Republican Candidates To Be Sacked

Lady Gaga Set To Meat Up With Them

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Republican National Committee (RNC) may organize a potato-sack race to eliminate the uncertainty over its eventual presidential nominee. Although Mitt Romney has consistently polled 25% of Republican voters, that is not enough to ensure his nomination. Because of this dilemma, the RNC felt it had no alternative but to formulate a more objective nominating process.

Ground rules are still being discussed, but a member of the committee leaked several to this reporter. The event will take place in Tropicana Field in Tampa, the host city for the nominating convention. The race course will be 100 yards in length, with female candidates given a 10-yard advantage. Although Michelle Bachmann is the only announced female, it is expected that Sarah Palin will enter because she completed a course in sack racing at Wasilla Adult Community Organization (WACO) in Alaska.

Former Texas Tech cheerleader Rick Perry has objected to the plan based on the medical fact that people like him with no necks cannot generate the proper body motion to compete effectively. Perry suggests that a modified greased-pig contest be held, with Lady Gaga dressed in a Bikini top and thong and slathered with Texas barbeque sauce.

A surging Herman Cain—and Godfather’s Pizza CEO—volunteered five gallons of marinara sauce to use instead, but the RNC feels that barbeque is more in the American tradition and is consistent with Lady Gaga’s fondness for meaty attire. The celebrity performer has promised that her outfit will be in good taste.

Ron Paul has denied accusations of blood doping to enhance his chances: “I don’t need blood. Unlike the other candidates, I don’t have to spend $9.88 for a mask at Wal-Mart. What you see is what you get, fear-wise, that is.”

Republicans Set Brackets for 2012 Nomination

Rick Perry shooting liberals from trees

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Republican National Committee (RNC) has set the brackets for the 2012 nominating convention to be held in Tampa, Florida, starting in August 2012. Top seed is Mitt Romney, despite the fact that his political history reads like a Democrat’s “How To” book.

Second seed is Michelle Bachmann, famed historian, who plans to care for 26 additional foster children for a total of 49, which, as she said, would match the number of states. When told that there are 50 states, Bachmann responded by claiming that Hawaii is not a state and that President Obama’s citizenship was proven invalid.

Tim Pawlenty, Gary Johnson, and John Huntsman, third, fourth, and fifth seeds, respectively, are in a battle to determine who can capture the so-called “boredom” vote, the segment of the Republican party that subscribes to Birdwatcher Magazine. According to his former students, sixth seed Newt Gingrich should be part of this group, although his predisposition for trophy wives and jewelry is at odds with a boring lifestyle.

Seventh and eighth seeds, “The Two Ricks,” Santorum and Perry, are in competition for the “Most Ignorant Candidate Award,” given every election cycle by Fox News Chairman, Roger Ailes. “I wanted to give the award to Michelle,” said Ailes, “but she’s been boning up on sixth-grade history, which disqualifies her.”

Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain is relegated to ninth seed, mainly because he failed to attain the rank of Eagle Scout like his male competitors.

Of course the great unknown are the intentions of Sarah Palin, who some describe as the seediest of the potential nominees. When last seen, she and husband Todd were converting the “One Nation” tour bus into a moose blind with a 50-caliber machine gun mounted on the roof.