Sawdust Approved as Food Supplement

New high-fiber, high-protein sawdust cereal with fly maggots

Sawdust Approved as Food Supplement

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved sawdust as a food supplement. FDA administrator Constance Twiddle announced that the following varieties are suitable for human consumption: white pine, white birch, and white ash. Specifically excluded from the list are black walnut, black oak, and black locust. “The latter three varieties are too difficult to integrate into breakfast cereals and bread products,” said Twiddle, “although yellow pine and red oak might be approved pending further testing.”

Beyond the obvious uses in cereals (for example, shredded wheat) and whole-grain breads, sawdust will most likely be blended into other foods as well, including chopped beef, sausages, canned soups, and a variety of prepared foods. McDonald’s has already branded one new entrée in its fast-food lineup, the McWoody. Chicken McTwiggins is also being considered.

FDA approval came on the heels of the latest survey on obesity in the United States conducted by Surgeon General’s office, which found that 34% of adult Americans are obese. Spokesperson Prudence Gurth said that the addition of sawdust to the American diet “will reduce caloric uptake, while its scouring properties will reduce the need for tooth brushing.” Gurth’s statement had an immediate effect on toothcare-related stocks, with Colgate falling 28% by close on Tuesday.

In contrast, lumber giant Georgia-Pacific stock rose 22%. CEO Tim Berland saw this as a great opportunity to expand the company’s presence in Africa: “All those starving people could use a little sawdust in their diet. I’m working out a deal with the De Beers diamond folks to pay their miners in part with sawdust. It’s just the right thing to do and part of the West’s effort to ease the plight of Africans who still remain the so-called white man’s burden, as English poet Rudyard Kipling once wrote.”

Gingrich’s “Brilliance” Outshines Einstein's

"Mine's this long, Mitt. Can you beat that?"

Gingrich’s “Brilliance” Outshines Einstein's

By Bill Britton

In a nationally televised news conference, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich revealed that his I.Q. is 20 points higher than renowned physicist Albert Einstein. “The American people know that I am basically a modest individual, but I felt I owed it to my adoring public to no longer hide my intellectual brilliance under a bushel, so to speak,” said Gingrich who now wears his academic robes 24/7.

As verification of that brilliance, Bob Jones University has created a new academic award, summa cum bubba, which will be reserved for those whose intellectual capacity exceeds that of Einstein. Gingrich, who graduated magna cum-a, cum-a, cum-a laude from Tulane University, has enjoyed a steady stream of academic awards, beginning with the DuPont science award that he received at age 6 for discovering the reason why peanuts split into two sections: “Essentially, I concluded that it was God’s will, and another example of Intelligent Design.”

Gingrich said he enjoys debating with the other Republican candidates: “My credentials are impeccable and include my capacity to womanize even ugly bitches. I’m just hoping the committee finally agrees to put my podium next to Rick Perry’s in the next debate. I’ll destroy his concentration with my best come-hither glances. Plus I’ll point out that he graduated magna cum nada from Texas State.

Concerning the potential male candidates, Gingrich was equally dismissive: “Romney’s a Mormon—‘nuf said, and Herman Cain’s pizza is too salty, which is why he bailed. By the time I’m finished with ‘em, they won’t know the difference between Lincoln and Washington, which in the case of Perry is a done deal.”

Breton Announces Luddite Party Candidacy

Breton Announces Luddite Party Candidacy

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Liam Breton, who fell short in his attempt to incite a national rebellion, has decided to run for U.S. President on the Luddite Party ticket. The Luddite Party was founded by Breton in response to the failure of the major political parties to address the loss of national purpose caused by a preoccupation with iPhones, iPads, and iPods, among other iStuff. [Ed. note: The Luddites were a movement in 19th-century England that viewed the textile machines of the Industrial Age as inherently evil.]

“We must return to our roots,” said Breton, “and toss these devices into the dustbin of history. Steve Jobs is dead — Long live Steve Jobs! — but let’s get his legacy out of our lives before Apple’s latest device, the iSelf, is implanted into the cerebral cortex of every newborn baby.” As noted in an earlier press release, the iSelf was Jobs’ last project at Apple. It is a WiFi-enabled unit that merges PC functionality with 4G networks and a virtual monitor located on the inside of the forehead.

Ron Paul, the libertarian candidate and darling of the Tea Party, was quick to respond to Breton’s announcement: “Who’s this guy think he is? I’ve been a Luddite ever since I began wiping my ass with leaves at age three. What this country really needs is to toss aside all government agencies and all those other things that have corrupted the American dream, from municipal sewer systems to hospitals. Let’s get back to basics and have disease and pestilence cull the weak from society.”

Michelle Bachmann, former candidate and darling of the Tea Party, whose demented eyes had frightened away her most ardent supporters, has now laid claim to being an early Luddite as well: “I burned my bra in seventh grade. My credentials can be seen whenever the temperature dips below 65 degrees.”

Republican Candidates To Be Sacked

Lady Gaga Set To Meat Up With Them

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Republican National Committee (RNC) may organize a potato-sack race to eliminate the uncertainty over its eventual presidential nominee. Although Mitt Romney has consistently polled 25% of Republican voters, that is not enough to ensure his nomination. Because of this dilemma, the RNC felt it had no alternative but to formulate a more objective nominating process.

Ground rules are still being discussed, but a member of the committee leaked several to this reporter. The event will take place in Tropicana Field in Tampa, the host city for the nominating convention. The race course will be 100 yards in length, with female candidates given a 10-yard advantage. Although Michelle Bachmann is the only announced female, it is expected that Sarah Palin will enter because she completed a course in sack racing at Wasilla Adult Community Organization (WACO) in Alaska.

Former Texas Tech cheerleader Rick Perry has objected to the plan based on the medical fact that people like him with no necks cannot generate the proper body motion to compete effectively. Perry suggests that a modified greased-pig contest be held, with Lady Gaga dressed in a Bikini top and thong and slathered with Texas barbeque sauce.

A surging Herman Cain—and Godfather’s Pizza CEO—volunteered five gallons of marinara sauce to use instead, but the RNC feels that barbeque is more in the American tradition and is consistent with Lady Gaga’s fondness for meaty attire. The celebrity performer has promised that her outfit will be in good taste.

Ron Paul has denied accusations of blood doping to enhance his chances: “I don’t need blood. Unlike the other candidates, I don’t have to spend $9.88 for a mask at Wal-Mart. What you see is what you get, fear-wise, that is.”

Satellite Debris Kills Bull: Obama Blamed

Bobby-Joe Killicat and his son guarding the Winnebago containing satellite debris.

Satellite Debris Kills Bull: Obama Blamed

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The 20-year-old satellite that crashed into Earth last week had a roughly 1-in-3,200 chance of hitting a person, NASA officials claimed. The Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite, or UARS (pronounced: you-arse), apparently missed the planet’s 7 billion people but shrapnel did hit Gunnar Daligson’s prize bull, Big Johnson, in Willard, Wisconsin.

A broken-hearted Daligson told CNN’s Chris Jansing, “That piece of space junk slammed into the bullpen, and a flying gate hinge castrated Big Johnson quick as a wink. He’s been bellowing one octave higher ever since. Poor feller just stares into his hay trough or bends over looking ‘tween his forelegs.”

White House Liaison David Noble stated that “NASA regrets the castration and will reimburse Mr. Daligson as soon as Congress agrees on Washington’s latest debt-reduction plan. President Obama later denied he pressured NASA to re-program the satellite’s path to hit Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker’s home.”

Several other pieces of debris landed near the Cadillac Ranch in Amarillo, Texas. Local resident Bobby-Joe Killicat gathered them up and put them on display in an old Winnebago across from the ranch. He said, “My cousin Eldred works at the International UFO Museum in Roswell and started talking in tongues when I told him the chunks fell into my back yard. Armageddon is a-comin’!”

Presidential candidate Rick Perry blamed the Obama administration for the breakup of the satellite: “The President must explain to the American people how this could happen. When I’m elected, my administration will install a shield over America to deflect space junk.”

When told of the impracticality of such a shield, Perry responded by saying, “With the Lord’s help all things are possible, with the exception of maybe asking Him to rain on Texas—He sure as Hell screwed that one up.”

Texas Governor Perry Calls for Washington to Secede

The United State of Washington flag

By Bill Britton

Texas Governor Rick Perry said today that, if elected President, he would put in motion a secession plan for the nation’s capitol, Washington, D.C. The recently announced presidential candidate hinted several years ago that Texas could secede should the Federal Government become too burdensome. “I believe it’s best if Washington leaves the Union,” said Perry. “This would allow the 50 states to become independent entities with their own armed forces and tax rates, which in the case of Texas would be zero. And since everyone over age 5 has a gun, every Texan’s security is a done deal.”

MSNBC reporter Chuck Todd challenged Perry’s plan, saying that the Constitution would prohibit secession. Perry responded by accusing Todd of being a “spokesman for liberal extremism and a secular humanist, the most ungodly mix imaginable. Besides, the good old boys on the Supreme Court are on my side. If they had the balls to call corporations ‘individuals’, they sure as hell won’t hesitate to call the states ‘countries’.”

Michelle Bachmann, the Tea Party’s poster babe, quickly signed on to Perry’s plan: “I only wish I thought of it first. Just think, in one fell swoop we could eliminate Social Security, Medicare, the EPA, and all those other boondoggles. Plus I wouldn’t have to listen to that queer Barney Frank and his rants about the middle class. The middle class is just fine. They have their NASCAR, McDonalds, and Wal-Mart, everything for the good life.”

Perry said that all government programs would be turned over to the private sector, which would eliminate the need for lobbyists: “Those K-Street types would no longer have to bribe Congress with campaign money. Katy, bar the door! Think how much this would add to the bottom lines of all the oil companies in my state.”

Republicans Set Brackets for 2012 Nomination

Rick Perry shooting liberals from trees

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Republican National Committee (RNC) has set the brackets for the 2012 nominating convention to be held in Tampa, Florida, starting in August 2012. Top seed is Mitt Romney, despite the fact that his political history reads like a Democrat’s “How To” book.

Second seed is Michelle Bachmann, famed historian, who plans to care for 26 additional foster children for a total of 49, which, as she said, would match the number of states. When told that there are 50 states, Bachmann responded by claiming that Hawaii is not a state and that President Obama’s citizenship was proven invalid.

Tim Pawlenty, Gary Johnson, and John Huntsman, third, fourth, and fifth seeds, respectively, are in a battle to determine who can capture the so-called “boredom” vote, the segment of the Republican party that subscribes to Birdwatcher Magazine. According to his former students, sixth seed Newt Gingrich should be part of this group, although his predisposition for trophy wives and jewelry is at odds with a boring lifestyle.

Seventh and eighth seeds, “The Two Ricks,” Santorum and Perry, are in competition for the “Most Ignorant Candidate Award,” given every election cycle by Fox News Chairman, Roger Ailes. “I wanted to give the award to Michelle,” said Ailes, “but she’s been boning up on sixth-grade history, which disqualifies her.”

Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain is relegated to ninth seed, mainly because he failed to attain the rank of Eagle Scout like his male competitors.

Of course the great unknown are the intentions of Sarah Palin, who some describe as the seediest of the potential nominees. When last seen, she and husband Todd were converting the “One Nation” tour bus into a moose blind with a 50-caliber machine gun mounted on the roof.

Charleston Park to Host Lecture Series

Record carp caught in Charleston Park retention pond

Carp problem "the last straw"

By Bill Britton

North Port, FL — Charleston Park, a small gated community on Florida’s west coast, is planning to offer a series of lectures to its residents for the purpose of “raising community standards.” Taking a hint from the community newsletter, which lectures residents on a variety of issues each month, the sessions will hopefully obviate the need to repeat what some residents consider to be “scoldings.”

First on the agenda is the “carp problem.” Several residents have been seen casting nets into community ponds under the cover of darkness and landing 4-pounders. To compound the dilemma, the offenders are using the carp to fertilize their shrubs. “It is an ecologically friendly way to green up the garden,” said Madden Scatolski. “The Seminoles used this method for centuries. The only problem is the cat invasion”

The ban against parking on Charleston Park’s roadways is consistently violated, especially by the Dominoes Pizza delivery vehicle. But the greater problem involves several RVs that block satellite reception and sunlight from reaching adjacent homes. “I’ve missed the last two episodes of Jersey Girls,” complained Sidney Voyeur, whose shrubs are wilting for lack of sunlight. “Maybe I need some of those dead carp.”

Lawn and shrubbery maintenance is another contentious issue. Residents are encouraged to mow at least every two weeks, even when the turf is dormant. Harry Grub has come up with an alternative to grass: “I’ll just spray the entire yard with Roundup. This way the HOA Board can’t complain. Maybe I’ll roll on a few gallons of green deck paint to brighten up the dirt. That’ll make my plastic flamingoes really stand out.”

Breton Nears Completion of Cosmic Ark

Celestial Bunghole ready for liftoff

Debt-Ceiling Compromise Prompts Renewed Interest

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Liam Breton, who several months ago failed in his attempt to foment a second American Revolution, announced today that he has nearly completed constructing a cosmic ark. Named the Celestial Bunghole, the ark is designed to transport the few remaining liberals to “HD 189733b,” an extrasolar planet more than 60 light years from Earth that was found to have organic molecules in its atmosphere. An earlier prototype soared almost 30 feet before Florida neighbor Villin Smutty shot it down with an anti-tank gun, a deed featured in the NRA publication, American Rifleman.

To avoid Smutty’s weaponry, Breton has moved the launch pad to the dense forest on Florida’s Panhandle. Rumors that it is really a missile aimed at Governor Rick Scott’s home are unfounded, said Breton. “You can’t get close enough. He’s got a small army of bald look-alikes in brown shirts guarding it. Besides, there’s a sign on the front gate that says, ‘No One Over 55 Allowed.’”

Now that the Space Shuttle program has ended, public attention has shifted to the Celestial Bunghole. The parking lots around Tallahassee are filling up with motor homes and walkers from as far away as Alaska to witness the launch. The passenger list includes activist Ralph Nader, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, and Horace Tromper, noted castrato and a runner-up on the TV show, “America’s Got Talent.”

Breton is concerned about reports of Tea Party agitators in the area: “They’re angry because the Bunghole has ticketed only 27 liberals. I’ve told them repeatedly that they’re all that’s around. The men are lined up trying to get visas to Scandinavia, which a Gallup poll says boasts the happiest countries in the world. And their wives are on Amazon.com buying rain gear and Rosetta Stone language software.”

We are in deep poop

The Future Is Here

We are in deep poop. The 2012 election will be the scariest. If the economy/employment is still in a deep funk, more Tea Party types will likely be elected and progressivism will continue its slow death. Of course, this is conservatism's long-term objective--to turn this country into an oligarchy with theocratic overtones. From there, it is short hop to delayed elections and the abandonment of democratic principles. People scoff at me when I say this, but as Santayana wrote, "Those who do not know history's mistakes are doomed to repeat them." Besides, who reads history any more other than a decreasing number of academics? Economists certainly don't, nor do politicians.

Rep. King Begins Crusade Against Muslims

Rep. Peter King's favorite footware

Rep. King Begins Crusade Against Muslims

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Representative Peter King (R-NY) has begun hearings on the radicalization of the Muslim community in the U.S. His congressional committee has decided to extend its mandate to cover certain business groups in the U.S., including the 7-11 League of Unabashed Taliban (“7-11-LOUT”), the Muslim Alliance of Gas-Guzzling Osama Disciples (“MAGGOD”), and the Muslim Extremist Cooperative Council of America (“MECCA”).

Rep. King began his probe at the urging of Igor deSerpent, president of SWAMP (So Worried about Muslim Practices), a Tea-Party-staffed political action committee funded by the billionaire Koch brothers, whose coal-mining operation in West Virginia provided background for the recent documentary film, “Why the Appalachians Should Be Flattened.”

During an MSNBC interview, Chris Matthews asked King why Muslims were being targeted. He replied that “Muslims want to establish a caliphate in the U.S., which can be seen by the fact that President Obama has built a mosque in the basement of the White House. Plus, the carpet in the Oval Office bearing the Presidential Seal has been replaced by a prayer rug made by child labor, specifically, his daughters Malia and Sasha. And, his wife Michelle wears a burqa.”

When Matthews suggested that the burqa was in fact a scarf similar to those worn by many American women, King became enraged and began speaking in tongues, which caused the hundreds of Christian fundamentalists picketing MSNBC to collapse on the sidewalk in rapturous writhing. MSNBC President Phil Griffin reacted by saying, “One of them wasn’t Rush Limbaugh, was it? He’s been known to fall into a cataleptic fit whenever he hears names like Obama, Gore, or Pelosi.”

Rep. King plans to follow up the present inquiry with one that will focus on the question of why liberal elites wear Crocs sandals rather than Walmart flip-flops.

Government Chips Away at Privacy

Sam Lowry, the hero of Brazil

Government Chips Away at Privacy

By Bill Britton

The Department of Homeland Security has contracted with the Digital Angel company to have its ID chips implanted in all Americans and illegal aliens. At $12 per chip and injector, the cost will total $4.8 billion, unless the government is able to negotiate a quantity discount. Veterinarians, who have implanted Digital Angel’s chips in pets and livestock for years, will be licensed for human implants. These will be free to Medicare subscribers and to those with healthcare insurance. The 50-million uninsured will pay a fee of $50 to $100.

The chip will be rebranded the Lowry Tracker, in honor of Sam Lowry, the protagonist in Terry Gilliam’s dystopian film, Brazil. The Tracker emits a 125-kilohertz radio frequency signal that transmits its unique ID number to scanners that will be installed throughout the country and in most bedrooms. The ID number then accesses a computer database containing the person's file.

Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ) sponsored the funding bill, which eventually passed by a slim majority in both houses of Congress. “This program will allow the government to trace the whereabouts of everyone in the U.S.,” said Kyl. “Those with incomes above $1 million per year will be exempted because they are the most trustworthy members of society, especially my colleagues on Wall Street.”

The program has alarmed some Christian fundamentalists who claim that the chips are the biblical “Mark of the Beast.” Roberta Combs, president of the Christian Coalition, expressed her dismay at the program: “It’s just a way to get the devil under everyone’s skin. I can see it for whose families have only been here for a generation. But real Americans like me are offended by the idea. This, after we backed all those Right-Wingers and Tea Party candidates. Digital Angel? Pshaw!”

Utah Man Bowled Over by Reception

Utah Man Bowled Over by Reception

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Eighty-seven-year-old Dummer Bergsteiger, a resident of La Sal, a tiny town in the mountains of southeast Utah, was surprised to find that “super bowl” referred to the football spectacular of that name: “I thought it meant that oversize toilet I saw in aisle 11 at The Home Depot. I been eyein’ that beauty ever since Gertrude dropped the hint about her up-and-comin’ birthday next week. It would frame her big butt just fine.”

It seems that Bergsteiger had only limited TV reception—Judge Judy on the hour and Sponge Bob on the half hour, with the exception of Sundays when the San Diego Curling League competition is broadcast continuously. Concerned that Bergsteiger might be too isolated from the world; parishioners at the Heilige Rolle Lutheran Church began a fund drive to buy a 40-foot antenna mast for him.

One effort to raise funds was nearly washed out by torrential rains: a paper-airplane distance contest. The winner, Fol Ding Lot, a second-year origami major at Moab Education Center, used waxed paper instead of copy paper to capture first-prize honors. The exchange student from Osaka, Japan credited his victory to experience: “I’m a fifth-generation origamist, so I guess I had a leg up on the competition.” After one month’s effort, the church community reached its goal of $400.

Asked if he was pleased with his enhanced TV reception, Bergsteiger replied, “Oh, it’s great. But I just don’t get that American Idol program. What’s with these people who can’t sing? And that Gretta van Susteren on Fox News--she looks like a manikin in Sears. I think I’ll stick with Sponge Bob and beach volleyball. That’s better than watching curling.”

China Running Out of Oxygen

China Running Out of Oxygen

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Premier Wen Jiabao of China, in a nationally televised address, called on his countrymen to consume less oxygen: “We are facing a critical point in the Peoples’ Revolution,” said Jiabao. “For us to continue on the shining path toward world domination, we must rein in the consumption of this vital resource. Our smelting plants have seen their efficiency decline by 15 percent because of a corresponding drop in atmospheric oxygen, which now stands at 18 percent, not the normal 21 percent.”

To restore atmospheric oxygen to its pre-revolutionary level, several major reforms will be put in place. Ordinary citizens will be allowed ten breaths per minute, instead of the normal fifteen. Exceptions will be made for athletes, speakers at political rallies, and those engaged in sexual activity. Cigarette consumption will be reduced to four packs per day per person, down from the normal six. Nicotine content in the popular brand, Zhong Nan Hai, will be doubled to calm frazzled nerves as a result of reduced puffing.

China’s EPA chief, Chou Em Doun, claims that the problem began during the Ming Dynasty, when the Great Wall was completed: “The wall much too high and brocks flesh air from Manchuria and Siberia. It should be air-rifted to Beijing and turned into theme park.” When the interviewer raised the possibility that China’s huge number of coal-burning power plants might be using up the oxygen, Doun replied, “You been on the pipe too much getting high. Here, have a Hai instead.”

In a related development, McKinsey, the global consulting firm, revealed that China’s move to install giant wind farms for “green” electricity is a ruse. They are in reality fan farms whose purpose is to pull down fresh air from the north.

Breton Sets Date for U.S. Revolution

Breton Sets Date for U.S. Revolution

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Anarchist Liam Breton of Tampa announced that he has settled on a date to foment rebellion in the lower 48 states. Alaska and Hawaii are not to be included because he only has 8,200 points in his frequent-flyer program. Breton’s inspiration for the rebellion came from his uncanny resemblance to Владимир Ленин (Vladimir Lenin).

In an interview with Wolf Blitzer, Breton said, “I figure April 3 would be good, because that’s the date that Lenin arrived at the Finland Station in Petrograd in 1917. If I take an Amtrak train from Tampa on April second, I’ll be in Penn Station by 7:32 in the evening on the third, just in time to catch an off-Broadway show. Stomp might be good—get me in the mood, you know. I’ve already lined up the Altones, a quartet from my community, Snobis Birdis Terra, to sing the Marseille when I step off the train.”

When pressed by Blitzer to reveal the purpose of the revolution, Breton pulled out a 300-page manifesto, along with his sub-prime mortgage, that he will have copied and laid at the doorways of Goldman Sachs, the stock exchanges, and other financial centers in New York. “If I’m lucky, one of those Wall Street thieves will trip over the damn pile.”

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, at a hastily called news conference in Washington, said that she was aware of the Breton threat: “Breton’s been under surveillance ever since he refused to bend over during a cavity check at Tampa Airport last month, despite the fact that we’ve installed smiley-face tiles in the inspection area. Plus, the TSA gal offered to check his prostate while in there as part of a special offer I put in place recently.”

God Announces 2011 Angel Quota

Two angels from 2009 quota

God Announces 2011 Angel Quota

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Bryant Wright, President of the Southern Baptist Convention, announced today that a committee of fellow pastors recently completed a conference call with God. Preliminary results from this confab indicate that God will require 52,000 new angels in 2011. The age limit of 5, imposed by Emperor Constantine in 335 C.E., will continue in force.

“God was calling for twice that number,” said Wright, “but we convinced Him that the lower figure would be sufficient.” When asked where the new angels would come from, Wright replied, “Half will come from sub-Sahara Africa. They get bleached once they pass through the Pearly Gates, so they can be any color.”

The pastors expressed some concern that Heaven might be getting overcrowded. God reassured them that this was impossible, since Heaven was flat and only ten miles square. The oldest angels are routinely pushed over the edge where they enjoy eternal peace in Oblivion, the last stop for believers.

Pressed as to whether there were angels assembled in Heaven from other parts of the universe, God admitted that one alien group was en route and was to arrive during Hanukkah on December 4, which upset several in the Baptist group. “Why couldn’t God delay their arrival until December 25th?” asked Rev. Jimmy Bob Haggler from Pascagoula, Mississippi. “The Jews get all the breaks and even get credit for the fact that Jesus was a rabbi.”

Apparently, the alien angels are from a planet circling Delta Clitori, some 11-million light years from Earth and 6-billion light years from Heaven. To keep them occupied, the children’s program and intergalactic favorite, Teletubbies©, runs continuously. Another group from Alpha Viagri is scheduled to arrive on Easter Sunday, much to the relief of the pastors.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Last U.S. Manufacturer Moves to China

Engineer Ingvold Aibinstuggen pin-testing his latest design

Last U.S. Manufacturer Moves to China

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Not unexpectedly, the Autsch Pin Company announced today that it will move its manufacturing operations to China. CEO Arvid Lindstrom cited a shrinking labor force in Bagville, Minnesota where the company is headquartered. “Young people just don’t seem turned on by pins like they were when I graduated college. They’d rather get a degree in fine arts and flip burgers in an urban cesspool like St. Cloud.”

Lindstrom continued, “Several years ago, an attempt was made to change our city’s name from Bagville to Pinville which was felt to be much more apropos ever since the Lebensmittelgeschäft Bag Company pulled up stakes and moved to Dubai. But then we found a 40-year supply of envelopes in the city hall basement with ‘Bagville’ printed on them, so the mayor decided to withdraw a proposed referendum.”

R&D will remain in Bagville, where Autsch product designers have begun work on an Ouch-Less Pin®, which features a blunt instead of pointed tip. When asked if this would defeat the pin’s purpose, design engineer Ingvold Aibinstuggen replied, “We still have a lot of work to do, but I feel confident that the future of this business lies in being ouch-less. Look what it did for Johnson & Johnson and their Band-Aides.”

Several years ago, the Science Channel came to Bagville to film a feature on pin-making for its program, “How It's Made.” However, program director Herb Ennui said that no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get the segment to run more than 45 seconds. “It seems that thin wire goes in one end of a machine, and a pin comes out the other,” said Ennui. “Maybe the ouch-less pin will give us something more to work with.”

Republicans Begin Search for New War

Republicans Begin Search for New War

By Bill Britton

Buoyed by the Republican Party’s victories in the mid-term elections, likely House Speaker John (“Weepy”) Boehner (R-Ohio) pledged to find a new war for America: “Let’s face it,” said Boehner, “The American people became totally bored by the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. We need to rouse them out of their lethargy.”

When reminded that those two wars were still ongoing, Boehner replied, “What happened to ‘Mission Accomplished’? I must be spending too much time on the golf course. I’ll have to have a TV screen installed in my tanning bed so I can catch up during cocktail hour. I’m a multitasker, you know.”

Although Iran seems an obvious choice, neocon Richard Perle, who did such a superb job fabricating an excuse to invade Iraq, has a short list that includes Iceland and Grenada. Perle justified both choices by saying, “Iceland has no standing army, so it would be easy pickings. And what an emotional lift it would be for the U.S. public to see our Marines once again storming the beaches of Grenada.”

A GAO report confirmed that both operations would add only $30 to $40 billion to the budget. These funds could be offset easily by cutting the food stamp budget. Tea Party senator-elect Rand Paul (KY) agreed: “Cutting the food stamp program makes sense. The beneficiaries of the program are too fat anyway. The overall health of the country would definitely improve.”

In a related story, Tea Party rising star Christine O’Donnell, who lost in the Delaware Senate race, is early favorite to be Sarah Palin’s choice as Secretary of State after Palin wins the presidency in 2012. Said Palin, “Chrissie is highly qualified. She just needs to sign up for a few political science courses at Delaware County Community College.”

Pat Robertson: God’s Will Has Been Done

Pat Robertson: God’s Will Has Been Done

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Excited by Republican/Tea Party wins in Tuesday’s midterm elections, televangelist Pat Robertson has decided to expand 700 Club membership by offering free tickets on the Rapture Express. The Rapture Express is similar in design to Noah’s Ark, but instead of animal stalls, the vessel is outfitted with luxury staterooms.

Guest host Terry Meeuwsen is in charge of the overall decorating scheme and has promised “a tasteful combination of scenes from Mel Gibson’s ‘The Passion of the Christ,’ which depicts the final hours of our Lord’s agony on the Cross.” The Rapture Express will incorporate a window in the bottom of the hull through which the saved can view those Left Behind.

Membership in the 700 Club starts at $250 per year. Upgrades on the Rapture Express include several penthouses being offered at the discounted price of $9,000. Checks should be made out to P. Robertson and addressed to Acct. 42-8996-37, CH-8098 Zurich (Switzerland).

Robertson talked to Jesus recently who assured him that his Second Coming was imminent: “But before I return, I must get the nasty business of the Tribulation out of the way, those seven years where anyone who chooses not to follow me before the Rapture will experience disaster, pain, and suffering, which will wipe out 75% of all life on the earth. Sort of like the Inquisition, but a hell of a lot worse.”

First responders to this offer include several prominent names in the Tea Party movement: Sarah Palin, Delaware’s Christine O'Donnell, South Carolina’s Jim DeMint, and Nevada’s Sharron Angle. Ms. O’Donnell is a recently reformed witch who has pledged that her “coven will be given over to the Lord, despite the fact that He screwed me out of the Senate seat in Delaware.”

Former BP CEO Receives New Brain

Former BP CEO Receives New Brain

By Bill Britton

BP's former CEO, Tony Hayward, received a new brain on Friday after the original was found to be functioning at only 20 percent of typical brain capacity. The new brain came from a donor described by Hayward's doctors as a "twenty-something manager of a McDonald's who suffered a heart attack while refilling a Fryolator."

Chief surgeon Ernest Cutter noted an immediate improvement in Hayward's cognitive abilities. He can now make change in denominations of up to ten dollars and is able to distinguish between a Quarter Pounder and a Big Mac. He is still unsure as to the difference between a Big Mac and a Big 'N Tasty, but that is expected to be resolved within the next week.

Hayward also has difficulty determining the difference between motor oil and the canola oil used to cook McDonald's French fries, which led to an altercation between him and the franchise's manager, Spuds Borey. The matter was complicated by the intervention of several customers who claimed that Hayward's new French fry recipe imparted "a more robust flavor" to this McDonald's staple.

Although a spokesperson for McDonald's would not comment on the nutritional value of motor oil, Josh Hoodliwink of the American Petroleum Institute said, "Most oil workers consume various petroleum products as a regular part of their diet. We encourage the residents of the Gulf Coast to do the same, instead of complaining about a few tar balls stuck to their toes. By the way, those tar balls make a terrific charcoal lighter for the family barbeque."

Hayward is expected to be retained by BP and is to lead a fact-finding panel, which will attempt to assign blame for the Gulf oil spill on a temporary worker from Guatemala.