Gingrich’s “Brilliance” Outshines Einstein's

"Mine's this long, Mitt. Can you beat that?"

Gingrich’s “Brilliance” Outshines Einstein's

By Bill Britton

In a nationally televised news conference, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich revealed that his I.Q. is 20 points higher than renowned physicist Albert Einstein. “The American people know that I am basically a modest individual, but I felt I owed it to my adoring public to no longer hide my intellectual brilliance under a bushel, so to speak,” said Gingrich who now wears his academic robes 24/7.

As verification of that brilliance, Bob Jones University has created a new academic award, summa cum bubba, which will be reserved for those whose intellectual capacity exceeds that of Einstein. Gingrich, who graduated magna cum-a, cum-a, cum-a laude from Tulane University, has enjoyed a steady stream of academic awards, beginning with the DuPont science award that he received at age 6 for discovering the reason why peanuts split into two sections: “Essentially, I concluded that it was God’s will, and another example of Intelligent Design.”

Gingrich said he enjoys debating with the other Republican candidates: “My credentials are impeccable and include my capacity to womanize even ugly bitches. I’m just hoping the committee finally agrees to put my podium next to Rick Perry’s in the next debate. I’ll destroy his concentration with my best come-hither glances. Plus I’ll point out that he graduated magna cum nada from Texas State.

Concerning the potential male candidates, Gingrich was equally dismissive: “Romney’s a Mormon—‘nuf said, and Herman Cain’s pizza is too salty, which is why he bailed. By the time I’m finished with ‘em, they won’t know the difference between Lincoln and Washington, which in the case of Perry is a done deal.”

Republican Candidates To Be Sacked

Lady Gaga Set To Meat Up With Them

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Republican National Committee (RNC) may organize a potato-sack race to eliminate the uncertainty over its eventual presidential nominee. Although Mitt Romney has consistently polled 25% of Republican voters, that is not enough to ensure his nomination. Because of this dilemma, the RNC felt it had no alternative but to formulate a more objective nominating process.

Ground rules are still being discussed, but a member of the committee leaked several to this reporter. The event will take place in Tropicana Field in Tampa, the host city for the nominating convention. The race course will be 100 yards in length, with female candidates given a 10-yard advantage. Although Michelle Bachmann is the only announced female, it is expected that Sarah Palin will enter because she completed a course in sack racing at Wasilla Adult Community Organization (WACO) in Alaska.

Former Texas Tech cheerleader Rick Perry has objected to the plan based on the medical fact that people like him with no necks cannot generate the proper body motion to compete effectively. Perry suggests that a modified greased-pig contest be held, with Lady Gaga dressed in a Bikini top and thong and slathered with Texas barbeque sauce.

A surging Herman Cain—and Godfather’s Pizza CEO—volunteered five gallons of marinara sauce to use instead, but the RNC feels that barbeque is more in the American tradition and is consistent with Lady Gaga’s fondness for meaty attire. The celebrity performer has promised that her outfit will be in good taste.

Ron Paul has denied accusations of blood doping to enhance his chances: “I don’t need blood. Unlike the other candidates, I don’t have to spend $9.88 for a mask at Wal-Mart. What you see is what you get, fear-wise, that is.”

Satellite Debris Kills Bull: Obama Blamed

Bobby-Joe Killicat and his son guarding the Winnebago containing satellite debris.

Satellite Debris Kills Bull: Obama Blamed

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The 20-year-old satellite that crashed into Earth last week had a roughly 1-in-3,200 chance of hitting a person, NASA officials claimed. The Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite, or UARS (pronounced: you-arse), apparently missed the planet’s 7 billion people but shrapnel did hit Gunnar Daligson’s prize bull, Big Johnson, in Willard, Wisconsin.

A broken-hearted Daligson told CNN’s Chris Jansing, “That piece of space junk slammed into the bullpen, and a flying gate hinge castrated Big Johnson quick as a wink. He’s been bellowing one octave higher ever since. Poor feller just stares into his hay trough or bends over looking ‘tween his forelegs.”

White House Liaison David Noble stated that “NASA regrets the castration and will reimburse Mr. Daligson as soon as Congress agrees on Washington’s latest debt-reduction plan. President Obama later denied he pressured NASA to re-program the satellite’s path to hit Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker’s home.”

Several other pieces of debris landed near the Cadillac Ranch in Amarillo, Texas. Local resident Bobby-Joe Killicat gathered them up and put them on display in an old Winnebago across from the ranch. He said, “My cousin Eldred works at the International UFO Museum in Roswell and started talking in tongues when I told him the chunks fell into my back yard. Armageddon is a-comin’!”

Presidential candidate Rick Perry blamed the Obama administration for the breakup of the satellite: “The President must explain to the American people how this could happen. When I’m elected, my administration will install a shield over America to deflect space junk.”

When told of the impracticality of such a shield, Perry responded by saying, “With the Lord’s help all things are possible, with the exception of maybe asking Him to rain on Texas—He sure as Hell screwed that one up.”

Texas Governor Perry Calls for Washington to Secede

The United State of Washington flag

By Bill Britton

Texas Governor Rick Perry said today that, if elected President, he would put in motion a secession plan for the nation’s capitol, Washington, D.C. The recently announced presidential candidate hinted several years ago that Texas could secede should the Federal Government become too burdensome. “I believe it’s best if Washington leaves the Union,” said Perry. “This would allow the 50 states to become independent entities with their own armed forces and tax rates, which in the case of Texas would be zero. And since everyone over age 5 has a gun, every Texan’s security is a done deal.”

MSNBC reporter Chuck Todd challenged Perry’s plan, saying that the Constitution would prohibit secession. Perry responded by accusing Todd of being a “spokesman for liberal extremism and a secular humanist, the most ungodly mix imaginable. Besides, the good old boys on the Supreme Court are on my side. If they had the balls to call corporations ‘individuals’, they sure as hell won’t hesitate to call the states ‘countries’.”

Michelle Bachmann, the Tea Party’s poster babe, quickly signed on to Perry’s plan: “I only wish I thought of it first. Just think, in one fell swoop we could eliminate Social Security, Medicare, the EPA, and all those other boondoggles. Plus I wouldn’t have to listen to that queer Barney Frank and his rants about the middle class. The middle class is just fine. They have their NASCAR, McDonalds, and Wal-Mart, everything for the good life.”

Perry said that all government programs would be turned over to the private sector, which would eliminate the need for lobbyists: “Those K-Street types would no longer have to bribe Congress with campaign money. Katy, bar the door! Think how much this would add to the bottom lines of all the oil companies in my state.”

Republicans Set Brackets for 2012 Nomination

Rick Perry shooting liberals from trees

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Republican National Committee (RNC) has set the brackets for the 2012 nominating convention to be held in Tampa, Florida, starting in August 2012. Top seed is Mitt Romney, despite the fact that his political history reads like a Democrat’s “How To” book.

Second seed is Michelle Bachmann, famed historian, who plans to care for 26 additional foster children for a total of 49, which, as she said, would match the number of states. When told that there are 50 states, Bachmann responded by claiming that Hawaii is not a state and that President Obama’s citizenship was proven invalid.

Tim Pawlenty, Gary Johnson, and John Huntsman, third, fourth, and fifth seeds, respectively, are in a battle to determine who can capture the so-called “boredom” vote, the segment of the Republican party that subscribes to Birdwatcher Magazine. According to his former students, sixth seed Newt Gingrich should be part of this group, although his predisposition for trophy wives and jewelry is at odds with a boring lifestyle.

Seventh and eighth seeds, “The Two Ricks,” Santorum and Perry, are in competition for the “Most Ignorant Candidate Award,” given every election cycle by Fox News Chairman, Roger Ailes. “I wanted to give the award to Michelle,” said Ailes, “but she’s been boning up on sixth-grade history, which disqualifies her.”

Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain is relegated to ninth seed, mainly because he failed to attain the rank of Eagle Scout like his male competitors.

Of course the great unknown are the intentions of Sarah Palin, who some describe as the seediest of the potential nominees. When last seen, she and husband Todd were converting the “One Nation” tour bus into a moose blind with a 50-caliber machine gun mounted on the roof.