U.S. Treasury to Issue “Two-Fers”
By Bill Britton
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to bolster the economy, the Treasury Department authorized the nation’s banks to issue “two-fers.” Beginning Monday, all account withdrawals will in effect be doubled, or “double-downed,” as Treasury Secretary Ben Bernanke preferred to describe the initiative. In an interview with NPR’s Cokie Roberts, the secretary said, “This program will double the purchasing power of all Americans, from impoverished A.I.G. executives to the illegal aliens who trim their hedges.”
When reminded that it could result in 100-percent inflation overnight, Bernanke replied, “Yes, that might be true. But just think: a $600 bottle of fine French wine would in reality only cost $300. And all that inventory piling up at Nieman’s and on Mercedes Benz dealer lots would be cleaned out. Plus I’d have to add a third shift at the printing office just to keep up with the demand for new banknotes. The impact on the unemployed will be tremendous. To supply the needed cotton for these bills, ragpicking could become a growth industry.”
This program is the latest in a string of proposals to cure the nation’s financial woes. “Look what the easy availability of money did for Germany during the Great Depression,” said Bernanke. “Granted, Germans were carting paper money home in wheelbarrows because of hyperinflation, but they beat the crap out of Europe in short order just a few years later.”
If successful, the two-fer approach might be extended to toxic assets held by the nation’s banks, assets that were purchased by the federal government for $1 trillion. “Why not offer these assets, essentially homes, at two for the price of one?” said Bernanke in his weekly press conference. “It’s better than having our highly regarded financial institutions go down the drain.”
Showing posts with label Ben Bernanke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ben Bernanke. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Post-War Plans See Afghanistan as 51st State
New Flag
Post-War Plans See Afghanistan as 51st State
By Bill Britton
WASHINGTON, DC — In an interview with Larry King on CNN, White House Adviser Rahm Emanuel hinted that Afghanistan would become the fifty-first state soon after the country is democratized. “It will be a mutually beneficial relationship,” Emanuel said. “The people of Afghanistan are excited about their impending statehood.” Asked about how they felt about the U.S. war effort, Emanuel responded, “The Afghani people have enough sense to stay away from targeted areas. Besides, who wants to live next to a terrorist camp? That’s not particularly good for your long-term health.”
When King wondered what form of government the fifty-first state might take, Emanuel said, “I think we’d use the Louisiana model with parishes instead of counties, but they’d be called mosquettes so as not to offend the populace. I can see actor Johnny Depp finishing up his career as governor of our new state, a soft and cuddly version of bin Laden. Sort of looks like General MacArthur. And you know how the Japs came to love Doug. At least that’s the image we want to project.”
Emanuel continued, “We have to give these folks a whole new identity. President Obama had a great idea the other day by suggesting that Afghanistan be renamed Texistan. Kind of bring together the people of Afghanistan and the people of Texas through all they have in common—oil, submissive women, cocaine trafficking, highly religious closet drinkers—a great idea.”
Treasury Secretary Ben Bernanke was less sanguine. “This could be the cost that breaks the bank. We’d have to replace the 240 thousand 50-star flags located on federal property. And, since they’re all made in China, that change would increase our trade deficit by five million dollars, unless we can get a better deal through Walmart.”
By Bill Britton
WASHINGTON, DC — In an interview with Larry King on CNN, White House Adviser Rahm Emanuel hinted that Afghanistan would become the fifty-first state soon after the country is democratized. “It will be a mutually beneficial relationship,” Emanuel said. “The people of Afghanistan are excited about their impending statehood.” Asked about how they felt about the U.S. war effort, Emanuel responded, “The Afghani people have enough sense to stay away from targeted areas. Besides, who wants to live next to a terrorist camp? That’s not particularly good for your long-term health.”
When King wondered what form of government the fifty-first state might take, Emanuel said, “I think we’d use the Louisiana model with parishes instead of counties, but they’d be called mosquettes so as not to offend the populace. I can see actor Johnny Depp finishing up his career as governor of our new state, a soft and cuddly version of bin Laden. Sort of looks like General MacArthur. And you know how the Japs came to love Doug. At least that’s the image we want to project.”
Emanuel continued, “We have to give these folks a whole new identity. President Obama had a great idea the other day by suggesting that Afghanistan be renamed Texistan. Kind of bring together the people of Afghanistan and the people of Texas through all they have in common—oil, submissive women, cocaine trafficking, highly religious closet drinkers—a great idea.”
Treasury Secretary Ben Bernanke was less sanguine. “This could be the cost that breaks the bank. We’d have to replace the 240 thousand 50-star flags located on federal property. And, since they’re all made in China, that change would increase our trade deficit by five million dollars, unless we can get a better deal through Walmart.”
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Bernanke Recommends Increasing Retirement Age to 108
Bernanke Recommends Increasing Retirement Age to 108
by Bill Britton
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Wednesday, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said Congress should rein in future Social Security and Medicare costs by raising the retirement age to 108. The Fed chief's comments stirred political ripples, with Senator John Kerry (D-MA) saying he would favor sending members of Congress, who vote in favor of reduced benefits, to Guantanamo Bay’s terrorist resort where they could live out their Golden Years. Other Capitol Hill Democrats said the previous administration’s tax cuts were to blame, although they admitted to benefitting from them.
President Obama said he would safeguard those at or near retirement, in particular Vice President Biden, something that former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan suggested as well. Urging swift action on the spiraling budget deficit, forecast to hit a record $482 billion this year, Greenspan told the House of Representatives Budget Committee that spending restraints were the best way to meet future commitments, rather than raising taxes on millionaires and endangering their children’s inheritance: “The exact magnitude of said risk is very difficult to calculate, given the egregious duplicitousness of arbitrage compexities in the secondary market, but they are of enough alarm, in my judgment, to warrant closing the fiscal fissure primarily, if not wholly, by reducing benefits due the common Joe-the-Plumber, or Rosy-the-Riveter, or other marginally contributory fringe input to economic viability.”
In response to questions, Greenspan said failure to tackle looming budget shortfalls would push long-term interest rates higher—a potential constraint on the economy—and would jeopardize his personal fortune and thus annoy his wife, NBC correspondent Andrea Mitchell. He emphasized that “if Congress were to reduce social security benefits, it had better do so quickly to minimize the pain on voters near retirement. In this way, later retirees would have time to digest a smaller piece of the retirement pie as well as to cultivate a taste for Alpo.”
Obama warned of this looming budget crunch as tens of millions of baby boomers, born in the years after World War II, begin to qualify for early retirement benefits and look for ways to gas up their now-idle Hummers and SUVs. “This dramatic demographic change is certain to place enormous demands on our country's ability to maintain our national ethos of materialism unless action is taken,” he said. “For a variety of reasons, that action is better taken as soon as possible and should come out of the hides of the average Joe, or Rosy, or any other Fox News addict.”
Representative John Boehner (R-OH) said that “even with the so-called normal retirement age climbing to 80 or higher in the next two decades, the years people spend in retirement—sitting in web chairs, drinking six-packs of Bud, and dipping their Twinkies in guacamole—will increase, since Americans are living longer. In view of the upward ratcheting of government programs and the enormous uncertainty about the upper bounds of future demands for medical care, I believe that a thorough review of our commitment to allow old people to screw up their bodies is prudent in the long term.”
by Bill Britton
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Wednesday, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said Congress should rein in future Social Security and Medicare costs by raising the retirement age to 108. The Fed chief's comments stirred political ripples, with Senator John Kerry (D-MA) saying he would favor sending members of Congress, who vote in favor of reduced benefits, to Guantanamo Bay’s terrorist resort where they could live out their Golden Years. Other Capitol Hill Democrats said the previous administration’s tax cuts were to blame, although they admitted to benefitting from them.
President Obama said he would safeguard those at or near retirement, in particular Vice President Biden, something that former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan suggested as well. Urging swift action on the spiraling budget deficit, forecast to hit a record $482 billion this year, Greenspan told the House of Representatives Budget Committee that spending restraints were the best way to meet future commitments, rather than raising taxes on millionaires and endangering their children’s inheritance: “The exact magnitude of said risk is very difficult to calculate, given the egregious duplicitousness of arbitrage compexities in the secondary market, but they are of enough alarm, in my judgment, to warrant closing the fiscal fissure primarily, if not wholly, by reducing benefits due the common Joe-the-Plumber, or Rosy-the-Riveter, or other marginally contributory fringe input to economic viability.”
In response to questions, Greenspan said failure to tackle looming budget shortfalls would push long-term interest rates higher—a potential constraint on the economy—and would jeopardize his personal fortune and thus annoy his wife, NBC correspondent Andrea Mitchell. He emphasized that “if Congress were to reduce social security benefits, it had better do so quickly to minimize the pain on voters near retirement. In this way, later retirees would have time to digest a smaller piece of the retirement pie as well as to cultivate a taste for Alpo.”
Obama warned of this looming budget crunch as tens of millions of baby boomers, born in the years after World War II, begin to qualify for early retirement benefits and look for ways to gas up their now-idle Hummers and SUVs. “This dramatic demographic change is certain to place enormous demands on our country's ability to maintain our national ethos of materialism unless action is taken,” he said. “For a variety of reasons, that action is better taken as soon as possible and should come out of the hides of the average Joe, or Rosy, or any other Fox News addict.”
Representative John Boehner (R-OH) said that “even with the so-called normal retirement age climbing to 80 or higher in the next two decades, the years people spend in retirement—sitting in web chairs, drinking six-packs of Bud, and dipping their Twinkies in guacamole—will increase, since Americans are living longer. In view of the upward ratcheting of government programs and the enormous uncertainty about the upper bounds of future demands for medical care, I believe that a thorough review of our commitment to allow old people to screw up their bodies is prudent in the long term.”
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