Republican Candidates To Be Sacked

Lady Gaga Set To Meat Up With Them

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Republican National Committee (RNC) may organize a potato-sack race to eliminate the uncertainty over its eventual presidential nominee. Although Mitt Romney has consistently polled 25% of Republican voters, that is not enough to ensure his nomination. Because of this dilemma, the RNC felt it had no alternative but to formulate a more objective nominating process.

Ground rules are still being discussed, but a member of the committee leaked several to this reporter. The event will take place in Tropicana Field in Tampa, the host city for the nominating convention. The race course will be 100 yards in length, with female candidates given a 10-yard advantage. Although Michelle Bachmann is the only announced female, it is expected that Sarah Palin will enter because she completed a course in sack racing at Wasilla Adult Community Organization (WACO) in Alaska.

Former Texas Tech cheerleader Rick Perry has objected to the plan based on the medical fact that people like him with no necks cannot generate the proper body motion to compete effectively. Perry suggests that a modified greased-pig contest be held, with Lady Gaga dressed in a Bikini top and thong and slathered with Texas barbeque sauce.

A surging Herman Cain—and Godfather’s Pizza CEO—volunteered five gallons of marinara sauce to use instead, but the RNC feels that barbeque is more in the American tradition and is consistent with Lady Gaga’s fondness for meaty attire. The celebrity performer has promised that her outfit will be in good taste.

Ron Paul has denied accusations of blood doping to enhance his chances: “I don’t need blood. Unlike the other candidates, I don’t have to spend $9.88 for a mask at Wal-Mart. What you see is what you get, fear-wise, that is.”

Google Names YouTube Spin-Offs

Google Names YouTube Spin-Offs

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Chief economist at Google, Hal Varian, announced that YouTube, acquired by the search-engine giant in 2007, will spin off a separate entity, YouCrap, to deal with the increased flood of home videos uploaded to its servers. “We want to differentiate newsworthy material from the ton of crappy stuff we get every second of the day,” said Varian. “We felt we had to distinguish things like Japanese toilet pranks and skateboard disasters from worthwhile videos like Lady Gaga and her sparking bra. YouCrap will satisfy the insatiable demand of video contributors who love to bore the crap out of each other—hence the name.”

If successful, other spin-offs could evolve, including YouBoobs, YouButt, YouIncoherentRanting, and YouOffkeySinging, among others. YouWhatsWithJacquesDerrida was dropped after it was determined that such a subset would match the interests of YouIncoherentRanting’s viewership. However, some potential was seen with niche categories such as YouWienerWolfing, YouBulimiaBarfing, YouWalmartWaddler, and other diet-related abnormalities.

Varian expanded on his company’s philosophy, saying, “As with all Google initiatives, the YouTube spin-offs will be in beta mode indefinitely. In this way, we can improve the crap that pays and ditch the rest. For example, there’s a natural synergy between YouBoob and the bra and plastics industries, a mélange that envelops both the A- and B-cup gals and their significant others, particularly those with penile implants. We expect ancillary revenues from ad tie-ins to expand dramatically in parallel with the increased dimensions of nation’s breasts and male members.”