Thursday, November 10, 2016

Cheetos to Sponsor Trump TV Station CRUD

By Bill Britton

Special to TPN – Cheetos’ parent company, Frito-Lay, announced that it will be a primary sponsor of President-elect Trump’s TV station, CRUD (Conservative Republicans Under Donald). “It’s a natural fit,” said Vivek Sankaran, COO of Frito-Lay North America. “Trump has been a life-long consumer of Cheetos, as evidenced by his complexion. We believe that tanning creams could become obsolete now that the ‘Cheetos-effect’ on skin tone was determined by researchers at the FDA and verified by the President-elect. Who needs tanning creams or the sun’s rays when you can toss a bag of Cheetos down your gullet every day?”

Shortly after Sankaran’s announcement, Frito-Lay stock rose 16 percent in overnight trading. Wall Street feels that a significant share of the 59 million Trump voters will sign onto the Cheetos bag-a-day habit, even those on salt-restricted diets. Warren Teddumb, a Frito-Lay delivery man from Grand Rapids, Michigan, told our reporter that his truck was broken into and all the Cheetos taken: “Now that the Trump rallies are over, millions of people have nothing to do, and they’re broke after giving all their money to the Trump campaign. I guess they’re just desperate to get the Trump facial look.”

Trump spokesman and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said, “This is only the beginning. We are in negotiations with the Orange GLO furniture polish people and the Florida Citrus Council. Orange is the new black! To show our commitment to these sponsors, all Trump signage and logos will be changed from gold to orange.”

In other news, another 43,000 Hillary Clinton emails have been released by WikiLeaks. This brings the 8-year daily rolling average of emails sent by her to 648 per day, a new Guinness record.

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