The Real Reason Dobbs Dumped CNN

The Real Reason Dobbs Dumped CNN

By Bill Britton

Atlanta — Lou Dobbs, mired in controversy because of his opinion-laden commentary, abruptly resigned from CNN. A spokesperson for the Hispanic community in Miami, Grito N. Altavoz, said, “Good riddance to that gringo maricón. He want to send my 29 cousins back to Cuba.”

Rumor has it that Dobbs will take up the reins at AARP (American Association of Recalcitrant Pundits), a subsidiary of Fox News. Dobbs has vowed to “reinvigorate what has historically been Fox’s mission: to throw objectivity to the winds and instill a sense of self-righteousness in dumb America, my America.” Dobbs plans to maintain those invectives he levels against illegal immigrants and has put forward a plan to deal with, as he calls it, the “chili menace.”

First, he would like to see the establishment of an internment camp in Brightmoor, the poorest neighborhood in Detroit. “Brightmoor is a natural,” said Dobbs. “Plenty of abandoned homes. From there, they can board ships, sail across Lake Erie to Buffalo, and, via the canal system, down to New York Harbor, where they can be sent to where they’re more welcome. Chile, for example, a ‘Chilis-to-Chile Program,’ so to speak.”

To replace the crop pickers and house cleaners lost to deportation, Dobbs envisions the creation of an agency similar to Roosevelt’s CCC (Civilian Conservation Corps) set up during the Great Depression. “What young man wouldn’t like to trade in his Nintendo for a pick and shovel and all that fresh air? What young woman wouldn’t want to work in the home of a Wall Street broker or bank executive, all dying to pay cash for a little on the side?—Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale with benefits. We could rechristen the CCC as the Civilian Conservative’s Corps, complete with brown shirts and hobnail boots.”

Florida Strengthens Northern Border

Florida Strengthens Northern Border

by Bill Britton

Because of the threatened influx of retiring baby boomers, Florida’s Governor Christ has decided to strengthen the state’s northern border with Alabama and Georgia. At present there are only ten entry checkpoints found at Interstates 75, 95, and 10 and seven other major highway border crossings. The original purpose of these checkpoints was to inspect tractor-trailer contents for agricultural products that might contain insect or disease pests.

“Now we have a more serious pest,” said Christ from his offices in Tallahassee. “The expected invasion of soon-to-be retirees will affect our ability to fund Medicaid over the long term. Plus, they represent a hazard to a driving public who must be on constant guard against their mindless turns and indecisive drifting from lane to lane.”

The governor’s plan includes tripling the number of checkpoints and building a 12-foot fence along the entire northern border, similar to that found on the U.S. border with Mexico. Funding for the project will be shared by the state and federal governments, with 80 percent coming from billions in federal stimulus money allocated to Florida. “Yes, schools will get less than originally intended,” said Christ, “but we must maintain our image as the Sunshine State rather than the Sunset State, as some pundits would describe it.” The other 20 percent will come from an excise tax placed on mobility scooters and incontinence pads.

Reaction was swift from several quarters. A. Barry Rand, CEO of AARP, fired off a scathing memo to Christ, which closed with these lines: “. . . and, who’s going to replace the residents of Florida’s trailer parks as their owners die off? My mother, who lives in La Palma Verde Grande, is frightened at the prospect of having no more neighbors in a few years. Who will she play Mahjong with?” Urto Fissatore, speaking for the Florida Association of Motor Vehicle Body Shops, was equally angry: “At least half the body shops in Florida will shut down. Seniors are our best customers, and they are repeat customers with Lincolns and Caddies.”

Christ emphasized that this is all perfectly legal, and to help in the transition, he has ordered five-million “Welcome” brochures from North Dakota’s Department of Economic Development. An equal number of roadmaps has been ordered as well to facilitate the emigration of retirees to that state. Said Christ, “North Dakota’s a great place for retirees. The cost of living is low, and there’s always a breeze, just like Florida.”