Mississippi Schools to Ban Reading

Mississippi Schools to Ban Reading

By Bill Britton

In an effort to delist Mississippi as the third-lowest ranking school in national test scores of reading ability, Governor Haley Barbour has decided to ban reading in public schools: “The people of the great state of Mississippi will no longer tolerate this form of humiliation being foisted upon them by the pointy-eared intellectual elite.” When reminded that the intellectual elite actually have pointy heads, he responded, “Not the ones I’ve seen. Just think of Spock in Star Trek.”

To reinforce the ban, Mississippi will institute a new program called DIM (Dumb in Mississippi), which is to replace the current All Children Left Underteached (ACLU) syllabus. This change is necessary because the American Civil Liberties Union brought suit in Federal Court in an effort to prohibit the use of the acronym ACLU by the state, claiming copyright infringement. L.T. Senter, Jr., Senior District Court Judge, ruled in favor of the ACLU, saying, “In the cote’s opinion, Mississippi ain’t got no claim to these four lettas. ‘ Sides, the cote believes they dumb asses betta off with DIM, which they is anyways.”

To counter Mississippi’s initiative, Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana has asked his legislature to adopt a new program called DULL (Dumb Under Louisiana Law). “This will enable us to continue our race to the bottom and mebbe beat out D.C. Without it, literacy rates will clahm, which will allow more voters to unnerstan’ what’s goin’ on in guv’ment.”

In Washington, Education Secretary Arne Duncan said that he has adopted a hands-off approach: “What difference would it make? What with global warming on top of the possibility of another Katrina, both states will become swamp buggy heaven in a few years. Then Mississippi and Louisiana can battle it out for the bottom spot in the Gulf of Mexico.”

How are things in Tora Bora?

How are things in Tora Bora?

(Sung to the tune, “How Are Things in Glocca Morra?”)

By Bill Britton

How are things in Tora Bora?
Is that Saudi creep still sleeping there?
Does he miss his friends in Khanabad,
in Kabul town, or in sandy Kandahar?

How are things in Tora Bora?
Are the Daisy Cutters still dropping there?
Is his turban still pulled o'er his ears?
Is there a need each day
to change his underwear,
does he really care not to breathe fresh air?

So I ask the Special Forces
and Marines along the way,
and each goat that comes a-singin'
"Yea, yea, yea":
Is it time for O bin Laden's auto-de-fe?
Is it time for O bin Laden's auto-de-fe?

Walmart to Offer Terrorist Accessories

Walmart to Offer Terrorist Accessories

By Bill Britton

Recognizing shifting U.S. demographics, Walmart’s 2010 product line will include useful accessories specifically designed to appeal to the terrorist segment. “This is an important customer group for us,” said Walmart spokesperson Shabaella Fou. “Plus it promises excellent long-term growth.”

The initial offering will be restricted to three products. “We want to see what’s most viable for the active terrorist. Focus group results have indicated that the items should be both practical and stylish.” Fou’s assistant Randy Heedless continued, “The products should exude a sense of mystery and intrigue, as well as appeal to all ethnicities, from IRA bombers to Chetznian rebels.”

Heading up the list of new products is “Bomb Thongs for Men®,” which come in Guantanamo Grey, Dynamite Red, and Crazy-Man Stripes. The thongs feature multiple pockets attached to the waistband, two of which are pre-wired for detonation devices. An equivalent for women, “Bomb Thongs for Gals®,” will be offered in the fall.

An ADA-approved walker, with a capacity of 2 pounds of plastic explosives or six sticks of dynamite, will be available for the older terrorist. The “Wanker-Walker®,” designed by I.M. Wanker, includes a detailed instruction book and a 3-ounce spray can of bat guano essence, which, when applied to underarms, will deter body searches by airport security personnel or border guards.

In Walmart’s effort to appeal to all age groups, an “Osama Squeeze-Me Doll®” in various skin tones will come to market for the 2010 Holiday season. A pressure-sensitive trigger is hidden in its chubby cheeks and wired to the explosives compartment. With a suggested retail price of $18.99 (batteries and explosives not included), Walmart executives expect the doll to exceed Barbie® sales by a factor of two.

All products are being offered with a money-back guarantee.