God Announces 2011 Angel Quota

Two angels from 2009 quota

God Announces 2011 Angel Quota

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Bryant Wright, President of the Southern Baptist Convention, announced today that a committee of fellow pastors recently completed a conference call with God. Preliminary results from this confab indicate that God will require 52,000 new angels in 2011. The age limit of 5, imposed by Emperor Constantine in 335 C.E., will continue in force.

“God was calling for twice that number,” said Wright, “but we convinced Him that the lower figure would be sufficient.” When asked where the new angels would come from, Wright replied, “Half will come from sub-Sahara Africa. They get bleached once they pass through the Pearly Gates, so they can be any color.”

The pastors expressed some concern that Heaven might be getting overcrowded. God reassured them that this was impossible, since Heaven was flat and only ten miles square. The oldest angels are routinely pushed over the edge where they enjoy eternal peace in Oblivion, the last stop for believers.

Pressed as to whether there were angels assembled in Heaven from other parts of the universe, God admitted that one alien group was en route and was to arrive during Hanukkah on December 4, which upset several in the Baptist group. “Why couldn’t God delay their arrival until December 25th?” asked Rev. Jimmy Bob Haggler from Pascagoula, Mississippi. “The Jews get all the breaks and even get credit for the fact that Jesus was a rabbi.”

Apparently, the alien angels are from a planet circling Delta Clitori, some 11-million light years from Earth and 6-billion light years from Heaven. To keep them occupied, the children’s program and intergalactic favorite, Teletubbies©, runs continuously. Another group from Alpha Viagri is scheduled to arrive on Easter Sunday, much to the relief of the pastors.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

I.Q. of Intelligent Design’s Creator Pegged at 78

I.Q. of Intelligent Design’s Creator Pegged at 78

By Bill Britton

After a series of exhaustive tests, researchers at the U.S. Department of Education have found that the “higher being” responsible for Intelligent Design (ID) has an IQ of 78. This number falls within a range signifying “borderline deficiency in intelligence.” The release of the news sparked a number of protests around the country. John H. Calvert, Managing Director of the ID Network, claimed that the test was unfair: “How can a two-hour test be fair? It took God millions of years to design the human eye. How can He be expected to complete a 100-word quiz in two hours? I never said He was a Mensa candidate.”

Leading atheist Richard Dawkins disputed the findings. “I cannot attest to the validity of this, quote, ‘God,’ being the Big Banger himself, or herself, for that matter. I believe He should undergo rigorous scrutiny. For example, can He recite the Bible and Qur’an word-for-word? Where’s his laboratory? I think the whole thing’s a sham meant to equate His intelligence with the typical believer’s. Ask the folks stranded by volcanic ash if they think He’s so clever. Ask the people in Haiti, for that matter.”

Education Secretary Arne Duncan said that “it looks like God never had the benefit of the ‘No Child Left Behind’ program. Perhaps we can get Him some remedial help. First I’d have to check with Director Pete Orszag over at the Office of Management and Budget to see if we can come up with the necessary money. If not, we could always get a smaller White House Christmas tree this year and sign on a tutor funded with the savings.”

Shunning Salvation

Shunning Salvation

by Bill Britton

In Abram's streets and alleyways
his sons preach conflagration,
as mothers of these selfsame sons
shout cheers of adoration.

Flocks of faithful line a square
in rabid admiration,
drawn by the lure of papal love
and papal accusation.

Radios in Southern towns
eruct their allocation
of Bible lore and cures for souls
through cash remuneration.

Mosque, synagogue, and church demand
unwavering affirmation
of tales and lessons clerics mold
to suit a congregation.

Their ills of mind and mortal flesh
are rendered adulation
apropos of God's mysteries
and willful approbation.

Suffer the little children, He says,
and suffer the humiliation
of original sin's ancient decrees
and eternal castigation.

Believers shun those who sense
the twisted conjuration
of gods who martyr innocents
while granting dispensation.

Still, the Godhead myth persists unchecked
by thoughtful contemplation,
and like a virus lingers on
in every generation.