Cheney Signs on Water Dowser to Find WMD

Cheney Signs on Water Dowser to Find WMD

By Bill Britton

Former Vice President Dick Cheney outlined a new strategy to find former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's WMD programs, which Cheney says "will justify the ten-year war." Ernest Quilby, a farmer from Gnosall Heath (UK), and a world-renown dowser, will be airlifted to Baghdad where he will begin applying his skills. "Quilby represents the cutting edge of an approach devised by Junior Bush and me," Cheney said. "It might seem low-tech, but in Britain dowsers locate everything from lost wedding rings to ancient Roman walls."

A call to Quilby found him in the midst of his latest project, finding additional remains of Piltdown man, an alleged primitive hominid found in Sussex, England, in 1912. When told that this discovery proved to be a hoax, Quilby responded, "Oh no, not a hoax at all, lad. In that same quarry where Pilty was found, some local folk found the missing link between turtles and chickens, a queer thing with a feathered shell and thin legs, but in all other respects, a turtle."

When asked if he'd talked with Cheney, Quilby responded, "Dicky's quite a young lad. I believe he's going places. A get-up-and-goer, as we say around here." Asked if he was confident of finding WMD, Quilby said, "My dowsing rod rarely lets me down. After 55 years of dowsing, its accuracy is better than 97%. The secret is simply to follow it around like an old dog. The younger dowsers try too hard."

Quilby seemed unfazed by his new "project," as he calls it. "No raggie-head A-rab is clever enough to fool old Quilby. If it's buried, I'll find it, unless it's deeper than nine feet. That's me limit, but if there's a pint of bitters hidden in the sand, then there's no limit," he chuckled.

Glenn Beck: “Drain, Baby, Drain!”

Glenn Beck: “Drain, Baby, Drain!”

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Fox News’ Glenn Beck announced the results of a week-long conference he organized to find a way to deal with oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico from the destroyed BP drilling rig: “The best long-term solution would be to drain all the water from the Gulf of Mexico so that the oil can be recovered with minimal damage to the ecosystem while at the same time ensuring BP’s profitability. BP could then, of course, run a pipeline directly to a Louisiana refinery. Just think—oystermen and shrimpers could harvest their catch using farmers’ combines instead of having to risk their lives on the water.”

The benefits to all concerned are obvious, claimed Beck, who has been in touch with Dick Cheney, former chair of Halliburton. “Dick told me that the way to expedite the whole operation would be to tender a no-bid contract to Halliburton, since his former company perfected this business method in the early decades of the Iraq war. He has assured me that a levee could be built between the Florida Everglades and the Cancun, Mexico in a matter of weeks. Then it’s simply a matter of getting that creepy governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal, to position the state’s fire trucks along the levee and pump all the water out of the Gulf.”

One concern is the fact that illegal aliens would have additional access to hundreds of miles of coastal America’s borders, plus the question was raised about what to do with the continuing flow of water from the Mississippi River. “No problem,” countered Beck. “We could just direct that water up the Rio Grande. That ditch has been damn-near dry for 50 years anyway. Help with the illegals nuisance too.”

Cheney Sets New Record

Cheney Sets New Record

By Bill Britton

In order to dispel the notion that enhanced interrogation methods like waterboarding are torture, former Vice President Dick Cheney recently subjected himself to this interrogation technique and, in the process, set a new world record. The old record of 183 times was set in March 2003 by Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the self-described planner of the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center. Cheney set a new standard of 200 times in only three weeks.

“Actually, it was quite enjoyable,” said Cheney. “The Bushes say it’s similar to part of the Skull and Bones Society initiation at Yale, where they pour Champagne Philipponnat through a split croissant fastened to the mouth with an almond glaze. Of course, I never joined, being somewhat busy chasing furburger while attending Yale.” When asked by a reporter if it was true that he had flunked out of Yale, Cheney scowled, “Executive privilege, you little wanker.”

The vice president certainly dressed the part. He came fully clad in shiny black leather shorts and laced bustier, which enhanced his physique. However, he did have some difficulty negotiating the stairway leading down to the interrogation room wearing five-inch, spiked heels. Only one newsman, Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, was allowed in the room with Cheney to verify the count. Screams of “Yes, yes, yes” could be heard echoing through a ventilation duct, reminding one reporter of the final chapter in James Joyce’s Ulysses.

When the ordeal was over, Cheney exited the interrogation room, his signature smirk having shifted from the left side of his mouth to the right, with strands of toweling stuck between his teeth. “Well, boys, I did it,” said Cheney. “Next week I’m going for the world record of stacked, naked bodies. I’ve already contacted the women’s 2008 roller derby champions, the Gotham Girls of New York City. Of course, I’ll be at the top of the heap.” O'Reilly was heard murmuring, "Can I come, can I come?" repeatedly.