Glenn Beck: “Drain, Baby, Drain!”

Glenn Beck: “Drain, Baby, Drain!”

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Fox News’ Glenn Beck announced the results of a week-long conference he organized to find a way to deal with oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico from the destroyed BP drilling rig: “The best long-term solution would be to drain all the water from the Gulf of Mexico so that the oil can be recovered with minimal damage to the ecosystem while at the same time ensuring BP’s profitability. BP could then, of course, run a pipeline directly to a Louisiana refinery. Just think—oystermen and shrimpers could harvest their catch using farmers’ combines instead of having to risk their lives on the water.”

The benefits to all concerned are obvious, claimed Beck, who has been in touch with Dick Cheney, former chair of Halliburton. “Dick told me that the way to expedite the whole operation would be to tender a no-bid contract to Halliburton, since his former company perfected this business method in the early decades of the Iraq war. He has assured me that a levee could be built between the Florida Everglades and the Cancun, Mexico in a matter of weeks. Then it’s simply a matter of getting that creepy governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal, to position the state’s fire trucks along the levee and pump all the water out of the Gulf.”

One concern is the fact that illegal aliens would have additional access to hundreds of miles of coastal America’s borders, plus the question was raised about what to do with the continuing flow of water from the Mississippi River. “No problem,” countered Beck. “We could just direct that water up the Rio Grande. That ditch has been damn-near dry for 50 years anyway. Help with the illegals nuisance too.”