Breton Announces Luddite Party Candidacy

Breton Announces Luddite Party Candidacy

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Liam Breton, who fell short in his attempt to incite a national rebellion, has decided to run for U.S. President on the Luddite Party ticket. The Luddite Party was founded by Breton in response to the failure of the major political parties to address the loss of national purpose caused by a preoccupation with iPhones, iPads, and iPods, among other iStuff. [Ed. note: The Luddites were a movement in 19th-century England that viewed the textile machines of the Industrial Age as inherently evil.]

“We must return to our roots,” said Breton, “and toss these devices into the dustbin of history. Steve Jobs is dead — Long live Steve Jobs! — but let’s get his legacy out of our lives before Apple’s latest device, the iSelf, is implanted into the cerebral cortex of every newborn baby.” As noted in an earlier press release, the iSelf was Jobs’ last project at Apple. It is a WiFi-enabled unit that merges PC functionality with 4G networks and a virtual monitor located on the inside of the forehead.

Ron Paul, the libertarian candidate and darling of the Tea Party, was quick to respond to Breton’s announcement: “Who’s this guy think he is? I’ve been a Luddite ever since I began wiping my ass with leaves at age three. What this country really needs is to toss aside all government agencies and all those other things that have corrupted the American dream, from municipal sewer systems to hospitals. Let’s get back to basics and have disease and pestilence cull the weak from society.”

Michelle Bachmann, former candidate and darling of the Tea Party, whose demented eyes had frightened away her most ardent supporters, has now laid claim to being an early Luddite as well: “I burned my bra in seventh grade. My credentials can be seen whenever the temperature dips below 65 degrees.”

Texas Governor Perry Calls for Washington to Secede

The United State of Washington flag

By Bill Britton

Texas Governor Rick Perry said today that, if elected President, he would put in motion a secession plan for the nation’s capitol, Washington, D.C. The recently announced presidential candidate hinted several years ago that Texas could secede should the Federal Government become too burdensome. “I believe it’s best if Washington leaves the Union,” said Perry. “This would allow the 50 states to become independent entities with their own armed forces and tax rates, which in the case of Texas would be zero. And since everyone over age 5 has a gun, every Texan’s security is a done deal.”

MSNBC reporter Chuck Todd challenged Perry’s plan, saying that the Constitution would prohibit secession. Perry responded by accusing Todd of being a “spokesman for liberal extremism and a secular humanist, the most ungodly mix imaginable. Besides, the good old boys on the Supreme Court are on my side. If they had the balls to call corporations ‘individuals’, they sure as hell won’t hesitate to call the states ‘countries’.”

Michelle Bachmann, the Tea Party’s poster babe, quickly signed on to Perry’s plan: “I only wish I thought of it first. Just think, in one fell swoop we could eliminate Social Security, Medicare, the EPA, and all those other boondoggles. Plus I wouldn’t have to listen to that queer Barney Frank and his rants about the middle class. The middle class is just fine. They have their NASCAR, McDonalds, and Wal-Mart, everything for the good life.”

Perry said that all government programs would be turned over to the private sector, which would eliminate the need for lobbyists: “Those K-Street types would no longer have to bribe Congress with campaign money. Katy, bar the door! Think how much this would add to the bottom lines of all the oil companies in my state.”

Breton Nears Completion of Cosmic Ark

Celestial Bunghole ready for liftoff

Debt-Ceiling Compromise Prompts Renewed Interest

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Liam Breton, who several months ago failed in his attempt to foment a second American Revolution, announced today that he has nearly completed constructing a cosmic ark. Named the Celestial Bunghole, the ark is designed to transport the few remaining liberals to “HD 189733b,” an extrasolar planet more than 60 light years from Earth that was found to have organic molecules in its atmosphere. An earlier prototype soared almost 30 feet before Florida neighbor Villin Smutty shot it down with an anti-tank gun, a deed featured in the NRA publication, American Rifleman.

To avoid Smutty’s weaponry, Breton has moved the launch pad to the dense forest on Florida’s Panhandle. Rumors that it is really a missile aimed at Governor Rick Scott’s home are unfounded, said Breton. “You can’t get close enough. He’s got a small army of bald look-alikes in brown shirts guarding it. Besides, there’s a sign on the front gate that says, ‘No One Over 55 Allowed.’”

Now that the Space Shuttle program has ended, public attention has shifted to the Celestial Bunghole. The parking lots around Tallahassee are filling up with motor homes and walkers from as far away as Alaska to witness the launch. The passenger list includes activist Ralph Nader, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, and Horace Tromper, noted castrato and a runner-up on the TV show, “America’s Got Talent.”

Breton is concerned about reports of Tea Party agitators in the area: “They’re angry because the Bunghole has ticketed only 27 liberals. I’ve told them repeatedly that they’re all that’s around. The men are lined up trying to get visas to Scandinavia, which a Gallup poll says boasts the happiest countries in the world. And their wives are on Amazon.com buying rain gear and Rosetta Stone language software.”

We are in deep poop

The Future Is Here

We are in deep poop. The 2012 election will be the scariest. If the economy/employment is still in a deep funk, more Tea Party types will likely be elected and progressivism will continue its slow death. Of course, this is conservatism's long-term objective--to turn this country into an oligarchy with theocratic overtones. From there, it is short hop to delayed elections and the abandonment of democratic principles. People scoff at me when I say this, but as Santayana wrote, "Those who do not know history's mistakes are doomed to repeat them." Besides, who reads history any more other than a decreasing number of academics? Economists certainly don't, nor do politicians.

Republicans Begin Search for New War

Republicans Begin Search for New War

By Bill Britton

Buoyed by the Republican Party’s victories in the mid-term elections, likely House Speaker John (“Weepy”) Boehner (R-Ohio) pledged to find a new war for America: “Let’s face it,” said Boehner, “The American people became totally bored by the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. We need to rouse them out of their lethargy.”

When reminded that those two wars were still ongoing, Boehner replied, “What happened to ‘Mission Accomplished’? I must be spending too much time on the golf course. I’ll have to have a TV screen installed in my tanning bed so I can catch up during cocktail hour. I’m a multitasker, you know.”

Although Iran seems an obvious choice, neocon Richard Perle, who did such a superb job fabricating an excuse to invade Iraq, has a short list that includes Iceland and Grenada. Perle justified both choices by saying, “Iceland has no standing army, so it would be easy pickings. And what an emotional lift it would be for the U.S. public to see our Marines once again storming the beaches of Grenada.”

A GAO report confirmed that both operations would add only $30 to $40 billion to the budget. These funds could be offset easily by cutting the food stamp budget. Tea Party senator-elect Rand Paul (KY) agreed: “Cutting the food stamp program makes sense. The beneficiaries of the program are too fat anyway. The overall health of the country would definitely improve.”

In a related story, Tea Party rising star Christine O’Donnell, who lost in the Delaware Senate race, is early favorite to be Sarah Palin’s choice as Secretary of State after Palin wins the presidency in 2012. Said Palin, “Chrissie is highly qualified. She just needs to sign up for a few political science courses at Delaware County Community College.”

Pat Robertson: God’s Will Has Been Done

Pat Robertson: God’s Will Has Been Done

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Excited by Republican/Tea Party wins in Tuesday’s midterm elections, televangelist Pat Robertson has decided to expand 700 Club membership by offering free tickets on the Rapture Express. The Rapture Express is similar in design to Noah’s Ark, but instead of animal stalls, the vessel is outfitted with luxury staterooms.

Guest host Terry Meeuwsen is in charge of the overall decorating scheme and has promised “a tasteful combination of scenes from Mel Gibson’s ‘The Passion of the Christ,’ which depicts the final hours of our Lord’s agony on the Cross.” The Rapture Express will incorporate a window in the bottom of the hull through which the saved can view those Left Behind.

Membership in the 700 Club starts at $250 per year. Upgrades on the Rapture Express include several penthouses being offered at the discounted price of $9,000. Checks should be made out to P. Robertson and addressed to Acct. 42-8996-37, CH-8098 Zurich (Switzerland).

Robertson talked to Jesus recently who assured him that his Second Coming was imminent: “But before I return, I must get the nasty business of the Tribulation out of the way, those seven years where anyone who chooses not to follow me before the Rapture will experience disaster, pain, and suffering, which will wipe out 75% of all life on the earth. Sort of like the Inquisition, but a hell of a lot worse.”

First responders to this offer include several prominent names in the Tea Party movement: Sarah Palin, Delaware’s Christine O'Donnell, South Carolina’s Jim DeMint, and Nevada’s Sharron Angle. Ms. O’Donnell is a recently reformed witch who has pledged that her “coven will be given over to the Lord, despite the fact that He screwed me out of the Senate seat in Delaware.”