China Running Out of Oxygen

China Running Out of Oxygen

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Premier Wen Jiabao of China, in a nationally televised address, called on his countrymen to consume less oxygen: “We are facing a critical point in the Peoples’ Revolution,” said Jiabao. “For us to continue on the shining path toward world domination, we must rein in the consumption of this vital resource. Our smelting plants have seen their efficiency decline by 15 percent because of a corresponding drop in atmospheric oxygen, which now stands at 18 percent, not the normal 21 percent.”

To restore atmospheric oxygen to its pre-revolutionary level, several major reforms will be put in place. Ordinary citizens will be allowed ten breaths per minute, instead of the normal fifteen. Exceptions will be made for athletes, speakers at political rallies, and those engaged in sexual activity. Cigarette consumption will be reduced to four packs per day per person, down from the normal six. Nicotine content in the popular brand, Zhong Nan Hai, will be doubled to calm frazzled nerves as a result of reduced puffing.

China’s EPA chief, Chou Em Doun, claims that the problem began during the Ming Dynasty, when the Great Wall was completed: “The wall much too high and brocks flesh air from Manchuria and Siberia. It should be air-rifted to Beijing and turned into theme park.” When the interviewer raised the possibility that China’s huge number of coal-burning power plants might be using up the oxygen, Doun replied, “You been on the pipe too much getting high. Here, have a Hai instead.”

In a related development, McKinsey, the global consulting firm, revealed that China’s move to install giant wind farms for “green” electricity is a ruse. They are in reality fan farms whose purpose is to pull down fresh air from the north.

Last U.S. Manufacturer Moves to China

Engineer Ingvold Aibinstuggen pin-testing his latest design

Last U.S. Manufacturer Moves to China

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Not unexpectedly, the Autsch Pin Company announced today that it will move its manufacturing operations to China. CEO Arvid Lindstrom cited a shrinking labor force in Bagville, Minnesota where the company is headquartered. “Young people just don’t seem turned on by pins like they were when I graduated college. They’d rather get a degree in fine arts and flip burgers in an urban cesspool like St. Cloud.”

Lindstrom continued, “Several years ago, an attempt was made to change our city’s name from Bagville to Pinville which was felt to be much more apropos ever since the Lebensmittelgeschäft Bag Company pulled up stakes and moved to Dubai. But then we found a 40-year supply of envelopes in the city hall basement with ‘Bagville’ printed on them, so the mayor decided to withdraw a proposed referendum.”

R&D will remain in Bagville, where Autsch product designers have begun work on an Ouch-Less Pin®, which features a blunt instead of pointed tip. When asked if this would defeat the pin’s purpose, design engineer Ingvold Aibinstuggen replied, “We still have a lot of work to do, but I feel confident that the future of this business lies in being ouch-less. Look what it did for Johnson & Johnson and their Band-Aides.”

Several years ago, the Science Channel came to Bagville to film a feature on pin-making for its program, “How It's Made.” However, program director Herb Ennui said that no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get the segment to run more than 45 seconds. “It seems that thin wire goes in one end of a machine, and a pin comes out the other,” said Ennui. “Maybe the ouch-less pin will give us something more to work with.”