Presidential Candidate Cruz Says that Tax System Should Be “Voluntary”

By Bill Britton

Senator Cruz when not praying

Special to TPN — Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) followed up his announcement that he was running for President in 2016 with this statement given to Matt Lauer of the Today Show: “I believe the IRS should be eliminated and taxes made voluntary. It works great in the Fundamentalist Holy-Roller Baptist Church in Houston, where I pray for 12 hours each Sunday. We’d just have to pass a second plate for the Federal government. Either that, or we could just give 10 percent of the Sunday offerings to the Feds.”

When pressed concerning the likelihood that such a system would bankrupt the federal government, Cruz shouted, “That’s my plan! You got it! Without enough money coming in, I could do away with the EPA and FDA and all those other useless agencies. Whatever’s left I’ll turn over to the private sector. The Koch brothers will do a great job regulating the coal industry. By the way, let’s subsidize the installation of coal-fired furnaces in every American home. The damn Chinese have pulled ahead of in the area of carbon emissions.”

Cruz went on: “Of course, under my administration, church attendance would be made mandatory, which would ensure that both plates would be filled. It’s all part of my belief that ours is a Christian nation and that the flames of Hell will consume all non-believers and Nancy Pelosi.”

Cruz’s father, Rafael Cruz, is director of Purifying Fire International Ministry and has said his son is one who is anointed as “king” to take control of all sectors of society, an agenda commonly referred to as the “Seven Mountains” mandate, and “bring the spoils of war to the priests,” and thus guarantee a “great transfer of wealth” from the “wicked” to righteous gentile believers.

When Lauer reminded Senator Cruz that this “transfer” has already taken place, his response was that “You can never do enough for the 1 percent. After all, without them, we wouldn’t have the Kardashians.”

Sawdust Approved as Food Supplement

New high-fiber, high-protein sawdust cereal with fly maggots

Sawdust Approved as Food Supplement

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved sawdust as a food supplement. FDA administrator Constance Twiddle announced that the following varieties are suitable for human consumption: white pine, white birch, and white ash. Specifically excluded from the list are black walnut, black oak, and black locust. “The latter three varieties are too difficult to integrate into breakfast cereals and bread products,” said Twiddle, “although yellow pine and red oak might be approved pending further testing.”

Beyond the obvious uses in cereals (for example, shredded wheat) and whole-grain breads, sawdust will most likely be blended into other foods as well, including chopped beef, sausages, canned soups, and a variety of prepared foods. McDonald’s has already branded one new entrée in its fast-food lineup, the McWoody. Chicken McTwiggins is also being considered.

FDA approval came on the heels of the latest survey on obesity in the United States conducted by Surgeon General’s office, which found that 34% of adult Americans are obese. Spokesperson Prudence Gurth said that the addition of sawdust to the American diet “will reduce caloric uptake, while its scouring properties will reduce the need for tooth brushing.” Gurth’s statement had an immediate effect on toothcare-related stocks, with Colgate falling 28% by close on Tuesday.

In contrast, lumber giant Georgia-Pacific stock rose 22%. CEO Tim Berland saw this as a great opportunity to expand the company’s presence in Africa: “All those starving people could use a little sawdust in their diet. I’m working out a deal with the De Beers diamond folks to pay their miners in part with sawdust. It’s just the right thing to do and part of the West’s effort to ease the plight of Africans who still remain the so-called white man’s burden, as English poet Rudyard Kipling once wrote.”