Rep. King Begins Crusade Against Muslims

Rep. Peter King's favorite footware

Rep. King Begins Crusade Against Muslims

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Representative Peter King (R-NY) has begun hearings on the radicalization of the Muslim community in the U.S. His congressional committee has decided to extend its mandate to cover certain business groups in the U.S., including the 7-11 League of Unabashed Taliban (“7-11-LOUT”), the Muslim Alliance of Gas-Guzzling Osama Disciples (“MAGGOD”), and the Muslim Extremist Cooperative Council of America (“MECCA”).

Rep. King began his probe at the urging of Igor deSerpent, president of SWAMP (So Worried about Muslim Practices), a Tea-Party-staffed political action committee funded by the billionaire Koch brothers, whose coal-mining operation in West Virginia provided background for the recent documentary film, “Why the Appalachians Should Be Flattened.”

During an MSNBC interview, Chris Matthews asked King why Muslims were being targeted. He replied that “Muslims want to establish a caliphate in the U.S., which can be seen by the fact that President Obama has built a mosque in the basement of the White House. Plus, the carpet in the Oval Office bearing the Presidential Seal has been replaced by a prayer rug made by child labor, specifically, his daughters Malia and Sasha. And, his wife Michelle wears a burqa.”

When Matthews suggested that the burqa was in fact a scarf similar to those worn by many American women, King became enraged and began speaking in tongues, which caused the hundreds of Christian fundamentalists picketing MSNBC to collapse on the sidewalk in rapturous writhing. MSNBC President Phil Griffin reacted by saying, “One of them wasn’t Rush Limbaugh, was it? He’s been known to fall into a cataleptic fit whenever he hears names like Obama, Gore, or Pelosi.”

Rep. King plans to follow up the present inquiry with one that will focus on the question of why liberal elites wear Crocs sandals rather than Walmart flip-flops.

Obama Accepts Peace Prize in Oslo

Obama Accepts Peace Prize in Oslo

By Bill Britton

OSLO, NORWAY (December 10, 2009) — Today President Obama, our most prominent immigrant from Hawaii, accepted the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize amid some controversy. The Peace Prize is awarded each year to the world figure who can best hide his real intentions from the Nobel committee. The inventor of dynamite and creator of the awards, Alfred Nobel, would be especially pleased by this year’s selection.

The committee consists of five members—Thorbjørn Jagland, Kaci Kullmann Five, Sissel Marie Rønbeck, Inger-Marie Ytterhorn, and Ågot Valle—all of whom are, coincidentally, charter members of Oslo’s Dum Navnet Klubben (Silly Name Club). A delicious lunch was served by IKEA personnel under the watchful eye of founder Ingvar Kamprad, current president of Dum Navnet Klubben. Mr. Obama was asked by Kamprad to be an honorary member of the club.

After the ceremony, attendees were treated to a live demonstration by American mercenaries from Blackwater USA. Especially impressive was the shattering of a huge iceberg by a GBU-28 bunker buster. This was followed by a series of napalm strikes that crisscrossed a nearby fjord in the flag colors of the United States and Norway—red, white, and blue—to the accompaniment of Edvard Grieg’s “In the Hall of the Mountain King.”

During his acceptance speech, Mr. Obama said that the war in Iraq was “just a war,” but then corrected himself by saying it was “a just war.” He closed his speech with this call to action: “Let us reach for our guns when need be and ignite the passions of the crusader that still stirs within each of our souls.” Marwan Bishara, Al Jazeera's senior political analyst, responded by saying, “Holy Allah! Next thing they’ll be Knights Templar knocking on my mosque’s door.”