Texas Prohibits Pet Neutering

"Now, darlin', you're the one who wanted to live in Texas."

Austin, Tex. — On Friday, the Texas Senate passed one of the strictest anti-abortion measures in the country. Gov. Rick Perry is expected to sign the bill after a Democratic filibuster blocked its passage last month. Buried in the bill is a provision to prohibit pet neutering, or “spaying,” as it is commonly called.

Gov. Perry applauded lawmakers for passing the bill, saying, “Today the Texas Legislature took its final step in our historic effort to protect life [and] tirelessly defended our smallest and most vulnerable Texans, whether they walk on two legs or four.”

The bill was opposed by leaders of the American Congress of Gynecologists, which ran advertisements that questioned the scientific foundations of the legislation and told legislators to “Get out of our exam rooms.” The bill’s author, Representative Jodie Laubenberg, responded to the ads by saying, “Hell, I kinda like being in there. Got all kinds of videos I’ve uploaded to YouTube. Sold quite a few at the local flea market, too.”

Francois Puces, president of the Texas Veterinary Association, expressed shock at the anti-pet-neutering provision: “The legislature wasn’t thinking. This will only encourage ‘back-alley’ neutering.” Madge Geschnitten, chairperson of the Back-Alley Neutering Group (NYSE: BANG) defended her members by saying, “We provide a service. If they can’t get a doctor to do it, we will, at half the price. More BANG for the buck,” she laughed. BANG stock rose 17 percent on the news.