Post-War Plans See Afghanistan as 51st State

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Post-War Plans See Afghanistan as 51st State

By Bill Britton

WASHINGTON, DC — In an interview with Larry King on CNN, White House Adviser Rahm Emanuel hinted that Afghanistan would become the fifty-first state soon after the country is democratized. “It will be a mutually beneficial relationship,” Emanuel said. “The people of Afghanistan are excited about their impending statehood.” Asked about how they felt about the U.S. war effort, Emanuel responded, “The Afghani people have enough sense to stay away from targeted areas. Besides, who wants to live next to a terrorist camp? That’s not particularly good for your long-term health.”

When King wondered what form of government the fifty-first state might take, Emanuel said, “I think we’d use the Louisiana model with parishes instead of counties, but they’d be called mosquettes so as not to offend the populace. I can see actor Johnny Depp finishing up his career as governor of our new state, a soft and cuddly version of bin Laden. Sort of looks like General MacArthur. And you know how the Japs came to love Doug. At least that’s the image we want to project.”

Emanuel continued, “We have to give these folks a whole new identity. President Obama had a great idea the other day by suggesting that Afghanistan be renamed Texistan. Kind of bring together the people of Afghanistan and the people of Texas through all they have in common—oil, submissive women, cocaine trafficking, highly religious closet drinkers—a great idea.”

Treasury Secretary Ben Bernanke was less sanguine. “This could be the cost that breaks the bank. We’d have to replace the 240 thousand 50-star flags located on federal property. And, since they’re all made in China, that change would increase our trade deficit by five million dollars, unless we can get a better deal through Walmart.”

Walmart to Offer Terrorist Accessories

Walmart to Offer Terrorist Accessories

By Bill Britton

Recognizing shifting U.S. demographics, Walmart’s 2010 product line will include useful accessories specifically designed to appeal to the terrorist segment. “This is an important customer group for us,” said Walmart spokesperson Shabaella Fou. “Plus it promises excellent long-term growth.”

The initial offering will be restricted to three products. “We want to see what’s most viable for the active terrorist. Focus group results have indicated that the items should be both practical and stylish.” Fou’s assistant Randy Heedless continued, “The products should exude a sense of mystery and intrigue, as well as appeal to all ethnicities, from IRA bombers to Chetznian rebels.”

Heading up the list of new products is “Bomb Thongs for Men®,” which come in Guantanamo Grey, Dynamite Red, and Crazy-Man Stripes. The thongs feature multiple pockets attached to the waistband, two of which are pre-wired for detonation devices. An equivalent for women, “Bomb Thongs for Gals®,” will be offered in the fall.

An ADA-approved walker, with a capacity of 2 pounds of plastic explosives or six sticks of dynamite, will be available for the older terrorist. The “Wanker-Walker®,” designed by I.M. Wanker, includes a detailed instruction book and a 3-ounce spray can of bat guano essence, which, when applied to underarms, will deter body searches by airport security personnel or border guards.

In Walmart’s effort to appeal to all age groups, an “Osama Squeeze-Me Doll®” in various skin tones will come to market for the 2010 Holiday season. A pressure-sensitive trigger is hidden in its chubby cheeks and wired to the explosives compartment. With a suggested retail price of $18.99 (batteries and explosives not included), Walmart executives expect the doll to exceed Barbie® sales by a factor of two.

All products are being offered with a money-back guarantee.

Walmart Announces New 3-Tier Pricing Strategy

Walmart Announces New 3-Tier Pricing Strategy
Strategy mimics earlier Sears’s effort

By Bill Britton

Lee Scott, Walmart President and CEO, unveiled an exciting new pricing strategy for its 6,100 stores around the world. Scott said his model is “based on a Sears strategy from years ago that segmented products into ‘Good,’ ‘Better,’ ‘Best’ categories.” To distinguish Walmart’s effort, their marketers have assigned these category names: “Shoddiest,” “Shoddier,” and “Shoddy.”

To further leverage Walmart’s position in the marketplace, the company will emphasize the “Shoddiest” category in its buying plans. “Walmart wants to be second to none in offering the lowest prices and poorest quality, always.” The word “Always” has become synonymous with the Walmart logo and is proudly displayed on its store fronts and trucks.

The Walmart announcement is apparently the cause of last week’s 400-plus-point drop in the U.S. stock market and the 9-percent drop in equities around the world. The managing director general of the Asian Development Bank, Rajat M. Nag, said that “the shift toward lower-priced merchandise at Walmart will certainly depress the long-term growth of the Chinese economy and at the same time rein in consumer spending in the U.S.”