Thursday, July 18, 2013

Edward Snowden Elected Mayor of Dudinka, Siberia

Picturesque Dudinka
Special to TPN — ITAR-TASS, the Russian news agency, announced that Edward J. Snowden, the former intelligence contractor on the run from the American authorities, has won the mayoralty race in Dudinka (Дуди́нка). Dudinka is the administrative center of Taymyrsky Dolgano-Nenetsky District of Krasnoyarsk Krai, Russia.

The former prison camp has a population of approximately 22,000. Of its 86 eligible voters, Snowden captured 81, Chervi Gryazukha, 4, and Yurine Dripovicz, 1. However, Dripovicz contested the outcome, claiming that Snowden, as an American citizen, is not a qualified candidate. Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov quashed this objection by exhibiting a birth certificate that clearly indicates Novokuznetsk as Snowden’s birthplace.

The office of Russian President Vladimir Putin issued the following statement: “We welcome Mr. Snowden back to his homeland. Representatives from Cheka [Russian secret police] are anxious to interview him to see what other American dirty tricks are afoot.”

The citizens of Dudinka hosted a reception for Mr. Snowden complete with a buffet table featuring borscht, carp, and sautéed pig entrails. Snowden was heard to say to one of his new-found comrades, Svetsky Stinkovich, “Святая корова. Это место супер, но где же торговом центре?” [“Holy cow. This place is great, but where's the mall?”] As he turned away, Stinkovich said to his wife Svetlana, “Хороший парень, но он слишком тощий для нашей дочери. [“Nice guy, but he's too skinny for our daughter.”]

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