Florida OKs Hand Grenades for "Stand-Your-Ground" Defense

By Bill Britton

Bombs-4-U Mk-2 "Peacemaker" Grenade

Special to TPN — Florida Governor Rick Scott today signed into law an expansion of his state’s controversial “Stand-Your-Ground” statute 776.013. Those with so-called “carry” permits for handguns will be allowed to conceal on their persons not more than two standard hand grenades for self-defense purposes.

“Our citizen crime-fighters will enjoy a heightened sense of personal security with this addition,” said Scott. “It will be especially effective when used against gangs that enter white areas from the ‘hood.’ Not that I’m profiling African-Americans—after all, if it’s a group of five, they could only be looking for a pick-up game of basketball.”

Reaction from National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre was swift: “I see this as a natural progression from the flintlock firearms that our Founders used to overcome British tyranny. Today, we have the tyranny of left-wing bureaucrats trying to take our weapons away. I applaud Governor Scott for his wisdom and courage.”

Grenades are available online from Bombs-4-U, Inc. (bombs4u.com). A two-pack sells for $19.99 plus shipping and handling. For a limited time, the company is doubling the offer to four grenades at the same price. Bombs-4-U president Dudley Petard would not confirm reports that George Zimmerman, recently found innocent of murdering Trayvon Martin in Florida, would be hired as a spokesperson: “Mr. Zimmerman is a hero to the weapons industry. His level head and good judgment is what we need more of on the streets and in the alleys of this great country.”

Edward Snowden Elected Mayor of Dudinka, Siberia

Picturesque Dudinka

 

Special to TPN — ITAR-TASS, the Russian news agency, announced that Edward J. Snowden, the former intelligence contractor on the run from the American authorities, has won the mayoralty race in Dudinka (Дуди́нка). Dudinka is the administrative center of Taymyrsky Dolgano-Nenetsky District of Krasnoyarsk Krai, Russia.

The former prison camp has a population of approximately 22,000. Of its 86 eligible voters, Snowden captured 81, Chervi Gryazukha, 4, and Yurine Dripovicz, 1. However, Dripovicz contested the outcome, claiming that Snowden, as an American citizen, is not a qualified candidate. Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov quashed this objection by exhibiting a birth certificate that clearly indicates Novokuznetsk as Snowden’s birthplace.

The office of Russian President Vladimir Putin issued the following statement: “We welcome Mr. Snowden back to his homeland. Representatives from Cheka [Russian secret police] are anxious to interview him to see what other American dirty tricks are afoot.”

The citizens of Dudinka hosted a reception for Mr. Snowden complete with a buffet table featuring borscht, carp, and sautéed pig entrails. Snowden was heard to say to one of his new-found comrades, Svetsky Stinkovich, “Святая корова. Это место супер, но где же торговом центре?” [“Holy cow. This place is great, but where's the mall?”] As he turned away, Stinkovich said to his wife Svetlana, “Хороший парень, но он слишком тощий для нашей дочери. [“Nice guy, but he's too skinny for our daughter.”]

Texas Prohibits Pet Neutering

"Now, darlin', you're the one who wanted to live in Texas."

Austin, Tex. — On Friday, the Texas Senate passed one of the strictest anti-abortion measures in the country. Gov. Rick Perry is expected to sign the bill after a Democratic filibuster blocked its passage last month. Buried in the bill is a provision to prohibit pet neutering, or “spaying,” as it is commonly called.

Gov. Perry applauded lawmakers for passing the bill, saying, “Today the Texas Legislature took its final step in our historic effort to protect life [and] tirelessly defended our smallest and most vulnerable Texans, whether they walk on two legs or four.”

The bill was opposed by leaders of the American Congress of Gynecologists, which ran advertisements that questioned the scientific foundations of the legislation and told legislators to “Get out of our exam rooms.” The bill’s author, Representative Jodie Laubenberg, responded to the ads by saying, “Hell, I kinda like being in there. Got all kinds of videos I’ve uploaded to YouTube. Sold quite a few at the local flea market, too.”

Francois Puces, president of the Texas Veterinary Association, expressed shock at the anti-pet-neutering provision: “The legislature wasn’t thinking. This will only encourage ‘back-alley’ neutering.” Madge Geschnitten, chairperson of the Back-Alley Neutering Group (NYSE: BANG) defended her members by saying, “We provide a service. If they can’t get a doctor to do it, we will, at half the price. More BANG for the buck,” she laughed. BANG stock rose 17 percent on the news.