Coleman Tent to Tailor Suits for Limbaugh
By Bill Britton
The Coleman Company announced today that it has signed a contract with Rush Limbaugh to make the media personality’s garments. CEO Sam Solomon said that “Coleman is uniquely qualified to fabricate Mr. Limbaugh’s clothing. Our oversize equipment is designed to sew family-size tents. Why not clothing of similar dimensions? Our tent fabric can take any amount of abuse, from excessive perspiration to teeth-gnashing. We just need to test it to see if it can tolerate mouth foam.”
Recognizing Limbaugh’s special needs, Coleman is designing a suit with a pocket large enough to hold a 48-quart Coleman cooler. Stitched into the collar will be a back-up camera similar to those found in motor homes, which will allow him to maneuver in close quarters. Back-up warning beepers will be integrated as well, since his bulk makes this mandatory in most states.
“All of Mr. Limbaugh’s clothing will be sewn to the highest standards,” said Solomon, “and each item will be expandable by employing quick-release fabric looseners and through the extensive incorporation of NASA-grade elastics. Neckties large enough to accommodate Mr. Limbaugh’s 32-inch neck will be a challenge, but we expect to subcontract them to an area upholsterer.”
To offset the cost of the suits especially, Limbaugh is expected to sell advertizing space on his outer garments. Two companies in particular have shown interest and include Häagen-Dazs and Burger King. At a joint news conference, company representatives agreed that both have done for Limbaugh what they hope to do for America.
Showing posts with label Rush Limbaugh. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rush Limbaugh. Show all posts
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Rush Limbaugh’s Genome Mapped
Rush Limbaugh’s Genome Mapped
by Bill Britton
J. Craig Venter, founder of The Institute for Genomic Research, announced that Rush Limbaugh’s genome has been sequenced. In what Venter describes as an “atypical genome,” Limbaugh was shown to have only 11,000 genes, roughly one-third that of humans in general. “Surprisingly,” said Venter, “this is the same number found in the nematode, or roundworm, one species of which can be found in the gut of infected dogs.”
Venter would not comment on the significance of this finding, saying only that Limbaugh could represent a danger to higher animals should they ingest any tissue fragments that slough off his body. “Of particular concern are domestic animals, especially canines, that are known to lick bare skin,” said Venter. “You wouldn’t want Rover to have a Limbaugh growing in his gut. Nematodes do reproduce asexually rather than “bud” off new individuals, as do hydra. But a danger does exist. And remember, we have entered a vast unknown in the person of Limbaugh.” When asked if humans were at risk, Venter replied, “Very unlikely. After all, who would want to lick Rush Limbaugh?”
Except for his girth, Limbaugh appears to bear an uncanny resemblance to the typical human male. However, his tendency to bounce up and down when agitated is inconsistent with adult human behavior. America’s leading psychologist, Dr. Phil (drphil.com), offers up this explanation: “Without a doubt, Rush Limbaugh is missing genetic material present in higher animals. In particular, his amygdala, that region of the brain controlling behavior, is likely to be shortchanged. It would be unfair of me to compare his conduct with that of a territorial great ape, but the parallel is certainly there.”
by Bill Britton
J. Craig Venter, founder of The Institute for Genomic Research, announced that Rush Limbaugh’s genome has been sequenced. In what Venter describes as an “atypical genome,” Limbaugh was shown to have only 11,000 genes, roughly one-third that of humans in general. “Surprisingly,” said Venter, “this is the same number found in the nematode, or roundworm, one species of which can be found in the gut of infected dogs.”
Venter would not comment on the significance of this finding, saying only that Limbaugh could represent a danger to higher animals should they ingest any tissue fragments that slough off his body. “Of particular concern are domestic animals, especially canines, that are known to lick bare skin,” said Venter. “You wouldn’t want Rover to have a Limbaugh growing in his gut. Nematodes do reproduce asexually rather than “bud” off new individuals, as do hydra. But a danger does exist. And remember, we have entered a vast unknown in the person of Limbaugh.” When asked if humans were at risk, Venter replied, “Very unlikely. After all, who would want to lick Rush Limbaugh?”
Except for his girth, Limbaugh appears to bear an uncanny resemblance to the typical human male. However, his tendency to bounce up and down when agitated is inconsistent with adult human behavior. America’s leading psychologist, Dr. Phil (drphil.com), offers up this explanation: “Without a doubt, Rush Limbaugh is missing genetic material present in higher animals. In particular, his amygdala, that region of the brain controlling behavior, is likely to be shortchanged. It would be unfair of me to compare his conduct with that of a territorial great ape, but the parallel is certainly there.”
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