Texas Governor Perry Calls for Washington to Secede

The United State of Washington flag

By Bill Britton

Texas Governor Rick Perry said today that, if elected President, he would put in motion a secession plan for the nation’s capitol, Washington, D.C. The recently announced presidential candidate hinted several years ago that Texas could secede should the Federal Government become too burdensome. “I believe it’s best if Washington leaves the Union,” said Perry. “This would allow the 50 states to become independent entities with their own armed forces and tax rates, which in the case of Texas would be zero. And since everyone over age 5 has a gun, every Texan’s security is a done deal.”

MSNBC reporter Chuck Todd challenged Perry’s plan, saying that the Constitution would prohibit secession. Perry responded by accusing Todd of being a “spokesman for liberal extremism and a secular humanist, the most ungodly mix imaginable. Besides, the good old boys on the Supreme Court are on my side. If they had the balls to call corporations ‘individuals’, they sure as hell won’t hesitate to call the states ‘countries’.”

Michelle Bachmann, the Tea Party’s poster babe, quickly signed on to Perry’s plan: “I only wish I thought of it first. Just think, in one fell swoop we could eliminate Social Security, Medicare, the EPA, and all those other boondoggles. Plus I wouldn’t have to listen to that queer Barney Frank and his rants about the middle class. The middle class is just fine. They have their NASCAR, McDonalds, and Wal-Mart, everything for the good life.”

Perry said that all government programs would be turned over to the private sector, which would eliminate the need for lobbyists: “Those K-Street types would no longer have to bribe Congress with campaign money. Katy, bar the door! Think how much this would add to the bottom lines of all the oil companies in my state.”

Rep. King Begins Crusade Against Muslims

Rep. Peter King's favorite footware

Rep. King Begins Crusade Against Muslims

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Representative Peter King (R-NY) has begun hearings on the radicalization of the Muslim community in the U.S. His congressional committee has decided to extend its mandate to cover certain business groups in the U.S., including the 7-11 League of Unabashed Taliban (“7-11-LOUT”), the Muslim Alliance of Gas-Guzzling Osama Disciples (“MAGGOD”), and the Muslim Extremist Cooperative Council of America (“MECCA”).

Rep. King began his probe at the urging of Igor deSerpent, president of SWAMP (So Worried about Muslim Practices), a Tea-Party-staffed political action committee funded by the billionaire Koch brothers, whose coal-mining operation in West Virginia provided background for the recent documentary film, “Why the Appalachians Should Be Flattened.”

During an MSNBC interview, Chris Matthews asked King why Muslims were being targeted. He replied that “Muslims want to establish a caliphate in the U.S., which can be seen by the fact that President Obama has built a mosque in the basement of the White House. Plus, the carpet in the Oval Office bearing the Presidential Seal has been replaced by a prayer rug made by child labor, specifically, his daughters Malia and Sasha. And, his wife Michelle wears a burqa.”

When Matthews suggested that the burqa was in fact a scarf similar to those worn by many American women, King became enraged and began speaking in tongues, which caused the hundreds of Christian fundamentalists picketing MSNBC to collapse on the sidewalk in rapturous writhing. MSNBC President Phil Griffin reacted by saying, “One of them wasn’t Rush Limbaugh, was it? He’s been known to fall into a cataleptic fit whenever he hears names like Obama, Gore, or Pelosi.”

Rep. King plans to follow up the present inquiry with one that will focus on the question of why liberal elites wear Crocs sandals rather than Walmart flip-flops.