Christie following a training sessionBy Bill Britton
Special to TPN — Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey will be competing in the New York City Marathon to be held on November 2, 2014. Contrary to rumor, all lanes will be open on the Verrazano Bridge section of the course, but the center lane will be reserved for Christie in order to accommodate his enormous girth.
Banned from the marathon will be residents of Fort Lee, New Jersey, a community that has been designated a terrorist cell by Christie’s security chief, Pistoffa Obesis. It was Fort Lee that was witness to record gridlock when a Christie staffer had approaches to the George Washington bridge closed after Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich failed to embrace either Christie or his reelection. “I tried,” said Sokolich, “but the best I could do was hug his right leg.”
The governor has begun a rigorous training routine centered at the state capitol, Trenton. The starting point for his morning run is a McDonald’s parking lot on Clinton Avenue, and the end point, a McDonald’s on Cass Street, one mile away. Christie’s initial time was clocked in at 1 hour, 23 minutes, but he has reduced this by a full 2 minutes over the past three months. By October, 2014, Christie plans to complete the circuit between the two restaurants in under 2 hours, not counting a 30-minute break at the Cass Street location, “to stoke the furnace,” in Christie’s words. “The marathon will be a piece of cake, or maybe two pieces.”
In related news, Teapublican darling, Senator Ted Cruz of Texas, has continued his campaign to eliminate left turns on all roadways in the United States. “True Americans only turn right,” said Cruz. “just like it says in the Bible.”