NIH: Iceberg Lettuce “Useless”

NIH: Iceberg Lettuce “Useless”

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — During his weekly press briefing, Gerhard Veracity, a spokesman for the National Institutes of Health (NIH), said that consuming iceberg lettuce is a “useless exercise in mastication” and that you “might as well eat wet wallboard, unless it’s made in China in which case it’s loaded with certain vital nutrients that come from duck-farm manure used as a binding agent.” When reminded that Chinese wallboard has been found to be toxic because of high levels of heavy metals, Veracity replied, “True, true, but a related study found that it builds strong teeth, although the side effect of phosphorescence is somewhat alarming.”

R. Greenleaf Crisp, president of the National Iceberg Lettuce League (NILL), countered Veracity’s claim during the league’s annual conference held in Salinas, California. “Iceberg lettuce forms the foundation of the American salad bowl. It’s flavorless and, except for the outer leaves, is almost colorless, which means that it doesn’t interfere with the magic of a Wishbone or Newman’s salad dressing topped with a generous portion of Bacos, all of which have nutritive value, except for those things on their labels dreamed up by the boys at ADM that nobody can pronounce.”

Roger I. Wilcome, dietary guru to numerous Hollywood celebrities, was found with two Rock Hudson look-a-likes in the Dionysus Inn on Vine Street. “The NIH is bent on wrecking my livelihood, and right after receiving stimulus money from the Feds. I’ve been pushing iceberg lettuce for years, saying it led one down the path to colonic health. ‘Bigger Heads for Better Health’ is on all my scented stationary. Look at Chad and Winslow here. Have you ever seen smoother skin? It’s all because they gobble nothing but the best heads.”