U.S. Treasury to Issue “Two-Fers”
By Bill Britton
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to bolster the economy, the Treasury Department authorized the nation’s banks to issue “two-fers.” Beginning Monday, all account withdrawals will in effect be doubled, or “double-downed,” as Treasury Secretary Ben Bernanke preferred to describe the initiative. In an interview with NPR’s Cokie Roberts, the secretary said, “This program will double the purchasing power of all Americans, from impoverished A.I.G. executives to the illegal aliens who trim their hedges.”
When reminded that it could result in 100-percent inflation overnight, Bernanke replied, “Yes, that might be true. But just think: a $600 bottle of fine French wine would in reality only cost $300. And all that inventory piling up at Nieman’s and on Mercedes Benz dealer lots would be cleaned out. Plus I’d have to add a third shift at the printing office just to keep up with the demand for new banknotes. The impact on the unemployed will be tremendous. To supply the needed cotton for these bills, ragpicking could become a growth industry.”
This program is the latest in a string of proposals to cure the nation’s financial woes. “Look what the easy availability of money did for Germany during the Great Depression,” said Bernanke. “Granted, Germans were carting paper money home in wheelbarrows because of hyperinflation, but they beat the crap out of Europe in short order just a few years later.”
If successful, the two-fer approach might be extended to toxic assets held by the nation’s banks, assets that were purchased by the federal government for $1 trillion. “Why not offer these assets, essentially homes, at two for the price of one?” said Bernanke in his weekly press conference. “It’s better than having our highly regarded financial institutions go down the drain.”
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Post-War Plans See Afghanistan as 51st State
New Flag
Post-War Plans See Afghanistan as 51st State
By Bill Britton
WASHINGTON, DC — In an interview with Larry King on CNN, White House Adviser Rahm Emanuel hinted that Afghanistan would become the fifty-first state soon after the country is democratized. “It will be a mutually beneficial relationship,” Emanuel said. “The people of Afghanistan are excited about their impending statehood.” Asked about how they felt about the U.S. war effort, Emanuel responded, “The Afghani people have enough sense to stay away from targeted areas. Besides, who wants to live next to a terrorist camp? That’s not particularly good for your long-term health.”
When King wondered what form of government the fifty-first state might take, Emanuel said, “I think we’d use the Louisiana model with parishes instead of counties, but they’d be called mosquettes so as not to offend the populace. I can see actor Johnny Depp finishing up his career as governor of our new state, a soft and cuddly version of bin Laden. Sort of looks like General MacArthur. And you know how the Japs came to love Doug. At least that’s the image we want to project.”
Emanuel continued, “We have to give these folks a whole new identity. President Obama had a great idea the other day by suggesting that Afghanistan be renamed Texistan. Kind of bring together the people of Afghanistan and the people of Texas through all they have in common—oil, submissive women, cocaine trafficking, highly religious closet drinkers—a great idea.”
Treasury Secretary Ben Bernanke was less sanguine. “This could be the cost that breaks the bank. We’d have to replace the 240 thousand 50-star flags located on federal property. And, since they’re all made in China, that change would increase our trade deficit by five million dollars, unless we can get a better deal through Walmart.”
By Bill Britton
WASHINGTON, DC — In an interview with Larry King on CNN, White House Adviser Rahm Emanuel hinted that Afghanistan would become the fifty-first state soon after the country is democratized. “It will be a mutually beneficial relationship,” Emanuel said. “The people of Afghanistan are excited about their impending statehood.” Asked about how they felt about the U.S. war effort, Emanuel responded, “The Afghani people have enough sense to stay away from targeted areas. Besides, who wants to live next to a terrorist camp? That’s not particularly good for your long-term health.”
When King wondered what form of government the fifty-first state might take, Emanuel said, “I think we’d use the Louisiana model with parishes instead of counties, but they’d be called mosquettes so as not to offend the populace. I can see actor Johnny Depp finishing up his career as governor of our new state, a soft and cuddly version of bin Laden. Sort of looks like General MacArthur. And you know how the Japs came to love Doug. At least that’s the image we want to project.”
Emanuel continued, “We have to give these folks a whole new identity. President Obama had a great idea the other day by suggesting that Afghanistan be renamed Texistan. Kind of bring together the people of Afghanistan and the people of Texas through all they have in common—oil, submissive women, cocaine trafficking, highly religious closet drinkers—a great idea.”
Treasury Secretary Ben Bernanke was less sanguine. “This could be the cost that breaks the bank. We’d have to replace the 240 thousand 50-star flags located on federal property. And, since they’re all made in China, that change would increase our trade deficit by five million dollars, unless we can get a better deal through Walmart.”
Murdoch Parties with Filthy at Oyster Bay Estate
Murdoch Parties with Filthy at Oyster Bay Estate
By Bill Britton
SPECIAL TO INS — On Thursday, more than 100 filthy people from Long Island were treated to a luncheon hosted by Fox News CEO Rupert Murdoch. The festivities were held in a corner of Murdoch’s estate normally used by his dog, Hypocrite. In an effort to make the participants feel at home, newly discarded Frigidaire cartons were arranged tastefully on the pee-spot-marked turf. Baked chitlins à l’orange and turnips-sans-dirt served as the main course, along with heaps of day-old bread and tubs of Kool-Aid fortified with Sterno. The meal ended with a delightful sorbet made from recycled fish-market ice and jug wine.
Murdoch’s appearance after dessert was greeted by the assembled guests with much enthusiasm. “This is a great moment for compassionate conservatism,” exclaimed Sean Hannity, Fox News’ second in command of the Fake News Division and event MC. “You will no longer suffer under the Obama label of ‘the homeless.’ From this day forward, you will be known, at least in Oyster Bay, as simply ‘The Filthy.’ This afternoon, you will be herded to temporary quarters near a Long Island Expressway interchange.”
Seven cattle cars are being converted to house The Filthy. Former Secretary of HUD, Mel Martinez, assured the gathering that the cars are “sound and watertight.” His mother-in-law will have the honor of taking up residence in Space 1 on Car 1.
Hannity closed the celebration with a rousing salute to the filthy. “You are America’s true heartland. So let’s lift up our cups and give three cheers for our host, Rupert!” The festivities ended with Rev. Pat Robertson's stirring benediction, which compared The Filthy with the children of Israel, sort of.
By Bill Britton
SPECIAL TO INS — On Thursday, more than 100 filthy people from Long Island were treated to a luncheon hosted by Fox News CEO Rupert Murdoch. The festivities were held in a corner of Murdoch’s estate normally used by his dog, Hypocrite. In an effort to make the participants feel at home, newly discarded Frigidaire cartons were arranged tastefully on the pee-spot-marked turf. Baked chitlins à l’orange and turnips-sans-dirt served as the main course, along with heaps of day-old bread and tubs of Kool-Aid fortified with Sterno. The meal ended with a delightful sorbet made from recycled fish-market ice and jug wine.
Murdoch’s appearance after dessert was greeted by the assembled guests with much enthusiasm. “This is a great moment for compassionate conservatism,” exclaimed Sean Hannity, Fox News’ second in command of the Fake News Division and event MC. “You will no longer suffer under the Obama label of ‘the homeless.’ From this day forward, you will be known, at least in Oyster Bay, as simply ‘The Filthy.’ This afternoon, you will be herded to temporary quarters near a Long Island Expressway interchange.”
Seven cattle cars are being converted to house The Filthy. Former Secretary of HUD, Mel Martinez, assured the gathering that the cars are “sound and watertight.” His mother-in-law will have the honor of taking up residence in Space 1 on Car 1.
Hannity closed the celebration with a rousing salute to the filthy. “You are America’s true heartland. So let’s lift up our cups and give three cheers for our host, Rupert!” The festivities ended with Rev. Pat Robertson's stirring benediction, which compared The Filthy with the children of Israel, sort of.
Top Commander in Afghanistan Replaced by Sergeant
Top Commander in Afghanistan Replaced by Sergeant
By Bill Britton
General Stanley A. McChrystal, the top U.S. commander in Afghanistan, was forced to step down from his post today. His replacement, Master Sergeant Goober Heap, will assume his duties immediately. McChrystal’s position became untenable after he gave the “bird” to Vice President Biden, U.S. Ambassador to Afghanistan, Karl Eikenberry, and an unnamed minister in the French government. McChrystal’s conduct was exposed in an article that appeared in a recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine.
“We cannot have a hired gun like McChrystal giving the bird to members of this Administration,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “The French, yes, and it’s OK to flip one when Senator Man Tan [Rep. John Boehner, R-OH] walks by. After all, Boehner, or Big Boner as we prefer to call him in the White House, does it to the President all the time. One of the President’s goals is to bring more civility to Washington.”
McChrystal was interviewed by this reporter at his retreat in Bladensburg, MD, where he was found cleaning a 155-mm howitzer. “Yeah, I picked up this baby in Kuwait. It’s a bit rusty, but I figure once it’s tidied up, I’ll test her out with a few dummy rounds. Has a range of 16,350 yards, you know—about from here to downtown D.C.”
Sergeant Heap was somewhat confused by his new appointment: “Who the [bleep’s] supposed to salute who? I’m up to my [bleepin’] ass in [bleepin’] majors and [bleepin’] colonels who earn ribbons sittin’ on their [bleepin’] butts playing with each other. Meanwhile, I’m on my fourth [bleepin’] tour in [bleepin’] turbanland with a new [bleepin’] baby at home that looks like the [bleepin’] Tasty Freeze man.”
Larry King, rumored to be still alive, will interview Sergeant Heap on his show this week.
By Bill Britton
General Stanley A. McChrystal, the top U.S. commander in Afghanistan, was forced to step down from his post today. His replacement, Master Sergeant Goober Heap, will assume his duties immediately. McChrystal’s position became untenable after he gave the “bird” to Vice President Biden, U.S. Ambassador to Afghanistan, Karl Eikenberry, and an unnamed minister in the French government. McChrystal’s conduct was exposed in an article that appeared in a recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine.
“We cannot have a hired gun like McChrystal giving the bird to members of this Administration,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “The French, yes, and it’s OK to flip one when Senator Man Tan [Rep. John Boehner, R-OH] walks by. After all, Boehner, or Big Boner as we prefer to call him in the White House, does it to the President all the time. One of the President’s goals is to bring more civility to Washington.”
McChrystal was interviewed by this reporter at his retreat in Bladensburg, MD, where he was found cleaning a 155-mm howitzer. “Yeah, I picked up this baby in Kuwait. It’s a bit rusty, but I figure once it’s tidied up, I’ll test her out with a few dummy rounds. Has a range of 16,350 yards, you know—about from here to downtown D.C.”
Sergeant Heap was somewhat confused by his new appointment: “Who the [bleep’s] supposed to salute who? I’m up to my [bleepin’] ass in [bleepin’] majors and [bleepin’] colonels who earn ribbons sittin’ on their [bleepin’] butts playing with each other. Meanwhile, I’m on my fourth [bleepin’] tour in [bleepin’] turbanland with a new [bleepin’] baby at home that looks like the [bleepin’] Tasty Freeze man.”
Larry King, rumored to be still alive, will interview Sergeant Heap on his show this week.
Obesity: A Cure for Climate Change?
Obesity: A Cure for Climate Change?
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has released the results of a study that sees worldwide obesity as key to reducing carbon emissions and halting climate change. Spokesman Offenscus Contradiscu said that “. . . the amount of carbon that the world population could capture by each adult putting on, say, 100 pounds is tremendous. Of that, 18 pounds is carbon. Multiply that by an adult population of 4 billion and, presto, 72-billion pounds, or 36-million tons, captured.”
Bernhard Snufsdenhendsenson, a reporter from Norway, pointed out that this would amount to only a tiny fraction of carbon emitted by motor vehicles, buildings, and industry each year. This resulted in a heated exchange between Snufsdenhendsenson and Contradiscu, which ended when Contradiscu sat his 350-pound bulk on Snufsdenhendsenson and screamed, “Magre er ikke bety!” (“Lean is not mean!”).
A flushed Contradiscu later suggested that the proposed weight gains might have to be ratcheted up and could be extended to children. Snufsdenhendsenson countered by saying, “The negative effects from this undertaking would be significant: Airline seat widths would have to be increased, reducing passenger capacity. Walmart would have to buy larger shopping baskets and establish a one-way policy for its aisles. And where would the additional Twinkies come from?”
Monsanto, whose genetically modified seed corn has a virtual monopoly on corn production, was elated. “This is a great opportunity,” said Monsanto’s CEO. “Our biggest customers, farmers who grow for Archer Daniels Midland [ADM], have our phones ringing off the hook, saying that soda bottlers like Coke and bakers like Entenmann’s are clamoring for more high-fructose corn syrup to satisfy demand. And look at the impact on manufacturers of diabetes drugs. Eli Lilly is up 8 percent on the IPCC recommendation.”
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has released the results of a study that sees worldwide obesity as key to reducing carbon emissions and halting climate change. Spokesman Offenscus Contradiscu said that “. . . the amount of carbon that the world population could capture by each adult putting on, say, 100 pounds is tremendous. Of that, 18 pounds is carbon. Multiply that by an adult population of 4 billion and, presto, 72-billion pounds, or 36-million tons, captured.”
Bernhard Snufsdenhendsenson, a reporter from Norway, pointed out that this would amount to only a tiny fraction of carbon emitted by motor vehicles, buildings, and industry each year. This resulted in a heated exchange between Snufsdenhendsenson and Contradiscu, which ended when Contradiscu sat his 350-pound bulk on Snufsdenhendsenson and screamed, “Magre er ikke bety!” (“Lean is not mean!”).
A flushed Contradiscu later suggested that the proposed weight gains might have to be ratcheted up and could be extended to children. Snufsdenhendsenson countered by saying, “The negative effects from this undertaking would be significant: Airline seat widths would have to be increased, reducing passenger capacity. Walmart would have to buy larger shopping baskets and establish a one-way policy for its aisles. And where would the additional Twinkies come from?”
Monsanto, whose genetically modified seed corn has a virtual monopoly on corn production, was elated. “This is a great opportunity,” said Monsanto’s CEO. “Our biggest customers, farmers who grow for Archer Daniels Midland [ADM], have our phones ringing off the hook, saying that soda bottlers like Coke and bakers like Entenmann’s are clamoring for more high-fructose corn syrup to satisfy demand. And look at the impact on manufacturers of diabetes drugs. Eli Lilly is up 8 percent on the IPCC recommendation.”
Moose Fever Grips the Nation
Moose Fever Grips the Nation
By Bill Britton
In the wake of Sarah Palin’s continuing surge in popularity following the 2008 election, the nation has been caught up in “moose mania.” Images of Palin hovering over a moose kill in Alaska have electrified the NRA’s membership. Bumper stickers saying “I Killed a Moose for God” are proliferating across the land. Lines hundreds long are forming outside of hunting license outlets in the Northeast and Alaska for permits to kill a moose.
Palin has stoked the mania by offering up her recipes for moose stew and moose-steak tartare. “No chocolate-chip recipes from this babe,” Palin shouted before thousands of adoring fans at a Tea Party rally in Ohio. “My long-term goal is to open up my home state to unrestricted oil drilling and hunting. You’re all invited! Party time on the tundra! BP rules!”
Despite the P.A. system breaking down, Palin was heard loud and clear. “What a voice,” one onlooker exclaimed. Palin was then carried away above the crowd to her waiting limousine in what had turned into a 1980s-style mosh pit.
The scene has been repeated at rallies across America, although several have been disrupted by grandmothers wearing Bullwinkle masks, shouting, “Palin’s a stinky! Save our Bull-winkie! / It’s back to Wasilla for Palin the killer!”
Lost in all the confusion was groupie John McCain, whose murmured words were barely heard by a few stragglers still standing in front of the stadium after the rally: “Drill, Drill, Drill! Kill, Kill, Kill!” He was later seen wandering aimlessly in the parking lot, muttering, “Where the hell are my Secret-Service agents? What state is this?”
By Bill Britton
In the wake of Sarah Palin’s continuing surge in popularity following the 2008 election, the nation has been caught up in “moose mania.” Images of Palin hovering over a moose kill in Alaska have electrified the NRA’s membership. Bumper stickers saying “I Killed a Moose for God” are proliferating across the land. Lines hundreds long are forming outside of hunting license outlets in the Northeast and Alaska for permits to kill a moose.
Palin has stoked the mania by offering up her recipes for moose stew and moose-steak tartare. “No chocolate-chip recipes from this babe,” Palin shouted before thousands of adoring fans at a Tea Party rally in Ohio. “My long-term goal is to open up my home state to unrestricted oil drilling and hunting. You’re all invited! Party time on the tundra! BP rules!”
Despite the P.A. system breaking down, Palin was heard loud and clear. “What a voice,” one onlooker exclaimed. Palin was then carried away above the crowd to her waiting limousine in what had turned into a 1980s-style mosh pit.
The scene has been repeated at rallies across America, although several have been disrupted by grandmothers wearing Bullwinkle masks, shouting, “Palin’s a stinky! Save our Bull-winkie! / It’s back to Wasilla for Palin the killer!”
Lost in all the confusion was groupie John McCain, whose murmured words were barely heard by a few stragglers still standing in front of the stadium after the rally: “Drill, Drill, Drill! Kill, Kill, Kill!” He was later seen wandering aimlessly in the parking lot, muttering, “Where the hell are my Secret-Service agents? What state is this?”
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Florida Homeowners’ Association Bans Dead Leaves
Florida Homeowners’ Association Bans Dead Leaves
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Pierre Saber, president of the Verde Dandé Homeowners’ Association, a 55+ community on Florida’s Gulf Coast, announced that the VD board of directors has passed a series of innovative by-laws designed to protect the community’s home values. “We see the dead-leaf issue as one that has plagued the community for years,” said Saber. “Of course dead palm fronds are unsightly as well, and like all dead things, they should be given a proper Christian burial. To this end, the association has purchased vacant lot 35, now designated Special Holy Interment Terrain, or SHIT for short.”
Other by-laws changes include these measures: reducing maximum grass height from 3.87 to 3.66 inches, prohibiting residents from wearing or playing Grateful Dead-related material between 10:00 pm and 8:00 am, prohibiting topless or bottomless (or both) swimming in residents’ pools unless the participants have a body-mass index (BMI) of less than 25, and requiring residents to install speed bumps in driveways.
A referendum to determine homeowner approval of the new by-laws found 57% in favor, 46% against, and 33% undecided (22% made two or more selections). Eighty-eight-year-old Levi Troll, a former Navy captain and chairman of the HOA’s Nitti Gritty Committee, which formulated the changes, expressed his reaction to the vote: “This is an example of oligarchy in action. I see this as a new beginning for Verde Dandé. At the next committee meeting, I’m going to propose that all 139 homes in the community be painted battleship grey and that razor wire be strung around its borders to keep out undesirables like alligators, kids, and Democrats.”
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Pierre Saber, president of the Verde Dandé Homeowners’ Association, a 55+ community on Florida’s Gulf Coast, announced that the VD board of directors has passed a series of innovative by-laws designed to protect the community’s home values. “We see the dead-leaf issue as one that has plagued the community for years,” said Saber. “Of course dead palm fronds are unsightly as well, and like all dead things, they should be given a proper Christian burial. To this end, the association has purchased vacant lot 35, now designated Special Holy Interment Terrain, or SHIT for short.”
Other by-laws changes include these measures: reducing maximum grass height from 3.87 to 3.66 inches, prohibiting residents from wearing or playing Grateful Dead-related material between 10:00 pm and 8:00 am, prohibiting topless or bottomless (or both) swimming in residents’ pools unless the participants have a body-mass index (BMI) of less than 25, and requiring residents to install speed bumps in driveways.
A referendum to determine homeowner approval of the new by-laws found 57% in favor, 46% against, and 33% undecided (22% made two or more selections). Eighty-eight-year-old Levi Troll, a former Navy captain and chairman of the HOA’s Nitti Gritty Committee, which formulated the changes, expressed his reaction to the vote: “This is an example of oligarchy in action. I see this as a new beginning for Verde Dandé. At the next committee meeting, I’m going to propose that all 139 homes in the community be painted battleship grey and that razor wire be strung around its borders to keep out undesirables like alligators, kids, and Democrats.”
Google Names YouTube Spin-Offs
Google Names YouTube Spin-Offs
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Chief economist at Google, Hal Varian, announced that YouTube, acquired by the search-engine giant in 2007, will spin off a separate entity, YouCrap, to deal with the increased flood of home videos uploaded to its servers. “We want to differentiate newsworthy material from the ton of crappy stuff we get every second of the day,” said Varian. “We felt we had to distinguish things like Japanese toilet pranks and skateboard disasters from worthwhile videos like Lady Gaga and her sparking bra. YouCrap will satisfy the insatiable demand of video contributors who love to bore the crap out of each other—hence the name.”
If successful, other spin-offs could evolve, including YouBoobs, YouButt, YouIncoherentRanting, and YouOffkeySinging, among others. YouWhatsWithJacquesDerrida was dropped after it was determined that such a subset would match the interests of YouIncoherentRanting’s viewership. However, some potential was seen with niche categories such as YouWienerWolfing, YouBulimiaBarfing, YouWalmartWaddler, and other diet-related abnormalities.
Varian expanded on his company’s philosophy, saying, “As with all Google initiatives, the YouTube spin-offs will be in beta mode indefinitely. In this way, we can improve the crap that pays and ditch the rest. For example, there’s a natural synergy between YouBoob and the bra and plastics industries, a mélange that envelops both the A- and B-cup gals and their significant others, particularly those with penile implants. We expect ancillary revenues from ad tie-ins to expand dramatically in parallel with the increased dimensions of nation’s breasts and male members.”
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Chief economist at Google, Hal Varian, announced that YouTube, acquired by the search-engine giant in 2007, will spin off a separate entity, YouCrap, to deal with the increased flood of home videos uploaded to its servers. “We want to differentiate newsworthy material from the ton of crappy stuff we get every second of the day,” said Varian. “We felt we had to distinguish things like Japanese toilet pranks and skateboard disasters from worthwhile videos like Lady Gaga and her sparking bra. YouCrap will satisfy the insatiable demand of video contributors who love to bore the crap out of each other—hence the name.”
If successful, other spin-offs could evolve, including YouBoobs, YouButt, YouIncoherentRanting, and YouOffkeySinging, among others. YouWhatsWithJacquesDerrida was dropped after it was determined that such a subset would match the interests of YouIncoherentRanting’s viewership. However, some potential was seen with niche categories such as YouWienerWolfing, YouBulimiaBarfing, YouWalmartWaddler, and other diet-related abnormalities.
Varian expanded on his company’s philosophy, saying, “As with all Google initiatives, the YouTube spin-offs will be in beta mode indefinitely. In this way, we can improve the crap that pays and ditch the rest. For example, there’s a natural synergy between YouBoob and the bra and plastics industries, a mélange that envelops both the A- and B-cup gals and their significant others, particularly those with penile implants. We expect ancillary revenues from ad tie-ins to expand dramatically in parallel with the increased dimensions of nation’s breasts and male members.”
Sales of Attack Chipmunks Rise
Sales of Attack Chipmunks Rise
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — The Wall Street Journal reported that sales of attack chipmunks increased dramatically in 2009. It estimates that more than 270 thousand of the small rodents have been purchased by Americans in response to terrorist threats since 2001. Moose Rodin, president of Incisors-for-Hire©, said that his operation near Waco, Texas trained and sold 2,200 packs of the vicious animals in the past two years. (Attack chipmunks are generally sold in packs of 10.)
“We expect to double our sales in 2010,” said Rodin. “Their extremely territorial nature allows us to re-channel that aspect of their persona into a kind of take-no-prisoners attitude when it comes to fending off intruders and terrorists. In fact, I’ve just signed a contract with the Defense Department to provide 100 ChipPacks® for Marines in Afghanistan, where they’ll be used to secure defensive perimeters in remote areas.”
A tour of Rodin’s facility by Giuseppe Nunzio of INS was an eye-opener. “I always thought of chipmunks as cute little acorn-eaters,” reported Nunzio. “First I went through the chipmunk barracks, where cagefuls of the little brutes reared up and snarled at me, gnashing out with their razor-sharp yellow teeth. Then I went to the training area where drill instructors ran them though an obstacle course and had them attack robed-and-turbaned dummies. Of course, they spend hours conditioning on spinning treadmills. It was quite impressive.”
Celebrities and other notables are major purchasers. Ellen DeGeneres has more than ten packs, all of which sleep with her. Rush Limbaugh tried a pack, but his insistence that they share his rigid diet of goose-liver pâté and Fritos led to their premature deaths from heart attack and stroke.
60Minutes will air a segment devoted attack chipmunks in late 2010.
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — The Wall Street Journal reported that sales of attack chipmunks increased dramatically in 2009. It estimates that more than 270 thousand of the small rodents have been purchased by Americans in response to terrorist threats since 2001. Moose Rodin, president of Incisors-for-Hire©, said that his operation near Waco, Texas trained and sold 2,200 packs of the vicious animals in the past two years. (Attack chipmunks are generally sold in packs of 10.)
“We expect to double our sales in 2010,” said Rodin. “Their extremely territorial nature allows us to re-channel that aspect of their persona into a kind of take-no-prisoners attitude when it comes to fending off intruders and terrorists. In fact, I’ve just signed a contract with the Defense Department to provide 100 ChipPacks® for Marines in Afghanistan, where they’ll be used to secure defensive perimeters in remote areas.”
A tour of Rodin’s facility by Giuseppe Nunzio of INS was an eye-opener. “I always thought of chipmunks as cute little acorn-eaters,” reported Nunzio. “First I went through the chipmunk barracks, where cagefuls of the little brutes reared up and snarled at me, gnashing out with their razor-sharp yellow teeth. Then I went to the training area where drill instructors ran them though an obstacle course and had them attack robed-and-turbaned dummies. Of course, they spend hours conditioning on spinning treadmills. It was quite impressive.”
Celebrities and other notables are major purchasers. Ellen DeGeneres has more than ten packs, all of which sleep with her. Rush Limbaugh tried a pack, but his insistence that they share his rigid diet of goose-liver pâté and Fritos led to their premature deaths from heart attack and stroke.
60Minutes will air a segment devoted attack chipmunks in late 2010.
NIH: Iceberg Lettuce “Useless”
NIH: Iceberg Lettuce “Useless”
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — During his weekly press briefing, Gerhard Veracity, a spokesman for the National Institutes of Health (NIH), said that consuming iceberg lettuce is a “useless exercise in mastication” and that you “might as well eat wet wallboard, unless it’s made in China in which case it’s loaded with certain vital nutrients that come from duck-farm manure used as a binding agent.” When reminded that Chinese wallboard has been found to be toxic because of high levels of heavy metals, Veracity replied, “True, true, but a related study found that it builds strong teeth, although the side effect of phosphorescence is somewhat alarming.”
R. Greenleaf Crisp, president of the National Iceberg Lettuce League (NILL), countered Veracity’s claim during the league’s annual conference held in Salinas, California. “Iceberg lettuce forms the foundation of the American salad bowl. It’s flavorless and, except for the outer leaves, is almost colorless, which means that it doesn’t interfere with the magic of a Wishbone or Newman’s salad dressing topped with a generous portion of Bacos, all of which have nutritive value, except for those things on their labels dreamed up by the boys at ADM that nobody can pronounce.”
Roger I. Wilcome, dietary guru to numerous Hollywood celebrities, was found with two Rock Hudson look-a-likes in the Dionysus Inn on Vine Street. “The NIH is bent on wrecking my livelihood, and right after receiving stimulus money from the Feds. I’ve been pushing iceberg lettuce for years, saying it led one down the path to colonic health. ‘Bigger Heads for Better Health’ is on all my scented stationary. Look at Chad and Winslow here. Have you ever seen smoother skin? It’s all because they gobble nothing but the best heads.”
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — During his weekly press briefing, Gerhard Veracity, a spokesman for the National Institutes of Health (NIH), said that consuming iceberg lettuce is a “useless exercise in mastication” and that you “might as well eat wet wallboard, unless it’s made in China in which case it’s loaded with certain vital nutrients that come from duck-farm manure used as a binding agent.” When reminded that Chinese wallboard has been found to be toxic because of high levels of heavy metals, Veracity replied, “True, true, but a related study found that it builds strong teeth, although the side effect of phosphorescence is somewhat alarming.”
R. Greenleaf Crisp, president of the National Iceberg Lettuce League (NILL), countered Veracity’s claim during the league’s annual conference held in Salinas, California. “Iceberg lettuce forms the foundation of the American salad bowl. It’s flavorless and, except for the outer leaves, is almost colorless, which means that it doesn’t interfere with the magic of a Wishbone or Newman’s salad dressing topped with a generous portion of Bacos, all of which have nutritive value, except for those things on their labels dreamed up by the boys at ADM that nobody can pronounce.”
Roger I. Wilcome, dietary guru to numerous Hollywood celebrities, was found with two Rock Hudson look-a-likes in the Dionysus Inn on Vine Street. “The NIH is bent on wrecking my livelihood, and right after receiving stimulus money from the Feds. I’ve been pushing iceberg lettuce for years, saying it led one down the path to colonic health. ‘Bigger Heads for Better Health’ is on all my scented stationary. Look at Chad and Winslow here. Have you ever seen smoother skin? It’s all because they gobble nothing but the best heads.”
Glenn Beck: “Drain, Baby, Drain!”
Glenn Beck: “Drain, Baby, Drain!”
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Fox News’ Glenn Beck announced the results of a week-long conference he organized to find a way to deal with oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico from the destroyed BP drilling rig: “The best long-term solution would be to drain all the water from the Gulf of Mexico so that the oil can be recovered with minimal damage to the ecosystem while at the same time ensuring BP’s profitability. BP could then, of course, run a pipeline directly to a Louisiana refinery. Just think—oystermen and shrimpers could harvest their catch using farmers’ combines instead of having to risk their lives on the water.”
The benefits to all concerned are obvious, claimed Beck, who has been in touch with Dick Cheney, former chair of Halliburton. “Dick told me that the way to expedite the whole operation would be to tender a no-bid contract to Halliburton, since his former company perfected this business method in the early decades of the Iraq war. He has assured me that a levee could be built between the Florida Everglades and the Cancun, Mexico in a matter of weeks. Then it’s simply a matter of getting that creepy governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal, to position the state’s fire trucks along the levee and pump all the water out of the Gulf.”
One concern is the fact that illegal aliens would have additional access to hundreds of miles of coastal America’s borders, plus the question was raised about what to do with the continuing flow of water from the Mississippi River. “No problem,” countered Beck. “We could just direct that water up the Rio Grande. That ditch has been damn-near dry for 50 years anyway. Help with the illegals nuisance too.”
By Bill Britton
Special to INS — Fox News’ Glenn Beck announced the results of a week-long conference he organized to find a way to deal with oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico from the destroyed BP drilling rig: “The best long-term solution would be to drain all the water from the Gulf of Mexico so that the oil can be recovered with minimal damage to the ecosystem while at the same time ensuring BP’s profitability. BP could then, of course, run a pipeline directly to a Louisiana refinery. Just think—oystermen and shrimpers could harvest their catch using farmers’ combines instead of having to risk their lives on the water.”
The benefits to all concerned are obvious, claimed Beck, who has been in touch with Dick Cheney, former chair of Halliburton. “Dick told me that the way to expedite the whole operation would be to tender a no-bid contract to Halliburton, since his former company perfected this business method in the early decades of the Iraq war. He has assured me that a levee could be built between the Florida Everglades and the Cancun, Mexico in a matter of weeks. Then it’s simply a matter of getting that creepy governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal, to position the state’s fire trucks along the levee and pump all the water out of the Gulf.”
One concern is the fact that illegal aliens would have additional access to hundreds of miles of coastal America’s borders, plus the question was raised about what to do with the continuing flow of water from the Mississippi River. “No problem,” countered Beck. “We could just direct that water up the Rio Grande. That ditch has been damn-near dry for 50 years anyway. Help with the illegals nuisance too.”
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