ethos of materialism unless action is taken,” he said. “For a variety of reasons, that action is better taken as soon as possible and should come out of the hides of the average Joe, or Rosy, or any other Fox News addict.”
Representative John Boehner (R-OH) said that “even with the so-called normal retirement age climbing to 80 or higher in the next two decades, the years people spend in retirement—sitting in web chairs, drinking six-packs of Bud, and dipping their Twinkies in guacamole—will increase, since Americans are living longer. In view of the upward ratcheting of government programs and the enormous uncertainty about the upper bounds of future demands for medical care, I believe that a thorough review of our commitment to allow old people to screw up their bodies is prudent in the long term.”
Friday, August 14, 2009
Republicans Tout Healthcare Plan
Republicans Tout Healthcare Plan
by Bill Britton
House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio today announced his party’s plan for sweeping healthcare reform. “It’s a no-brainer,” said Boehner. “It takes the best parts found in the Democrats’ plan and weds them to ours. This will put to rest all those claims that Republicans cannot work with Democrats.” Senator Charles Grassley (R-IA) echoed similar sentiments when he said that “Grandmas around the country need not fear us pulling the plug on them. We’ll let them dribble away on life support for as long as it takes to get me reelected. This includes all the grandpas like me in the Senate who have been comatose for decades.”
The plan is national in scope, as demanded by Democrats, and calls for the elimination of all healthcare insurance coverage for households earning less than $250,000 per year, as favored by Republicans. Those making more than this ceiling will have the option of retaining their coverage and will receive a tax rebate of 150% of their premium costs to offset the obvious hardship. Members of Congress will continue to be covered by their government plan, and the limit on direct campaign contributions will be raised to $100,000 per donor to ensure that special interests like insurance companies are protected.
Those making less than $250,000 per year will have their medical needs attended to by the existing network of emergency rooms found in hospitals around the country. These facilities will be available to American citizens of Christian birth only. Funding for this care will come from reduced social security payments, which “ensures that the effect on the budget will be a zero-sum game, so to speak,” said Boehner. Illegal aliens and non-Christians will be cared for in an abandoned Ace Hardware store in northern Montana that has been converted to a clinic staffed by medical students from Grenada, a “vital ally in our war on terrorism,” as described by Senator John McCain (R-AZ).
When asked if Jewish doctors will be qualified to practice medicine in the emergency-room network, Boehner replied, “If these facilities cannot hire enough Indian or Pakistani MDs, of course they’ll be allowed to practice. After all, ID [Intelligent Design] has blessed them with the skills necessary to care for us goyim, as the Hebes like to say, although I think He should have paid more attention to the finer details. What’s with the foreskin anyway? Or with wisdom teeth?”
by Bill Britton
House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio today announced his party’s plan for sweeping healthcare reform. “It’s a no-brainer,” said Boehner. “It takes the best parts found in the Democrats’ plan and weds them to ours. This will put to rest all those claims that Republicans cannot work with Democrats.” Senator Charles Grassley (R-IA) echoed similar sentiments when he said that “Grandmas around the country need not fear us pulling the plug on them. We’ll let them dribble away on life support for as long as it takes to get me reelected. This includes all the grandpas like me in the Senate who have been comatose for decades.”
The plan is national in scope, as demanded by Democrats, and calls for the elimination of all healthcare insurance coverage for households earning less than $250,000 per year, as favored by Republicans. Those making more than this ceiling will have the option of retaining their coverage and will receive a tax rebate of 150% of their premium costs to offset the obvious hardship. Members of Congress will continue to be covered by their government plan, and the limit on direct campaign contributions will be raised to $100,000 per donor to ensure that special interests like insurance companies are protected.
Those making less than $250,000 per year will have their medical needs attended to by the existing network of emergency rooms found in hospitals around the country. These facilities will be available to American citizens of Christian birth only. Funding for this care will come from reduced social security payments, which “ensures that the effect on the budget will be a zero-sum game, so to speak,” said Boehner. Illegal aliens and non-Christians will be cared for in an abandoned Ace Hardware store in northern Montana that has been converted to a clinic staffed by medical students from Grenada, a “vital ally in our war on terrorism,” as described by Senator John McCain (R-AZ).
When asked if Jewish doctors will be qualified to practice medicine in the emergency-room network, Boehner replied, “If these facilities cannot hire enough Indian or Pakistani MDs, of course they’ll be allowed to practice. After all, ID [Intelligent Design] has blessed them with the skills necessary to care for us goyim, as the Hebes like to say, although I think He should have paid more attention to the finer details. What’s with the foreskin anyway? Or with wisdom teeth?”
Monday, July 6, 2009
Palin to Become Rhodes Scholar
Palin to Become Rhodes Scholar
by Bill Britton
In a surprising development, Sarah Palin’s decision to quit the governorship of Alaska has been tied to her acceptance of a Rhodes scholarship to Oxford University. The Right Honorable Lord Patten of Barnes, chancellor of Oxford, released a prepared statement in which he praised “Governor Palin’s broad knowledge of world affairs” and her “deep understanding of environmental issues.”
Professor Sally Shuttleworth, Dean of Humanities at Oxford, said that Palin has signed on to a rigorous schedule that will lead to a Ph.D. in General Linguistics and Comparative Philology. Asked about her decision not to pursue a course of study leading to a degree in law or politics, Palin said, “Heck, I don’t need to know any more about politics. I’m the new brand of politics. And law? There’s too much law in this country. Look how the law’s keeping oil money out of the pockets of folks who really need it.”
The governor elaborated on her degree choice, saying that “linguistics is something that will help me communicate with all those primitive folks in places like Russia, Brooklyn, and Mexico. Plus, maybe I’ll be able to understand those folks who writhe on the floor of my church, speaking in tongues. Darn it, that babbling is bad enough, but the snake handling gets on my nerves and is the reason I pack my Glock 9-millimeter every Sunday morning.”
In an interview late yesterday, a reporter asked Palin if it would be difficult to find time to study and still care for her family. “Doncha worry,” said Palin. “Todd, the First Dude, knows all about poopy diapers and math homework. I got him as well-trained as a sled dog. I yell ‘mush,’ and my little issorartuyok [lead dog] runs up to me dripping and whining.”
by Bill Britton
In a surprising development, Sarah Palin’s decision to quit the governorship of Alaska has been tied to her acceptance of a Rhodes scholarship to Oxford University. The Right Honorable Lord Patten of Barnes, chancellor of Oxford, released a prepared statement in which he praised “Governor Palin’s broad knowledge of world affairs” and her “deep understanding of environmental issues.”
Professor Sally Shuttleworth, Dean of Humanities at Oxford, said that Palin has signed on to a rigorous schedule that will lead to a Ph.D. in General Linguistics and Comparative Philology. Asked about her decision not to pursue a course of study leading to a degree in law or politics, Palin said, “Heck, I don’t need to know any more about politics. I’m the new brand of politics. And law? There’s too much law in this country. Look how the law’s keeping oil money out of the pockets of folks who really need it.”
The governor elaborated on her degree choice, saying that “linguistics is something that will help me communicate with all those primitive folks in places like Russia, Brooklyn, and Mexico. Plus, maybe I’ll be able to understand those folks who writhe on the floor of my church, speaking in tongues. Darn it, that babbling is bad enough, but the snake handling gets on my nerves and is the reason I pack my Glock 9-millimeter every Sunday morning.”
In an interview late yesterday, a reporter asked Palin if it would be difficult to find time to study and still care for her family. “Doncha worry,” said Palin. “Todd, the First Dude, knows all about poopy diapers and math homework. I got him as well-trained as a sled dog. I yell ‘mush,’ and my little issorartuyok [lead dog] runs up to me dripping and whining.”
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Argentina to Buy Section of Appalachian Trail
Argentina to Buy Section of Appalachian Trail
By Bill Britton
To accommodate its country’s avid hikers, Argentina has offered to buy part of the Appalachian Trail. During a press conference at Government House in Buenos Aires, President Cristina Fernandez, who met last week with South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, said: “The benefits for both countries are tremendous. On the one hand, people like Governor Sanford won’t have to escape to Argentina to pursue their active lifestyle. On the other hand, Argentine hikers will have a lovely tool to satisfy their hiking needs.”
Maria Belen Chapur, Sanford’s frequent hiking companion, was equally enthusiastic: “The governor’s schedule is very demanding, and after a day of hiking with me, he’s exhausted. By having part of the Appalachian Trail under Argentine sovereignty, I can come and go as I please. Plus, the governor won’t have to use his frequent-flyer mileage or taxpayer money to pursue his favorite hobby.”
Said the governor’s wife, Jenny, “He can hike all day, if he wants. I haven’t hiked with him for years, and don’t intend to. He’s admitted to having a bevy of hiking companions, which is OK, as long as I don’t have to wash his dirty shorts.”
Final details are yet to be worked out, but since none of the trail lies in South Carolina, the section from Ball Mountain to Greasy Mountain in Georgia is a likely candidate. “I get into Georgia to hike as often as I can,” said Sanford. “Some of my fondest memories are of slogging through the bush near Ball.”
By Bill Britton
To accommodate its country’s avid hikers, Argentina has offered to buy part of the Appalachian Trail. During a press conference at Government House in Buenos Aires, President Cristina Fernandez, who met last week with South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, said: “The benefits for both countries are tremendous. On the one hand, people like Governor Sanford won’t have to escape to Argentina to pursue their active lifestyle. On the other hand, Argentine hikers will have a lovely tool to satisfy their hiking needs.”
Maria Belen Chapur, Sanford’s frequent hiking companion, was equally enthusiastic: “The governor’s schedule is very demanding, and after a day of hiking with me, he’s exhausted. By having part of the Appalachian Trail under Argentine sovereignty, I can come and go as I please. Plus, the governor won’t have to use his frequent-flyer mileage or taxpayer money to pursue his favorite hobby.”
Said the governor’s wife, Jenny, “He can hike all day, if he wants. I haven’t hiked with him for years, and don’t intend to. He’s admitted to having a bevy of hiking companions, which is OK, as long as I don’t have to wash his dirty shorts.”
Final details are yet to be worked out, but since none of the trail lies in South Carolina, the section from Ball Mountain to Greasy Mountain in Georgia is a likely candidate. “I get into Georgia to hike as often as I can,” said Sanford. “Some of my fondest memories are of slogging through the bush near Ball.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)