CNN: Tsunami Baloney

CNN: Tsunami Baloney
By Bill Britton

Atlanta, GA (INS). CNN president Jonathan Klein expressed dismay at the disappointing results from Saturday’s tsunami. “We had news feeds set up from California to Pango Pango, wherever the heck that is, and what did we get? I’ve seen bigger ripples in my grandson’s wading pool.”

Klein has called a meeting of CNN’s top executives to discuss future tsunami marketing plans for its Disaster Division. “We thought we could do this with inside staff,” said Klein, “but Nancy Grace got so excited that her accent became incoherent. We would have been better off with Christiane Amanpour, despite her hair. And Sanjay was worn out from his Haiti stint.”

A confidential source at CNN said that attempts to lure David Shuster away from MSNBC failed. Shuster’s non-stop speaking style apparently impressed Klein and would have been a complementary offset to Larry King’s sometimes dithering reportage. Shuster is said to be recuperating at home and is no longer is connected to an oxygen tank.

The same source revealed that negotiations with Disney’s Pixar to assume the reins of CNN’s Disaster Division are nearing completion. Apparently, a Buzz Lightyear look-a-like is being considered with voiceovers provided by Dennis Haysbert, the spokesman for Allstate Insurance, whose sonorous intonations have staunched the flow of customers toward GEICO and its precious gecko.

Pixar has privately assured CNN that its latest animation technology will allow Lightyear’s character to be superimposed onto Haysbert’s face. Still to be decided is the flesh color, although Pantone shade number A1864F, a tan hue, is felt to be a satisfactory compromise between Haysbert and Lightyear’s skin tones.

PGA Presents Plan for Recycling Goose Droppings

PGA Presents Plan for Recycling Goose Droppings

By Bill Britton

INS News — The PGA presented a plan today to offset the cost of cleaning up the Canada goose droppings that plague golf courses around the country. Speaking on behalf of its membership, PGA President M.G. Orender traced the history of the Canada goose and its effects on America’s number one pastime.

“The Canada goose is a non-native species,” Orender stated. “Their arrival in this country began with the expulsion of several Canadian newscasters from the repressive regime to the north. The Department of Homeland Security has assured me that our northern border will be fortified to prevent further intrusions by either species.” Canada geese can be recognized by their distinctive call, which sounds like a nasal “oot.” In a strange coincidence, Canadian broadcasters utter the same sound when they pronounce the word “out.”

The PGA plan calls for converting ice hockey’s Zambonis to collect the droppings, which will then be steamed to destroy harmful bacteria. The objective is to produce a palatable goose liver pâté substitute from the muck. Laboratory efforts have yielded a product that is similar to pâté in texture and taste. However, saturated fat levels are much lower.

To avoid confusion with pâté de foie gras, initial marketing will use the trade name, “Pâté de Pooh Gras.” Hormel Foods has agreed to process the first run of Pooh Gras. First-year revenue estimates are pegged at $30 to $50 million.

Hormel pooh-poohed the rumor that Tiger Woods would be its spokesperson, but French conglomerate Peugeot has expressed interest in licensing the name Pooh Gras as a brand enhancer for its fine line of automobiles. “The synergy between Peugeot and Pooh Gras is un gagnant,” joked chairman Pierre Peugeot as he left Hormel headquarters

Aggressive atheism - The Word from Pat Condell

Aggressive atheism - 10 Translation(s) | dotSUB