Texas Governor Perry Calls for Washington to Secede

The United State of Washington flag

By Bill Britton

Texas Governor Rick Perry said today that, if elected President, he would put in motion a secession plan for the nation’s capitol, Washington, D.C. The recently announced presidential candidate hinted several years ago that Texas could secede should the Federal Government become too burdensome. “I believe it’s best if Washington leaves the Union,” said Perry. “This would allow the 50 states to become independent entities with their own armed forces and tax rates, which in the case of Texas would be zero. And since everyone over age 5 has a gun, every Texan’s security is a done deal.”

MSNBC reporter Chuck Todd challenged Perry’s plan, saying that the Constitution would prohibit secession. Perry responded by accusing Todd of being a “spokesman for liberal extremism and a secular humanist, the most ungodly mix imaginable. Besides, the good old boys on the Supreme Court are on my side. If they had the balls to call corporations ‘individuals’, they sure as hell won’t hesitate to call the states ‘countries’.”

Michelle Bachmann, the Tea Party’s poster babe, quickly signed on to Perry’s plan: “I only wish I thought of it first. Just think, in one fell swoop we could eliminate Social Security, Medicare, the EPA, and all those other boondoggles. Plus I wouldn’t have to listen to that queer Barney Frank and his rants about the middle class. The middle class is just fine. They have their NASCAR, McDonalds, and Wal-Mart, everything for the good life.”

Perry said that all government programs would be turned over to the private sector, which would eliminate the need for lobbyists: “Those K-Street types would no longer have to bribe Congress with campaign money. Katy, bar the door! Think how much this would add to the bottom lines of all the oil companies in my state.”

Republicans Set Brackets for 2012 Nomination

Rick Perry shooting liberals from trees

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Republican National Committee (RNC) has set the brackets for the 2012 nominating convention to be held in Tampa, Florida, starting in August 2012. Top seed is Mitt Romney, despite the fact that his political history reads like a Democrat’s “How To” book.

Second seed is Michelle Bachmann, famed historian, who plans to care for 26 additional foster children for a total of 49, which, as she said, would match the number of states. When told that there are 50 states, Bachmann responded by claiming that Hawaii is not a state and that President Obama’s citizenship was proven invalid.

Tim Pawlenty, Gary Johnson, and John Huntsman, third, fourth, and fifth seeds, respectively, are in a battle to determine who can capture the so-called “boredom” vote, the segment of the Republican party that subscribes to Birdwatcher Magazine. According to his former students, sixth seed Newt Gingrich should be part of this group, although his predisposition for trophy wives and jewelry is at odds with a boring lifestyle.

Seventh and eighth seeds, “The Two Ricks,” Santorum and Perry, are in competition for the “Most Ignorant Candidate Award,” given every election cycle by Fox News Chairman, Roger Ailes. “I wanted to give the award to Michelle,” said Ailes, “but she’s been boning up on sixth-grade history, which disqualifies her.”

Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain is relegated to ninth seed, mainly because he failed to attain the rank of Eagle Scout like his male competitors.

Of course the great unknown are the intentions of Sarah Palin, who some describe as the seediest of the potential nominees. When last seen, she and husband Todd were converting the “One Nation” tour bus into a moose blind with a 50-caliber machine gun mounted on the roof.